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I made some coffee a little bit ago cause this is the time i normally stay up all night cause when i'm up it means i'm awake for the day.
i really need to get my sleeping back to normal again it's really messed up right now
my body wants to rest but my mind says hell no aint going to happen not at this time your staying awake haha ugh (need sleep) lol.
so at about 8am or so that is when i will lay down for the day i'm hoping i'll be able to cause my aunt rose might be coming over to visit us i really enjoy it when she visits cause her and i get along very good we are really close to eachother we can talk about anything under the moon.

well today has been a very slow and painful day i been going insane with my aunt being sick and me in alot of pain cause of my damn back and hip hurting like hell..it feels like someone took a hammer to my back and alot of burning needles to my hips.
this fucking sucks i should not be in this much pain for being only 45 i should be able to walk without any pain but it dont turn that way for me anymore since i got scolliossiss curvture of the spine which is the reason i have back promblems like i do because of that.
there are times i dont even want to move from my chair cause everytime i do it causes even more pain in my back and then when it gets cold outside the pain gets even worse. wish it wold all end and i could go on with my life without any pain and be able to walk like i use to.

I feel my body jump a little
my head feels heavy like there's alot going on in my head
I have alot of thoughts going on right now it feels kinda eh cant explain the feeling off hand its kinda strange at the moment ugh.
i'm so lost dont even know what to think anymore i keep seeing things that's in my damn head even hear voices i dont even know some i do know guess their apart of me and who i'am.
some of them tell me to do things that i will not do not even in this lifetime will i do it some of the voice i guess are my split personalty's but other's i do not know about right now their kinda out there i guess(sighs).
never thought i would ever go through this shit it sometimes gives me an headache when the voices's are active and driving me crazy i like it when the voice's are unactive meaning their being silent at the moment thank god.

I woke up with tears in my eyes
cause i dreamt of you again
never thought this was the end
i will never hear your voice
calling out my name.
I dreamt we were together again
sitting there talking and laughing
about the good old days
never thought this was goodbye
never thought this was the end
you just dont know how much
i missed you
why did you have to leave
leave me all alone.

here i'am again unable to sleep so i made myself a pot of coffee ready for my damn day to start(sighs)just wish i could sleep even for a few hours would be nice.

sometimes i see right through you
i know what your thinking and i sure the hell dont want any part of it.
this is the end and it sure dont feel good
there are times i want to just scream very loudly and just let them all know how i'm feeling at the moment.
its now 2020 and its a new year for me to just start fresh a new chapter in my life and new me i really dont know if anyone will like the new me and how i do things now adays.
yeah yeah i do live with my aunt and yes she does drive me crazy at times but she is my family so i do have to put up with her and her damn shit.
she has put me through hell just like my mom did when she was alive yeah i do miss her and i guess i always will she was my world yeah we had our days where we fight and sometimes it would turn really bad and really ugly and no i'm not proud of what i did to her when she would make me really angery.
i have to learn to control my anger and not let everything get to me but sometimes i find it really hard to do i sometimes sit here and just brake down and cry just thinking about all the shit i went through growing up and then finding out that i have mental health issures that i know nothing about or even understand even though i had it since 2014 and my mom passed away a year later which made it alot harder to deal with even though its been close to 5 years since she passed on i still find it really hard to deal with.
i dont have anyone around me that really understands what i have to deal with daily with taking meds everyday and then try not to lose my temper towards my aunt when she pushes me to my limit.
sometimes i want to just move out and be on my own but i know i just cant leave her behind we need eachother we are all we have.
i have asked myself many times..do i really love myself enough to just deal with who iam and what iam i just want to give up and let go and just walk away and never look back.

i have lost alot in my life that i just dont know how to deal with right now what should i do? how can i deal with all of this going on in my life?

yours always
the lost soul

I sometimes wonder what is all about me never even understood why i do what i do but i just do it dose'nt matter what people think of me i have to live with what or who i'am.
the darkness deep inside will always be locked up tight within me only being let out when i feel i have to which is'nt all the time when i let it loose its not a pretty sight to see.
the darkness only gotten darker when my mom and dad passed away years apart it started to drag me down i felt it over come me at that time of need when it forces its self out it's when i blackout but that only happens when i get really pissed off i attend to be pulled within the darkness and there i will stay until i calm down.
i never thought my life would become this dark i see alot of dark shadows around me they surround me all the time no matter what.

wow all this damn drama going around here all i can do is laugh about it i find it kinda funny but i'm staying out of it.it has nothing to do with me
all i'm doing is rating and playing my games along with drinking my coffee and talking to my godchild on skype.

COMMENTS

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Earthgrinder
05:05 Jan 16 2020

Hi how are you Lord Mogy might have some popcorn. I've been watching it too Rumble in the Bronx

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I still cant believe its 2020 already the year passed by really fast i just hope this year will be alot better for me.

there has been a time to wake up and feel the need to wake up the darkness within me when it does wake up i start to see things that i have never seen in my whole life.
the darkness covers me up completely like a huge blanket i try my hardest to fight it but it's to strong for me i could feel the hot tears rolling down my face all i want is for it to go away and never come back.
whatever this darkness wants from me it tries to fight me or even over come me like it over comes the daylight

I been seeing this little girl running around my room laughing and throwing a ball to the wall as she was singing to herself she seemed like a happy little girl she had her hair in a pigtail wearing a white dress with a blue ribbin tied around her waist.she did'nt even scare me one bit all i did was watch her play in my room she looked at me and pointed as she laughed and then she disappeared in thin air i have'nt seen her since that day.
i even seen a little girl that had half her face ripped off. her hair was tied up with a baby blue ribbin her dress was torn up with some blood on it even her eyes were hanging from their socet .she had alot of blood dripping from her now she did scare me a little cause i was a little high at the time it was at my moms old place that i saw that little girl she has'nt been around since that day

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Earthgrinder
02:30 Jan 12 2020

Demons like to take the shape of children to entice the living.. That has been my experience.

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DarkenPath
03:24 Jan 12 2020

true..i sometimes get visions that i wish i never did but i cant help it cause its a part of who iam

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been doing some thinking about the day that i move and to be honest i cant wait for that day to come just to get out of michigan will make me happy i have no life here.
my daughter and my grandson danny are in another state with her soon to be husband and 4 month old son whom i wont ever see cause of the way she feels about me. it hurts to think that i wont ever get to see my grandsons grow up danny is my most favorite little man ever he will always be my little man no matter what and my youngest grandson well i dont know him only by pictures what a little cutie he is.
my daughter makes me so proud even though we have not talked in a long time i will always have a place for her in my home and in my heart i love her so much no matter what happens between us she will always be my little girl.

another sleepless night that i'm dealing with..for some reason i just cant sleep these days its not until early morning that i finally hit the bed even though i'm scared to death to sleep so i force myself to get the well needed rest that my body needs.

I feel so damn drained like i have not slept in weeks or even years i'm to scared to sleep scared of having those damn nightmares/terrors they get really bad to the point where i wake up screaming or even sitting in the corner crying

well my time with my family has been so much fun with so much drama filled days it drove me fucking insane at times but i learned to deal with it on my own time.yeah i love my family with all my damn heart i would do anything for them even stand infront of a train.
i never thought i would feel this way about them but i do and there is nothing that can be done about it i'm tightly knitted to my family always have been ever since i was young.my family is my life without them i would be so lost they even helped make my soul and heart not so dark anymore even though they dont know anything about whats going on in my life.

well its a new year for me to add to my very old book of life last year was a bad one for me i had to deal with alot of shit during that year with my ex's putting me through alot of shit one of them wanting me back in his life and the other well he was putting me through fucking hell making me go off on him all the time allowing his so called girlfriend to treat me like shit thats when i lost it and snaped on her fucking ass i tried to warn her not to mess with me in anyway shape of form but she just kept up with her fucking shit it really pissed me off.
well so far this new year has been really good for me i'm hoping it keeps up being good for me i just dont want to have another bad year in july 25th will mark 5 years since my mom passed away and left me alone with my aunts i dont mind though cause i really do love them both very much.

I have not been sleeping that well the past few weeks maybe alittle and then i would wake up and be awake the rest of the day.i'm sitting here drinking coffee and reading journals and playing black ops here and there and then i would write in my journal.
i keep seeing a woman and a white wolf in my dreams the woman is standing infront of a door along with the wolf being beside her its like the wolf is protecting the woman from something this keeps happening. the woman never even reaches for the door knob yet but i do know she is looking at the door the wolf wont even leave the womans side she's looking down at the wolf smiling and then the woman disappeares it looked like the woman and wolf has become one.
it was streange
this keeps happening every night

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Earthgrinder
13:19 Jan 05 2020

No it is not strange I am that white wolf and I have been shielding a very special entity from harm. Now for your sleeplessness go to http://www.docparsley.com/ or just type in the sleep doctor. As you will learn sleep is very important. and he has a very effective method in dealing with it. Enough said glad to be of service.

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I been sitting here talking to my aunt well i have a smoke
i talked to my bestfriend on skype most of the night i cant wait to see her again hoping its really soon i do really miss her.

I just dont know what to do anymore
i try my damnest to be nice to people
but they push me the wrong way and i just
lose it.
my temper flares and i start to go off on them like nothing else.i dont like being this way but its just how iam.my head starts to hurt and i start to shake none stop.
i remember one time i blackout and attacked my mom and aunt it took them telling me what happened cause i did'nt remember nothing about that night.
that was many many years ago.i still feel bad about it even though i have no memory's about attacking them that night that's why i dont like getting really pissed off cause i always blackout when that happenes.

I been trying to sleep but it seems i just cant
the night terror's are really bad and the nightmares well their worse then i thought they could be their pulling me in and locking the door tightly not allowing anyone to safe me from the hell that i'am in.

i been seeking a life full of love and truth
nothing's been on my side since i was younger

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MagickalSpell
03:33 Jan 02 2020

hugs

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CrimsonxMoon
03:56 Jan 02 2020

This Year is going to be full of blessings. just got to look for the light in everything and meaning from it.

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DarkenPath
04:56 Jan 02 2020

true

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