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Apartment, Insurance in place.



Now it's just packing and selling what I need to sell.

I need to focus on GOOD news, not the asshats in my area (long story, that isn't worth breath right now).



I GOT THE APARTMENT!



WOOO I will be living in a ROUND apartment. Come on y'all, visit me in Kansas :P

I sent the public message out today. It is emotionally draining to go over and over that "yes, I'm really leaving". Not to mention how sad I am that I have to refer patients out.



But now I go home, and pack a bit more, because my lease is signed and next Saturday I will be in Kansas starting my new job on the Monday.



HOLY SHITBALLZ.

It completely breaks my heart.



There is no way around me having to close the clinic. It just is not feasible. And it makes me sick. So many people that have depended on treatment that are now left without- cheapest i've found is 40, and many of my clients will do that, but still.



I can't express how much more of a failure I feel with this. Truly it would have been better if i had just let it die in the summer. Fuck.

I want to vomit.



This situation, there is NOTHING I can do, and I can't help but feel like I have let everyone down.

So crazy runs in my boss' family.



Not only in the instance with how she didn't get my paperwork done on time, but also with her kids.



The original plan was for her and her BF to take over the lease here. She told her kids this... and they started to throw away her things.



o.O



Keep in mind they are 19 & 21 years old- NEITHER pays rent or for food. They caused many issues with my business over time... and well. You get the idea.



This will be better. Just over a week and half.

Oh dear, there is the stress...

I'm having a hard time. Not with it all coming together; but with what it is.



I don't want to.



But the choice has been made, and frankly I'm tired.



I can do more from this choice (and yes it is still a choice), however...

Just finished watching the Mortal Instruments... huh. I don't quite know what to think.

I'm going to have 3 angry animals on Thurs. That also was done today.



Whirling dervish?



Yup. That's my life. So why do I keep waiting...and fearing that I don't deserve this and that I should continue to suffer?



That's a huge difference from before where I simply trusted.



I can't help but look at all of this and feel... broken.



It also keeps crossing my mind that my only purpose here has been filled. To say it creates a sense of bitterness is not far from truth, still I believe in certain thing; while feeling abandoned by these same things. Too many times have I walked changes similar to adolescence.



A loss, in the midst of a tornado specifically meant to move me. "There is no place like home"...

Move date confirmed.



Uhaul rented.



Insurance quotes made.



...



Application for rental- being done now.



....



All that is needed is government contact to get my passport back.



What a change for 5 days. Now I have to focus on what is best for my patients. Wow.

My name is Sahahria and I ate a pizza tonight. Not just any pizza, but ham and bacon pizza. Gluten free. When it got here I had a portobello mushroom roasted that I cut up and some red onion, along with pineapple that I added.



It was delish.



Now I don't really want to go to bed, but I know I should. *sigh*

The difference of four days...



One room packed.



Three more to go.



Job secured.



Apartment found, and it looks like I'll get it.



Tomorrow I deal with movers and/or renting a truck.



Packing party this next saturday.



A replacement for my patients.



Just missing the vet appointment, and enough money to get me there.



Full tilt boogie. I'm a bit amazed.

I have to say I'm enjoying having the heater on high during the snow storm :P

Send positivity... I found a large 2 bdrm that is 400 sq ft larger than what I have, and is $215 less than I'm paying now.



Just this one last piece.

Is it normal to be numb? I truly feel... nothing really is fully registering. Not overwhelmed, not under; just ____.





*sigh*

I can't help but look back at the urgency I had with coming here. Seeing how Garry and I met after this, and how the friendship happened.



To seeing him die, and wondering what I was waiting for; to seeing the Poker Run.



Knowing that I was ending the Poker Run after last year, and now... this.



I knew something would come and there would be signs, but never did I expect this...



Yet it simply seems complete. Ironically it may also mean that I don't return many times. Funny how we associate things with people once they are gone.

I hate to say it, but a part of me feels really good about the move to Lawrence. Not because I'm leaving here, but it is an established practice I will be going to- and I don't have to "fight" to stay or have the stress of being an immigrant.



I get broke, I either find a part time job or work on my marketing. I have many more options than I've had here.



Plus I'll be able to pay back my debt sooner (a big bonus for me). Some things, I'm still working on how it will honour me the best, and allow me to move past some of the repeat mistakes I made here.



I also don't know if I'm going to tell everyone publicly. I'm in talks with another Acupuncturist who does Community work; and frankly- I am hoping she takes the practise. That way I can know I've done my best by my patients and more importantly, that it will go on. This city needs what I started, now it's going to be up to them to finish it.

So much happened today.



1. I have to leave Canada for a year.

2. I found a job in Kansas that can easily replace the one here.

3. found a place to stay in Kansas.

4. Had boss submit info to local MP (at this point the only thing that is stopping me from going to Kansas is the burden it would be by my moving).



If MP isn't able to do something for my situation, I know where I'm going; sadly I won't be returning to Canada. I just don't see that happening. There is no reason to move, start up something else, just to leave it a year later.



I'm not ok with leaving Spazz for a year at her age.



I'm not ok with being "inbetween" any more.



Buffalo I could make work, I still might, but this offer in KS... FAR more tempting. FAR more so.



Now it's just a matter of seeing how these last pieces fall.

well that sucks.

Hour and a half.

I think I found gold in my paperwork.



I haven't finished application yet, but I'm down to petty things like looking up certain numbers and verifying dates. All of which still require the LMO. This damn system is all about that ONE piece of paper.



However the paper I have says I can continue to work under implied status based off my application for work permit.



Here is the thing: I applied. In October. However, the online process won't let you extend, and won't let you submit incomplete. We couldn't get LMO because of delay with employer's business number (had to wait three weeks for gov to send paperwork and then put posting up, as LMO means I'm not taking a job from a Canadian. Then we had to wait 2 weeks for applications). We got 3. NONE have the basic requirements, and NONE were even Registered by the Ontario College. So, it is implied again that I should be able to maintain as while we didn't do things perfectly; we did do them- and it is the governmental delays that are causing my status to be lapsed.



Now I just need tons of positivity for a person who works with us.

I hope I sleep tonight. A light hearted comedy along with last min paperwork will hopefully do the trick.

Uggg. Tomorrow I go in for that meeting/hearing. A part of me wants to feel nauseated, and another part is completely ignoring it all...



Still this at least will get me answers in what is going on. I will be one step closer to finalizing all of this, and hopefully leaving the stress of being an immigrant behind. A friend mentioned, when you are in my position- you always wonder at an unannounced door ring, a unexpected letter- really almost anything can be "scary" because it could mean "the end".



With all of that, I'm hoping that my gut feeling of it being ok is why I'm not really "stressed" but nervous over all of this. Still...



At least I slept really well last night. Hopefully I can get to bed again tonight early- so that I'm "fresh" tomorrow.



Ugg.

13 patients today! BAM :D and I'm done early Woot! OK, back to the pups that I'm certain are very much looking forward to my being home. Excellent day

Well that was a much needed distraction from the stress of this week. Thanks :)

Well, looks like I get to "eat crow" for making fun of the Seahawks, like, since I was a child. They are actually going to the superbowl. Crazy.



Is it bad for me to be glad not to live there? It is probably CRAZY, and while it's great to be around that; not in city of over 700,000 people. That's too much crazy for me. Still Facebook has been a lot of fun tonight.

I am nervous about Thursday, but I can't shake the feeling that it will work out. I might be fooling myself. It's happened before.



Still I have to admit the anxiousness is nauseating. Four more days.

Sometimes the best way to show respect, is to light a candle at home; and tell no one what you've done.

So two years ago I bought a BlueRay DVD player during the Boxing day sales, that has Internet abilities. This week I finally hooked it up... OMG YAY Netflix through my DVD means I can play on the computer (here) while watching movies :D





Heh.

I could end this life in the most mundane of ways; and still it would be considered extra ordinary to many.



That doesn't change that at times I wish to live vicariously through others. Because sometimes cool things happen to us all :D

Two bottles of wine tonight.



A part of me wants caramel popcorn again, but another part is willing to wait till tomorrow... I just don't know. But that could be the wine.

Puns before coffee. Heh ^.^



That is how every Saturday should start. Just sayin'

Those of you who know my alternative profile know that I often express more personal feelings as poems. Last night as I was reading some of them, I came to realize how over time that personal bit fades from them. There were some I know who I was thinking of when I wrote them, yet in reading I could put another.



Then there were others that were still raw. Not necessarily the ones I would have thought.



Finally there is poetic license. Because some were not truly reality but rather what I "hoped, or dreamed" of in reality. Truth be told, I don't really know what is real in there any more. It is its own realm. And I'm good with that.

There is something eternal, special about your online friends. Here it seems life is suspended and we can be whom ever we choose to be.



Yet we keep rotting and living; granted we choose which it will be.



Still there is a greater shock, sadness, lack of belief when one of our own dies. It is as if another piece of our childhood innocence is lost. One more loss of the magical and fantastical in our world. Yet no one really shares it in a space comprised of ones and zeros; still all are affected.



You remember the real people here, and despise those who lie and waste what a precious thing we have in our imagination. Those who prey on the innocence of dreamers and attack the integrity of the ones who abide by the verbiage that creates this space.



Maliciousness breeds further self hatred, your minor victories are ever shorter lived, as each new "war" is testament to. A part of me would want to pity you, yet it is plain you want to be this way. You have been twisted by what little power it gives you; forgive me as I laugh at your ignorance to what you really have.



I have failed so many times, and am at the brink of utter failure one more time. It is only a matter of when as to when I have risen from the pain that was to what will be again. The joke is I'm richer than what money could ever supply me. When I look back, it is not at the failure of material gains; rather the love and support I have found, even when I was so very unlovable.



You will never know this, weak characters never do. They relate to the movie version, which can be fun; but it lacks the true substance that only blood and tears will bring. Where salty after taste punctuates every word, and every attempt to get up creates a burning fatiuge that seems insatiable. There is no flexibility when differences cross their path, for they only understand what they want. True elementals do not apologize until they realize the havoc they created. It is not intention, it just "happens". Nor is it all the time, it is a force and one that sweeps everyone around with it. It is creative, chaos and you will never truly know it.

Friday night with the boys :) I am so looking forward to this!

I have to hurry as I have a sushi date with a girlfriend. I also have her belated Christmas gift. So much I want to say here, that others have so eloquently said in my place.



There are times that there truly are no words.

"I was going to try and fix it, but after I seen all that.... I ran in fear. "



Bwahahahaha

Finished painting at the clinic today. Not my best job, but honestly with all the hack's that the landlord has done; it look 110% better.



Ok time for me to finish laundry and do some chores, after all tomorrow is a work day.

One of these days, I'm going to film the whining that Egon does when Spazz has my lap. It is PA-THET-IC.



Say it just like that. Big ole fat crocodile tears. Constant pawing to try to get the lap.



*BAM*



Spazz swats them and the whining starts again.



I swear it's like having kids here...

You know life has shifted when you see the pictures people make fun of online, and you simply don't find it funny any more. The lack of maturity, along with the element that any person you know could have posted the same picture and you would have said something nice; because you know them.



Yup.



Spend more time treating people you don't know, as if they are people you do know. Never forget the golden rule, treat others as you wish to be treated. Pretty much sums up my random thought of looking at the facebook newsfeed.

I honestly wonder if there is something broken in me that I don't want to fix. Some flaw unseen, that hinders me from really wanting to attach. Seeing what I went through and how thoroughly the loss of Garry devastated me, I feel bad for how flippant I am in the getting to know you phase I'm in now.



I don't think it's fair to him, knowing how I can be. But I'm also not lying about where I am. Good thing the next two weeks I have other things (as does he) to focus on.



Don't get me wrong.



I like him. I even kinda miss him. Yet I'm loathe to jump in and run off. Still a part of me misses that energy, that spark. And it isn't not there, it's more like I'd rather neglect it than have it ignite.



Lord I'm all sorts of messed in the head.



I want to go hang out. Have someone around.



I desperately don't want to loose what I've spent 7 years building.



My situation isn't fully controlled by my person right now with immigration.



And somehow I almost want it all to fall down to start "fresh" and over again.



What/how do you find a way around this kind of circular behaviour and thought?

Knew it... So the boss sent my LMO in the end of last month. Only she didn't make certain all the pages faxed. So. They only got one page, and that means it has to be re-done with a $275 fee added on (if she had completed it last month- no fee).



Good news, she can do it urgently. *sigh*.



It's a good thing I'm a bit paranoid with dealing with immigration. As you can see, there is real reason to be.

I'm late. Had "nightmares" only they weren't and now they are garbled and well... Today is a slow day so I have to get a bunch of work done. Wish me luck. I already have many of my documents; but I will see which ones I still need and will order those today.

I have completely effed up my sleep schedule. Bah.

Just finished reading the full Hunger Games trilogy. I have to say it's is one of the better books that I read this last year. Yes, I read a lot of young adult fiction. I enjoy the flow and imagination that these books have. There are adult series that have this same interest, but not as many I find.



Plus at the end of a day, after reading technical/medical books for work, having to deal with some craptastic things with patients; reading these books is an easy and joy.



That is all wonderful, but I can't help wonder if my anxiety comes from the books or what's happening. Yes, the lines are blurred; and I'm not certain what end is up.

In the summer.



So in part, I'm at the "sign" I've been waiting for; and in part I truly think this is just a process I have to go through. Why?



I do have some ideas, but for now it's still scary as I don't know what to expect. Truthfully it will be a huge relief to have the choice done.



I've been summoned into immigration because of the report and because my current boss has been slow (not entirely their fault- several times they've had to get original documents and that means up to 2 weeks in the mail- and 2 weeks can make or break my process. Well, it's been at least 3 of these set backs). So I'm calling her today to see if she can ask them where my LMO process is. Once I have positive LMO I can go on the website and finish the work permit process. Then my meeting will most likely go like:



So, I was in process and we had to wait for LMO (Labour Market Opinion). Before they would post the job listing (required for LMO) a form had to be mailed and then returned to gov. That was done but it took 3 weeks. And hey, that would have put us on time. So. You caused the delays.



Or: We are still waiting for the LMO to be approved.



The latter puts me at greater risk of deportation.



But even so, there is a risk they will come down and say no. And if they do, well a clinic is for sale in Seattle. But I REALLY do not want to live there. I can start up with Acupuncture right away there... but no. Not live. So no to that clinic.



My family has a beach house. It is in a rural area. I could get part time work and open a clinic there. My Mom would love that. I'm actually not opposed to that. The move over the mountains now- UGG. I would have to rent a van and/or find someone to drive with me. I actually would ask my landlord as he can trade hours. We would just have to buy a return flight home for him.



There is Buffalo. Today I'm doing some more realistic looking at some clinics in Buffalo. But I couldn't start working until I went through more testing and applications which is more money. I could however get a standard job with temp agency and that could solve that while I settle and study.



Another possibility would be NOLA. The issue is I don't have funds or a place to goto- and I have a lot of stuff. Truthfully I know people would say just sell it, but I'm not certain I want to as some of it are things that I really struggled without when I moved here. There are clinics there, and you need to work under an MD. I should have issue with arranging that.



It would suck to leave everything here. I really don't want to. As messed up as I've managed to make everything- I really like it.



Yet there is the very real reason that it would also "free" me from some of the negative here that I've been struggling with.



There is no "winning" answer. At this point, it is up to what this meeting on the 23rd brings. My key thing is not to hinder my ability to travel across the boarder. That is primary.



So yeah. I'm a bit freaked out. But strangely I'm very calm about it.

I will be making some journal entries private again. Let me know if you want the code.

Back at work today with the freezing cold. This morning it was -40 in the windchill -25 c.... so needless to say the puppies were NOT willing to go potty outside. Nor did they go inside on the pup pads I place.



That will make it interesting when I get home. Hopefully they will go out, do the business and then get back inside. Humane society reported that animals will get frost bite with more than 5 minutes out today o.o



So yeah, today is a great day for nature's miracle.



On the plus side, the cat rescue still has that calico... I'm hoping in the next week I can try fostering her. If it works as I hope I will adopt her by February (helps me to not have to pay $ for her right away). I just hope they don't over socialize her. I'm not a fan of needy. I like my cats aloof and full of attitude. Hence Spazz....



But I do want to start with fostering this little one, just because I do have a full house, and it needs to work for Spazz and the boys. Who am I kidding? The boys have wanted to play with Spazz since day one. They will be down with a kitten in the house. Really, this is about Spazz- and hopefully some feline companionship for her (you can tell she misses Scrapper more than people would have thought).

So. I'm taking down my Christmas Tree, and notice the cat staring at the oven strangely (not her typical I want chicken kind of way). Then I notice the light is on in the stove... only I didn't turn it on.



CRAP.



It's a FIRE. Baking soda, turn it off for a few... and now it's running just fine. My only dilemma is: do I tell landlord after I've cleaned the stove; or do I post it on FB for maximum humour value as my landlord is HTM, who is also a firefighter here >.

Ugg. He died on the 2nd. Take his fucking picture down already.



Bah.



It's bad enough I see the flood of pictures of grieving friends. I simply don't want to see that. Perhaps that's why I brought my crocheting out.



Me thinks it's time for a movie. And pup walk. I'll paint later.

I need to finish painting the office today. But I really don't want to leave the house. At all. If I don't I will take down the tree, and I kinda like it... one more day.



After all today is the 12th day of Christmas.

I have been reflecting on end of life a lot this past week. Not just because it was three years since Garry died, but another acquaintance (yes she is that, at one point we were working at being friends, but her arrogance and disregard for others made me choose to actively block her from my social circle) is looking like she will not make the end of the year due to her breast cancer spreading. Another friend of a friend is going through stage 4 treatments.



And that brings me to my thoughts...



When do you just accept and treat for quality not quantity?



Now, don't get me wrong, I think this is a personal choice. However our medicine is set up to force LIFE, no matter what. At what point is that inhumane and should we be supporting the person in transition?



Looking at Garry, he was an ass. Truly. He had one group of friends saying "we love you but die" and another group saying "we love you but live". The reason was Garry himself. He would actively avoid talking death (I can speak from my perspective here 100% certain of this.) In fact he ONLY talked about living with me. What he wanted to do when he left the hospital, his plans for his future, etc. Then... ah, here it is; THEN he would turn around and say "so and so doesn't understand. Blah blah blah (I can't interject what he actually said, but I can with the first part as MANY people would come to me and say, "he's dying Ann" to which I typically would say "Yeah, I know, I smelt the Ketosis as soon as I walked into the room" dumbass' didn't remember Acupuncture is MEDICAL- anyways) I don't want____.... I wish____..." thus drama was ALL up and down that hospital floor.



Did he mean to? Doubtful. However, it is exactly how he lived, so why would we expect different from his dying? He didn't truly get counselling until the very end. And even that wasn't enough for him to fully process everything (we all do the best with what we've got).



But I look at how he lied, and how his fear ruled his treatment.



Then I look at people like my Godmother, with far more support, and understanding of what is happening and how to set up support for her family after she is gone (she was a hospice nurse of 30 years). And the differences are huge. Still, the end, was messy. Because the treatment she was on, was supposed to work for 2-3 years. It worked for about 6 months (I had foresight that this was happening- and that's why last year I went home, I actually did something nasty and guilt tripped my mom into buying a ticket for me. Now that this all played out, she knows why I did- but it was hard knowing, when everyone else was still hoping). My last visit with my godmother sucked. She was sick. Chemo wasn't working and she sat there with Egon and Winston. Didn't say too much and you could just tell. But what was said was said in love. Was supportive for all, but mostly for her. It was a hard goodbye.



But I keep seeing all this propaganda for treatments that leave you with less quality of life, and I wonder- what would happen if someone said, enough? Would they be painted as not understanding a throwing their life away? Why not celebrate their choice?



For someone like me, it's easy. I have done everything I have said I wanted to do. There are still so many things TO DO, but everything I've truly wanted, I've done. Not the the success level I hoped for, but it was still done and adventures were had. I don't have kids (and this is huge) because of that and being single: I have a plan for the animals should something happen- but I don't have something "holding me here" or that I feel I have to try to live for. I would much rather FEEL GOOD till I die, than some of the other options. If I had kids, well, chances are great that I would change that for the life option- at least until they were teens/adults.



So why?



Why does our society have a balls to the wall ideal that we should HAVE to live? We all have an expiration, or time when the body will stop repairing. Why not be supportive of the individual's choice, and make it possible for both choices?

Are you holier than thou in your atheism? Then know I view you the same way I view annoying evangelists.



Just like the "friend" who always has to be right, who has to put it in perspective "not to complain" in a manner where they feel vindicated and "better" than you.



Really?



People can read through that, and you are not the smartest person there is. Actually, neither am I; but that doesn't remove that I'm putting you along with the annoying crowd.



Some people simply have to ruin the "fun" of others, because, it's fun for them. Move on...



Still, I appreciate my working heat today!

-16 with wind chill putting us at -26



why am I suddenly colder than I was prior to reading that?!

Ending a difficult day with Warm Bodies, chocolate and wine. Because I can :)

Broke the screen on my phone last night.



Broke a lamp once I got to work... needless to say, I'm uber happy that it is PJ day. Kinda hard to stay in a bad mood when you're working in rubber ducky jammies and big santa socks :P

On a happy note: PYJAMA PARTY at work today!!!!



I. Am. SO. EXCITED!



Yes, I get to go into work and wear my PJ's ALL day :D



BAM



Awesomesauce

There is the out pouring. I get it. I want to be angry at it. I want to bitch about the things you didn't do.



I want to truly not care.



Then I think about what I have to do today, and how normal today started out. No one else has to know if I don't choose to tell them. It is freeing. So much of the past years has had your "mark" on it, while so much didn't. The problem is from their perspective this is not the case, they are looking for you.



I've been ignoring you.



That's how it is when the dead are around. A moment here or there, but when you hang around I will ignore you. This is for me to live, and to live without thought of what someone else would say or do. Frankly I'm tired of feeling as if I'm loosing my mind. So yes, I may notice, but then it's back to the day to day.



We all have our choices, I've made mine.

So it's started. Part of me wants to avoid Facebook for the rest of tomorrow (the 2nd) as while I remember, I don't really want the visual. This year I purposefully choose to work today.



I remember.



Not a day goes by that I don't think of you.



But it has been three years, and I have a future that must come before anything past.







I still miss you so much it's like I've lost a part of myself. Only now, it's a distant pain, and I'm able to "be as I was" which means, it's time for me to keep moving forward. I would say "I'm sorry", but I don't think it's warranted. Life is for living. As you, my friend were so ample to express.

It is a good day of reflection. One of my annual traditions is to watch the Lord of the Rings Extended Movies.



For me it is a reminder to keep on going no matter how bad things get. To not over emphasize the difficulties until they are in front of you, and most of all remember who you are; it makes a difference.



So, reflection. Movies. Enough said.



Happy 2014 to you all :)