Off to the races
14:26 Oct 31 2007
Times Read: 991
And once again to rowing instead of other things I would like to do.
In doing my daily journal reads I am reminded of my entry "what do you see".
It seems that people forget, are blinded by themselves. Their wants, needs and you can't forget: their desires. We all are guilty of this, myself being front of the line.
However, there is a difference between myself and several people here. I see what you want. At first, right off the bat? No. I watch and wait. My aunt has a great saying, "sit back and watch them hang themselves".
It will happen. It always does.
This is how I know. Still I do not let it pollute my being or communication. I am exactly as I was, and will remain so. I will continue to say what I see. Even if this means I am wrong. Perception changes are good thing- I view them as seeing the world as a little bit bigger place that still is magical. I do not fear that I could be wrong. Nor do I wall myself away. I choose.
Some might think I'm too picky. Perhaps, but what it leaves me with, are people I find to be the top quality of person. The type that will stand next to you through all of your battles, and where they can- they help. They do not just keep you next to them in their time of need to discard you when you need. They are THERE.
Understand me, should you (and by this I mean the hypothetical you for those rumour mongers) cross someone who has stood by me when they are down, I will not just stand by. I may allow you the thoughts of "walking over me" in regards myself- this is because I know my own strength to continue on. I will not allow you to hurt those that have fallen.
Trying to kick someone when they are down because of your needs, wants, and desires shows you to be lowest denominator of person. Get over yourself.
I will hold you to the standard that you hold your friends to. Irony is that your standards are set higher than you have ever lived. This is how I base judgements, not on the person- but how that person judges and treats others.
This is not an entry for anyone, nor is about one person. Think about it, we all come across this behaviour in ourselves and others - Every day.
Ponder this, give people room to live, breath and be human. Try some compassion when you hold people to the standard they set, but do not let them behave badly because you fear to hurt them.
Pain is growth, if only you allow the tilling of the soil to continue to the planting of the seed. Often we try to stop the planting because the turning of the soil hurt too much. We forget with the seeds, comes water- cool, numbing and nurturing.
I ask again,
What do you see? Is that truly me, or a mere reflection of the you that you are trying to hide from?
What do you see?13:14 Oct 24 2007
Times Read: 1,110
When you look at me what do you see?
More importantly what do you not see? So many people love to spin the truth to their perspective. I get that. But to recreate their version of the past to make them a martyr so that the future they now face is "bright" is just stupidity.
Our lives are what they make of it, from our depressive moments to our joyous successes. Nothing is a promise, nor will any promise be fully seen. Life happens. Once you embrace that, the world becomes a new place- one that is overwhelming, creative and full of anything goes.
What you do with it is up to you. But stop trying to make it out that promises were made that were not fulfilled. I gave plenty of advise on how to make it work. I had done all the research, and knew all the areas to get the information, just because I did not do it for you does not mean you were not accepted.
Life is not always easy. Sometimes the best choices are the hardest ones to live through. In rare occasions they also lead to the biggest rewards. Look at Donald Trump - by the banking books he had lost everything. However this was his defining moment. Did he stop and say "poor me?"
No.
He had an idea- that he then went after with his all of his resources. Because of this hard work, he is now worth several times what he had been worth prior to when he had "lost it all".
So I ask again, what do you see?
Or are you too short sighted to see the big picture and only see what "feels good" right now? I hope you see past this, otherwise you will always be depressed and unhappy with only the occasional moment of bliss.
Life is so much more. If only you will see.
Rain, coaching, and eggs...13:49 Oct 23 2007
Times Read: 1,125
Today was the perfect morning of why I love my life.
Coaching was very wet, but the crews got out- did their work out and then were on their way for the day. There is nothing I love more than being on the water and watching the sun rise.
It does something for my soul. When the water is calm, and the boats are moving in harmony- it is poetry in motion. Add the calm of a rain, and it's like the boats are cutting glass. Ever smooth in rythum and speed.
Getting home, warming up in a hot shower, and then having 3 hard boiled eggs steaming hot with my fresh coffee... and life can not be grander.
This is a quiet moment that I live for. To be the observer while fully living my life- it takes my breath away.
Wine and cigars03:46 Oct 20 2007
Times Read: 1,179
I would prefer Port and cigars, but that is just me.
No I do not smoke as a rule, it is a treat. Today was our clinic's open house. I treated myself to a new bracelet of rose quartz, garnet, rhodonite, leopard skin. This past year has held many lessons for me. Several of them have been hard. The energetics of this bracelet are a reminder to me of this year and my future:
Force- be bold in who and what I am. Do not be ashamed. Walk firm and proud for what I have done, and will do in the future.
Vigor- when wrong/ed admit, forgive and move forward. Anything less will hold me back from what it is a wish to do. Continue to walk the path you have started, it may not always be so exciting... it is your call. Keep your body moving- that is the only way to keep your youth.
Energy- focus. Use what is around you, and in you. There is enough that no one ever need to go without. Still be compassionate for those who are unable to do so for themselves. Do not let them wallow, but gently lead by your own example. Perhaps one or two may watch and learn.
Love- yourself. You do not look for perfection in others, so why are you so difficult on you? She is the only one you truly will ever have. Perhaps with some of the compassion shared with others she will also grow on you. More so when she is content. External factors are lovely dreams and distractions. The only real love we shall ever own is that of ourselves. Love of another does not make us more or less- it simply enriches the growth we have already encouraged. Nurture yourself and then great things can grow from that... far greater than if you looked to another for that same sustenance.
Journals Journals Journals16:59 Oct 19 2007
Times Read: 1,202
So much talk about talk.
I have to say I'm digging being able to vent. Here's the thing. There are somethings that I need to scream about.
Does this mean I want to share it with the person? NO. It means I need to vent. If it was something I needed to share, trust me I would. Having a place to express those hurtful words, and not have anyone but ME be able to see it- well that is WONDERFUL.
I don't trust even hand written journals- I never have. Too many people pick them up to read them, and then they get upset over venting that truly might have been about them but NOT ABOUT THEM. Get the drift? This issue is my expression. MY having the issue, and needing an outlet for it. I find it releasing to be able to do this.
And no the blocking before was not enough. Now it's perfect :D
WOOT for private entries- where the part of me that I detest, but needs to be said no matter how horrid, can be- so that I move on and don't think about it again.
Just so you know...14:31 Oct 10 2007
Times Read: 1,345
Many people think that my profile is just nice writing. Do not be fooled. It is an expression of both my thoughts and actions in life.
The quotes are not just random- most of them are ones I wrote as descriptors of myself.
I am sick of people thinking that my actions are contrary. Read. Learn. I am a harsh individual. I am also patient and understanding. I am sick of people being upset because they ask me something and I respond with my perception of honesty. Yes I did say my perception. Even a coin has two sides- does that mean the only truth is head or tails? No, both are valid. Get over yourself for a second and you might find you can have compassion for the flip side of the coin.
But I will not tolerate people who do not look to improve their situation. If you choose to be a victim of the game, you will find that I don't have understanding of that. Perhaps this is why I continue to have an "interesting" life, I am not dead, and I will continue to find ways to improve and become more fully into my potential.
Yes I bitch about being old. I hate it. However- it does not stop or slow me down. It just annoys me.
For those of you who need things SPELLED OUT here is a little bit of ME:
Here it seems my spirit soars.
VR was and remains a direct link to my creative process. When I first started here, I remembered exactly what that was. It had been dormant for a few years due to hard real life: here I found the fun in expression again, and in that my youth.
Waking from what should have been pleasant dreams, I find depravity and horror.
Life has been a cruel mistress to me. Still my dreams and outlook will not be tarnished for more than a few moments by the shit I find around me in real life. I simply will not let it wear me down. Although I will not live in a dream. I know it is there, I acknowledge it and because of this, perhaps one day I will be fortunate to transcend it.
Now it will change, indeed no more shall I bend in the direction of others.
For years I lived for others, mainly for their benefit. It was the RIGHT thing for me to do. However, this is still MY life and it was time for me. While I still care, I will do others greater assistance by taking care of me and my needs. For once those are taken care of, I am more able and willing to help them without the "martyr" syndrome polluting my attitude.
Part of the group, yet fully removed.
I am VERY social in real life. Daily I interact with 50-100 people. I am not just a computer geek. Yet when the work is done, I go quietly into my corner to decompress and just be. I have no issue being alone. Often I have dreamed of living in a forest or mountain miles from another living being.
Extraordinarily ordinary.
Written down I seem impressive, when you talk to me I may still seem so. But to pass me on the street you will over look me and think me less than I am. I like it this way.
The cards that I have been dealt have taken me many places I never imagined, and still I long for more.
No this is not a boast, it simply is my life. I have done more than most people, and I look to do more. To be satisfied, to me, is to be dead.
Now we come to the point of my BIGGEST ISSUE HERE ON VR (and it is self explanatory- if not, get help)...and the reason it is last- BECAUSE IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.
If you don't want to know, don't ask.
One year later15:43 Oct 06 2007
Times Read: 1,432
This past week marked my one year in London, Ontario.
So many ups and downs- yet I can honestly say over all this was the best thing I've done in my life. Yes right now I have "drama" however I can not control other people and what they do. I will be fine even with this drama.
Professionally, things have never been better. I am seeing more clients than I did in Seattle after 3 years. Coaching is more than I ever expected, and in truth I haven't been happier.
Sure I still do not have the extensive social group that I had in Seattle, nor do I have all my belongings *YES I HAVE MORE :P remember my house was 2600 sq ft before I moved... and I lived there for 11 years... plus well I just have lots of stuff because I LOVE to make things which = lots of supplies*. But things are moving in the right direction- and hopefully next year I will be even closer to what my original plan was.
This weekend I get to celebrate two Thanksgivings with the first one being today. The pumpkin just came out of the oven, and is cooling. Soon I will strain it and make pie :)
I am thankful for everything that has happened as I know it is on the right track.
Still it is strange having thanksgiving in October... I guess I will "feel" it more in November when we repeat it for me just because well... I like turkey.
No I did not say I'm a turkey... but :P LOL!
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