Jokes:08:05 Apr 09 2011
Times Read: 875
Jokes:
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What did one terrorist say to the other terrorist? "Hey! Lets paint the town red."
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Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”
… the teacher fainted!
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,
‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?’
The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’
‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
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A Blonde drops off a blouse at the cleaners and heads for the door.
The Asian lady behind the counter thanks her, and says
“Come Again”..
The Blonde says
“No, it’s toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!!!!”
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: “Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it’s a local call.”
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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there is only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity’.
The Angel thanks Dolly,and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in’.
Dolly is outraged and asks,’What was that all about? I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in!Would you explain that to me?’
‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair – no matter how big they are.”
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one after noon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there **WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !**
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house, walked home…and left it there all night.
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A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Dessert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, ‘Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That’s why we have Molly the Camel.
The Captain said, ‘I can’t say that I condone this, but I can understand about the ‘urges’, so the camel can stay.’
camel sexAbout a month later, the Captain starts having his own ‘urges’ Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and makes passionate love to the camel. When he’s done, he asked the Sergeant, ‘Is that how the men do it?’
‘No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That’s where the girls are.”
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The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy!
He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.
“Miss Fitzgerald,” he said sternly – “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”
“Sure!” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth.. The Reverend realized that she’d had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The pub barkeep looked over and said, “Oy mate, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this pub.”
The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, “But you don’t understand. I’m Pastor Fluff.”
The barkeep said, “Ah well, if you’re that far in, ye might as well finish.”
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It was Entertainment Night at the Old Folks home.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed:
‘I’m here to put you all into a trance – I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience’.
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
As the polished metal gleamed in the light, Claude the hypnotist said:
‘I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch…
It’s a very special watch…
It’s been in my family for six generations’.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting:
‘Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…’
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
‘SHIT!’ said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Old Folks home…
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Dear Employees:
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead. This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lots and found sixty ‘Obama’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change……I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
THE BOSS
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A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret Store to purchase a negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea, it’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing.
I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refunded for myself.
‘ She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose and another, then another…..
The husband says, ‘Good Grief! “You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.
‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’
Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘ And just what do those symbolize?’
The man replied, ‘These are Carols.’
And So The Christmas Season Begins……
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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady At the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells Her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her Complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks To file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks:
“What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “It’s Frank. The midget.”
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COMMENTS
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TheArtistRose
12:20 Apr 20 2011
I'd ask but I wouldn't be a good member cause I have no idea what those games are about.
DarkCrystal
12:56 Apr 20 2011
Thank You for having a open mind for adventuring into my journal entry here. You can google Fallout for more information.