08:56 Apr 10 2016
Times Read: 274
Talk about blowing the dust off...haven't been here in forever.
Strange that I remember just about every incident I had here. The people, the problems...
Well. I did have friends here. Not sure if they're still here, but I feel like typing. I can do that here.
I finally found a new job, after a year and nine months of unemployment. I work for a telemarketing company, doing inbound calls for Comcast services. ♥ I start taking calls Monday, I've been in a training class for the past two weeks. It's interesting, doesn't seem difficult...sells itself, honestly. They offer overtime like candy at Halloween, and according to the team leads and support staff, the bonuses from sales, revenue, and certain package sales can have me coming home with a $2000 paycheck. Base pay is $9 an hour, and they give an attendance bonus because they can't get people to do their hours, so as long as I show up on time and work my schedule, I get bumped up to $10.50 an hour. The team leads keep mentioning examples of campaigns they offer out, and one example they keep saying is "If you work 5 hours over your regular schedule you get $2 on top of your base pay, 10 hours is another $2 on top of that, and for 20 hours overtime they give you usually anywhere from $100 to $400 on top of your check, including the additional money on your base pay". Better than the job I had, that's for sure.
When I was 18, I was talking to someone on here, who had "intended" to come see me. Turned out they were about as real as the Harry Potter stories, but that's not the point. At that time, I came out to my parents as bisexual, which went up in flames. I didn't confide in my parents after that, hiding any thoughts I had from them, and anyone that I felt might come into contact with them. If they flipped out about me not caring about gender when I date someone, I was convinced the transgender thoughts I was having would be out of the question, right? Nothing worse than your son liking men than him wanting to be a her, obviously.
The fact that I couldn't tell them had me pretty depressed. The therapist I saw wrote me in with "mild depression", and I saw her for awhile...still do, actually. Unfortunately my depression had me sitting in bed all day sleeping, and I skipped a few sessions, but I eventually went through a few things, met someone who supports me, and I went back to see my therapist. I'm currently in a...eh, a complicated situation with a guy named Ray. Very sweet, kind of a smart ass...but most importantly supportive.
The complication stems from a mistake I made last November, where I met someone through a dating app in my area. I fell for a guilt trip (as lame as it sounds). A guy having a hard time, not making enough money to make it by with his job, feeling a little suicidal...I thought well, maybe since we're both depressed meeting won't hurt. Drove over to his house one night, about an hour away from my house...and I guess my "no" was me being nervous to him, because he didn't stop when I told him to. Drove home as quick as I could, got sick, and had to block his number the next morning. Got a message on Facebook saying I "took what I wanted and left", and that I was "the same as all those other assholes". Yeah...I had a colonoscopy scheduled later that month. I totally asked for someone to have sex with me after telling them it was out of the question. So...with that I've got some internal stuff to deal with. I get really bad anxiety when I think of being with anyone physically, I feel sick to my stomach...not good. Ray says he understands but I hate it still, it doesn't feel right.
Sometime in January or February I decided to tell my cousin everything. The same cousin that was living with us a year or two back that drove me up the wall with anger and annoyance. Told him I was into men. Told him what happened with the guy I went to see. Told him about Ray. Told him about the gender issue. In that night he started calling me by the name I've chosen. Last month, mom and dad found out about my therapy, at least that I was seeing a therapist. Not long after that, mom guessed I wanted to be a girl. The same mom that told me if I went to see a guy I wasn't allowed to come back home, did a complete 180 and now supports me. My dad still thinks I'm being selfish, worrying that his work will find out through his insurance what I want to do (even though we've told him they can't). Mom gave the total kickass response that regardless of what I decide to do, she will be with me, with or without my dad. I wish she'd been like this 4 years ago...but I'm not complaining.
What with finding a job and having parental support, and an appointment scheduled with someone I'm hoping is a gender therapist (the listing online came up in result of gender therapy but I haven't met the lady yet), my depression has evaporated. I don't feel the tiny panic attacks anymore, I don't have little teary fits...I feel pretty damn good, actually. Anxiety still needs to fuck off, but all things considered I'm in a much better situation than I could be.
My situation with my gender is simple, in my mind. I'm gender fluid, in that I don't care that I'm a guy who gets called a girl on the phone or even girly in public. However, knowing people hear a woman when they talk to me on the phone, being called "ma'am" and all the other female pronouns, it makes me smile. I'm happy with it. I WANT it. I'm ok being a guy...I don't deny what I am. But if I have the choice, and odds are looking like I do, I will be a girl.
I write all of this mainly for the benefit of getting my thoughts out...but I could just type up a notepad document if I ONLY wanted that. No, I write it here because there are a couple of people in particular I hope might still use this site...and since they won't speak to me, I'll just put this here where they can see it. I'm not sure what the latest news is in Maryland, but I hope the weather is nice. ♥
I have yet to start transitioning offline, but online, I go by Claire. My friends here have said it a few times and it doesn't fail to make me smile, being called that. So with this I'm off again, for however long. Whoever reads this, if you find yourself in a bind and it doesn't feel like anything will work out, I promise it will. I was CONSTANTLY told it would get better and I didn't believe it, every time they said it. But it really does, even if it is indirectly. ♥
...
Oh.
And Jester is still alive. Still love that dog with a probably unhealthy passion.
Buh-bye now. ♥ ♥ ♥
COMMENTS
-
TheLovelyTemptress
20:25 Jan 12 2017
Glad that your family has started to come around after all these years.