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The pain has been bad today. It doesn't help that I keep forgetting to take my supplements right when I wake up. One of the bad things of having someone in the house is the change of routine. Four more days of work and then my surgery.



Shits getting real, and I can't believe how much my body seems to be failing right now. I've never felt weak in my entire life. Right now I'm so clouded in pain I wonder at how I make it through work.



Still, I'm looking forward to some basic things after surgery:



Coffee. I can only drink about 3 oz of it right now.

Pooping. With a mass blocking your colon- yeah it sucks.

Less or no pain.

Exercise. There is so much I want to do, but due to the nature of the mass- it's a bad idea.

Eat. Right now too much food makes me sick, I'd like to be able to simply enjoy a meal.



And the irony of timing of this is not lost on me. Look back in my journal four years ago. This time there will be a different ending- but the similarities are eerie.

10 days...

It's a bright shiny Christmas, and sadly I started to ovulate which is my worst time. My small Christmas gift is that it's my good ovary- which means less pain. Although I'm looking forward to into the woods with my mom today.



I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and have ample opportunity to spend with family and friends who are like family.

Getting ready for work, and then time with the puppies and mom :)



I'm slowly starting to adjust to the new pain levels. You know what they say- pain is a great reminder that you're alive.



Merry Christmas to all!

The mass seems to be blocking my vein which is causing numbness in my leg and pain in my shoulder. Not much they can do- so it's waiting until surgery for it to get better. 12 more days. I can do this.

So 2014 goes down as the year I accumulated more debt, than any other time of my life. By the time of my surgery it will be close to 35k. Considering I don't even make that much, it's a heavy chunk of coin. Keep in mind, I also have good insurance and haven't had many appointments yet.



I know our economic system is failing, and I can't wait to watch it fall... Because the rubble is shifting and people are starting to see...



Today is better, still some pain, but less. More work to do this week to prep for my surgery. I'm taking 9 days off, and I hope there are no complications that force that to be more. Not much I can do aside from prep and hope it's enough.



2014... You had some good points, but mostly you sucked. Looking forward to the progress and improvements of a stellar 2015.

I see why people don't always talk about how they are, when they are in pain.



Hi I'm fucking worse today. Please don't talk to me because my head hurts from trying to block pain all day.



That or you just get cranky and wanting everything done all at once, even though there is no way to get it all done because you know you won't be able to soon but you need to while you can.



Yeah, that's today. Back to movies and early bed

Drs apt was yesterday. It's a humbling experience having digits in your rectum and hoo-ha while the dr tells the med student about your huge mass. Date for removal is Jan 5th because the specialist wants to do the surgery himself.



Not out of the woods yet, we have one ovary and potentially my uterus on the "scrapping" table. With the examination yesterday things were moved around enough that I'm in more pain until I can adjust to this new level of it (benefit of high pain threashold is you adjust if it doesn't get worse). The good news is that it sounds like he's going to save as much as possible. Diagnosis won't happen until after surgery. One of the reasons the specialist wants to do it is to take points to biopsy and see if there is cancer, how much there is. Personally I'm shooting for benign, but I know that's a long shot.



Now it's the waiting game of seeing how it goes and if it disables me enormously afterwards (this could potentially be very ugly, as the mass is obstructing my colon). Side note, it took all my power of control not to respond to the Md when he mentioned the colon obstruction with, "yeah I could have told you that. I know I'm full of shit".



Heh, yup I'm so not a good patient.

Moms in town indefinitely. Here is to hoping that we can get most of my procedures done quickly. Thursday is when I find out more

I think I'm going to read tonight which means early bed... And perhaps a hot bath

Damn. I was feeling so good I was hoping for no bad days... But... *sigh* it feels like it's going to happen on schedule.



Plus side- dachshunds make fabulous lap warmers

When I buy my own place, part of me wants to build an old fashioned library with fabric walls... Totally not my regular style, but for a library; I'd love it.

Lights are on the tree, not feeling the rest of decorating today. Perhaps more tomorrow. One of the sad things of being human, is when you simply must rejoice at having a bowel motion; the relief it brings, is one of a palpable nature.



And thus, you have my weekend TMI moment. You're welcome. ;P

It was an exceptionally good day. I put the tree up, plastic'd my windows and did all my laundry. I like this feeling. Normally when I laze around it's because all the big chores are done, today made me feel like I can do them!



Good news is, as long as I don't over eat; I should have one more week until I have a bad days again. It's great knowing what can trigger this, it just sucks that I can't stop the normal female cycle that triggers the bad days (since at the very best the ovary is infected).



Count down for remove the blob keeps on going... And mom will be here soon.

Two welcome surprises this week. I received a card from a friend which contained some unexpected but welcom help. That same day I found a property for sale near the clinic that is well within the budget of what I'm hoping for, including renovations.



I'll know more on the latter once mom gets here as it will go in her name- because until we know Im goingn to be ok, well, we have to treat this seriously and think about a way to help me work with out having to actually work. Regardless Of insurance, I'm about to face serious medial bills, and some are already coming due.



Today I'm doing laundry and setting the Christmas tree. It's taken me three hours to plastic two windows and just get the framework of the tree up. Yes I'm slow. It's part of having constant pain- and discomfort. I'm also not tracking things as well as I normally do. I can't wait to have this blob effing removed. The constant infection is weakening my immune system and I can't imagine if I didn't know how to eat/supplement, or have such a high pain threshold, how I would be doing. Yeah it sucks, but life goes on and the tree won't put itself up. Let's see if I can get tree and window done within four hours. that would make me happy. Nevermine that's how long the entire cleaning to set up normally takes... Can't dwell on that. This year is far from normal.

I got all of my Christmas decorations out... Now I just have to have the energy to clean it all and keep going.

Walking dead... I've watched three episodes, last year. I really wanted to get into it as I love zombies and apocalypse stories, but I couldn't.



The show actually gave me anxiety to the point of not sleeping; which never happens to me. I actually wonder if it's because of the intense stress I was under at the time. Perhaps soon I'll give it another chance. But not quite yet...

I just had the first positive dream in ages. You know, the good kind where you want it to keep going, only the animals need to go out? Yeah it was that kind. I still don't want to get out of bed, yet I know it's time.



Happy Monday!