Testicle Sound Express The Movie20:16 Jun 07 2007
Times Read: 844
Side Effects …. (Working Title)
Daire Lynch
INT. MEDICAL INSTITUTION - ARTIFICIALY LIT, DIM.
Two MEDICAL ATTENDANTS are walking down a plastic tiled hallway. The tiles are a pale green and cover both the floor and walls. Above them fluorescent bulbs HUM and PLINK. They are both wearing white lab coats, one man is carrying a clipboard, both carry an extensive set of keys on their belts. CLIPBOARD MAN is talking animatedly to his companion who is unshaven and appears to be hung-over. HUNG-OVER MAN is walking a little behind the other attendant, he is slowly rubbing his eyes.
CLIPBOARD MAN
(Questioningly)
Testicles?
Hung-over man stops walking and tilts his head back staring up into the fluorescent lights.
HUNG-OVER MAN
(Matter of factly)
Testicles.
The man with the clipboard stops mid-stride and looks back at his partner.
CLIPBOARD MAN
(un-believingly)
Testicle testicles?
HUNG-OVER MAN
(matter of factly)
Testicle testicles.
The man with the clipboard walks over to a large metal door set in the wall and slides open a slit at eye level before looking in.
CUT
INT. MEDICAL INSTITUTION CELL
A man lies face down on an un-made bed, the sheets and pillow lie on the floor. His breath condenses on the plastic coating his mattress. Over his shoulder there is a large metal door set in the wall. As he lies there a metal slide is pulled open.
V.O. CLIPBOARD MAN
(even more un-believing)
What do you mean testicle, testicles. Like balls testicles?
The slide on the door is pulled closed and the man on the bed slides off the bed and onto the floor.
CUT
INT. MEDICAL INSTITUTION - ARTIFICIALY LIT, DIM.
HUNG-OVER MAN
(Slightly less matter of factly and mildly annoyed)
Balls testicles.
CLIPBOARD MAN
(Laughing)
What do you mean balls testicles?
HUNG-OVER MAN
(exasperated)
Christ David, I cant spell it out any clearer. Balls testicles.
The hung-over man buries his head in his hands and exhales loudly.
HUNG-OVER MAN
Look David, its just as it sounds, it doesn’t make sense but that’s what happened.
DAVID walks over to the next door along the corridor and again slides open a metal grate. He peers inside. He compares the information on his clipboard to that of a page tacked to the wall beside the door. He looks back into the room and writes something on his clipboard before sliding the grate closed.
DAVID
Yeah, but testicles, its just so, I don’t know, unlikely.
HUNG-OVER MAN
Unlikely? What the fuck do you mean unlikely?
DAVID
Hey man, relax. I just have a hard time believing a man who licks the patients in his spare time. If Jesus (pronounced “Hey Zeus”) said the sky was blue I’d still look out the window.
HUNG-OVER MAN
There aren’t any windows in this fucking place.
DAVID
I wasn’t being literal Steve.
STEVE reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a handful of pills which he proceeds to pop into his mouth one after another. Craning his head backwards he makes a loud swallowing noise and then grunts as he struggles to swallow them.
STEVE
Shut up David, just shut up and do the next cell.
David walks over to the cell and slides back the grate.
DAVID
He isn’t moving
STEVE
So?
DAVID
(concerned)
So! So, maybe he’s dead.
Steve rolls his eyes and walks over to the door and moves David out of the way. He peers into the cell and cranes his neck to look from side to side. He holds his hand out behind his back, making grabbing motions. David places the clipboard into his hand. Steve stands back from the door, and looks down at his clipboard, flipping from the front page to a page somewhere further back.
STEVE
Well says here he hasn’t been given anything since Tuesday, he should be awake. Maybe he IS dead.
DAVID
What? No. Is he Breathing?
STEVE
If he is he isn’t doing much else. Wait. Ok, I saw him move, he’s fine. Lets go.
DAVID
Christ, don’t do that to me. I can’t loose another one today.
STEVE
First, you didn’t loose the first one, those assholes down on 4 did. Second all we have to do is check the charts, mark their names and move on. That’s it. We don’t have to baby-sit them, just tick the sheet.
Steve grabs the handle on the doors grate and closes it violently. He then pushes the chart back into David’s hands and walks passed him onto the next door. David looks like he wants to say something in response but thinks better of it. He folds his clipboard pages open to the correct page and opens the next doors grate.
CUT POV DAIVD
A letterbox view of the cell.
A man sits quietly in the corner of the sparse cell. He sits with his hands in his lap, his head down, staring at the floor. He is wearing white non-descript clothing, his head is covered in matted and ragged hair. Although he is sitting still the fingers on his hands are moving constantly in elaborate circles, each finger moving independently of its neighbour.
PAN LEFT
Steve is walking away down the corridor obviously talking to himself and obviously annoyed.
DAVID
So I’ll just finish up here will I?
CUT
INT. MEDICAL INSTITUTION – NURSES STATION- BRIGHTLY LIT
A YOUNG NURSE is sitting behind a desk talking on a telephone. She is wearing the typical nurses outfit complete with nurses bonnet. She is leaning back in a chair, the phone pressed between her shoulder and cheek. Her feet are up on the desk and she is looking slightly downwards under the desk.
YOUNG NURSE
Jesus!
She hangs up the phone and looks down to the floor under the desk.
YOUNG NURSE
(Louder then before)
Jesus!
The woman rolls her eyes and kicks under the table. A figure that had been unseen beneath the table grunts and hit their head on the underside of the table with a loud CLUNK.
HEY-ZEUS
Christ Mandy, you hit me in the ear.
The man, who appears to be Mexican comes out from under the table holding his ear.
MANDY
Why did you need to hide from her anyway? Is it the testicle thing?
HEY- ZEUS
How do you know about what I told him about the testicles?
MANDY
Girls talk Jesus ; and Samantha had been waiting for Steve to ask her out for months. Then you tell him about the testicles and he cancels the date. How could I not hear about it. I mean, testicles…..its just so un-likely.
HEY- ZEUS
Don’t blame me, I couldn’t very well not tell him about the testicle thing, I mean shit, I didn’t want to stop him getting laid but the woman had testicles, I couldn’t not tell him.
As Hey- Zeus is massaging his ear a figure walks up behind him, as Mandy makes eye contact with the approaching figure she smirks and nods in their direction.
VO. SAMANTHA
Ahem.
Hey- Zeus turns to face the figure and as he sees who it is his face drops and he tries to smile.
HEY- ZEUS
Oh….hi Samantha, Mandy here says you were looking for…..
Before he can finish speaking Samantha kicks Hey- Zeus in between the legs.
SAMANTHA
(Angrily)
TESTICLES!!!!! You fucking screwed me over some fucking testicles. Do you have any idea of what you just did to me you fucking prick.
CUT
INT. MEDICAL INSTITUTION – BREAK ROOM- ARTIFICIALY LIT, DIM.
Steve and David are sitting at a sparse table. David is sipping at a vending machine cup of coffee and Steve is smoking a cigarette.
DAVID
Did you hear what happened to Hey-Zeus?
STEVE
Of course I heard, she did it because I canceled the date last night.
DAVID
Why did you cancel anyway? She’s a nice girl.
Steve takes his cigarette from between his teeth and grinds it into the table.
STEVE
I swear David if you don’t drop this fucking thing right now I'm going to knock your teeth down your throat.
David holds up his hands in a submissive gesture.
DAVID
Ok Steve, Ok, I’ll drop it.
Steve, sitting with both hands flat on the table looks at David.
STEVE
Ok Davey-boy. Get your coat and follow me, I'm putting an end to this once and for all.
DAVID
What?
STEVE
I said I'm going to put an end to this. Samantha is working the night shift over on the WW and I'm going to bring you to see them. And then you will see why I had to cancel the date with Sam.
Steve gets up and spins his chair across the room leaving David looking after him a questioning look on his face.
CUT
INT. MEDICAL INSTITUTION - ARTIFICIALY LIT, DIM.
David and Steve are walking down a narrow corridor. The walls are the same pale green as the opening scene. The floors are cracked black and white tile. The florescent bulbs in the ceiling HUM in a constant drone. Steve is walking ahead of David, who is looking around nervously as though fearful he is going to be caught.
DAVID
Look Steve, I don’t need to know why you skipped out on her, I mean I understand. It was the testicle thing I get it.
STEVE
No David, This ends now. I'm tired of people whispering every time me and Sam walk down the hallways. I am going to show you what Hey- Zeus was talking about.
The two men reach the end of a corridor and Steve turns to face David. Behind him a sign on the wall reads- “Women’s Wing. Authorized personnel only”
CUT
INT. MEDICAL INSTITUTION – WOMENS WING- DARK.
A door cracks open on the opposing wall. Two silhouettes squeeze through the open door and slink across the room. The lead figure motions the second figure forward and they walk slowly across the room until they get to a sealed room. The lead figure clicks on a small light. Another sign on the wall they have reached reads – “Observation Room – Subject 0003.”-
STEVE
Ok, here we are. I want you to go and sit in front of that window over there.
Steve points to a large floor to ceiling mirror set in the wall across from the two men.
STEVE
I want you to site there and don’t move. I’ll bring her in. She won’t be able to see you and you can get a good look.
David looks like he wants to question Steve but decides not to.
After a short time waiting another light flickers into life in the observation room and muffled voices start can be heard. David looks up and he can see Steve and a small woman in a patients robe. David sits up and peers into the room his hands held together resting in his lap. Steve is leading the small woman, who appears to be in her early 60’s to a table and chair in the centre of the room. As he watches, David notices that Steve is pointing to a control panel on the wall. David looks around and notices that there is a similar panel on his side of the glass. He leans over and flicks a switch, suddenly he can hear a static laden Steve talking to the woman.
STEVE
Ok now Mrs…………Cranston.
David watches as Steve reads information off a small clipboard and then places it under his arm.
STEVE
Now Mrs Cranston I understand that its late and I really appreciate you answering my questions.
MRS CRANSTON
Oh I don’t mind. I have had everything explained to me earlier today.
STEVE
Ah yes….Dr. Kennedy told me he had consulted with you already, its just that the boys down in the lab asked me to get some answers for them and from what they tell me its better we get the answers sooner rather then later.
First I’d like to determine when it was you actually noticed the problem
MRS CRANSTON
Well The doctor had given me the pill and told me to wait 15 minutes before I took it. So I kept the pill in the palm of my hand like this….
Mrs Cranston simulates placing something in the middle of her hand.
Then after the 15 minutes I went to take the pill and I noticed that my fingers were unusually sensitive. I took the pill and the doctor told me that I should notice an improvement in my arthritis within 24 hours.
STEVE
And then, that’s when you noticed the….ehm…..growth.
MRS CRANSTON
Well the next morning woke up and there they were, right on the end of my fingers.
The old woman held up her left hand and waved it back and forth in front of Steve.
CUT
INT. MEDICAL INSTITUTION – WOMENS WING- DARK.
David sits watching as Steve talks with the old woman. Then suddenly the old woman lifts her hand to show Steve her fingertips. As David watches, the old woman pokes a fleshy growth that is protruding from the ends of her fingers. As she waves her hand back and forth the protrusions wiggle. David brings his hands to his mouth and covers a gasp as he watches the old woman’s hands.
DAVID
Jesus. Testicles.
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