The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

So I made a big life changing choice today, that I'm actually feeling super blessed and excited for.



I bought Egon, one of Morrigon's puppies :)



What truly excites me is that I have been putting off getting a dog for the past several months wanting to have my lifestyle settled and having an animal that "fits". It hit me when she posted the puppies were for sale, that with the size they will be- the temperament that I know the dame has- and how Morri treats her animals... I can train this dog to be a therapy dog.



Which means he can come to work with me, when I treat my disabled clients who can't leave the house I can bring him (I got clearance for that today with the one family which is where I will focus on training him). It is going to be a GREAT change for me.



Now January needs to happen- NOW! lol Can you tell I'm just a wee bit excited? :D

Don't know about where you all live, but the squirrels here are FAT bastards.



You know what that means... it's gonna be a LONG winter. I just hope it isn't as bad as last year.

And the week is off to a running start.



I'm mostly done painting my kitchen but then I will have to paint the bathroom. I'm hoping to be done with both by the weekend as then I can hang the last of my shelves and also finish those two rooms which leaves me incidentals on my bedroom, living and guest room and then I will be totally unpacked! WOOOO



It's exciting and scary at the same point as I'm really getting to where I wanted to be two years ago. I'm so grateful right now, but another part of me is exhausted from all I've been through these past few years.



VNV Nation is this weekend, I'm soo excited as I've never seen them live... and well it will be a fun girls night :) Ok babble me, I go home for my chilli that has been slow cooking since last night :)

A year ago we never saw this. Sure it was a possibility, but things were looking better.



That was a year ago. I had Wendy go with me because I had, in my mind broken things off when you left for your surgery. I had to- you made it clear you didn't want me there. Then you texted me, once you were back. I avoided visiting you until I couldn't any longer.



Sometimes I wish I had been strong enough to just say no to you. What would be the difference now of I had?

So I'm in "trouble" with mechanic boy. Apparently his gf read a text where I asked if he was going to work naked all winter. And then gave him shit over it.



First we were discussing fabric vs tools. As a friend was telling me not to buy fabric that I want to use for some Christmas items and for a winter wrap. So I texted him for an unbiased answer to: "can you have too many tools?" which I got "Never!" then I explained why I'd asked him.



Several hours later he came back with fabric isn't as useful as tools... Incert my original statement.



This is why I agree with Garry on privacy on phones and other areas. If you don't trust a person to hold proper boundaries... Do you really trust them & should you be dating if you don't respect and trust?



I did apologize as I didn not intend to cause issue. Besides I also said: "guys your age don't go for old women with cellulite asses and sagging tatas, so your virtue is safe."



Chew on that.

Anyone know of easy ways to convert cable Internet to a dsl modem?

There is a point where a deep sigh,

An exhailation of greif;

Mingles with a sense of hope.

Only to be shattered by the realization;

I will never walk that path.



So I continue to wander.

I should have been more clear about my last entry. 31 clients this week... Now looking to target my goal of 50.



Of them 5 are monthly unlimited (had a goal of 4 this month, 6 next month) and my numbers in community are growing as well. It seems I have "hit the nail" on what to charge based off what I ethically and morally want with my practise as since I've done this; I'm basically back to where I was when I moved to this clinic *which it needs to be noted is the month Garry was diagnosed*. Since then I have not done as well as those first few months- but honestly with everything that is happening/happened when the truth is acknowledged: I needed the time off.



Add to this: we've been filming all week at my center for youtube/website videos. O.o *twitch* I've had to wear full make up, and be "professional" and filmed. Lord does that make me nervous. TMI moment: It makes my thighs sweat. Literally.



Mechanic spent all day Monday trying to help me get my car tabbed. By the end of day, he had arranged for me to take his car the next day so I could get to work and so he could do the repair needed for my car to have an emissions test done.



Had some good talks and laughs. Still donno though. However I do have to get my grandmother's bread pans back as I made more Banana bread because I know he does not loan his car to anyone- typically they drop you off at work and pick you up.



Descriptors: Grateful, blessed and not over whelmed but fully engaged.

31 this week.... getting closer to that goal of 50... Wheeeee :)

I love my gay friends....



Especially when they tell me that they made the chorus of this song into the ring tone for when I call...

It's funny how a small thing can equal a total shift of perception. I had one of those this past week.



You always refused to join FB, you even told me why (the reason others did not know) and while I've had nothing to that extent happen- what has is enough. Granted I'm not "deleting" or any such nonsense. I just am stepping forward with a tad bit more caution.



It's in these little things where I realize I'm missing something. It was big, and that is where it is hard. I simply don't have a replacement nor do I want that. But I do want things to keep on the path they're on now.



Remember how well I was doing right around the time the bomb was dropped? I'm back there- it's almost as if I've shifted back in time. Now I'm working at furthering it, and I think I can. It is exciting and I know you'd be right there- see that hole again. Anyways, I need to focus on work and slowly am letting people drift away. It is very slow, but it's also a natural transition. I wish you could have shared it- even though it would not have been the same for you- it's that perspective thing again. Ug, time for more coffee- then work.

Wow, I don't have a lot of patience today.



Some friends are doing playful banter on my FB and all I want to do is delete them.



Time for more coffee with a dash of tolerance.

Bedroom, living room and kitchen almost all done. Pantry is done.



Need a cabinet for bathroom, hang the medicine cabinet, paint: kitchen, hall, bathroom.



Then I start on the guest/sewing room. I is afraid- there is mucho stuff there. But since I could fit all my oils and bath supplies in pantry- I'm hopeful with lots of shelving and time I will have uber awesome place to live :)

I want to go back. Now.



*sigh*



I don't really. I just...

I remember.

I'm a little blown away at what has occurred. I just got a reply from the person and at this point I'm tempted to block them from ever sending me energy again.



I can't believe the amount of negativity and hurt this person puts forth. At the same point a coworker said it best, "people should be banned from speaking online". While I don't agree with that entirely, in this instance- boy do I.



The final response I got:



XXX

why are you still talking...we're done here we were done after my last reply. don't bother replying any more as i have no further interest in attempting a rational discussion with the irrational go and attempt to live with yourself and what you have done



That someone has so much venom for only really having spoken to me through this exchange. I am at a loss for. I simply do not have the words- I know this person to be fun, as I've seen them interact with my best friend. But right now- I simply don't even want to talk to her as I know she has not seen this side of the person. Or when she has, it has been with someone she agreed with what was happening. I agree that my friend was WAY out of line, and took it far too far. However, what was returned was so much worse.



And I will not feel guilty for standing up for my friend's niece or wanting peace on my page. But WOW.

Damn it, now I'm totally distracted.



I'm still flushed even. Brought the bread to the mechanic (who I had been texting last night regarding the serious mojo power he has over my car) and ended up talking to him for 30 min. Seems like I'm going to have to make rum cake next.



But I'm all... flustered...



Damn, damn, damn.



DAMN.

So I defriended a good friend of my best friend last night. Many people saw the outburst- but what they did not see was the private messages where I tried to prevent the entire issue.



Goes to show- if you want to fight you will. And that in self congratulatory thoughts and actions you loose sight of the complete picture which is not always truth.



The truth as I see it, both sides had valid points. But in being venomous the discussion was lost to just low blow behaviour and all walked away looking lesser, and to me that is the tragedy of this. Not that we disagreed, but that pride prevented any discussion of that so very valuable lesson to all.





Me

Crap. I was trying to avoid getting an altercation on my page, but it seems that my friend Al is in a mood. I apologize for his outburst on my page, and ask that you not directly retaliate as Wendy can tell you- there is much more to his story than a simply message or even two hour phone call will explain.



A part of him is looking to pick a "safe fight" and given that the picture in question is a good friend's niece and that her mom and family are supportive of her career - I want to be supportive as she has been in control of her pictures and shoots since the day she started modelling. I don't mind continuing the discussion with you in private, but really am wanting to diffuse Al- as even if I comment again- it will accelerate further which is not my wish.



XXX

if you had bothered to READ my replies, you would have noticed I was the only one maintaining ANY dignity in that discussion as well as being viciously attacked from several sides.

never once did i post any vulgarity against any one, yet was the brunt of too many ravings to count. i even invited them to continue this with me on my page...again...if you had bothered to read my posts

how dare you not expect me to defend myself as i did and would do again, but it was fine with you for them to spew their collective venom and disgusting personal remarks at me...hmmmm someone isn't who she says she is

i walk away, head held high..obviously being the better person in this exchange...knowing that you are the poor unfortunate who gets stuck with them in the end...lol...then again, your behaviour appears to be of the same level as you chose the victim to punish and not the guilty.

parting thoughts...watch your back with them..lol





Me

I asked you to stop. Privately and in the post. You disrespected my request and gleefully goaded them on.



There is more happening in my life than this post. I am fully aware of how they are. My removal of you was because you blatantly disregarded my request to prevent exactly what happened.



XXX

i was being bullied and savagely attacked verbally and i will ALWAYS stand up for myself with a clear conscience, especially since no one else was standing up for me against that vulgar low-life who spewed all the offensive crap...i didn't see you trying to shut HIM up or delete HIM. anyone who truly took time to know me as a person knows how restrained i was on there. so, unless you're here to tell me they were deleted as well, we have nothing more to discuss...



Me

We don't then- because I privately asked you to leave it knowing what would happen from personal experience.



Add to that, your first comment highly offended me about my friends niece.



There are two sides to each coin as well as a edge. I have been personally attacked by these same people but had to take it because a friend was dying and if I did not I would not have seen him. Garry was more important and i was NOT going to bring up their bad behavior days before he died. So I had no one to defend me, as prior he would have (because they were his friends) So I know how vicious the attack was and could have been had I allowed it to continue. That is NOT what I want on my FB- EVER.



I also hold you to a higher standard being of intellect and spoken highly of from Wendy. That you attacked a very good friends niece (I had hoped to discuss that and ignore the child trying to distract the class) and then continued a fight even when I said there was more I could explain and to message me, yet you did not message me first



Now it appears (in my perspective) that you are pouting like a child who's toy has been taken. That offends me, as I have tried on many levels to communicate prior. But while I gave you more credit for being reasonable and using intellect to discuss something.



You have not given me the same. Your actions show that you prefer to act first and discuss later- I am not ok with this on my public (albeit personal) page- I still have clients on this page as I am trying to make and be a part of community. However at times that requires trust when someone says/asks you to stop.



XXX

first...leave wendy completely OUT of any of this, thanks...i have great respect for her and she had NO part in this whatsoever

second...the image posted is no better than soft-core porn, totally inappropriate for a public social media site where CHILDREN go.

third...when you post something and open a discussion on it, you bear the responsibility of dealing with differing points of view whether you agree or not, it's also called free speech.

fourth...leave me OUT of your personal baggage, thanks...i had nothing to do with whatever is going on in your life

fifth...if you HAD bothered to actually READ anything that i had written, we would not be having this conversation

sixth...you are obviously without a clue

seventh...my own extremely high standards were met and accolades were bestowed upon me by several of my friends who read the exchange and congratulated me for not only standing up for what i believed in but for also attempting to protect the dignity of women

eight...i am NOT responsible for how someone feels or reacts...each individual is responsible for their own actions and feelings and words {for example...sorry i ran that bus of nuns and orphans off the road, officer, but the people in the car ahead of it flipped me off and i had to react}

ninth...considering I was the only one in that discussion not lowering myself to petty personal attacks and vulgar vernacular diarrhoea, i maintain MY dignity and emerge the bigger/better person

tenth...if you choose to bend over and ALLOW people to treat you in such a manner, that's on you, not me and i'll defend my honour as i see fit as i have self-respect

eleventh...it appears my intellect is intact and still racing on all cylinders, thanks...perhaps keeping company with that level of person you obviously prefer, as shown by your allegiance today, has wreaked havoc with your definition of intellect and dignity and honour

twelve...i respect your right to your opinion/perspective, no matter how askew it is...which was more than what was afforded me today

thirteen...again...if you bothered to READ my posts, you'll find i was the ONLY one discussing while every other person was ranting and cussing and attacking

fourteen...perhaps your time would have been better suited requesting the offending attackers to "shut their pie hole" as was tossed at me today or possibly delete that creepy allen bloke before HE started this ugly mess.

fifteen...i absolutely admit i was deriving a great deal of amusement from most of what was thrown at me today...why would i give a toss if some random redneck disagrees with me...i was, however, disgusted how he went about it and felt having a mirror put up in front of his face to see what he is doing would benefit him someday...maybe even make him a tolerable human being...one can hope

sixteen...if i'm pouting it's because they pre-empted one of my sci-fi shows...lol...i'm a grown-up and mature enough to handle a discussion without pouting...possibly you may want to refer to #11 about the effect of the company you keep lol

seventeen...you are obviously NOT the person you want people to think you are and are unable to allow yourself to see from another's perspective or willing to defend a 'friend'. those types i do not need or allow in my life, so we have come full circle and find ourselves at an impenetrable impasse...unless you are offering me an apology or informing me they were also deleted, we have nothing more to discuss



Me

I see that we choose to disagree. That you choose to not read what I say, and have a discussion is by all means your choice. I am no victim, and I choose to end this now. Thank you, I wish you well.

But yet again another blow.



Mom thinks my brother is suicidal. And if she's not right in that- she is in the manner that he's starting to self-destruct. He of everyone I know- deserves a damn break. I pray he finds it. Lord know I am at a loss and practically paralyzed at the thought of something bad happening to him.



Yet again I am helpless.

So I had an odd feeling yesterday that even though I'm not fully moved in- it is time to contact mechanic and make good on promised banana bread. Today I went shopping for needed bananas and kitchen things I tossed in the move. Made one last stop for me and....



The car would not start. Three tries nothing.



Crap it is happening again. I pull out my cell and get a text started to the man... Then I get odd feeling- try again. So I do...



And the car starts. Really? What the heck did he do to my car?!?



I obviously have my marching orders... Now that I've eaten and pouted I think it's Time to make the banana bread.



Seriously? Only me... *sigh*

So the plan was only to paint one accent wall in my bedroom and then the kitchen.  It turned into my painting my entire room, the hallway, kitchen and bathroom. O.o



The only truly great thing is I was able to do this for under 50 as Benjamin Moore paints had 3 gallons of colours that were close enough to what I wanted that I didn't hesitate in buying them (seconds that were mistinted for someone else). 



I still have a lot for my schedule and things that must be done, but right now the nostalgia and is it loneliness? Seems more like an ache where you used to have something- phantom remembrance where you just want to share your gratitude with someone hits home.



There is an irony as many assume everything is about Garry, but in this year I'm haunted by the ghosts of several who loved me. It is an overwhelming sense of what is gone (never lost) that mingles with the immense sense of gratitude for what is currently happening.



My only solace is that in their way they are able to "see", but for now it is the pining on my level of understanding  were I simply "wish you were here".

CRAZY!



I feel strangely powerful right now. There is an element that this morning as I had my coffee while watching the trains I realized what my focus with my practice is.



My wish is to inspire others that they make better conscious choices about their health. My hope is that by creating community we help and learn from each other. While I pray that then they become the inspiration in others.



More of us need these small acts of random kindness- all the time. Yet most will try to down play the importance of even a "hello". Don't like something; change it. But change it by the positive.



Yet don't think that all positive people are push overs. Trust me when I say I have firm boundaries that were tested today. They are still well in place. Keep your boundaries, you keep yourself safer that way- but more importantly you encourage people to treat you better.



_ This random rant brought to you by too many paint fumes...

Have you ever looked at a persons pictures and simply not wanted to know them? Because the attitude they portray is simply put: angry and hostile?



I don't want to be like that. I don't want life to "over harden" me. Please understand I like "attitude" but I like it when it is directed, purposeful and therefore controlled and powerful.



This angsty rage with no purpose or direction is simply destructive and gross. Why not look to those such as Henry Rollins who is full of attitude rage and purpose. He makes a difference, he uses attitude to put forth his message and further the "alternative" movement where he agrees with it.



To just rage is simply put: retarded. Actually no- it is showing you have not evolved beyond animalistic behavior. There is no thought which also removes "dumb" from being the adjective of choice.



Step up, evolve more, think when it hurts, love more, live better and laugh often.



Or be a Darwin Award and we'll laugh AT you.

So there is an outlet here that has winter boots for under 10. I need to go! Yes I have many shoes- but only 3 pairs of boots (PVC ones are gone as the pvc has died- my other ones are getting really worn- and my hiking boots were bought in 1990). Also on the hopes of to find are work shoes- as right now I only have 2 pair.



Here's to hoping they have my size!



Then shelves and a cabinet.... *sigh*

I don't think people understand how well I do hear you on certain things. There seems to be this thought of now that your gone- why not.



Things just don't work that way for me. You understood that about me, and I think that's why we became friends.

10 clients in 4 hours. Community work is really improving right now and for that I'm truly grateful. Keep in mind with those 10, I also had one private new client so that was 1.5 hours taken from the 4.



I'm looking for a bigger room in this place- and I don't think my boss is going to mind. Tis a good thing.



Now I go home to unpack some more :)

And I'm out of the old place- everything is moved- now to unpack.



I get to do yoga tomorrow, and hopefully resume a semblance of normality... Whew

So came home, had a cider and grabbed a clove to go relax on my back porch. I was greeted by a 30 foot tree across the train tracks with white lights.



Yes it is a little early, but still the joy then emotions- soon had me in tears.



This was a good move. Thank god for the small things.

Have you ever missed someone so bad you ache?



I know it is part of the human condition- and I know that many people have experienced it. What I don't know is how to deal with it when it hits me hard. I do not regret nor would I have done things differently. They were what they needed to be for both of us.



But I can't have this always. I have great moments, then a sight-sound-smell-thought hits me and all I feel is this pain. I'm so very tired from what this past year has brought, the loneliness is palpable and creates a freezer burn that only seems to ease when I have a clove.



Yet something says it is not the heart, it is the fire that was not squelched and now it burns without fuel. It seems it burns my essence.

Bought the dresser last night- and thank goodness the seller was kind enough to drop it off for me. Now to unpack and paint.

So- I'm out of the old place now fully- just have to steam carpets and touch up painting. I know it has bad energy (heck landlord is creepy mr roper with oily hair/ no that is not a joke) but I tripped 3x today going down the stairs- one of which was a close call. I'll be glad when I hand over keys.

My scarf smells like a mixture of Grandpa and musk. It's a hard reminder of today, yet it mixes in the hopefulness I used to always have around my grandfather.



If I stop long enough, the ache goes right through me. Damn I miss them.

So my intuition hit STRONG yesterday.



Apparently I have to buy a dresser that I'm not going to use. We'll see. It wasn't a NOW NOW NOW type, just the type of: do this and this will follow. Don't do it- and it won't.



*sigh*



On a good note. I have a 5 drawer dresser that I LOVE that was spray painted black... on Kijij last night I found the matching 9 drawer dresser- I'll need to paint it- but I'm game. Plus it will save me over 100.