You are not a Premium Member and you are blocking ads. You are using Vampire Rave for free. Vampire Rave relies on ads in order to operate. Please disable your Ad Blocker. This can easily be done for Vampire Rave only.
If you are using Chrome, click the red hand button at the top right of the screen:
Then select: Don't run on pages on this site
If you do it correctly, the red hand will turn to green and you will no longer see this message.
Ok Move part 1 day. Today I hope to get all the "Big" stuff over to the new place, which means I will be there most the time... AND I don't have internet there.
I still can log on from my phone, but as many have experienced, it sucketh. So, want me? Message me... and wish me luck.
Oh and send a big burrito of power to Images... she's going on way too many days without power, and I'm certain they are all wanting the comfort of electricity. But since I can't supply that, I intend to supply them with lots of love.
Ever have a breakfast that was so good you simply want to make and eat it again?
I just did. One red pepper chopped, one quarter of sweet white onion, three hard boiled eggs and one teaspoon of greek yogurt/mayo (each) mixed together like an egg salad with a touch of Himalayan pink salt....
I am going to take a long bath tonight. Long over due.
I'm hoping an early night as I need sleep, and while crew isn't going at "stupid thirty" it will be soon, not to mention my move this weekend and quick stop across the boarder :)
I wonder how the puppies will act this weekend? Shinannigans I'm certain will follow.
From the food network: Bacon Ranch Potato salad... only I'm going to add 1 cup of crab meat to this:
Mix 2/3 cup mayonnaise, 1/4 cup buttermilk, 2 tablespoons cider vinegar, 1 minced garlic clove, 1/2 cup chopped celery, 2 chopped scallions, 1 teaspoon sugar, and salt and pepper. Toss with 2 pounds boiled cubed red potatoes. Top with 6 slices cooked bacon, crumbled.
Today is one of those days where I wish life were simpler. Where I could go, buy a cabin in the middle of the wood, on a mountain and live. Start with basic supplies and from there, I would make my own (yes I'm one of those "crafty" types who knows how to make most of things we need to live.
But the dream isn't right. Not yet. But damn it opens a longing in my I can't describe.
On one hand I simply want to forget, tell myself the lies I said then.
On the other, I know there will never be resolution, so why not acknowledge and then move on.
Perhaps I will find a way of blending these too aspects of my memory. But for now they are still in conflict, leaving me with a wonder of how did it even happen?
By this I mean, the person was so incredibly flawed (we all are), and yet through that, the friendship was real. I see all these people striving to create connection, and failing. Then I see those who started with it, and have destroyed it through lack of communication. There are a few who strive to make it, and succeed because they do communicate.
Perhaps that is the true magic of it, it is doomed to fail; but finds those glorious moments of success.
So the doxies went to the vet today. Egon was able to move his butt so much it removed the needle. Little tard. He wasn't impressed when she put it in again to finish the shot, or when she did the rabies.
Winston however was a gentleman.
Until it came to the treats. Lord, that dog likes food!
End results: pups can travel now for the next year, and Winston is officially 16.2 lbs and Egon is 12.2.
Not a mini as I thought, but less than my housemate's scale!
I'm quite a bit disillusioned with the politics of the last few days, also including the Lance Armstrong aspect.
A part of me simply wishes two differing sides would talk and work together, but our state of being right now seems to dictate "either, or" and we all are loosing in this. Pity.
Today I celebrate you. How when I was little you had that extra can of olives so I could put them on my fingers and eat them. How you encouraged me to say please and thank you with cards and little "reminders" (I still rate poor on this compared to you), and most of all how you hold love and laughter as if they are simply the most precious thing we have. In the back of all my thoughts, of all my actions, I pray for the surgeon's steady hand and I send you all of my love. That is the most important thing I can do today.
What I have learned, even through the toughest of heartbreak and disappointment; is that our spirit is greater than our flesh. Instead of looking at what is impossible or what we should not do; we should focus on what allows our spirits to fully express themselves in joy, love and hope. This is how I celebrate you, today and every day.
There is a peace that comes from the chaos of doing. A sense that by taking that first step, the mountain is sooner conquered. A taste of the glory of the human spirit. Mostly a joy in having done, and the knowledge gained while trying.
"My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world." -Jack Layton
I want my puppies. Right now I'm especially missing how Egon tries to "high" five you when you let him out and he's simply too excited and he needs to choose attacking your feet, with going outside.
I just got news that my Godmother's surgery did not happen. It seems the cancer has spread too far, and would be worse if they had.
So now our only hope to give us more time is Chemo, otherwise we are in the months/days category.
Still my Godfather says "they will make something good come out of bad". So I'm right there with them. The game isn't done until it is finished. And I pray now that she is responsive to the chemo.
SO excited! Why? Because myself and the head coach had to stop a "mutiny" against her. The other athletes didn't want to have confidence in her, while the head coach (might I add Canadian Women's National Team Coach for his "primary job) and I wanted her to do something very difficult.
It came down to she and I talking. I asked flat out: "Do you not think you can do this?"
"No, but the other girls..."
"That wasn't my question. Do you not think you can do this? Because if you don't think you can, we need to change. I know you can."
From there it was exposed that the insecurity was because the other girls made her feel like she was "showing off" when all of her testing and data showed that she was going to excel. Not my "gut" although that too, but it was cold hard data. And it was better than a girl on the National Team.
But that one season, her teammates ruined for her (she DID have a part in it to, which was later pointed out) chances on the Canadian National Team. Fortunately, she is a dual citizen. So seeing her win for Poland, AMAZING. And she's JUST getting started folks. I'm already gleeful for my part of "I knew her when" but let me tell you, what I see with coaching eyes is extraordinary!
Ok now I'm really excited... my one girl who I did a lot of one on one training with for several years, is in the final of the world championships :D
SOOOO excited... Final is on Saturday! I'm so very nervous for her... but the coach in me saw this with her a few years ago- she actually made some choices that threatened her Olympic dream. Because of that we had a long conversation where I explained the path and what she would have to do.
Seeing her do just that and more, is AMAZING. It is what every coach hopes for. Next Olympic cycle, I think she's going to step it up even more. *SQUEE*
So tonight was the first meeting of the coaches for rowing season. I sat next to two guest coaches that are both former rowers, one of whom was one of the last gold metalists for Canada in lightweight men's rowing.
Was a really good conversation as it focused on how the different countries approach coaching the athletes, and benefits that are here in Canada that aren't in the states (LONG bits on that, and I don't want to go into the politics of it. Suffice to say US should have done better prior to these past two Olympics and there are definite reasons why they didn't and why only the 8+ seems to Gold).
But it reminded me how much I have given just to this sport alone. How close I truly was, and more importantly how and why I chose to walk away. To hear those same things mirrored by a successful Olympian, gave me an odd sense of closure and relief that "I wasn't the only one". See many people when you try to explain things, try to understand but simply can't. When you're in the moment discussion and the point is brought up and you sit up and exclaim, "YES" and then the conversation livens as you both remember and share that. You can't understand how long it's been since I've talked to someone about this, and had that.
Years.
Mostly I have tried to explain to my rowers some of the how to... but tonight reminded me of HOW IT FELT. Which gives me an introspect that I hope will help me express it to my next group of rowers. After all two of my girls faced off this last week for two different countries in the same event. Both rowed under me for three years. There is a pride seeing them at senior worlds that I can't explain.
Introspection: I can only hope that when all is said and done, my legacy left behind is not one that encourages inward hurt, but one that encourages the outward expression of hope that others benefit from simply because of my touch on their life.
This was a client who fell out of treatment, and if I am correct, it was because the cancer returned. She and I talked about how similar our lives of the past few years were with the loss of someone to cancer.
So abused. No I won't let you just "bark" when you feel like it. No you can't just lick me anymore. No you can't go potty anywhere you choose (beware the panties of shame will be waiting for us after the move).
Poor Puppies, mama's taking the fun out.
But in exchange she's adding chicken strip treats, longer walks as you learn how to be on leash, and more time in the yard to romp where you will.
What would you do if you know the cold hard truth about an individual? That you had actual proof, and lengthy conversations to back that? Yet you also knew that the person who should have, did not say anything.
That they hoped this person would behave in a more reasonable manner.
Would you let it stop you from your action? Would you view it as something to say to them? Or would you leave it with those with a long history and the same knowledge as you?
In the end, this is not my battle. You mattered to me only because you mattered to him. My reason for tolerating your asshattery is six feet in the ground. You have done more harm than good to my person, and in truth I have cut people out sooner who have done far less.
But he loved you. He hoped he could keep you for those moments when you shine. I know now that they are the illusion of you that you simply don't have the strength or the fortitude to be. Because of this, your purpose in my life is finished.
I am sorry for that. Because he truly was hurt by you, and I had hoped my first impression those years ago was wrong- for his sake. Sadly I was more accurate than I would have ever have guessed. Perhaps you and he would have "made true peace", except you refused to see him until the last 10 days. You were too wrapped up in your world, that you couldn't face his horror.
I resented you for that. I also was angry at how you attacked me. But I let that go, because I knew how much it would have hurt him. I made peace with you for that reason alone. However the past three attacks, and the last one? There will be no forgiveness for, nor will I ever forgive you for leaving him alone. The anger will smother itself out, but hurting her and his best friend? That is unforgivable. You are far better attacking me, for that I can forgive. But them? Nope. My loyalty lies with him, ALWAYS.
Because of that, I view your actions as unforgivable. Yet this is not my fight, so I sit and support those I have grown to love, and hope they make it unscathed through this lesson of you.
It was never about that was it? It is and always was about connection. That is why it can still hurt so bad. That is why the pain of the conflict. It is why you are missed.
Yet even in all this, we needed to remember more. It had to be more, in some ways a "legend". Thing is who wants to hear that? The drivel that comes out now seems to be lack luster at best. What was seems like a different lifetime.
But then I heard it, "As you wish, only I'm not rolling down the hill."
There it was, laid out- and like a comedy of errors, it keeps on going. So many alternative ways of interaction, yet what made it true was those awkward moments where the dance of word occurred and slowly the understanding was gained. Almost like there was a puzzle being worked out.
Tonight, as the breeze cools, and the dogs bark in the distance I wonder simply why it was to begin with.
It's funny how when you see things, you see them in light of where you have been. Often it's hard to remember being in that same situation and thus we forget the perception of, "wow, I was just as dumb".
This seems to happen not just here, but in all walks of life. Which is why I often wonder, if we thought less about lashing out in moments, but more about outcomes; would we behave better? The answer isn't introspecting so much that we lead to inaction, but it isn't about acting either.
Some where in the middle we find both purpose and awareness.
Well I found out why it was so hard to get a hold of one of the committee members. This is a case of you SHOULD have told me sooner so I could do something about it. See, the poker run had the opposite effect for her; it brought the memory right to the first and last thing she thought of everyday.
:-/
Not a good thing. She went through more than most with this ordeal. It is also why she was so passionate to make certain it happened. Sad part is, she had a migraine the entire day of the run. Still she too was happy with what we did. Now don't get me wrong, we are happy, but in truth had we done it the way we wanted to, it would have been easily double what we made.
Yet we did it the way we did it, knowing that this would most likely happen. It's a case of "people suck" but you move on wards and upwards. I'm still mulling over the changes I want. I have a really good idea of the direction- but over all I still have the work to "finish" this year. Plus I'm still trying to push T-shirts! LOL I think I can at least sell another 10. which would be awesome. As that would be another 200 to the charity.
All the little strings, they all lie in a pile... now to make them into a bow :)
A funny thing was brought up today in going over some of the things happening. It was brought up how one of us is considered the quiet strong one, while I'm considered the loud strong one.
Yet the truth is, I prefer behind the scenes. Yes I'm loud- but only if I truly know people I'm around. If you saw me in a crowd of people I don't know, I would seem "snobbish" or "aloof".
Did you find a difference in perception from your hurt and their actions? Or did you assume and from there make yourself into more than what you are?
I bring these things up because after a day of so much joy, sorrow and healing; the "backlash" has happened. Only I am not angry for myself but the friends he has placed in the middle. Truly it is not about or the run, it is about others he views as primarily associated with me; when they are helpers, but not primary.
The primary ones were left in the group and now are hurting. It makes me so angry I'm shaking. But I must remember, it is not my place to act out in anger. It is my place to watch and make sure there are not those in my influence that get hurt.
I am trying to keep the focus on the aspect that we did the two things Garry so desperately wanted: We paid back what he took, and we raised enough that someone else can have the same benefit as he. What an amazing thing! There might have been entries in this journal about times where Garry got on me about the law of attraction. He was learning it. Trying to incorporate it.
I used to just live it, no questions, plenty of doubt and fear at times, but I would just "DO". So today I celebrated a job well done with friends, and spoke with those who I am concerned about. I am GRATEFUL as Garry's entire family showed (all four sisters and his dad and step-mom). This was huge. They seemed to be going through their own pieces of healing.
We found out that Garry's race number '8' was also the number his dad played football in, back in the day. His dad also shared that Garry "took" his shirts! LOL That we did well by them, is huge. One thing Garry always was trying to accomplish was a sense of making his family proud. He expressed to me that he didn't feel he had. But I think if had been able to see yesterday, he would have felt a little differently.
I truly miss my friend. But I have to let the hurt go. I have to embrace life, and the joy right here- right now. Otherwise we all will fall into the pit that holds nothing but poison.
Besides, for an ambitious first year, flying by the seat of our pants, not nearly enough time, and rain; we did great :)
over 2,000 raised today. If temp numbers are correct we were actually closer to 2300 raise. Not bad for just 3 riders ;)
Still, numbers aside it was very emotional for me to see ALL of Garry's family there. Even the sisters I had been told not to expect, they and some of the nieces and nephews were there. That, knowing some of what the back story is, was UNREAL.
I'm still in shock over a lot of what happened today.
Sadly, we may have not only made more than the primary event, I think we made it a much better time. Time will tell with what gets back to us.
Ok BED NOW.
Again, my heartfelt thank you to EVERYONE here that supported us in this. I'll say more once I process all this.
I finally figured out what the charity was not doing. They were going to our PAYPAL page and saying their page was working.
o.O
Really? OMG. BUT, now everything is fully functional. Yowza that was a pain. I don't know how many emails and then finally I called. But then again if you don't understand the tech side, much of this seems simplistic and you simply don't know what to look for.
"Gary was born when I was 18 .his mother , my sister said a few weeks after he was born and continued to remind me for years that she knew he was going to be like me and it scared her to death .my sister was wrong on a couple of counts . Though we both moved into the wind, Gary collected many more devoted friends along the way . Gary it seems took the time and comited the energy required to maintain long term friends . This is evidenced in the efforts you make with this ride and in your gratious testaments in his memory .
When Gary,s dad called to tell me he was in Calgary and wanted directions to my home I also was fighting a life threatening illness. I was unable to go to Calgary to visit. When he returned to London however we carried on a steady dialogue nearly to his passing .as we both thought we where near the end of our road we spoke I believe with a candor only possible when pride and ego and tomorrow no longer are issues. It was as the result of these talks that I was led to a life changing experience . I believe I owe my life not only to the donor and his family but to Gary for helping me with the will to endure .His example gave me the strength to continue . Gary became my inspiration . My sister always knew there was a special something between her son and her brother but I doubt that she thought it would end manifest itself in quite this way. I think by your determination to commemorate Gary in this way you show that he surely must have touched many in a one of a kind way . In reality Gary rresembled me little . To resemble anyone would have made it impossible for him to be Gary .and he was . Thank you all for remembering and honoring my nephew in the way he wanted .Thankyou for helping him continue to make a difference."
Submitted on 2012/08/05 at 11:55 pm
"I was 18 when Gary was born. His mother ,my sister told me only weeks after his birth that he was going to be just like me and it scared her to death .I did,nt pay much attention to it at the time although I suppose I should have because after all she had been there for both our births.
She was wrong in at least one respect .I never nurtured such dedicated and responsible friendships as are indicated by your willingness to remember Gary in such a meaningful and if I may in such a Gary way.
When Gord called to tell me he was in Alberta with Gary and asked for directions to my home to give me more details I also was fighting a life threatening illness and was unable to go to calgary to see him.
When he returned to London we kept in touch by phone nearly till his death .At times I would be told not to expect to much because he had been very ill recently but Id call and he was lucid and talkative and we shared as only I believe two people facing the same fate can share. What Gary and I had I can,t explain > Maybe it was,nt special to us . Perhaps it was a thing about him that Im only beginning to understand.I only know that our talks led me to a place I had never been and hope I never return from . I believe my nephew saved my life and my soul .Im still a long way from perfect and I fall short more than I care to admit ,but Im a better person thanks to Gary. His life had purpose in ways no one may know and you,his friends are giving it purpose in a way that will be known. Thankyou from Gary,s grateful Uncle Del ."
I remember some of these conversations he had, as in two that I can remember, I was in the room. One time I tried to leave, but Garry asked me to stay. I can't read either post and not be emotional. It brings back so much of the why for doing this event.
Even as other friends still criticize our choices (yet have not offered to help) this being posted, brings it all back. All the emotion, sorrow and hurt, as well as the good times.
I get it, through this journey I've been reminded of what a complete asshole Garry could be. I've also been reminded of exactly WHAT it was he was trying to change and be. These two sides of him were in conflict. It is no wonder that the friends who only saw one side, have issue with the whole of what we are doing.
More than anything this post makes me want to say out loud, in the fruitless manner so Garry can hear:
"I remember."
Now I need to find my Revel and the Ride is on its way...
So Winston FINALLY learned to take the stairs two days ago. Because of this, Egon felt left out as I would "reward" Winston by taking him next door.
Only one day of that and Egon was like "NO you no leave MEEEEEE".
Which is what I wanted.
Only now I have to deal with them running up and down the stairs whenever they hear something they want to bark at. I love training doxies not to bark.
I loved the latest Total Recall, and I have to say the girl fight in it is pretty epic.
Since my street has major construction on it, I had to move my car to my work parking lot (four blocks from my home) this evening. Since I was out and it was a beautiful night I thought I would walk to the new place to see how long the walk is. It took me twenty minutes.
And it was another 20 home, but on the way I had a guy pass me in his car, and apparently he went around the block to see if I would "go to coffee" with him. While the thought is flattering, really? You want me to get in a total stranger's car? I wish I could say this is the first time that this has happened, but it happens more frequently than I like.
What happened to small talk and seeing if I give you my number before jumping the gun? Seriously, things like this make me NEVER want to date ever again.
Oh boy, look out everyone. I am going to be emotional ALL week. I can tell already.
This am I started checking emails, only to find I needed to moderate the Poker Run site. I tried calling my mom, but she's either on her way to work or at the family beach house. Perhaps later.
Right now, I'm simply exhausted from the emotions. Good thing I slept last night, isn't it? lol.
Ok hopefully today I get to do some "Ann" things; like go to a movie, and do more packing. Tomorrow I have long list of things to do as the final preparations for Poker Run take full effect.
Here we go folks, keep your seats in the up right position and hang on!
Woo-Hoo! Today we got verbal ok for our last stop on the Poker Run. We have everything set, now it is just all the incidentals between now and then. YAY.
Lord the bad thing about firefighters, is that they do breakfast at "stupid" early. Well, not so stupid early if I'm coaching.
But for a Sunday, 8am breakfast. REALLY? *sigh* it was a good time. Anyways, plan is in effect for the weekend :) We have both men and women firefighters helping, which is great.
A better idea of how to run the stops, and well... the pieces are slowly finishing.
Now it is getting to the "wait and see" bits. *nervous*
My godmother, who is honestly my mom's best friend has pancreatic cancer.
What is worse is how far along it is, and how they found it. I know it's bad when my mom calls me hysterical in tears. If you know my mom, she simply doesn't do that, especially considering she's a nurse of 35 years.
This is bad.
She didn't even do that when my godmother's brain tumors were found 10 years ago.
I simply don't know what to do or say. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. And it is lighting the fire for next year even more so. Once this weekend goes, I will feel much more "in control" of what needs to change for next year.
But I'm also still very much in shock. I am so done with the "C" word I have no words. For me, I know it means I have to start doing. It's the only thing I can control, and frankly the only thing that makes sense.
To those around me, yesterday I was upset, but today it was back to normal. Still underlining all of this, is this "storm" of emotions and feelings that I just don't have another outlet for. Here seems to be the only "safe place" to write my thoughts out to "think them through".
But enough for tonight, I have an early am with my new landlord and planning for poker run. Hopefully the puppies wont be too mad at me for not having them with me most of the day. Tomorrow we shall see.
I don't know when, but like a co-worker who is leaving in a month, I think my departure will be swift.
Reason?
I bring in close to 5000 a month- sounds like a good living wage, right?
Well. After rent 2,000 and Visa/Debit/laundry 175 plus all my expenses; I typically have 150.00 for food and "fun". Most of which has been going to outstanding bills from before.
Granted this was a higher wage month than many, but on average I'm paying out 1,500-2000 month for rent. where I was before I was paying 500.00 for the part time that I use the room.
I should have my own space for what I'm doing as then it would be about MY business, not the group business. Don't get me wrong, where I am now was WONDERFUL especially when I hit it VERY rough during Garry's illness and after he died. My boss has been amazing, and has even helped me get out of the hole.
Only now to fully get out of it, I must walk away or I will remain in bill rotation forever. Many spaces that are the size that I need I can get for 500-1000 month, and I could set my hours exactly as I want them, plus have support staff who ONLY helps me- which ideally would make my income go up more.
It simply has to happen.
To give you an idea of my current expenses per month:
Insurance/Malpractice 300.00 (and that isn't taking into account the increase of coverage I have to do with Acupuncture becoming regulated here in the next year).
Needles/Supplies 100.00
Laundry (I do it at home as machine at work is broken, and yes I still have to pay) 65.00
Income tax: 300.00
Student Loans 300.00
Web site/updates/etc 65.00 (more this year but typically then it would go to marketing)
Internet 50.00
Cell Phone (yes it is needed for email and if I need to be contacted ASAP) 90.00
Phone 25.00
And I'm not including updating my education, travel or any personal aspect. Include my debt and you need to add another 300-400 per month.
Oh and personal not included:
Rent
Gas
Car repairs
Food
Dog care (vet)
Dog/cat food
Hydro/Gas/Water
Lawyer Fees (immigration is expensive)
So while it seems like a "good amount", I'm constantly rotating simply because when I have a "lesser" pay the average is less. For example: other months have been about 3200 month total. After expenses some months I've had less than 25.00 for food and everything else.
This is ever the issue with being self employed, the "hard times" you endure to make it, often lead to higher debt later, and thus longer till you feel "comfortable". But you never are safe.
You always have to work 2x as hard for 3/4 of the return. And that is if you are LUCKY. Most go under.
I am grateful for it all, but more importantly I see.
It is time to stand on my own. Let's see how this plays out.
So I met with Kat today for a quick update, grab her t-shirt order funds, and go from there.
As we left one of the stores (they had 11x14 frames for $6 so I grabbed 3 for poker run prizes) and headed back to the car, what did we see?
About 20 riders in the parking lot doing a charity run. Seems they get together on Wed nights for different charities to ride. Was one of those, "You got my back? K let's go talk to these boys" moments. They let us tell them about the fund, about Garry and hopefully will help us get the word out more.
Strange, these things just keep happening.
I can't help it, I'm getting SUPER excited... and even more so with the thought of planning next year. I have to admit it, god help me, but I'm really looking forward to it. Mostly because by then it won't be a "controversy" it will just be an event.
That and I came home to not only a generous donation from our very own Rat, but another volunteer dropped off a donation of 50 that she collected, Kat has another 50...
COMMENTS
-