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If you do this again I will call the police, if only so I don't maim you.
14:36 Sep 29 2011 Times Read: 793
I need to vent.
About work. And what asshats we sometimes have to deal with. Many who I've talked to have heard about my very first paying client who drop trou in front of me even though I very specifically stated: "When I leave the room I'll have you take off your jeans, leave your underwear on and cover yourself with this towel."
This same client then had the audacity to ask me out right after. No joke. Would you do that to your Dr? I didn't think so- as the threat of prostate exam would be fresh on many men's mind in that state. But alternative health care, massage, chiropractor well to many that = sex working.
WRONG.
We are professionals who in most cases either have diplomas or certifications of thousands of hours to practise our form of medicine. So back to my rant.
Yesterday our youngest and newest massage therapist was seeing a guy who had creeped out the other two older massage therapists. Now he had not behaved poorly, just odd enough that we all got a very strange vibe from him. When he booked with Rachael warned her to KEEP HER BOUNDARIES. Well that didn't even prepare her for what he did.
When he got in the room he started throwing cash at her and yelling, "YOU AND ME- NOW".
Needless to say she left the room, went down to our administration assistant. Who got our male massage therapist to escort the man out and make it clear that if he even showed up here again we would call the police. Frankly they should have been called. In Ontario there are "rub and tugs" as we call them and there are several areas of where sex workers are available. WE ARE NOT ONE OF THEM. NOTHING about where we are even gives that impression.
Personally I wanted to castrate the man. I felt so bad when I heard about it because I warned everyone to be aware as he had been odd the past two times- but I would not have left had I thought he was this off. What is worse, he made Rachael cry.
Women should never be afraid to work, and more over it should not be assumed that because someone is a massage therapist they are a sex worker.
Don't get me wrong- I do not have issues with women who CHOOSE that trade. My issues are with the lifestyle often associated with it- that sadly many women fall into when they participate in it. But I know that is not all of them. In the same instance massage therapy requires a minimum of 500 hours in most US States- but here in Ontario it is 2200 hours.
This young woman went to several years of schooling to be part of a profession that has an educational standard that should demand respect.
What this man did was so completely degrading that even if she had been a sex worker- the complete disregard for her person and treating her as an object- I maintain that castration is the least I would do.
It's been a rough start to the day. I could barely get my make-up on without crying. See all I can remember today is the loneliness and hurt that have happened the past few years.
Two years ago was when I was first hurt so very badly. When you found out, not from me but from the person what they did- you didn't talk to them for over 3 months. And I remember when you did, it was only because you saw I was talking to them.
Bottom line is today has never been one of celebration for me since university when I had a friend hurt my feelings to the point that I now wish today were not a "day" to celebrate. Funny thing is- I still love birthdays. Just can't stand my own.
Now I am pissed at myself because the ONE THING I wanted to do this weekend I can't do. All I truly wanted for my birthday was to visit friends. But due to my schedule I was physically so exhausted if I had gone, I probably would have gotten sick. Now I'm just frustrated as this weekend is the first big race of the fall- and I'm stuck doing that from 4am-11pm on Saturday.
Granted my "excuse" for not spending time with the people who have actively played roles in hurting me over the past few years is valid: I want to work and get a head. Yup so true.
That and I want to remove all the negative. Which means forgiving you in your part- I know you tried so hard not to- but the fact remains emotions are simply not always logical so just in what we see ourselves as needing to do- we sometimes hurt those we don't want to.
I know I have done it far too much in this life.
But I also have cake. So tonight, alone I will sit and eat my cake, think of all of you that have brought and continue to bring laughter and love in my life and simply ignore those who can't add that. Because simply put, it is my birthday.
I accidently read an email I sent last year. And while I've had the thought of how much pain I've been in this last year- it really brought it home to me how much has occurred over the past two.
I can honestly say I'm surprised that through all of this I've been keeping such good humour even when things have been hard. I was joking with a friend last night about a rather dark version of how I could summarize these few years. I thought it would be funny (truly tasteless but FUNNY) to get a shirt that says:
Front: I survived Garry's bullshit and all I got was this T-Shirt
Back: Postmortem
Now if you knew Garry, you know he would find this funny. Hell this is the guy that on his death bed started laughing when I did an "Annism" by saying: "I know your body is broken..." Dude full on laughed... ruined (added?) to the moment of something serious I was saying- but that was just how we were.
Yet I know many people would be HIGHLY offended by the shirt. *tempted*
But I digress. I know my journal has been very painful for those who know me well to read- mostly because it has related to the serious shit storm that my life has been. I'm sorry that it is that way- but I've maintained that I write here what I won't write elsewhere. Because of that- you sadly, readers of this journal- see more of my pain that I let others see.
Hopefully one of the things I've been working on will come to pass in a great manner and I will be able to talk about it- Potentially this weekend even... but know I don't write here to alienate anyone, I write to express the myriad of complex emotions that I normally refuse to fully express outwardly.
Perhaps my issue is that I'm web surfing, reading facebook, looking at news articles, window shopping online, texting, calling insurance company, while watching Star Trek: who's geeking out?!
I'm just thankful I don't have my computer working yet- yup I'm doing this all via phone :-/
Can I ask for a side of coffee with my ADD- thankyouverymuch.
I find myself in a strange dichotomy where with one exception I am avoiding those who I knew when I spent time with you. Those I met from your past and other times I find myself wishing they were here.
But that's just it, they aren't here because their integrity demanded they grow up and they rose to the occasion and sadly that gave you some preconceived notions that were incorrect.
Yet I'm even stranger.
I would rather meet all new people or hide here online. People who knew me before - it is hard because of how much pain the last few years entailed, and I will never be where I was again. Still the normalcy of being with them is present so I go into an autopilot of not here nor there.
I want to erase what we were: I want to be hurtful to those in the way. You know I could. I can wound them so deep- and quite easily too. And don't think karma... They have earned what I would do.
But I don't want to waste my energy in them. I want to prove to them how much better I always have been- by building back piece by piece what I gave up in coming here and living the dream they are too afraid to live.
I only hope my old body returns. I have not felt right since January. And for someone who isn't truly sick or broken- I'm not used to this constant discomfort and feeling of ick. Not enough to stop a workout but an overall sense of "not me, not 100%".
I'm always 100% or so darn close the times I'm not I can list. Even if I wasn't up there I've never felt less than 60% even when really sick. I feel like I'm 40% presenting outwardly at 80%.
Those ratios are wrong and should not be. This is what really bothers me about now.
I lived very happily before I met you. I've had happy moments since you died. But my mind and body betray me now and won't let me forget and move on in my typical way.
I am now fully aware of my mortality and what it means to feel your body die. I've never had that before. I've been off from the rest because I felt I always could- even when injured.
I HATE that I don't have time for what I want to do right now.
At the same point- I'm still excited (still need that positive energy as right now the deal is in the "balance" and I want to tip the scales positively) but for now... I go eat, shower, and start my laundry as I'm horribly behind in my stuff- and really all I want to do is curl up with a book and nap.
Yet I know if I do that... I will not get up till tomorrow and I'll have even more to do then. :(
I seriously could use your guidance now. Actually I'm fine, your friend however- is in crisis. And I'm not in a position to help and not have it be an issue. What is worse, your other friends are at a loss as to how to help as well.
Really? It's bad enough that you aren't around, but this- I know I can hear you bitch about it, yet I KNOW you would be there for him. Kick him in the arse and then it would get better. But you're not. I am, and fuck if I know how to broach this issue without being my normal blunt self- which as you know will send your friend running for the hills.
I'd offer channelling but we both know that is not a good idea. How about a good old dream haunting? Remind him what's important. As I have done what I can, and can't get entwined again.
My life must move forward. You know this as well as I do. Damn. Just damn these small minded individuals. You were better than this- but unlike me you wanted to be. I however have strived to just be not part of the group, but around it.
Nice shitstorm my friend. Now let's find a way out of it... again.
A line from Terminator the Sarah Connor chronicles. It is so profound in the sense we all choose what we die for.
Friends
Family
Belief
Emotions
There is something so brutally beautiful in this sentiment, we all strive; dream about having this type of purpose, while subconsciously choosing what we live for.
Only are we honest with ourselves as to what that is?
I found out this morning at 4:30 in the morning when I was woken by a loud knock on my bedroom door. Only I don't live with anyone, and there was no one outside.
There is an element that I am grateful she was not in a lot of pain, that she completed so much of what meant something to her in this life. Her spunk and joy will go on, although I will miss her something fierce.
After I woke, I realized what has been so different this time around with loss. It is that the people I'm loosing are not those above or influencing me- they are my peers, loved ones and support.
It's like it's around every corner, but then I realize it's coming out of my pours. Not my whole being- but my sweat. It has that sickly sweat after smell.
I wish I did drugs- today would be a day I would make it so I slept all day. Just in the hopes that my body started feeling better.
Slow this ride down please. Scrapper is not doing well. He went from just loosing weight to dangerous two days. So far urination seems to be a little excess, but normal. Bowels are normal considering he's not really eating. But he's starting to show extreme neurological disorder in the past 24 hours that he was not exhibiting again.
So I'm feeding him wet food mixed with tuna juice, along with a hairball remover several times a day.
He's pretty pathetic right now, and honestly he will only make it if he chooses to. While I know he must be in pain, he's not exhibiting those types of symptoms. For that I'm grateful, but I can't do anything but sit here and wait.
I got the call that Marie can no longer use a computer or phone. Which means I won't see or talk to her again.
My mother who I asked a MONTH ago to visit her has not and so she has heard nothing from me. That she "forgot" to tell me that she didn't go angers me to no end. I asked that she do that one thing because if my immigration and she did not.
When will this stop long enough? Why am I witness time and time again to so much and such great suffering.
And I have to add this simply because I didn't hear it until I moved to Canada... funny some of the things you don't hear simply because of location... especially in the 70's and 80's.
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