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I raced home as if the end of the world was behind me

And gaining ground

I ran lights, drove in oncoming traffic -- no one could catch me

I raced for naught, you're nowhere around.

There must be a way to eradicate stupidity from DNA. I've watched Gattaca very closely and truly believe we must scour the Earth and take the dopes and put them on a barge and push them out to see. Maybe they'll make a life for themselves like Kevin Costner's most famous and fantastic move "Waterworld" *grin*.

If you could have the chance to meet me, would you? wold you hug me hello as a long lost friend or shake my hand like a distant acquaintance?



If I could meet you, I would hold you so you'd know I meant it and I would drink in your words to hold me over until we met again.

Need some money? I have barely enough to pay for my own dinner but I wiould glad to share what I've got with you. Need to talk? Call me -- go on a million-and-one tangents, I promise to keep up and support you in the end. Need some to fight for you? Get me an address, I will get my Mapquest and I'll battle for you as soon as those crappy directions get me there. In short -- I don't need to know a single one of you out there and I would gladly shed my own blood to prevent harm coming to you or any other person.



I've been this way forever. i give what i dont have, I fight for those who would not fight for me, I offer opportunity where none if reciprocated. I would not change this doouble-edged sword of pleasure and searing pain for anything. For me, this is what makes my life have purpose.



See, to know me -- I think little of myself (Im a good person, Im hysterical and occasionally cute and witty -- but no one cares enough to expose themselves such as I choose to. And, I am okay with that!) I feel as if someone needs to do the protecting, the speaking up, cast the first stone (sin or not -- change must still come not hide behind the fear of facing ones own demons).



No one seems to get this about me. Im not suicidal. I find life to be a mean joke. I think people have the potential for the utmost beauty and the most nightmarish cruelties. My sin is that I judge. I know this is to be left to "a higher power", but I am sorry, that is not enough for me. We live now! Afterlife doesn't mean a damn thing. People grieve and starve and cry for help NOW -- once they've died... well??? Do any of you think there is a version of afterlife sanitation that just scoops up the mess? Nope.



Why am I writing this here? One, not many of you will read it, those that do will not care much, some may have a apark of an epiphane andthen lose it altogether -- and some... I hope and pray, my see trhough my ramblings and understand where I am going with this.



I can be the lone wolf if it means I 've done so to protect other, to make life a little safer -- to be that person you know will tell you that you fucked up because you need to hear the truth and not need a sugar-coated blowjob in order to forgive yourself.



My downside -- I hurt so much. I wish I knew how to talk about it better. I wish for death daily. I wish to live daily because I feel I owe to the world to live. I live in a constant state of tug-o-war -- I want to just be loved and held. I want to feel so protected it crushes me. I want to know someone loves me so much that I can feel their heart and mind states away! I want to mean something to someone.



This is the only time in my life I have ever come close to saying anything like this. Again, I realize I make no drop in this ocean and that is why i feel safe saying it.



And then, there is the secret corner in the heart of this little girl just wanting friends to love and to love her.

COMMENTS

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PainfulDesire
01:40 Jul 30 2008

You sound like an amazing person and such a wonderful friend. I wish I could make the darkness go away for you.

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Isis101
01:01 Oct 20 2008

I used to be this way...after years of bullshit and stabs in the back...no more. It's too bad that I lost a 'good'

part of myself...

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