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Not just coffee, it was Dancing tonight! WOOHOO :)



And it's offical, I have my puppy back :D He's dancing and acting like OMG you aren't feeding me again!? LOL it's been a long time since I've seen this much spring in my springer boy... makes me wonder how long that eye has really been an issue.



But it's gone now, my ears are ringing.. and all I can think about is where are we goin tomorrow night :D

What can I say? This speaks to my theatre geek on so many levels!

I did take pictures of Holmes, for those of you that are wondering what glacoma and/or a one eyed dog looks like...







The eye over a week ago- trust me when I say this is nothing to how bad it got by the day of surgery.







Taken right after I brought him home… he’s got the, “ooo do you have a treat look” on his face. :) He's gonna be just as handsome as before... perhaps an eye patch to make him more "distinguished".







Arrrrrr matey! I be pirate Holmes, watch yer bootey and food for once I’ve rested I be out to pillage!!!

So apparently Holmes choose to sing to the vets today, see ever since he was a young puppy he would "sing" for his food. Yes he sings on key- and yes he holds notes- it's quite cute and a little intense if he really wants a treat.



As he grew I taught him to do it on command, not just when he was getting fed... so today since the Vet often gives the dogs lots of treats, he felt the need to serenade them all day... only they did not give him any treats :(



Tis ok, now he's home has had food and treats- and he is sporting a Jolly Roger collar :D

For all your well wishes...I just heard from the vet (and then as I started this again from the vet).



Holmes' surgery went very well. He went into it with a wagging tail and begging for treats (he's an opportunist). The vet was very pleased both with his personality and attitude, even though he was not give the treats he wanted, "he's a tough old bugger, isn't he?" the vet asked. LOL why yes, yes he is :)



While I am not having the eye sent to be diagnosed pass the glacoma (it could have been cancer) my reasoning for this are partially financial, and partially because I would not change his treatment. Even if he does have cancer, he is 13 years old. It is one thing to stress his body with surgery as he is very fit for his age and in very good health. That said, treatment of radiation or chemo for my poor puppy would be very expensive, and secondary would drastically decrease his quality of life, which was the primary reason for the eye removal.



Paying the horrendous vet bills I have now occurred with this surgery are not the issue as I truly believe knowing my dog as I do that he will live one to two more years now if not longer. That is not to say something won't happen or come up, but he has been healthy so very long and my over all cost of being his owner has been low due to the diet and exercise I gave him as a puppy and truthfully until I moved. Slowly as I'm getting my feet under me I'm getting he and the furry brood back to what I consider an appropriate diet and lifestyle.



This is where so much of my impatience has been, to give up everything and then be faced with the guilt of what you had. And that is why compassion is so very needed for me in my situation. I have been faced with should I put my best friend to "sleep" or should I fight for one or two more years that are not the quality of life he had, but one with love and understanding? Selfish of me? Indeed it is. My animals are my emotional support, as I never have had an emotional connection with someone where I was simply allowed to just be me in all my spastic glory.



With animals I find I do not have to try to hide or mask my hurt, they simply know and understand. They take your emotional abuse and give you back pure love. This is why I think so many animal activists are "rabid" for the cause. No human is able to do that for another so completely without much trial, error and understanding.



We lack the ability to be, own our moments in all of their faults. For this I am so very thankful that I have been able to share my foibles with my animals and have them still love me. LOL as Spazz would tell you- it is because I feed her. Heh. I choose quality of life, and I choose to be in this moment. I hope that as time goes on, I can further emulate the stellar example that nature has supplied me with.



Brutal, honest and true in what it is: To be unabashedly myself and know that in that I am being my most compassionate and understanding lovable person. I simply do not know how I will falter when tested. But I hope and pray that I have your understanding and compassion when I fail because in our weakest moments it is those we surround ourselves with that will remind us of who we are, and what we can do.



So while I may not be as comfortable sharing me with my people, my furry friends have made it clear why I need to, and why I should. I’m still learning, and will hopefully continue to do so until I am nothing more than a memory. I look forward to tonight when I can spoil my dog once more and get to watch his recovery back into the enthusiastic love that he is.



I hope one day I am not so self-conscious that I can express the same excitement and wonderment at the world I live in. The exuberance and passion that he expresses, while tiresome when I am down, is infectious and a powerful driving force. I want to be that force…

Who is man's best friend? Try this experiment: lock your dog and your spouse in the trunk of your car for an hour. Then see who is glad to see you when you open the trunklid!



Of course my thoughts are with you and your furry friend.

Surgery tomorrow, keep my furry guy in your prayers.

I am holding my breath for some payments that I have been waiting for... if they come through- surgury will ideally be this week. Cross your fingers, as the eye is not looking good and while he's still his cheery self, I know he is in pain and sleeping more because of it.



Otherwise his skin is clearing up, his ears are doing well- just this bloody eye is causing him issue. I can't wait to have my puppy back and know that he's not in pain- it is really wearing on me overall.



Still there is good in the situation- only I don't want to look at it until I am past where he is now. I simply want him well and the knowledge that this is temporary is the only thing allowing me to "keep it together".

Ok this has been bothering me for sometime now. How the hell do guys answer emails, texts and other questions with just ONE WORD?



Heck I've written several paragraphs, put lots of thought into what I say and I get ONE WORD back?! WTF is that?! ARGUH!

Earlier I was so flipping frustrated I wanted nothing more than to cry. The situation is not resolved, although I will be able to do what needs to be done.



However I also was given what is a very good check on what I need to do. Not that I wasn't aware of it before, but many people do not understand the severity of my situation as it is.



Being an immigrant is not what everyone thinks or cares to think about. Nor is it something I consider myself- as I want to do things on my own. Not that friends haven't helped- it is just I prefer to make my own way. In view of what has been happening- I see much clearer what steps I have to take and then follow through on.



I spent too much time last year working my ass off for a person that now is basically screwing me. I need to do my own business- I have known this, still being that I want to help I put myself into this compromising position.



Small steps forward, a few back but I am more clear than I have been on what needs to be done and in what time period. Reality check? You bet it was, better now than later- and I still have a lot to do. It just goes to show you that people will resent you no matter what you do if they have the reason or justification to do so. Never have I been more exposed to the petty issues of others. Still I need to keep things moving forward, and I am- even if it is slower than I wanted/hoped/planned for. Now if I could just get those that owe me to cough it up – damn insurance companies….

My horoscope should have said:



Stay the hell in bed today- you'll use your time far better this way.

He's back!!!



Woo-hoo my baby bro is back on VR and kickin', just watch yourself because he will tell you as he sees it. Consider it a family trait.



PortlandBarFly

I have been pondering death a lot these past few weeks, not my own, but mortality in general. Holmes needs to have his eye removed, and as I do a financial song and dance to make this a reality I also have to look at the overall picture.



Is my baby really just on the downward slope? Will I do this just to have him falter majorly? I have always kept him in good condition, fed him as best as I've been able and supplimented him with vitamins and love.



Then I remember "Sarah" (name is changed) who I rowed with for one year. She was amazing, funny, bubbly, and just plain likeable. We were a pair in the eight that went to Head of the Charles in 2001. In 2002 her husband shot her and their unborn child 5 times killing her. I remember when I got the news I could not understand how someone so loving and kind could have this happen. Nor could I understand how the man that was so wonderful could do this. It seems he had a severe mental illness and both his and her family were unable to get him commited so that he could get the help he desperately needed.



They (both families) stood up for this gravely ill man during his trial. Both spoke of how he disappeared from them, and both demanded that the healthcare system that failed him and his family now get him the help he so desperately needed.



I still don't know how his story continued. But I know the pain and loss of that woman still affects me. What it shows me is that life has no promises- you can infact be ok one minute and then the next something will happen that will destroy your perception of reality.



It is what we do, what we are able to do and how we face these things that makes us "better" people. I pray that some of you never understand what this story means in my life. While I know some that have greater pain from lives that played out just as tragic.



Live your truth in your moment. Our greatest gift is this moment, no matter how insignificant. Dare to speak your truth and then from there live the life it represents- even if other emotions: doubt, fear, lack of esteem want to get in your way. It is only with pushing through that we challenge ourselves and grow.



So I will continue my journey, and while I do so- I look forward to and am thankful to those of you willing to share your journey with me. Transformation is not the then or the to be- it is in the now. We all have the potential for great lives, of our truth. When we walk our truth we shine, and people notice it even if they will not do it themselves.



From the light in me to the light in you... Namaste.

VD is the gift that keeps on sharing!!!



:D





Happy Valentine's Day! :P

I remember. More important, I feel and am learning. I don't know how to express it, but she wakes.



I have been slumbering for many years.



Too many.



But call it what you will, destiny pushes us towards where we belong- and I know the why.



Hurt.



There is going to be so much more- but it is unavoidable.



Pain.



To the extent that I will wonder and cry out why me.



Yet she will more than wake, she will rise. I taste it in every fiber, and I have known this taste before. Time first to continue where I am in the now- which is waking. Truly seeing and then moving on. For those that think what has been is something- you ain't seen nothing yet.



Extraordinarily ordinary.



The cards that I have been dealt have taken me many places I never imagined, and still I long for more.

From the Camp of the Beaten



I have learned something well worthwhile

That victory could not bring--

To wipe the blood from my mouth and smile

Where none can see the sting;

I can walk, head up, while my heart is down

From the beating that brought it’s goad,

And that means more than the champion’s crown

Who is taking the easier road.



I have learned something worth far more

Than victory brings to men;

Battered and beaten, bruised and sore,

I can still come back again;

Crowded back in the hard, tough race,

I’ve found that I have the heart

To look raw failure in the face

And train for another start.



Winners who wear the victor’s wreath,

Looking for softer ways,

Watch for my blade as it leaves the sheath,

Sharpened on rougher days;

Trained upon pain and punishment,

I’ve groped my way through the night,

But the flag still flies from my battle tent

And I’ve only begun to fight.



Received from “Red” Smith

Assistant Football Coach

Oregon State University

I now know why it is called that. But with the deal I've found and my lack of internet at work- I have a working solution to my not being reachable.



The bonus aside from less money is now I have unlimited txt and email to the states. So already I've been able to connect with some of my Seattle friends that have been rather difficult for me to reach prior to this :)



YAY



And if you know me and want me to add you to my list, wooo



But if you don't really know me and want me to... I just might not respond... ok play time with toy-actually work O.o



WOOT to making work fun again! hahahaha

No pictures yet- because in all truth it looks just like my avatar again :) Not the blurry "old" tatt look, it's all fresh and colourful again!



Although with the new needles and such I highly doubt that it will get a blurry as it once was (keep in mind this avatar, while it still looks like me- is 15 years old). Once I start my leg piece (I still have 2 lbs to go) I will start with the pictures of both.



I'm very excited- but it's going to be a while before the leg is completely done, as with Holmes still not responding to RX we are probably going to have to remove his eye. Still I will have the leg started- just will have to take longer in between times for the settings (right now just the lower leg is estimated at 2-3 sittings which are 2-4 hours each).



But I will start it, as it looks like my vet will take payment plans for payment. This is huge as it will allow me to take care of me and Holmes at the same time. If not, I will simply figure something else out. I will not sweat the small stuff- at the same point I will budget to within an inch of my life! lol

So far this week Holmes is feeling better- but his eye to date has not responded to the RX. I'm really getting stressed that I will either have to put him down or have a financial blow that will hit me very hard.



Fatigue is starting to wear on me, the past few years of long hours has had a toll- and now that I'm getting much more active, I'm feeling a bit better- but far from where I should be. Doing all the hot yoga I'm doing is a stress on my body simply because of the detoxifying aspect of it.



I am currently going through extreme emotional swings because of the toxins (what many people don't know is that the weight I'm currently loosing is from birth control that my body had an extreme reaction to) so I'm releasing so many things from the time when the weight was gained- there are days I simply feel manic/depressive.



Granted the extreme swings occur rather rapidly and are typically done in "grouping" and then I'm back to my normal state for a few more days. This is why I think so many women have trouble loosing weight- we relive our emotions that caused us to gain in the first place. I am thankful I'm aware, but it still does not make it any easier living in my brain currently.



Add to that the illness/potential loss of my companion for the past 13 years... an well I'm just a wee bit off.