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Bloodrose wrote:

It's going ok... Been playing 5x5x5 and hangman like a maniac trying to gain favor, trying to get SilentBlackRose to our coven... lol and Jason wants 4000 favor for her! o_O



I should be studyin really but eh...



How are you? :)



sahahria wrote:

Let's see... I've been wandering profiles and the forum, playing 5x5x5 and ignoring my work, not packing.. lol Same as you :D





Bloodrose wrote:

lmao!!! when we end up being unemployed, homeless and poor we'll know who to blame :P



sahahria wrote:

YEAH, Cancer!

Updated 2/3/06: Interesting how the news changes day by day- hmmm proof that you can no longer believe what is the writen word by journalists. The link is an updated article that had origianlly reported that the mother had abused /neglected her children.



http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/national/1110AP_Children_Beaten.html

Adjectives –MEH- I have a love / hate relationship with them. The funny thing is, I am now realizing their importance in how I create my life.



1. I want to organize.



This simple statement changes to:



I want to joyfully organize.



2. I want to move.



Changes to:



I want to move with ease and grace.



So this week I will cheerfully go through the intentions that I created regarding the next six months of my life and add adjectives. Because you want to be careful what you ask for, and if you’re going to ask, why not ask for the positive.



Who knows, maybe this will make me better at hangman; it amuses and pleases me to win favor.

My best wishes go out to Emaerald who has left this community.



While I was just getting to know her, her face will be missed whenever I roam through VR.

Now I am truly beginning to understand why my best friend has been pestering me for years about physics. The reason she thinks I should pursue this field of study, and I think more and more she might have been right all along.



Watching this movie, has explained my way of life prior to the trauma of the last 4 years. And why I am desperate to reconnect with that person- who observed and created her own world. My fears of moving, the ever growing coincidences that are changing the facets of my life to make the move possible, along with the ever changing emotional toll of those I love and care about are explained in one not so simple film.



How did I forget? Something so basic that I saw from my youth, perhaps I merely saw my destination then and understood that there would be a time when I would need to forget what I already knew to grow into what I am. Sleep might have clouded my eyes, and until I am fully awake I will not see fully. But I am aware, and things will change.



I don’t know it, I feel it.

A small hidden house in the forest, away from the bustle of the cities is where I wish to rest. In between trees and the lush mosses that grow. I want a secret place for my retreat when I am unable to sleep.



I woke this morning after a fairly, uh realistic dream. 2:00 am meh, only slept for 4 hours. Got up and read the rest of the night. Around 6:30ish I fell back asleep. I really don’t like days that this happens, as it makes it harder for me to regulate my body.



I know I’m in for many rude awakenings once I move out east- esp. with the time change. This will probably be the biggest risk I’ve ever taken.



But after dreams such as I had last night, I can’t help but wonder what is real. Am I truly going insane? Every bit of me really believes this is right, yet I sometimes get paralyzed with the fear of what I am trying to accomplish. Then there are the practical questions – what am I reading into things and what is a true moment.



I am beginning to realize that there are not true moments except for the ones we create and hold onto. This might be my stumbling point. I am always the one who is there for others, yet I can’t let people know when they’ve gotten in. I get hurt far too much. I want to be the one that is wanted, not taken – some where in the middle. Balance. It scares me that in one conversation almost, 3 or 4 months ago, I felt perfect calm just from a feeling a déjà vu that a person’s voice gave me. Thinking about it I remember very clearly as one remembers vivid dreams. He has in his own way, gotten in whether he knows it or not.



This is why I am both drawn and withdrawing at the same time. He scares me.



I cannot bring myself to call again. I need to know- really know in the flesh if I’m just an insatiable dreamer or if some how I will be lucky. The odds are against me, as they always have been – but that has never meant much to me. In the end, it all works out for the better, but I am afraid of feeling too much, of not being in control. And that is what this move is truly about.



By taking control, I am losing it.

I just received a note from my brother, seems like he’s going through his very first breakup. I wish I had someway of removing the pain from him~ But I trust the fates that this will in fact make him a stronger person, help him see what he wants to be and to be able to make changes from here.



Maybe I just have a different idea about relationships, but every one I’ve had- I’ve left wanting to make changes in myself through introspect and reflection. I want to learn- move forward and not stagnate. I didn’t do this consciously in my 20’s and now that I’m mid way through my 30’s I finally feel mature enough to understand that it is the deeper things I truly want.



Friendship- for the times I’d rather stab my partner, to give us something to maintain our respect for each other



Financial- for wanting a better life, and the ability for us both to do what we want- meaning long adult discussions and planning.



Business- So we can talk, plot and scheme to take over the world together ;-) I do not think any long term relationship will last that can’t deal with life’s business- bills, money and other stresses are one of the number 1 reasons relationships fail.



Companionship- for times I don’t want to talk- but just share experiences with them.



Fitness- I want to play and PLAY HARD! Don’t want someone that can’t keep up!



Finally Love- I want that silly feeling each time I think of that person- kinda like my dogs wagging their butts off when they see me… I know this can’t maintain a daily status, which is why it is last- it is something I believe that can be grown into, and developed over time- not just a chemical reaction that we have the first 6 months- unless you are someone who plays short term- I like to play for keeps.





That is once I get passed the “FUCK OFF AND DIE” phase of the break up… lol well, no one is perfect!



I hope my brother is able to discover what is important to him and start his process there now on his own, as that will make it all the easier to know if someone is working for the same goals or not later on…



Know that I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this painful time, and if I thought it could help you- I would take your pain in an instant. Love you.

Truly sleep is not a crutch... am dragging very badly today and was hopeful that I might have time for a nap, but it's back to the regular scheduled chaos.



It is always good to be busy, but the last six months have taken this to an all time scattering effect. My friends have determined I excel at 2 or 3 things at a time, but I have been doing more than that since Aug/September. I see a slow down period here soon, but that will be eaten up by the move and "creative financing".



I don't think my brain has rested since I figured out where I will be moving. Hopefully once I move, I will have a period of time where others do not DEMAND from my time the way that they do while I am here in Seattle.



One interesting thing that did happen, I dreaded my arrival back home. It is definitely time to move. Hopefully I will be starting out somewhere where I at least feel the possibility of home. That and I’m getting the itch to row, I don’t like rowing here, too many bad memories, yet I want to feel the water again. This numbness that I’ve cocooned myself in needs to be shed fully, and hopefully for the last time.

Can I trade mine for yours? I find myself obsessed with reading other peoples thoughts, as if they are a magical link to my own.



In my search for finding and understanding myself- I am getting to the point where I really think this site, while it has helped me is starting to cross the line and hinder me. It is so much fun, and yet that is the same reason I do not play video games, I would NEVER get anything done.



Now back to what I started to rant about. Journals… I can’t get enough of them; I read them from when the person started to today… with some this takes over an hour! Yet I read on, hope for a glimpse or a phrase that will allow me to relate, understand… be somewhere other than where I am.



Going off now, will not return till Monday (If I can keep this resolution- we shall see!) LOL, thanks to all my new friends here- the diversion of you, creates so much happiness, but for all around happiness is the goal.



Cheers!

Went to see this last night. I had very little expectations since to me King Kong seemed to be just another big budget movie.



I was blown away with how they brought the beauty and the beast metaphor to an entirely new level. In asking about the movie, a friend mentioned the fight scenes as a favourite and then gave hints so I would know them when I saw them. Was amazed at the sentimentality of one of these scenes. I guess that I had hoped this person was in fact moved by these things, yet I don’t know if I’m afraid to bring it up or if the opportune moment just hasn’t arrive yet.



Most moving part to me was the dynamic between Ann/Kong, and Ann/Writer. This is the duality and the key difference between men and women. I think this movie shows what many women desire. On the primal side we still long to be protected, and cherished by someone that is obviously dangerous, yet to us is so wholly different. It is for the ME alone that this side emerges, they will fight and die for us should the need arise.



Then conversely there is the sensitive part, someone who suffers as we do, that we can console, who needs the nurturing that we seem programmed to give no matter what the cost to us. Wholly apart from how we feel, yet longing for our attention and willing to follow us in order to save us from ourselves.



Somewhere in between I think lays the secret to a good, well-developed relationship. One where strength, integrity, emotions and our primal desires are all addressed and dealt with. Anything less would not be nearly as fulfilling.

Who Wants To Date Daire?

Posted: 17:04:11 - Jan 03 2006

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