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Proud weenie mama moment.



I've been training the pups to sit and to then go "home". Which means I take their leash off in the driveway and they then go to the front door to wait for me to open it.



Tonight they ran back (like the wind!) to the back yard instead. When I called, they came AND they went to the door ♥



The little devils are learning ♥

Early bed night. With the storms this past week, running and simple asshole puppy moves, I can use the sleep.



But first. Chocolate that I covered strawberries with.

Winston likes to take his big bone in the kennel. I'm not certain what Egon thinks of that...

I'm getting a lot more anxiety with thunder storms. Although pups are nicely "out" for the night.



I think it's honestly there is so much to do and I'm overwhelmed. I need to go back to scheduling days off- I was more productive then, and not as rushed.



I'm certain that it's also hearing my Mom's grief, and seeing her with the same doubts that Garry's friends created. A part of that is "refeshing"? To know that it is a natural process of thought we all go through.



However, a small part of me is envious that she gets to be part of a supportive environment during that time. While I had those who did support me, there were far more looking "to bring anyone" down- which often meant me.



Of all the places in the world I can be, I have to ask why here? Why when so much has gone so very wrong. Even with this latest bit... and then a part of me realizes I played my own part in this- and moving will not change that. Only I can. Granted in past it was due to not being aware and overwhelmed.



I'm still there. But I'm also taking responsibility for my failings. Right now they simply feel like they out weigh all the rest.



Ok enough trying to think, I have a run at 6am tomorrow. Starting to increase to 3x week. Plus I think next week I'll start the other training. I'm tired of being "fat" (yes I know I'm "not fat" but I'm not as functional, and am over weight for where I feel "ideal" that is effectively "fat"- and I choose to say it for what it is. Not for a feeling, but as a statement of fact. I know how I got here, and I know how to change it). Small steps.



First tomorrow's run.

Egon is all about movie day (since it's raining and thunder showers) so much so, he keeps showing his belly like,



"See it needs rubs. RUB MY BELLY WOMAN!"

I am pleasantly and amazingly surprised by the goodness around us.

So it seems the relator is going to work with me. This is beyond amazing... and it could just be "it". Now I'm going to rest today (yes I have lots to do, but after loosing my god-mother and everything- I am going to need rest).



Movies, more dog walks and get ready for what will need to happen.



I can do this!

A part of me wants a LOT of wine tonight. But I think a long dog walk, some movies and then bed will also work.



Didn't sleep much last night and I'm feeling it now.



Also got a few more legal issues put into place. Tomorrow I don't have any clients booked so I can get some paperwork done, emails and such.



I'm feeling the "I can do this" again.



That would be my one "complaint" about foresight. Not knowing what is about to hit, but knowing it is going to happen from the feeling in the gut. So glad it has passed.

On an interesting note, I lost it last night- really got angry at a few people and did somethings that I don't want to do again.



I don't regret them, it is just the manner of looking back and seeing where it is not needed. If I want to be "better" than that, then I have to act like it.



Still it was an eye opening experience to see it right after I had done it. Now the trick is learning to see it before it happens. Then the mastery will have been had.

I knew this was going to be a hard loss. It's part of why I simply had to go home at Christmas although it meant I went into another shortage of funds. Still I appreciate the touch she gave, it was fun, soft and feisty without taking from her femininity.



She is very much someone I grew up wanting to "be like" when I didn't "like" my own mother. I say it that way not because my mother is difficult (she can be) but because as a teen and even at times as an adult there are those people who influence us and because we aren't "close enough" we mostly see the green in their life. We miss on much of their sorrow and hurt- because we are wrapped up in our own. She was one of those who I always thought had it beautiful.



Yet as an adult, I see that it was because she choose to. There were some serious issues present (Mom knew them better as they were friends) but overall, she was strong and perfect in her own flawed way.



I can't express how glad I am that my Mom was there when she passed. But it explains why I was so angry with her for not getting out there this past week. I thought we had a week. Just last night I asked my Mom how far gone she thought she was... and she responded that she was only in Hospital Hospice for weekend, she'll be home on Monday.



The little voice said, no, no she wouldn't. As soon as Sadie (her daughter) told me that she was back in... well- that much paralleled Garry far too much. And he lasted a week out of spite. He should have gone a few days after... But when I was told why and what had happened... I just knew- this was it. Final stretch.



It's never easy hearing how they ask to be taken home, when they made the choice to be moved. It is hard to hear the discomfort as the body separates from spirit.



It is just hard.

My God mother just passed. Her daughter, my mother and her best friend, her dad were all with her.



Dear lord I knew this would hurt. But damnit if I don't just want to hop on a plane and run away.



I would ask how much more I have to endure, but I know I am blessed to have this many people I love. It could be so much worse.



Still it doesn't take the sting of grief away.

So it seems I will have to play some games. The bad feeling I had came and went tonight with some information that has effected how the deal could work out.



I have some ideas of what to do but the gist is this: the girl we took to show the space has been bitching about how it hasn't been thought out, the space is too small *keep in mind we KNEW that and have it so that we have the renovations being done when we sign for the space*.



But where this is interesting; is that she said this knowing we were looking at potential people to rent, and now none of them will talk to me or even look at the space. How does this effect me? Well. Simple. If we have renters from the start, then we can get funding. Without that we can't.



And I completely understand why. My numbers are down 30% from the move, and I can't move them up in a space that effectively can't meet my needs.



YAY catch 22 on every level.



And her bad mouthing this; means no one is looking which means I can't even get people to look. Hence why I had the feeling to keep everything secret.



Ok. Now we play on my terms. Back to secret. But I've also started rumour that I'm moving back state side. Totally not true, but if I'm honest is something I do consider. Then the numbers from that come back and put me worse off and well... I will do that when I give up quite frankly. Because that is what it will be. Transferring what I'm doing into doing something else.



I am just frustrated that yet again people are unwilling to talk to me directly, and that again they are making it seem like I'm so well off, when I'm behind on all my rent and just starting to get things in order. It is happening- but it is going to be SLOW process.



Still I'm glad to know, I have huge list of what to do tomorrow... and well, from there I still feel like something will come out of this, it is just a matter of connecting with it. We shall see.

I despise when people text me information that is urgent/important in my world and then are like,



"Oh, don't worry about it, we can talk tomorrow."



Um, no. Now I'm not going to sleep and my anxiety is physically making me ill. And people wonder why I'm such a control freak. This would be the reason. *sigh*



More over, it determines what I have to start working on tomorrow. As in STAT. Uggggg. Time for some frilly happy movie to try to remove this ick.

So pups were awesome today, Egon woke me up at 7am and I asked for an extra hour. Little guy didn't wake me again until 8:30 :)



Such good babies... although they are looking less and less like puppies and more like "dogs"...



*warm feeling*

Seems like I hit a "sore" point with others in my profession.



I really should learn that I tend to push buttons even when I'm not intending to.



Tis ok. I'm about to watch all of Twilight... yes, 1-5 movies. And then tomorrow- Fast 6! :)



No more work or talk of work for today or tomorrow. I have put my "do list" in my calendar, that is enough for now.

I think I've come up with my reason for not talking to people:



"I can't talk about Seattle or my childhood without being called anti-Canadian, I can't talk about good times I've had without grieving about Garry, and I can't talk about my church experiences without being a rabid Christian. Why don't you just talk for me?"



Maybe that will get the point across as to why I'm not talking to most people.

Ok rant to follow:



A friend of Garry's posted that he was at the motorway remembering a friend.



I liked the status because I know how that goes (and NO I don't mean Garry). How many friends have I lost in the past couple of years? Honestly I've lost count (didn't really keep count) but every so often I get the



oooo I miss them *send love at their memory*



Kinda nostalgia. It's nice to see other people do it.



Well. Because I "liked" the status, he had to point out, "it isn't about Garry!"



Um, ok. Did I care who it was about? No. Will my next few posts that deal with someone dying be about Garry?



NO.



Um, REALLY?! Fuck you.



My life is, was and will ALWAYS be bigger than Garry. Bastard just wormed his way into many aspects here. Which is why so many conversations I have here end up about or involve him. HE WAS THERE. I can't fucking change that. But sometimes I wish I could.



/rant

Finally.



Puppies let me sleep in. Now they are wrestling on the floor. What they don't know... is that I'm about to get nail trimmers out, and then SHABAM! It's bath time.



Was supposed to do it last night, but it was too freaking cold- so I took a bath to warm up before I went out. Today I will go to the Monsanto protest march, tomorrow FAST 6 WOOOOO Vin ♥



Other than that, I'm looking at a chillaxin weekend. Oh and some poker run stuff.



Need to get the website and other stuff done. The others have finally started doing stuff. One is basically "given up"... a part of me is "happy" about this, because it shows quite directly HOW MUCH WORK I DID. And she was one of the ones "feeding" the backlash against it at first.



The other is "gunho" which is good, but about two months too late.



My plans, haven't really changed.



Keep it to friends, invite the public... low key and well.. raise some money in honour of our friend, in support of cancer patients here.



It will be good.



Still no news on the other front. Well there is but I might be back to "drawing board". The person is doing full numbers- as it "dream" what it would take to start. While that is AWESOME, it also puts the answer more likely to no. More risk and frankly more pressure.



I'm kinda ok with that.



This week it has hit me how hard my journey has been, and I'm really wondering do I stop it now, and shift gears? How much of this stress and in truth suffering am I willing to put myself through.



I'm good, really.



Just an honest discussion internally where I go over and over all of this. No resolution yet, however a firm belief I am exactly where I'm supposed to be, and I need to listen, see, be... something is coming. No idea what, but it's big, great and simply awesome.



But first, this storm must play out.

One of my mother's best friends is dying. Yet she won't call because her call from a few days ago was not returned. I'm not saying that she should call every day and be a bother, but she is really getting annoying. She mopes that they didn't call, she doesn't want to disturb, but she wants to go there.



I texted my God-sister and told her the deal... her response? Why doesn't she call me, she has my number *sigh* I love my mom, but she won't follow the same advise she gave me.



In fact, most people won't. Maybe that is why they don't understand me...

Sometimes, I think online work/play is really bad for us, and our expectations.



I have sent out several emails, and now am waiting on response. It's been 24 hours is all. But it feels like 10,000 years.



OMG ZOINK!



Get back to me!



ARRRGUUUUUHHHH!!!!



But I know, that it is simply my mind taking things to areas it should not to "create" worry.



Today is a good day. It will keep getting even better. I know I have to "deal" with the anticipation, but that shouldn't ruin my day. If anything I should bring it back to a level of potential and excitement. Because in truth if this doesn't work out, I will have to find something else. Pure and simple.

Today was a good day. Really good actually.



Then I got to work, and you know those days where you just are "off"... craptastic that was work. And there was no reason. Worse, I feel just anxious tonight. Again, plenty of reason- but none that makes sense.



Perhaps it is the thunderstorm that is brewing- and that I feel better when it expresses.



I hope so.



I dislike this feeling.

I'm a bit emotionally exhausted from the weekend. Not that my friends being over was difficult, it's just the entire situation. I'm so close to getting on a track that while will still be exceedingly budgeted, it is one that can actually put me in a very different spot than right now.



But it all depends on forces outside of "me". That is the difficult area for me. Yet this is good. I've been forced to do my numbers four times, and I'm certain will be doing them again.



I will have to come up with more contracts and other documents... but in the end, it will be something that can be reused time and again. Not just for me, which is the exciting part. Today I do research on aspects of what plan I'm using and start to wander those forums. I'm slowly seeing where all of this is going to pay off, it's just a matter of really using my ability.



I read a "truth bomb" (if you follow Danielle LePorte you'll know it) that said: Walk a mile in their shoes. That speaks to my situation (I'm about to do it, ready or not) and it speaks to the instances here. If people really treated others as they want to be treated, the behaviour here would be so very different. More importantly seeing more ownership would be great. But you can choose. To be victimized (bad stuff happens to us all) or to take ownership, and thus remove their ability to hurt you. I used to joke, "My skeletons? I keep them in the living room with dresses' on. They make for great conversations."



Ok. Work time. Although I'll have to rub Egon's belly as he is flopped to my left and Winston is laying over the pillow on my right. Tis a good morning.

It went well.



I crunched more numbers today, sent two emails tonight. Have phone calls in morning...



It's looking really good... but it still is out of my hands...



Nervousexcitedscared

And I was walking the dogs. VampireWitch39 to the rescue... I wonder if she'll come visit and walk puppies for me... hmmm

Almost that time... scared, nervous and a bit anxious.



Trying to remember "detachment"... but well...



Any positivity you can send would be greatly appreciated!

I have a friend who posts on and on about how relationships should be. Sometimes what she posts seem to have a "ring" of truth. But most of the time I simply can't pay attention as I know her boyfriend is married, and that she purposefully for attention demands that her male friends give her attention when she can't get it from her boyfriend (to the extent, many of these men have thought they were dating her). When "shit hits" it's the "poor me, why can't they just be my friend?"



I don't have a lot of patience for that. Worst part, she and others are throwing another friend under the bus for his admittedly misogynistic behaviour (that they encouraged in him), and making it seem like it's "on purpose". But it truly is a case of "clueless" in these types of social aspects- so he goes with what he knows.



And the final straw... I have two university degrees. One is a BA and the others is a Masters, ok, yay me. Frankly I've met people with NO training in college (vocation here for US folks) or university who are by far the smartest people I've met. So I get that being "proud" of paper is just paper, but I also get that to get that paper you have to go through a lot of BS. Honestly, every person I know who has graduated, had a moment or several where they were not certain if they could for any number of reasons. It is difficult and it does test you and your abilities. If you have it, you SHOULD be proud of it.



But it is not the end all be all.



Point of my rant? This person has LIED to me about their "university" degree. It is a vocational one, and while that is good, in the topic they have- it is NOT THE SAME by any stretch of the imagination. Simply put: don't lie about what you have or where you come from. I will find out, and I WILL judge you on that you were not able to just tell me the truth.



Still.



I need another cup of coffee (number 2 woo!) and frankly now that I've bitched about this, I've realized what a waste of time and effort it was. However, saying it- I think has "purged it". I can hope, and if not, next time I will divert myself to better uses for my thoughts.

It's been a great weekend. Saw Star Trek, and while there are "issues" with it- I did love it. At the same point, anything these days has "issues" lol



Currently I'm crunching numbers as tomorrow is the day I find out about financing... wish me luck please.



And well, I'm tired. Having 3 house guests over the weekend was GREAT. But now, I'm just tired. Mostly because we were up late each night, and then I was up early with puppies each morning. o.O



Today I'm watching some of the original Star Trek movies, and I'm wishing I had done this before.. but well, I can only do so much. Still excellent weekend :)

So my guest are in town for the long weekend, and we went to see Imax3D for StarTrek. LOVED it! It was amazing. Plus the Imax3D is SO much better. Like amazingly so.



I'm exhausted because we stayed up talking till 1:30am and pups demanded their normal walk at 7am. Now I've had half a muffin, and some coffee... I think I'm ready for bed again.

Winston and Egon keep taking turns as to "who gets my lap" although Winston is so big now, he doesn't fit- so his little bum lays on the couch next to mine while he rests his head at my knees. Silly little pup! ♥

So things are looking positive for getting the funding to start the clinic.



I just have to sit down tonight and tomorrow to make certain the numbers make sense. I'm pretty excited.



HOPEFULLY by next week I will be in my new space and by then I can fully be getting things in place for reducing more of my debt.



THREE debts paid in FULL this week. WOO!



Many more to go, and still a ton of work but it is so NICE to have these "done."



Ok I'm tired and I think I'm going to watch stargate SG1... I think it's time to just kinda shut down for the night with the pups. Another walk is in order very soon.



My God-Mother in is her final days. She's forgetting big things as she transitions. It's really upsetting Mom, but she's going and that I know will make all the difference.



Hard part?



I think the day I sign the papers, will be right around the time we loose her. So while I'm all excited for a new fresh start, I will be mourning the loss of a woman who was so key to my thoughts and actions as an adult.



Interesting tid-bit, I've been seeing mourning doves around on my morning walks.

I reconnected my cell yesterday. And I'm right back to where I was.



I am definitely changing my plan in the summer when my contract is over. I think I'll keep data at what it is (provided they will let me) and then change my minuted down and keep the rest.



There is just a point that I don't want to have to answer texts all the time, I was truly liking my silence. So I haven't told many people- except a handful where I like to text as it isn't all the time. Those that depend on it... yeah, I'm still not interested. Boy that sounds crass, but really? I have a home phone for a reason. Pick it up and CALL.



Feels good to have that debt taken care of, one down, just a few more to go :)

We never fully understand the path of another person. The best we can do is to send them love, and continue making our path one of our desires, betterment, and love.



Anything else is a waste.

Asking for all the positivity you can send. I have sent in offer for place, and now I just need to come up with the first month...



Perhaps finding a wealthy benefactor for the healing arts...



I feel like it is coming together, but without having "control" it leads to some of the fear purely based off of "what if"... and I'm trying not to listen to the fear, but acknowledge the wisdom of what to look out for, and then release it...



This is huge, and in a way I'm overwhelmed.

So the pups are big "sissies". Went for an afternoon walk and yes it's sunny but it's only 22 out (72 for F folk)... and the pups are acting like I walked them through Hades...



Oh puppies, you're gonna get in even better shape... *throws squeaky ball*



Yes I am that evil.



And they are still banned from the guest and my room. We wend for a walk yesterday, and came back (no problem) and Winston promptly went into guest room to mark the futon (thank gawd for the throw I put on it). Full yell, and rubbing the nose in it, and he and Egon hid in their kennel for the next hour.



Now they can only be in the rooms when I am there. This is making it difficult for Spazz, as she sleeps in both rooms typically, but hopefully I can open the doors and have them "ignore the rooms" by next week. We shall see.

I need to vent.



First most of my colleagues in Natural Medicine are ranting over Angelina Jolie's choice of mastectomy with reconstruction.



You can't cut off body parts and stop cancer.



They are correct. You are lowering the percentage, but we all have genes that can "misfire" and give the "wrong code"... think of it this way, Cancer cells have not "defined" as they are supposed to so they don't stop replicating and take over instead of becoming the cells they are supposed to be. Because of this a healthy immune system with find them and "get rid" of the trash.



But several things play importance in Cancer in our bodies.



Diet

Exercise

Sleep

Bowel movements.



Those are the big ones. Other big ones are:



Vitamin D

Vitamin C



And less sugar as sugar (fructose) is the #1 fuel for Cancer cells.



So having said that, I'm in favour of AJ's choice because her lifestyle thus far has been:



Party girl, actor (16-18hr days for 6+ months at a time), high stress, Mother...



While she does seem to live a healthier life now, and has eliminated the risk factors, she still is at risk. Plus she has 6 children. In her shoes, I can't say I wouldn't make the same choice, as the funds are there.



However, look at myself who has almost identical past (not a superstar but was in theatre and partied when younger- high stress life last decade and half) and I would not. First, I can't have the gene. My mother tested negative and it is passed on the X chromosome, so not physical way for me to have it. Two, I am very active in "rest time" and prevention. I view it as quality not quantity, should I get cancer, my family knows that I will not undergo western treatment (way too damaging for the body, and in many cases for minuscule chance of survival- I'll have quality thanks) I will look at the type of cancer and see does it typically respond to "what" natural treatment. But I will not poison my body to live longer.



I don't have kids.



I have a plan for the dogs and cats.



I have done everything I have set out to do.



If it happens, it's all good.



But this immediate outrage at AJ is pissing me off. We are not taking the opportunity to truly educate. Help patients make INFORMED CHOICES.



Why do I support AJ's choice? Same reason I rejoiced as Suzanne Somer's choice... it creates discussion and encourages education.



Not all cancers are curable.



But a mastectomy is far LESS invasive and damaging than chemo and radiation. FAR LESS.



Yes we should live better, but what if our life style doesn't allow for "down time" what if it is always on the go? What choice do you make when you exhaust all the natural remedies and you still have a gut feeling something is wrong?



What about our own intuition? With Suzanne Somer's battle with cancer she stopped western treatment because she thought it would kill her... INTUITION!



Why is it ok when it is the natural and not the western?!



WE ARE JUST AS BAD AS THE DR WHO DISCOUNT OUR MEDICINE "BECAUSE THEY CAN"...



It is not US vs THEM



It is about honouring our patients.



Sometimes, they simply refuse to do the "work" for the healthy outcome. Because trust me, health is WORK.



Until we teach clients to educate, listen and observe themselves, we will never get out of the illness industry, and we as natural health practioners will be just a guilty for not bridging the differences.



*sigh*

I received the message this morning that my God-Mother is officially on Hospice in her home.



I fear for my one client, because right now the nurses are not giving his message to the Dr.



I've had a good cry, and now it's time to get things in order as it will be a busy day.

So I had another meeting today, and this person also used to work with me at the evil place (not the last one, but one before) and when I told her my plan she simply said,



"Good. You should be on your own."



O.o



Well it is hard being an alternative practioner, who wants to grow a business. Not just work, but grow and expand business. See most, just want to make money, but I'm also interested in the inner working and have background in hospital administration. I was offered many jobs that would have paid big money in hospital admin, plus I was give other opportunities that I turned down.



Which in the alternative world makes me a "threat"... if you have a big ego and don't understand that in business you have to save time and effort, and part of that is knowing your failing. And then setting up systems and protocols to support you in your weak moments. Most people call it "team building"... but in alternative medicine, it is "too aggressive" and not very "spiritual".



I would actually argue both points, but that diverts to another tangent. My point is this, it was refreshing to hear the "why" most people are excited for me, and the "reason" why this feels right. It is what I truly wanted to do.

Well I got the updated contract, on looking over it is perfect...



now it's just about seeing if we can get a private loan between now and December... so close...

I'm tired of being "tired".



I wake each morning rested from my sleep, but by the time I walk the dogs, I'm wanting a nap. It's strange. I haven't been able to nap for a few year, and then it was when I was doing heavy exercise. This past week, I am napping queen. Well. Today starts early so I better get nap on before I miss out.

Today on FB was interesting. With Mother's day and my friends from Church we for some reason have been up to the same pranks we did as kids... only now we're all mid 40's and still acting like teens.



It has been a lot of fun, a beautiful reminder that we don't have to "grow old" and more importantly how close our bond was as children. We truly were extended family for each other, and while life has us in all areas of the world- we still know exactly how to have a laugh, and love...



That's beautiful.

Riddick and Puppy cuddles... just TRY to tell me that isn't a effing awesome night!

It truly is the little things we should cherish. Not to take away from the grandness of the "big" but to remember the little moments- with my God-Mother, I can't remember off the top of my head any of the gifts she gave me (I know there were hundreds) but I remember how each card was heartfelt and beautiful.



Each one.



Grateful for the little things.

I'm feeling particularly blessed today. It's been quite the love fest on FB with my childhood church family, friends and those who were instrumental in my development.



I just posted a post to my God-mother's daughter, as she is in the hospital, with I believe what is the last "bit". The cancer has gotten her so weak that the last family trip they planned to Spain was cancelled.



A part of me is in "denial" that we're about to loose her. It seems so surreal. This woman who encouraged letters and notes, with humour and grace... I simply just can't imagine life without her touch.



It's days like today where I wish I could just fly across country for a day or so.

To answer my favourite Rat, I bought my Mom a silver brooch as she has an allergy to anything less than 18k gold (and I didn't have much to spend).



It was a rose, as flowers are a must on Mother's day, and had amber for the flower. Wanna see it?



I choose that one, specifically because of the "antique" look to it. It isn't "top quality" with etching etc, but sometimes that makes things look far older than they really are. I wanted her to have a Mother's day flower to wear year round.

So my Mom called me back, and was "smart enough" to have the package in her hand when she called. LOL



I think it was really she didn't want me to call her at 7am today going "OPEN IT" lol. I would. Seriously.



That's 11am for me. Right now it's 9:23 and if she hadn't, I totally would be itching to have her open it. Yup I'm a brat.



But I'm fortunate.



I know many people who have had destructive people in their lives, as family. I do as well. And while there is "damage" between my Mom and I, I also know that she does love me, and any conflict between us, is due to our having very different life paths.



Still I am grateful that she taught me the lessons to keep on and keep working for what I want. She doesn't realize how she taught me- but it was through her own unhappiness. I can never say this to her- but that example has made a very clear picture of what compromise I'm willing to do, and what ones I'm not.



Still for those who have wonderful mothers, I hope you get to celebrate with them. For those who don't, I hope you can celebrate the positive women you have had in your life that helped shape you today.



Happy Mother's Day for "real" and "surrogate" Mother's everywhere.

Mothers.



Really, I get all giggly excited about the gift I bought mom for Mothers day (thank you amazon with FREE over night shipping) and of course "I'll be home early" means it's past 6pm there now, and she's "just in the door"



Which means, she hasn't seen the gift I bought, and I wanna know what she thinks since I can't be there GAH GAH GAH...



Ok it's stupid. But I like when people open gifts I give... I'm weird that way.

So pups and I went for walk... MAN it is bad allergy season.. everything is coated in pollen... after the walk... so were the dogs. o.O

So another discussion today with Shannon about how to set the business up.



She wasn`t happy as it means less money for company.



BUT, now she gets why.



Where our set up is different: we will rent to practioners, at a fair rate. We will supply minimal reception and office assistance (printer, computer, phones, paper) but the rest is up to them.



Because of this, our profit is not based off practioners.



Our profit will be based off of what we do in the community with classes etc. So. That opens up whole new potentials (as half time Shannon will be creating her own income, or covering for me) and the rest is about just letting people know where we are.



And with this, I think we will do an indigogo campaign once we have the space.



Today I respond to the relator with what I want changed or clarified. I also will ask if we can pay first on signing, and then the deposit on the first month (that way they have first and last- but not all at once). With getting into the space, I can cover last myself- but honestly it will let us get others in on board to help cover that as well.



Who knows, maybe my response will kill the deal. But if it does, then it isn`t the right spot. That much I`m certain of... wish us luck!

I should be more stressed. Really. I should.



But something says just chillax, keep doing what you're doing and it will work out.



I talked numbers- serious ugly shit with my receptionist today. It's ugly we both know it, at the same point we still believe it will work. Some would say I'm silly for trusting her, but truth is, I can't do this alone and she is someone totally motivated to make it.



And do it her way.



Oh we are so going to clash at times. Tonight she was laughing, "see?! I'm pissing you off *tee-hee-hee*" It's gonna be good. Some of what she brought up I totally see and agree, we both have HARD work in front of us... at the same point, we both actually like that.



Plus... well, it just "feels right" all around. Like looking a head, I see this being able to separate on good terms and still moving forward. That is cool stuff.

Had another business meeting that involved wine and a patio... plus probably the best Greek food I've ever had..



I am seriously one happy, happy camper. Time for my food coma...zzzz...

We have the space, it is now a matter of first and last... and with how they wrote the proposal, it is $50 less per month than I was hoping for...



Egads. Now I just have to find about 4k.



O.o

I should also say I took my new boss out to dinner tonight :)



She's da bomb. Seriously the woman is giving me freedom like I've DREAMT of since I came... and that to me is incredible. Just you wait till you see what I do with her help... I don't think she's gonna be ready...



No she will be ready, but she won't be expecting it. At all.



FUCK YEAH! Oh and my assistant and I choose colours today. And my one client was a giggly excited my assistant is going with me (for world domination... heh) :D



Ok I am going to bed and Ice Cream shake coma....

Well that wasn't... too bad...



I only had two clients today, so I spent the day getting a few things done, started on my newsletter- took a 2.5 hour nap. o.o Didn't realize I was that tired, but with the restless sleep due to stress of the last week, it wasn't too surprising... still I did ok.



But what I did do differently, I left the pups out instead of using the kennel. I did expect the accidents... but the bastards peed on the bed again. GRRR It's being washed, but man... GRRR.



Still the rest of the house and their food/toys etc, not too bad for their first long time without me home. Now I just have to find out if they went all "stupid barky"...



Slowly I will get them to where I can leave for extended times and they will be ok. (I can go outside and work, and they are fine up to 30-45 min)...

I feel "kinda" bad. I haven't done much for the poker run, as I told the girls next year they are on their own, and I'm getting pressure from one to do more and make the other do more- when in fact it has taken almost two months for her to get a "no".



I told them both I have to focus on me and making

certain I am ok especially with what has happened at work. That is a priority, and I know it is one Garry would have agreed with. Still with everything, I'm not too worried, as my changes happening will mean I can "do a bit more" in the big scheme.



Yet it will not be what they envision. I'm taking it down several notches. Will still do shirts etc, but not going out of my way for all the prizes and such. I am getting some, but truthfully- the return was not even 1/4 of the effort I put in. I'd rather donate money than physically hurt myself to "force it".



And honestly I can blame them. Most of this work should have been done in Nov/Dec. So for these next few months we simply just raise money- but they don't see that. They just saw how stressed I was for a month and not the MONTHS of work I did. Bottom line is- we had 3 riders.



I see no need to hurt myself for so few. If we get more, great. I know we'll get some prizes so we have stuff to win, but it doesn't need to be what it was. Besides, if they don't want to put the effort in, it is too much for one person. Simple as that.

Well that was very promising. Very promising indeed.



To the extent that it sounds like they will do the renovations we want, buy us new paint and give us a few months free rent.



o.o



I don't want to get too excited if it all falls through, but DAMN I'm excited!

To turn the coffee pot on. :-/



Had massive dreams last night about the potentials, and what it means. Not bad dreams, but the oooh you are a tad bit stressed over this, if you've ever bought a new car; that feeling of regret, excitement and fear of not making payments?



Yeah, that was all of last night.



Good thing I'm off after, as I think I'm going to ask what I'll need to do to proceed.

Iced coffee and netflix. I simply can't do any more work today. :)

I seriously have sun and patios with strawberry/lime margarita's on my brain... Oh I can do this... but I'm so ready to be home. :)

I really have to keep my excitement in check. This space could be perfect for me long term, but I think I need to look at "doing it on my own".



I'm honestly a little "freaked out" by this, but it does feel right... let's see. Because things will have to come out of the wood works to have it work... but stranger things have happened...



Excited, scared, and optimistic.

And today, I'm OFF!



Woooo not off from work but off like a rocket *BAM*

So I only had a small amount of gluten yesterday... but it was enough to cause me to be asleep by 8:30pm. o.O



Been a long time since that has happened.



I still feel the "ball" in my gut. Bleh.



Just confirms why I don't eat that stuff normally.

On a side note, I can see how this summer will go. It's nice and cool in my apartment (it's the basement but still has lots of light) about 10 degrees cooler than outside. :)



WOOT! Bring on the heat, I might just stay in my "hole"...

Was a good day, went to two parties (one was the Norwex party Nicnivian booked off of mine) and then a scentsy party.



So at the Norwex party I got a few items that I didn't get and really want now that I'm using the system... and yes there still is more for me to buy at my other friend's party- and yet another friend might throw a party- yup still more. LOVE this stuff, seriously it is the bomb.



I'm pissed at Nicnivian because I COULD NOT STOP EATING HER ARTICHOKE DIP. o.o My ass grew just looking at it... so yummy.



The scentsy party was nice as well, I got to catch up with a few other friends, but more importantly- I bought HTM his birthday gift, now I just need to plan a small gathering for it next month. I also got myself a small burner for the bathroom with a couple of summery scents. Truthfully, I'll end up just making my own with essential oils- so I just wanted the burner.



But I now have a headache and sensory overload because of the party. She had three scents in the kitchen alone, and then a different one in each of the rooms. Way too much for me. But my apartment is clean, I have VNV playing and I think I'll log off to just sit with a book and read.

Potato salad and coffee. Breakfast of me :P

Kat came over last night, it was very good- seems we both had the same thoughts happening yesterday for very different reasons.



I'm about to give the pups a bath, and then I'm going to clean the bathroom and kitchen floors (the only cleaning left aside from Steam clean but that will be next weekend when I can remove everything from one room.



I feel like I'm about to run a marathon, and I'm pretty confident that is exactly what is about to happen. Something says "opening day on solstice" I think that will be the "party" but our opening will be sooner. I'm scared shitless and really thinking about this as if it has happened- but it hasn't yet. SO, hence why this is a encrypted message.



I found some serious stuff about where I was, they have basically gone into full self destructive mode. Unbelievable. Putting people on "leave" (granted it might be appropriate- but instead of saying "their next opening is two weeks from now" they just said, call back), this is horrible as it sets wrong tone for business. With my understanding that would have been the more appropriate way of dealing with things. Keep it private, professional, book a review before you have them come back and tell the clients nothing. There is an element it is appropriate to have discipline for someone who has done wrong, but it should have boundaries and safety nets for the business and the practioner.



I'm still learning so much about what how I want to run my business. How I want to benefit ALL, but not at the cost of others. I am learning there is more flexibility I have to express, learn and understand.



I cannot always be right.



I have to be ok with being wrong.



And sometimes I have to be ok with that putting me at odds with someone else. However, this makes me think of a big disagreement Heidi and I once had. We both openly disagreed, we both stood by our views. I took action, and while she told me she disagreed, it did not change how we worked together.



It was a huge lesson, and one I have to be ready to repeat with compassion, and patience.



I am SO grateful for all that has happened. It truly has been in my best interest.

2 glasses of wine, and I'm going to bed. I was supposed to goto a party at a bar tonight, but I simply just don't want to be social. Really.



I'm in PJ's and uber comfy.... zzzzz

Don'tcha just hate it when you use the wrong word in a journal entry? *sigh* oh well :P

It's a bitter sweet moment.



I want to jump up and down and be excited and babble about the space I just saw. I think it is "it"... But I can't because, well, I just can't.



However I'm VERY excited, I think I found "THE" space... It's just a matter of getting the right people involved and BAM we'll have an awesome space. Literally, that simple. Down to the two tiny rooms that if altered slightly are perfect for an acupuncturist... and the one room that is perfect for massage... two restrooms... I'm STOKED!



Now I just need the right people, and BAM we have a clinic. OMG OMG OMG... sooo bloody excited.... I actually started crying on the way home from seeing it. Partially because of what I started out saying, and partially because it is falling together...



I need to relax and breath. The right people will come... I know they will ...



Dog walk! and finish cleaning, planting etc. Great day!

I. AM. PISSED.



Ok so you all know how my boss let me go. And you know the ups and downs since then.



What I just found out, is that they replaced me with someone who IS NOT REGISTERED.



Not cool.



As that is my name and number on the registration packet with THEIR PHONE NUMBER (because they let me go right during the turn around and when I had to get info in). So an UNREGISTERED Acupuncturist is working on the client they book in some instances based off my credentials.



That is balls.



I'm looking into finding out if I can get friends to call and make a complaint with the college. I worked hard for my education, I've gone without food to pay for registration and everything else...



At the same point, I feel bad for them. They are digging their whole in a deep manner. It is only time. Everything I've heard confirms it. Too bad. Really, I mean that. It had such great potential.

Warning the following is a gross generalization, but one I find to be true.



My gripe with men? I love them, gawd knows they've created massive headaches in my life... but what really gets me;



They want you to be "ga ga" over them, but in return they don't give you any attention and complain that you "take too much time". Add to the mix how offended they get when you don't make time for them on THEIR terms...



Yet when you have time, they refuse to meet you half way.



Considering I'm looking for a PARTNER... what makes you think I'm going to find you in the LEAST bit attractive?



Nope you're a whiny child-boy that frankly I think should be spanked and left in a time out until your tantrum ends.



Yes I'm old, but that doesn't me desperate. It means I have DECADES of experience with children like you. Shooo back to your time out.

I think I'm going to make a pot of coffee when I get home... and then sweeten and put it in the fridge :)



YAY summer weather!



Oh and my feet hurt. It's the time of year where you have to "break in" all your summer footwear, add the awkward forgetting to close the sunroof of your car #firstworldproblems #truestory

And I'm finishing today with sweet potato fries :D



I have to say it's been one of those days where you see things start to fall in place and you can't help but get excited.



I know I will have "down" days and challenges, but days like today simply make me want to dance until the next one, because there will be more :)

Postpartum visit went beautifully.



Clients after have all been early- just one more and I can enjoy sunshine...



But the day just got better because I had the "talk" with one of my fertility clients. She has the "maybe" pulses, which means I want her to treat everything as if she is...



Days like this make me want to dance around saying "FUCK YEAH!"

I've been reading a lot regarding waking up and daily rituals that help us "do better" at work.



Now for some people these are habits that you simply did as a child and didn't think about. For me, I was a bit more difficult (go figure) and from high school on, didn't do them. Actually, I didn't start doing one of them until about two/three months ago (don't remember because I just started doing it, and it was before I started these readings in particular).



The suggestions are:

1. getting up early

2. making your bed.



See? Told you there were "obvious" yet I can't express what a difference it has made for me personally. I have always gotten up with the sun, so now days I'm waking around 6:30am. In winter is it closer to 7:30. I get up make coffee, brush my teeth and walk the dogs on one of the longer walks of the day.



I come home make breakfast, drink my coffee, answer emails, dink around here and just "do my thing" until about 9 am when that just naturally transitions into work things. From there I see clients and such- get home, cook and clean kitchen, maybe do a load of laundry, another walk and then either socializing (here or on a patio), perhaps some TV and then bed.



Before it was the same but I wasn't always making my bed. And honestly I always felt more rushed, like there was something that wasn't done, etc. Such a minor thing to create such a personal unconscious sense of chaos. Granted this change is a very minor one, but one of those ones where it simply assists with the "ah, yes that is done" aspects.



Ok I have the honour of going to work with a post-partum mum today, and then a rather busy day :) And I have to say, I'm feeling blessed!

OOOOOO my full belly... it has pizza overload... ooooo carbohydrate coma in 3... 2... 1...

Anyone else amused by the occurrence of:



Person1 starts drama "against" Person2.



Person2 ignores Person1.



Person1 rants and raves about all that person2 is doing that is wrong, against them, yadda yadda yadda.



Person2 ignores Person1.



Finally Person1 gets tired of being ignored by Person2 and then starts drama "against" Person3, who responds.



Person1 and Person3 engage in pointless online "war" where Person2 sits back and eats pizza and drinks hard cider.



Yup, it's just that easy. *smirk*

I'm making gluten free pizza YUM! :D

YAY Newsletter 2: Stop the STENCH is out! :)



Hey it could be about some people we all know :P lol

Heard back from the old boss, was a polite and professional letter. Exactly what I consider best case scenario.



Apparently they mailed my check 4 days after last pay... Hrm. Well I think it went to the wrong address (two houses with same address but one is West and I'm East). Hopefully it is there soon, as then I can get her a check a check to my landlord AND payment to the CRA.



Paid rent at new office space (same one I've been in the past month, still looking for the "forever" space), talked to my new work permit holder (soon to be) and situated a few things there...



I FEEL LIKE A MILLION DOLLARS.



Honestly, I'm now in a position to start helping myself and those around me and NOT have it be detrimental.



I also sent an email out to a potential building that is just for business rentals and has access for 20 hours a day...



It feels good.



I still have a lot of work, permits to get and paperwork to do. Plus I still have a bunch happening with getting debt down... but this is a situation I can handle. And I don't have other people's negativity over me.



I feel like there are so many options and I'm working towards them, and I am LOVING it!