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Over emotional, hormones are out of control (yes I'm positive they are cause- ESP after my last menses where I bloated 12 lbs).



I understood there would be these moments, and that I was doing harm- but now I question how much I've done. I'm sure I'm just fine- it's just another adjustment.



And go me! It took three months, but I'm finally caught up with my laundry! Wooo! Before you think badly- remember I can wear up to four outfits a day, and if I don't do laundry every few days, then I have to spend days doing it on the weekend. Anyways, all caught up! And put away :)

Slowly I'm getting caught up on journals.



I think I had to take a break as I remember too much how you wouldn't let me see just one side of things. We "argued" about so many things- only it wasn't bad it truly was a discussion. And if my view was narrow you wouldn't let me keep it. Topically we would cover anything, but what irked me most... Is when you'd take my argument and get me to concede your side- then the next time we'd be out with friends, your argument would not be the one you had me agree was valid- it would be my original one.



So bloody annoying, and yet... That is what made it interesting. It didn't matter how gross or "wrong" the thought was- we discussed it.

It has been a long week. Not horribly busy, but one of those, "really? Are you fucking kidding me?" kind of weeks.



I'm exhausted, and part of that I think is due to the tattoo work that I had done on monday, add to that the immigration work and blog writings I'm doing for my business and my cup runneth over... I'm so ready for a nap it isn't funny... however it is sunny so I'll walk home....

You know what's awesome???



Trading clothes for tattoo work *happy face*

It looks like I'm getting my best friends bike when she leaves the area. Sadly her mother is dying of Cancer and her moms husband is drinking to deal. Normally not a big deal- it happens. But in this instance there is no 911 to call and it's over and hour drive to hospital should she need it.



I am sad to see her go, but she got the call Saturday late evening. Funny how much my life has changed from one disease that I've never had.

Still feeling "metallic" but not much more to express there. I think it is a cold- but it's in a holding pattern, which I'm fine with as long as it goes soon as I also have the coated eye feeling too.



Am going to hot yoga tonight and hopefully doing some more processing.



See my baby brother messaged me on Facebook that he and his wife are going to divorce. From what he's said they are ending it at a good point, before it gets ugly. I don't know what to think about that. A part of me thinks it is both very mature and immature in the same instance. Mostly because of the situation they have been in. Add to it, the shift of priorities, I don't see it as wrong- I just want what is best for him and honestly I would love to move him out here where I am- as I'm more and more convinced that the entire family needs to leave Seattle.



Too much holding us back as individuals there. If we sold all but my mother's house, she would have money to retire, help my brother out where ever he wants to be and even loan me what will put me ahead without causing stress or pain. But letting go of all of it- well that is where the problems lie. And that I can't do for them.



That is one thing I learned so very well with Charlie- neither one of us tried to "fix" the other. Yes we would call each other on what we saw that we knew the other didn't want, but the choice to act or not was always up to us. That we each chose in such a manner that built the friendship- to me is an attestation to how special it was. It is easy to keep friends around that don't challenge you or that agree with you. But to keep someone that is honest and still supportive of you, even in complete disagreement is far more difficult.



I feel bad that my brother has not found that. I am thankful for the good times that he had- but more and more I see relationships falling apart simply because there was no friendship to support the relationship when things got bad. There was no want to truly delve into things with the other person... sure they had sexual passion- but where was the passion for life and sharing that?



Others can criticize my choices in having truly intimate friendships, but I have something that even their relationships don't have. I have the knowledge that someone saw me at my complete worst, called me on it, and then supported and loved me expecting nothing in return for that.



That is something to celebrate.

I was doing so much better- working out trying not to remember too much- doing work that needs doing.



Then the taste at the back of the throat hit- you know the one that you taste into your sinuses?



I think I'm getting sick again.



Demmit.

The fun of journals here is all in the comments >:)

I drank too much this weekend. It was a very good weekend- I won free tickets to the local comedy club for myself and 9 of my closest friends... Then my co-worker and friend choose to feed me beer... Once that was done we went dancing at the industrial bar.



I woke a little worse for wear knowing I was supposed to go out again last night. Which was to retro night... Again too much beer from friends, lots of dancing and now my brain feels like it has peach fuzz all over it. I'm trying to distract myself at all cost. As I simply don't want to think about it- yet even so it is right there.



At one point last night the music stopped in the skip like fashion that happened when Charlie and I went jumped from the bench to the floor last year. Several times if I didn't look- I could swear I saw him out of the corner of my eye with his friends. But I can't admit that- it simply isn't what I want to believe.



I'm not ready.

There is so much irony in how we subconsciously behave. I used the name Charlie because I didn't want to share my true thoughts or feelings. The hubris of hiding or privacy was one you never understood yet is primary to me. Where we have irony, is that I wanted you to publicly stand up for me when others used perceptions and rumors against me.



Keep it private, yet publically speak out.



Chaos and contradiction...

The hard part of love, and loving unconditionally is not related to your affection. It is trusting yourself enough to allow it.

My family owns a house one the pacific ocean. We have known that a tsunami has always been a threat- but historically it is one that travels from Alaska. Now we all wait to see- I hope that those who live in the small coast town have places to leave to until after- and those already trying to clean up and gather their lives the strength to do so.

I don't wanna.



So I'm not gonna.



Time to head home and then the gym. Lord I'm still fatigued.



And in some ways more in my head than I've ever been.



*Don't feed the Doe, she bites*

"sheen'd it"



Shutters, "say it again"



"sheen'd it"



"ooooo say it again"



"sheen'd it"



"ooooooooo"



say this a'la Lion king

Can't sleep. I went to the newest Jennifer aniston/Adam Sandler movie tonight with a friend. It was a fun movie. After we were talking about how when Adam Sandler does romantic comedy, there are the way over the top comedy moments contrasted by this boyish innocence that has an integrity to how real to life the moment is.



Sadly life rarely allows for true resolution, but the illusion of it sure is pretty.

That is what yesterday was.



No it was nothing that happened to myself, but several friends are going through what is easiestly described as crap. I hope that all the misunderstandings, hurt, pain and loss for a path are not only solved, but that the resolutions are a relief and ability to move forward for all.



Time to make good things happen just by putting thoughts into that place.

Perceptions are a bitch. I've had to deal with going back to some of my emotional outbursts in the hospital and see case and point where mine were completely off.



What is worse is that the evidence to this was right there but NONE of my friends here choose to point that out to me. Instead they chose to play it up in a manner to perpetuate the misconception. All I needed was for someone to point out the other aspects and I would have righted myself. Yet the choice they made was not to say, "No, look at this" and so it has taken two months to see where I went wrong.



To me that is frustrating as it gave the group motive for "drama" that was not needed and in fact not welcome by anyone. Yet still not one person could say to me look again. Ironically it is not something I acted on, but reacted on.



All that emotional pain could have been stopped point blank, yet the masses chose to use it to hurt me more. For that I am thankful to my friends here who have had the gumption to say to me "stop, look again". Because in truth they have not led me astray- they have helped me understand myself and how I relate to people better.

And a part of me refuses to hear, although I see all too clearly.

That I had the issue a client I saw today had..



Injury due to sexual escipades.



Heh explain THAT to your boss lol!

So smart it's dumb.