Moving on now02:28 Apr 10 2017
Times Read: 204
So,
once upon a time I thought I was in love.... No I knew I was in love... of course that is how it always starts is feeling like you have finally got the right match.
... on with the story....
At the age of 18 I decided to marry what I thought was my "high school sweetheart". Little did I know that my sweetheart was sweet to most....
We met my freshman year of high school in Spanish class and were in love ever since. The thought of him could make my heart race. I would categorize him as my first true love. I always believed that we were together in another life, like I knew him in the instant our eyes gazed into each other. As you will learn with my heartbreak I believe we did something very wrong in our past life and we are forever damned to meet and only hurt each other.....
He moved my sophomore year and we agreed to be friends since we were young and a long distance relationship was not practical at the time for us. It broke my heart then and the thought of it now hurts as if it was fresh wound. We lost touch and lived our lives, and then one day he called me out of the blue to talk to me and he ended up moving back (even though it was in a different area, but it was alot closer then being states away) of course knowing this we got back together my jr year and his senior year.
One magical night on my birthday if memory serves correct I was 17 and me, my friends, him, and my mom went to a Korn and evanescence concert where he then proposed to me when Freak on a leash was played... He knew how much shows meant to me and how big music was in my life... I don't think anything can ever top that night when it comes to my love life. It wasn't the normal cliche proposal it was OURs and ours alone... That night ended with me moving out of my dads, leaving my sister behind, living with my mom only b/c my dad did not agree with this choice at a young age (he was right).. Little did I know how this would end. I couldn't see myself with anyone else though. He was my everything, my moon, my magic, my other half. We shared the same views, we both loved the same things, we both wanted more of life, and we were ready to take on the world.... Little did I know that our world would end in such chaos and pain... It would forever change me...
Come my senior year he decided to join the military and of course like his good kitty I stayed and waited for him. I missed prom memories with him, he missed my graduation, he was gone when I needed him most.... The one thing that stood out to me the most was before he left I found a message from a girl on his phone and we broke up before he left... Of course that did not last long bc without him I wasnt whole... I gave him that power over me knowing I needed him.. I would say empty threats like the times before, but I thought in this big step he would change and be the man I deserved, the man I knew he could be, the man I was ever so in love with....
We got through the bootcamp trial and were stronger then ever. I moved to the country side with him and his family, leaving mine behind.. We moved back a year later (thankfully I missed the city) and then we decided to Marry in a court house in September of 2008, bc I didn't need anything big or fancy to give him my heart legally..... I knew I wanted to be his forever, and after our trials I thought his heart was in the same place.
Come October of 2008 we found jobs at Party City bc we both loved Halloween and costumes and we worked together, it couldn't have worked out any more perfectly.. So I thought.... One fateful day I was playing on his phone and found messages and pictures from yet again another girl.... I asked who she was and how they meet, and I was told she was a customer..... A CUSTOMER.. you read that right. His WIFE and soul mate of five years did not have the upper hand or deserve his whole heart over a stranger.. This broke me I then realized that this is the forever cycle of what would be us.. That he would never truly change to what I always felt in my heart and knew he could be. I agree we did this fast and tried to grow up fast, but i knew this is what I wanted, but its what he wasn't ready for. I then drew the line and declared us done and would no longer accept this pain as a form of payment of love.... That does not mean I was ok, I was a mess, I didn't know what would become of me.. All I knew is I would never find a love like that again. That feeling of another accepting, being one with me, having our love be so physically powerful and strong. No one could ever make me feel as he has.... nothing would ever compare.... not even close....
Why do I share this story you ask..
Well I have been a prisoner of the thoughts of what could have been and where would we be. I tried to replace him... but it never came close to the love I had... but I tried I would be temporarily happy and then begin to fall out of love after 4 years.. no one has been able to keep me longer then that... no one could put up with me for that long.. no one ever got me like he did..... There was always a void. An empty void that then started to numb me.
He has since moved on to someone new and has said to me that he wished he knew he had someone good like me and treated me right as I did him, and now that he has found her and she treats him great that he wont do anything to risk losing her.... he would treat her the way he knew I deserved to be treated.....
With these words I was again heart broken and sad even though we have not been together for nine years... It still brought tears to my eyes and my heart was yet again broken by him like the good ol days.... At lest I knew that never changed....
I have decided if I am to truly love again like I felt with him, I have to let him go and move on. We would be forever friends with the curse of never being lovers again... I need to completely heal from the past of him and love myself the way I loved him once upon a time. Before I was broken and left to mourn over what we had..... This kitty will forever lick that wound in her heart, and I know it wont ever go away.... but I feel as if I am the only one holding to the past of us and I don't want to anymore... I need to be done as I was that day... I need to heal.... and I will....
Once Upon A Time.... there was a girl who decided to move on....
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