The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Pride and Prejudice
09:02 Dec 23 2005
Times Read: 1,028

I find myself often wondering how I would have faired in anther time. I am an exceeding independent, head strong, stubborn woman. I will not allow someone else to “rule over me” nor will I bend my will to someone else’s’ unless I choose to. I demand to be met as an equal. While entertaining in my mannerisms and enjoying fun times, I will become serious in a second if the situation calls for it.



It goes to the extent that I’ve had boyfriends say, “If you needed me” or my personal favourite, “if you would only let others see you this way”. I am not a tomboy, nor am I a girly girl. I don’t know that I could describe myself if I wanted to.



How would I look in past times? My family situation would have prevented me from marriage, or would they have forced me into it? Much of what I am stems from a grandfather who desperately wanted a grandchild to show things to. He taught me how to fix houses, plumbing, paint, and be athletic. I remember his reading to me from the classics, quoting something that he had found in the library that morning. The world was one big adventure waiting to happen. I was in awe of it all, and wanted to experience all of it. Effortless protection, I was able to be, ask and explore who I wanted to be in the safety of family. Even when things went wrong there was only love.



At a loss is how I view our social interactions. Gone is the grace of getting to know someone and the small trinkets we would share in appreciation. Instead the gaudy and material things have taken over. Small words would mean so much yet cost so little.



I want to explore myself, and my desires once more. To do this, I find that I must remove myself from the clutter and habits of the past 10 years. I can feel the same emotions, and state of being I used to exude- it still exists and is now demanding to be freed. Just one last bit of obligation and it will be let loose. They were wrong, it isn’t better living what should be. I’ve now done it as long as was necessary and will not do it again. So you don’t hear the same beat… ask, I’ll share it with you but it may not move you where you want to go.



Great things always happened to her, whichever way the wind blew that day. But for tonight I will dream once more of Miss Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. Two so unalike, that they don’t see the completion that they create.

The Producers
07:24 Dec 20 2005
Times Read: 1,031

I *almost* want to go back into theatre after watching this. Matthew Broderick is no Gene Wilder, but after what starts as an almost painful start (might change my mind on this) this is one of the first time that a musical movie has the charm and appeal of a stage performed musical.



Sadly the weakest link was Uma- very beautiful... but just not enough. Especially once you get over Matthew Brodricks "over bits"... and who ever can hold a candle up to Nathan Lane? Will Farrel was over the top and funny as the laughable Natzi.



Brilliant.



*sigh* I can see the lights fade as houselights go up, the patrons walk out... the smell of sawdust and burning gels... almost...

Insert Foot, Swallow
17:16 Dec 18 2005
Times Read: 1,034




*Sigh* Why am I so good at saying the wrong thing when it is someone I actually care about? I am so good normally, but when it’s someone I care about~ I just fudge it. Damn it. Makes my ramblings meant to let someone know that they were thought about seem like lemon/salt in a fresh wound.



AND I KNOW IT, right after I’ve said it. DAMN IT



So sorry, that was not my intent. The intent was to let you know your were thought of in a very pleasant manner. I have faith that even though this is a major hindrance to your dream – It will come to pass. I wish I could make it happen sooner, but it I firmly believe that everything happens exactly when it should. Sometimes it’s the waiting that is the most painful bitter part of the journey. I want my words to mean something, to be if you would a way of embracing someone to protect them. Instead they ring false- I’m trying too hard~ some things are better as just as hug in silence.



I hope you accept my apology.

Reality Check
22:32 Dec 17 2005
Times Read: 1,035

FINALLY. The big storm has broken, and finally the cards are on the table. Discussions of the property and my move are happening in a mature manner. I am quite certain there will be other meltdowns, but the big one has finally passed.



I left today KNOWING that the gears are in motion and now both my mother and I will move forward. She is not as clear as I am with what direction hers will go~ but I am excited for her as she deserves to be able to do "whatever the fuck" she desires. Just thinking about the possibilities makes me smile.



Finally I feel my feet beneath me, small steps are going to get bigger and bigger. My anxiety seems to be doing better now that I can sense the end of this drama. Now the work begins.



It is the dream that motivates, and the soul that guides.



I have heard the call - and will be there soon. I have NO CLUE what things are going to look like, but everyday they are becoming clearer. I feel it in every fiber. Will things now finally settle, will have a break from the grief of the past 10 years? I have no idea. But I have hope. Never before has it felt so welcome and sweet. I pray that most never go through a total deconstruction of spirit, as I think that is the only way for hope to be so fresh. My feeling now is, that if I follow this dream all will be all right, as it always is in the end. It's the shit you go through getting there that people never understand. Ten years ago, if you had told me what my life today would have gone through, I would have told you I wasn't strong enough and that I would never make it through that kind of pain. I still wonder at how I have come so far when other fall. Truly, I have amazing support around me, as I am sure they carried me without my realizing it.



Tonight- I party. It's the annual Port Party, and I'm gonna glam up and have fun with my friends, who have been an amazing pillar for me.

Next stop... your guess is as good as mine.
02:57 Dec 17 2005
Times Read: 1,036

Meh Migraines suck. This is why I hate getting so busy... I will break myself.



I am feeling better for certain, as I went fabric shopping and am now the proud owner of some black corduroy and pink flannel with kitty faces all over it! Am thinking that I need to make something cute/fun/warm as Seattle has been much colder than it's normal easy temp. We're actually getting below zero! Whoo-hoo! But the problem is... it's never cold enough to make me dress warm, so I always freeze.



My thoughts are to make an A line skirt out of the black cord that is fitted at the waist with tiny silver daisies (did I mention I LOVE DAISIES?) buttons that have black centers evenly spaced along the bottom as a "trim". The fun twist is that I'm going to line said skirt in the pink flannel (hmmmm warm/cozy) so that if I choose, I can "roll" the hem so that the kitty faces show and the daisies hold the loops to keep the hem up.



Heh heh I LOVE clothes I can wear to work, go out in and feel comfy in... Definitely feeling better if I want to sew... gads... where have I been?!

Round and Round she goes...
18:00 Dec 16 2005
Times Read: 1,042

Well I knew when I said I was leaving that all sorts of problems would arise. Now I seem to be in one of the larger storms.



The emotional toll on my psyche seems to be getting greater not lesser. Nothing worth having is easy they say. I have started the first steps, and now it is time for me to call my cards in.



I have friends who are well connected in the Ontario area and with some of the teams that I wish to work with. Now is the time for me to ask for introductions and recommendations. Shouldn't be too difficult, as I seem to be the one that is over looked, until I ask for the recognition. I don't really get why that is. Why should someone have to ask for acknowledgement- do it and be glad to do it. I'm learning to ask now, as too many opportunities have passed me by for the "we didn't know you were interested". I've told you now, so you know.



One of my coaches keeps saying, "think outside the box". This is so difficult when all you seem aware of is guilt and shame for knowing that your life is moving in a direction that others don't feel and therefore can't comprehend.



Thank god for Robin, she rememinded me today that the emotional outbursts against my move are not going to be rational, nor are they going to be nice. She is also insisting to have me take her or her husband with me when I go to meet someone out there that I have been chatting with online. LMAO… funny how when you’re on your own turf everyone let’s you be on your own, but once you go to theirs they want to protect you.



I can not say how thankful I am for my friends, who have all basically said “don’t let the door hit you in your ass as you leave Seattle”. Every one of them understands why I MUST do this, and aren’t giving me the “shame on you, you have so much - why throw it away”. Hopefully my family will start to see the greater good in all of this eventually.



To get the greater things in life, you must be willing to sacrifice what you have.

Shared Energy
04:12 Dec 14 2005
Times Read: 1,043

Well the tides are turning and things are starting to MOVE.



How do I know this? My patients have started asking me if I’m staying. I have NOT been discussing my move with them, but within the energy that I share during a treatment, they are starting to know that I am looking to leave Seattle.



I’d be really upset if I wasn’t as familiar to the workings of a person’s Qi. As it is, I’m not sorry just a little surprised. Generally things will start to fall into place from here. I am still working on my resume. It’s almost like pulling my teeth. I HATE talking about myself in this type of form. I would much rather discuss strengths and weaknesses in person or during an interview.



Still there is much to do in Seattle, so much that I am quite often overwhelmed. Everything will happen when it should- at least I am confident of that. Now, I am off to bed. The last few months of working 60-90hrs per week has really burned me out. Time to take more Cold Snap curl up and sleep until the morning.

Be careful what you ask for... you just might
05:30 Dec 13 2005
Times Read: 1,045

I am watching the Crow for the first time in a long time. I am reminded at how sentimental the story is, and innocence lost.



Funny thing is ~ so many of us long for that ideal love, forgetting to have something so powerful damns us to greater loss in the long run. So instead of being sensible tonight I will pretend that happiness exists and that in someway I might...

Freak
00:04 Dec 06 2005
Times Read: 1,049

Freak, dumbass, moron. These are all words to describe myself. Note to self... learn to shut up... do not say what you are thinking as it always gets you in trouble.



*SIGH* One day I may learn these lessons. Until then hopefully people will try to understand my quirky inablity to see, but not see.

Numb
00:32 Dec 05 2005
Times Read: 1,051

I just found out that one of my childhood friends from my church died yesterday. I had known him since he was only a few years old and I was a friend to his older sister. This is not the first death from my church. Back in ’97 there was a beginning to what I now view as a time of mourning. During this time the church lost over 25 people in less than 2 years. Of the people I lost, were my grandfather (who is the only father figure who never let me down) and my uncle, and an aunt. During the past 8 years I have lost over 40 people who while not my closest friends, were people who were there for me as a child who cared and nurtured me as only someone in a tight knit community can understand. There has been so much loss that I can’t even remember them all unless someone mentions them, and then for a brief moment I feel their distinct energy and remember how they left their impression on me.



Death has visited my little world so frequently that when I hear of another, I can feel myself start to shut down. I don’t seem to feel emotions, all there is, is a great loss and grief that I will not be able to acknowledge that person face to face one last time. To in my own way, thank them for the imprints that they gave me, of the community we shared and how rare, it really was. It was not perfect, but within our imperfections we were all allowed to become who and what we are today. Each and every one of them is special.



I wish that time, distance and everything else would allow for them to have known it.



Instead I withdraw further, until I don’t know where I am anymore. Many think my reasoning for not attending church is the politics (I do admit this is one of the reasons). But the real reason is that I can’t seem to forget the horrible pain, and all of that loss. I desperately wish that I could cry and release this. I want to call my friends, and be able to just be held and truly mourn. I find myself too proud to ask. Rather than cry, the tears well and dry without falling. Am I no longer able to feel? I truly don’t know anything except for how alone I am.