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7 days... and crew season will end.



It won't come soon enough :(



Look for me more once I'm done!

Not really, but final line ups were announced this weekend and today the tears fell and athletes pleaded their cases to me and to the head women's coach.



*sigh*



It is the part I hate about this job, yet the truth is a standard is set so that that these things don't happen. And I simply can't "punish" my top athletes because those that are down the ranks feel they need a "shot" when it was announced in July that to get that "shot" they would have to be at standard.



Bloody well sucks, but it is also life.



So much is happening and I feel like I'm spinning. I'm dealing a bit with conflicting emotions and such- but over all I'm really feeling like I'm moving forward. And in a manner where I'm also implimenting changes. *whew*



Ok I need to go home and relax for a bit- today has me a bit in "over drive" as I started at 4:30 am and have been going non-stop ever since. 19 more days till the end of season and I can get back to a "normal" schedule.



I did 6 loads of laundry over the weekend, I still have to vaccum and need to finish my dishes... but lucky for me we are in town this weekend so I will have the opportunity to do this and other chores so that I'm "caught" up for the regatta's next weekend.



I have the dog sitter set up for next weekend... now I just need me time... ok no more rambling.. I'm outta here.



OH



YOU!



Yes YOU!



GO wish Imagesinwords a rockin' Birthday ;)

damn it's hard to concentrate when you're simply angry.



Plus it is difficult to keep your forward momentum. I had a conversation with a friend last week that I briefly touched upon... but the emotions and "back lash" from it are vibrating still. I knew I was encountering another period of change, I knew it was going to be a big one- just not this big.



LOL



Leave it to me to call something like a "hurricane" a "storm" simply because of my own nature of doing things. Well I'm in the midst of this storm, and functioning as best I can... yet somehow when I get out of it- I will not be the same as I was.



Nor do I want to be.



Still if I don't acknowledge that loss, I'm more likely to react subconsciously to keep it, when I am truly ready to be done and move forward from this space. I was more than right when I said this was the last of the previous... only it goes far deeper, and further back than I truly expected.

NOW







*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

One of my best friends now lives in Ann Arbor. She told me the other day about her stopping at a red light in between two other cars that had the "gansta" boys in them.



All three cars were playing the new Eminem Cd... to which the cars not containing my white female friend... looked at her with windows down and same song blaring...



Did a double take and one of the boys actually said, "Whatcha doing? You're white!"



To which she responded, "Yeah, so's he!"



Heh I love my friends!

I had a long conversation with one of my best friends last night. It was refreshing to get her perspective as I forgot she was around when my grandfather died and when my parents convinced me to give up my inheritance.



She's right to be mad at me for doing that, and right to be mad at my mother for being so selfish. Sad truth is, I should have kept it- and then my story would be different. However, it was a conscious choice I made so the damage is done- now I need to get my things in order for this bumpy ride. I was really blind, now I know beter.



It still doesn't make it any easier or less bitter to swallow, knowing that what you had and gave in trust would in fact solve all of your current stress/position.

The dress I'm making for the wedding on satuday is almost done. It's a midnight blue stretch satin... RAWR!



I actually bought the pattern in the late 80's or early 90's. It's a Calvin Klein and I have to say I might have to do another one similar (as in use satin again) cause I can actually pull it off



:-O



It's that idea that I'm still a different size than I truly am... I still weird about this all... But I'm excited to wear the dress :)

Yesterday my rowers did between $1000-2000 worth of damage to their boat. The boat itself costs about 50,000 new. These things do happen but when we are working on responsibility for one's actions and that of the team... I have to say I'm more than a little upset that it wasn't till after they showed the damage that one of the rowers admitted to what really happened.



Today I had to discuss with head coach and head womens coach what my plan of dealing with this is, because if I'm to assist them both as a rower and overall upstanding person- they need to learn that consequences are both good and bad. You can't get to the good ones until you acknowledge and correct the bad ones. Even when you do something right, you still run the risk of bad things happening. So do you hide? Or do you make changes when and where you can? Anything else is just an excuse.



Decide and then act. From there evaluate and make further changes. This is the only way to be successful in life.



Who you are is not determined by your success, but by how you face adversity.

I hate it when stress gets to me, granted it isn't bad I'm just a bit worn and so far I have things moving into place... Small steps and I'll get there- right now it is more the frustration of everything that makes me want to throw a tantrum and not function.



Well that is not acceptable so small bits, lots of rest and one foot in front of the other. It's interesting I talked for several hours with Charlies best friend last night. Ones of the interesting points brought up was maturity and how people perceive what's in it for them. I've realized there is so much potential and yet these people make no changes and then wonder, "why not me?"



I'll tell you why, because you risk nothing. A friend reminded me that pride is a cold bed fellow. It's true, looking at the past few years I can't have done what I've done without some help. Had I not put things out there and risked a bit, I would not be where I am right now. Yes there are challenges I'm facing due to poor advise from my bank- but that is purely due to them not being honest when I asked questions. Ask anyone who runs their own business, what im going through is not uncommon, sadly it happens all the time. It is why it is so much harder, and why we work all hours just to succeed. Now is the time for me to be active again.



Today I start a search for a new bank, and to start seeing what I need to do. It's a day of lists and making my dress for sat and my friends wedding...

So on my birthday my mom found out that one of her cousin's husbands died suddenly from a Heart Attack. He was 66.



I'm so ridden by stress and grief- that I simply want to hide. Things this year are not as emotionally draining, but the financial stress has reached an all time high. Granted there are things in the works that are moving in the correct direction.



I knew it would come to this- I just didn't realize that banks here don't tell you what they WILL do, they tell you what they CAN do. I'm not used to that... so in listening to "their" advice I'm fucked. Hence why when I'm out of this situation I am flipping them the bird and going to another bank. STUPID is a good word for the situation they created by 1. Giving me WRONG information. 2. Leaving out key points I needed to know to make educated choices. 3. Flat out LYING to me about what they would/would not do. Because of this- I have no idea how the next few months will play out, as their "advise" has me at a loss of about 500.00. Not much in the grand scheme of things... but when you don't have it- it is a nightmare.



UGGG enough about that.



I'm in good spirits even though I'm dealing with this added stress on top of my coaching- why does my birthday always seem to have this chaos? It seems no matter how I try to change it, it occurs. Granted, this year was to a much lesser extent. I'm just about ready to step into things I've been working on, but distracted from.



I have to remind myself small steps so that I'm not overwhelmed and am able to function. Right now I'm not certain of any of it... and truthfully I just want to curl up and hide. That I didn't sleep last night- well I'm certain that has a great baring on my mood today...



Ok back to work and getting things done in productive manner.