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Sometimes it fills like I wait and wait and wait. But know what sometimes I wonder if it is a lost cause. I have hope and I hope the best but then too must always prepare for the worst of all too. Hours have past and still no reply so I have no damn idea what the hell is up now. I know I should be calm and wait but then too it is soo hard sometimes when ya need someone to talk to and yet no damn body is there. Oh well I can just harbor everything up like usual and let everything pass like normal lol.



Anyhoo off the fact I am Impationt as hell. All else has been good today. Uber silent other than the few lil fits lil man has sent my way. Oh well perfect time for a nap while lil man is taking one lol.

COMMENTS

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Angelus
02:26 Sep 12 2012

many feel the same.

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Yup I have been trying to finish up some of the stories I have started on here. I know it has been a while sence I have added a chapter but I have been trying to make them as awesome as possible all considering I have fallen behind on everything lol. I have so many good ideas now to just get them typed out onto here lol. Also thinking bout getting some more pics and all that jazz. It is just so hard to pick the good ones out of the hundreds of them lol. I know I ant wrote much this time but I am kinda under brain block lol

Okays so like everything is going good so far. It is like starting out being one of them days where ya want to just go find a corner but know ya can't. Sometimes though the lack of sleep makes ya kinda slap happy where everything is freakin funny as hell and ya just ant got no energy. Basically waiting on a text to know what the hell is going down this weekend if anything. I hope we do get to go out but even if not I know I get to tomorrow. We are taking lil man to the parade and all that jazz. It is gonna be so awesome to see his expression when he sees all the big trucks and race cars and so on and so firth. But then too I wonder is he gonna put his race car in the parade and all that. Hmmm I hate the waiting game. It is so hard sometimes sitting here playing the waiting game lol. I know I need to be more patient but that is like harder then hell to do for someone like me. Its like hell sitting still for long lol. Yup anyhoo killing time here lol. So yea this may turn random as hell but who cares lol. I am sitting here watching Dog the Bounty Hunter reruns and listening to lil man play in his bouncy which is soo cute by the way. I have no clue what to do today other than hang on here a bit and feed lil man and all that fun stuff. Yuuuuup I am bored lol. But then too when he gets good and awake that will change lol. But it is well worth it in the end lol. So now time for some music give something to do lol. Maybe grab a dew and chill out for the day well unntil snack time lol. Yayz Caramelledansen lol. Yup here comes the randomness lol. I will add some more later when I have some more news before this post becomes so random that it braked the randomness metor lol.

Yup I am soo back...Finally I am having awesome days again and less of hating myself for all my mistakes. It is hard to exsplain really. It is like my life is getting back in balance again. Everything is going as it should. Though I dread sertain things in September but then too I will hit it head on like a big ass train lol.

Yup so far so good. I am thinking bout giving this guy I have been talking to a try. I am hoping that it will work. Even though at times I wonder with the age difference and all will it last or will I be diapointed in the end yet again. I guess only time will tell the truth of the matter. I have him on a trail basis right now. One screwup on the cheating level or one time raising a hand to me and all hell will break loose. But that will be saved in the act of cheating then I will loose my damn cool bigtime. I have like rules and regulations that must be followed. These rules are as followed.

1) Cheating is unexseptable

2) They must keep a job

3) They go getting controling there ass is booted

4) Must be good to me and my son

5) Must respect my wishes of I ant wanting no more babies right now.

6) Must also get along with my family

7) Must follow all my damn rules



All who break my 7 rules while with me will be kicked to the damn curve and count me as the one who got away. I know my rules are strict and may sound a lil bitchy but this is how it is. I have got to be more picky with me now being a mom. My wild days are over. I may not have done drugs or get drunk but I have done things I ant proud of but I do know what I did and who with lol.

COMMENTS

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Lullaby
05:26 Aug 30 2012

# 1, 2 and 3 are my more important standards, too.

I could handle someone who is "in between jobs", as long as it's not that permanent excuse for being unemployed. I refuse to financially support a man for longer than absolutely needed.

I also won't stand for a man trying to dictate what I do or how I live. With that said, I do know good advice when I hear it - but there's a difference between advice and orders.

And as for cheating... I don't have a second-chance with that at all. You cheat, then you can fuck off, on the same day I find out.

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Caramelledansen by Caramelle



Do, do doo.

Yeah yeah yeah yeah



Women are you ready to join us now

Hands in the air we will show you how

Come and try

Caramell will be your guide

Come and move your hips sing

Oh-wa-ah-ah

Look at your two clips do it

La la la

You and me can sing this melody

Oa-oa-a



Dance to the beat wave your hands together

Come feel the heat forever and forever

Listen and learn it is time for prancing

Now we are here with Caramelldansen



O-o-o-oa-oa

O-o-o-oa-oa-a...



O-o-o-oa-oa

O-o-o-oa-oa-a...



From Sweden to UK we will bring our song

Australia, USA people of Hong Kong

They have heard this means it's all around the world



Oh-oa-oa

So come and move your hips sing

Oh-ah-ah-ah

Look at your to clips do it

La la la

You and me can sing this melody



So come Dance to the beat wave your hands together

Come feel the heat forever and forever

Listen and learn it is time for prancing

Now we are here with Caramelldansen



Dance to the beat wave your hands together

Come feel the heat forever and forever

Listen and learn it is time for prancing

Now we are here with Caramelldansen



O-o-o-oa-oa

O-o-o-oa-oa-a...



O-o-o-oa-oa

O-o-o-oa-oa-a...



Dance to the beat wave your hands together

Come feel the heat forever and forever

Listen and learn it is time for prancing

Now we are here with Caramelldansen



Dance to the beat wave your hands together

Come feel the heat forever and forever

Listen and learn it is time for prancing

Now we are here with Caramelldansen

It is offical I fill horrible today. My back is killing me and my head is a spaltting. Oh well time to do some more working out to get my tone back again. Though I know my weight ant a issue but I need to do something. Well try anything to get my back to chill out lol

Hmmmm I am trying to make a new poem and yet I am having major brain block over here. It is too the point that I am having trouble even getting one part of the new works I want to do. I guess all the drama going down and my worring about what will happen next month. Sometimes I wish my ex's would keep there asses in the past and let me live in peace. But I don't see that happening anytime soon either. Hmmm I think I have a plain I now have something to work with. Go figure venting would help yayz

Okays so looking back on BOS I saw so many different things I have done and learned. Who knew I had so many different things in it. I can't menchion some but with the experiences carefully documented I can see where some things went wrong. Hmmm I am thinking of how to fix them so that I can have some good outcomes in there lol. Sometimes it is soo hard to keep track of everything I know and learn.

Okays this is rediculous. I know I have done nothing wronge and yet he wont even talk to me tonight. It ant my falt he was having some sucky ass luck now is it. I mean good goddess when was it ever my falt that some of my ex's luck has turned bad and basically any guy I see in that fact. it is just a range of bad luck nothing to do with me. Oh well still I wonder when he will find out I believe in things a lil different than him. Oh well guess he will learn soon enough if it lasts that long.



I think what killed this one is when he asked did I want anymore kids and I told him bout my 5 year IUD. Oh well truth is truth it is soo hard with all the exspences and then add one to two more that would make it uber hard. Then with my luck be a single mom to more than one no way. So to that question not currently but maybe someday. But make that a big ass maybe.



Oh well why the hell do I care. The whole saying more fish in the sea still applies here too. I am giving a chance and a benifit of the doubt that all of this shit is bad luck. But if it keeps up I am moving on and adding another to the ex files lol. I can only take so much before I say the hell with it. Sometimes I wonder though am I too lenate with them or what.



It is soo hard thinking I am trying and yet for what damn good. This is soo not getting any easier what so ever. But I guess I just have to get amune to it and go on with life.

Finally climbing up the chain. I have been trying to make it to sire still. I need to get some more in my mentorship. Anyhoo today is going well so far. But hopefully everything will be all better tonight when he gets on. Though who the hell knows. All I know is I can hope. But if all else fails then they are more out there. I sware to not get an emotional attachment again or at least until more than 4 years have passed then I might consider getting an emotional attachment again. But not a moment before then. I can just try and fail or not lol. I can't do no more than that.



But then too sometimes it is hard not too. But then too all I have to do is think back to my last asshole. Remembering what happend sometimes is soo painful but then too it helps not to make the same mistake again. Though at times I fill like I might make some of the same mistakes. But then too I try to remember all the reasons I made my new rules. Looking at my son makes me remember them all too well.



But then too it is hard to keep up with them all lol. But main goal is to change the way I think so I don't end up raising more lil ones by myself. I know I think so negative sometimes but could anyone blame me after what all has happened. But then too some say I am way over thinking things. But question is do I. I mean I am raising one very special lil man so do I really need a freakin repeat.

Okays so yea I am plaining a special Birthday party and only have 4 months to get it plained in. I can not have a single flaw in this one though. Being that in 4 short months my son will be 1 I have to plain this one as perfect as I can. So far determined on a Mickey Mouse party for him. Thank goodness we have some of the decrations already. Cause it fills like these months are passing by so fast that I am loosing my mind. I know i still have 4 months before december but this is important enough to be thoughly plained.

Okays so if ya ant figured out that is what I go by on youtube. I have 3 movies and looking up the materials for my fourth. I have been plaining this one for a while to the point I have bout even got the timeing and the length and how many pics I need bout down pat to fix it up and make it awesome. it is so hard to plain everything to make it perfect.

Okays so not all went as plained last night. I tried to make everyone happy ant yet failed something misrable. Ant herd nuttin yet. But I am hoping everything is still cool. But something is telling me the more I try the more distent he gets. Oh well I am trying that is all that counts.

Have ya ever had one of them days when someone ya care about is having the most fucked up bad luck and they ant a damn thing ya can do about it. So far tonight that is me up one side down the other. I am trying so hard to cheer him up and so far not to any good have I done. So far he is like having so much sucky luck. Right down to almost loosing his job. Sometimes I sit and ask myself why go I always try to be like the freakin therapist but then too I have saved a few of my friends by being like one too.



It makes me fill oh so bad when I care bout someone and know I can't do nuttin to help them. I can try to use my talents to talk to them and try to cheer them up. But so far this time my tacktics ant workin at all. I am running out of idea to say to cheer him up. And I am soo trying to not make same mistakes no matter what the cost.



Damn I just wish they were something I could do or say to get mr. gloomy back to usual jokey self again. Cause the silence is killing me and makes me thing it is my falt for some odd reason. But then too everyone I get close to like that gets bad luck reason I got the nickname jenxy. And so far that ant changing yet damn.

I despise texting exspecally when the one who told me too wont even reply back now that I did. This is starting to suck ass and make me think. WTF is he really doing anyways. I mean back luck I let that slide twice. But now telling me to text and not text back that is haunistly bullshit. I mean I am waisting my time with the text feature on yahoo if he ant gonna answer tonight. Hopefully I am just overthinking everything again. But am I wrong to wonder when I have been screwed over 4 times before already and the things I thought was nothing turned out to be something bad on my side. I can only hope. But that is it. Sometimes I think I am way too damn trusting that everyone is telling the truth. When in reality it could be a bald face lie.

Hmmm sitting here wondering why do I always think so many moves ahead of where I am. I know it is a chess stradagy but I use it in life as well. Even though sometimes things take a turn I would have not of thought of. But then too I try to plain my life in my head and all that jazz too. From how my life is to how I hope it goes to where it is going. But then too sometimes this is a good thing. But then too sometimes it sucks.



One thing I never thought of though what if he takes my simple jokes and fun the wrong way and things happen like they did before to me. Now that would suck in a way. But then too I done and said I don't want another kid now but later way later I might think bout it. But not no time before this one is out of diapers and all that jazz. It is hard enough raising one I could just imagine more. I would have no hair left lol.

Yup as the title subjests I am bored to death. Lil man is in a nap and it is soo silent. But then too I kinda like the small break. Even though I know it wont last long. I know one more thing too I am soo not fending for anyone again. Call as will do whatever. I am not fighting no more with no one. The only fighting I will ever do is for my son. Legally of corse. Anyhoo I have finally made it almost over half way to sire which is soo awesome after all the work I have put in as I can. From the constant rates to the hitting up of the love me please thread. But good thing is finally I have filled my mentorship for now. I am hoping to someday get everything together to make a coven but I am soo not rushing that. I am just gonna chill where I am till I get everything together and all that shit. But then too I might stay there too. IDK yet I am still working out all my plains.

okay so it is offical I am loosing my mind. More like my emotions are sure taking over. It is hard to exsplain why I fill this. It is like what the hell. but then too the thought was not my falt this time. I mean friday is only like one day away and yet now i am nervious as hell. Damn my own hatred for myself well the way I look. Oh well wtf my uglyness ant scared him off yet lol. But after some random change of converstation I am now wondering why the hell I always bring on this type of action damn my looks and mind. I hate the way I look but others think I am a priceless porceline doll. But I just don't see it. How why did that random subject have to come up. I can not afford another child. I am lucky my parents help me with the one I have. This is like wacked up as hell. I guess the she-wolf never dies it just took a small break. This is what my life holds I guess. But for once I am gonna use my head and not my damn emotions. Emotions is what landed me a single mom which I love even though it was a surprise. My emotions is also what gave me a marrage that was doomed from the damn get go. So for once wish me luck that I use my mind and not my emotions. This is gonna be a challange but I am gonna face it head on and make the right choice this time. I am not gonna have a damn repeat of the past. More like I refuse to. Sorry folks for adding my problems on here but need to vent them somewhere before I have meltdown again. So here is where I stand. I am seeing a man who wants kids and me I just want to raise the lil one I have right now before I ever think of it again or unless it lasts for a couple years then I might say what the hell. But haunistly I ant that much of a fan of diapers to want another one right now. The memories of birth still in my head so hell no I really don't want to have another one. Reason I am on birth control as well so no matter what I have a chance it not happening again know. But then too this is only date two so I ant got no worries right? Even if I do I am good at saying no anymore so whatever like me or not I don't care anymore. I have had so much on my mind lately my give a damn button got crushed somewhere between all this shit I am living through. Sometimes it hurts to think about the on coming event. But I will not tell that here if ya want to know message me and I will tell but no other way. Things is getting very hyptic over here and I am stuck in the middle of it all. Sometimes I wonder. Was I right tonight when he said he wanted kids and all that someday and I sprung that I have the 5 year IUD? Hope that wasn't like a wtf moment too bad but it is true. I am making sure if them damn things break again on me I am not gonna get another one. Oh well the way times are anyway it would be hard as hell to raise two. I would if I had too but if I can prevent it by hell I am gonna do it. Even if I have to refuse till I am in the ground. lol

Yup so I am back to my old shit again. You would think I have learned my damn lesson with the last 3 and the surprise of my son. But maybe I wont maybe I have cause ant done nuttin yet. But I am getting the attachment again and I know what happens when I do. Maybe I can hide that side of my mind and turn off my thinking. But then too I am so easy to be judged so damn it. Hmmmm maybe I can put my shedevilness on cold storage for a while longer. Or so I hope. Damn my presence it gets me in trouble. Yet I hear so many want to be like me. it ant all fun and games trust me it is sometimes a bitch. oh well might as well say feeding time again. Even if just emotions I need to feed on the adrnaline rush. But then too secrete me will have to come back. Sometimes this life is such a ass but I live it with pride. I am such a crazy ass dumbie for even thinking like this. Or am I? Sometimes I ask why my mind loves to wonder about things that need not happen. But it does so there. I know I am a nut for letting my mind wonder and stupid emotions take over other than common sense and my own damn street smarts. I just don't understand why the hell this has to happen to me when I get like uber close to a awesome guy. Sometimes I wonder is it my mind or me that causes most to go there. But I guess I will know if I am in control of my own thoughts or if my stupid emotions take over again. I hope I can learn to control my emotions then maybe I would have less fisical and mental wounds. But then too I just hope I learn and fast. So that my son will be the last for a long time. God damn it there my mind lets emotions go overflow again. Grrrrs I will master this. Even if I have to think endurance to keep my emotions under control.

Yea I am like what the hell most times. Some of my friends constantly bitch on facebook they fill fat and all that. But I sware to god they are so damn thin. Like one of my friends She is pregnant and due in december but she is soo tiny and has no gut what so ever. but she thinks she is fat. I am bigger in the gut then she is. Then they are some that complain about what others post. Or adding some pic sayings to there walls. It is my wall I post what the hell I want just like everyone else. Most complain bout how I do things and the fact I like to play the games on there but then they complain I send too many requests and yet they do the same. Why must everyone bitch bout what I do on there when they do the damn same. Oh well it is critaium in the most I guess. But sometimes is anoying as hell. Or they are always saying one thing on the stream and another in a message. Sometimes I wonder what the hell.

Okays subtract the odd stares we got I had a awesome day yesterday. Well didn't do much but then too ant much to do in this lil town it is well dead lol. But it was fun anyhoo. I am sooo hoping things work out between us. But who knows what the future holds. But the most important he didn't mind me having a baby which is a bonus. And was kind and not in the game for one detail. it was awesome needlessly to say. But it was and for once I felt like more than just a trophy doll to be shown off but not cared bout. I know I ant wrote much but in so many ways words can not describe or give justice.

Okays so yea I had a awesome day. Finally might have found a nice guy. I know today was awesome now to see if it stays awesome or what lol. But as of first impressions this was awesome.

Okays so yea there is this new guy who is soo awesome. He may be 10 years older than me but is soo kind and sweet. Even excepts me knowing I am a mom and asks bout lil man all the time. He is such a sweetie. maybe this will happen but who knows. I know that we are going out for the first time on sunday and it is gonna be awesome I hope. As you can tell I am kinda excited now if I knew how things will work out but hoping for the best know.

Okays so yea still single oh well got all I need. It is like I say though between which sippy, food, and diaper do I ever get time to date or go out to hang with friends. It can be hard to always hear that they are all out having fun but no one invites me to anything. Most think I am a no one now and most think I am something bad where I am a single mom. Exspecally after most found out I was already 3 months pregnant when I was married. But then too I know know more that I wish I would have then. Sometimes I wish I could go back and stop myself from marring him or even telling him I was pregnant. Then I would not be in the mess I am in now. But then too I think it is this exsperience that has delayed me from finding another. I mean I fear it will all happen again and now it ant just me in the fire if I skew up know. I mean am I right to fear that this shit will all happen again. I am actually too afraid to leave my safe place to trust anyone else again. I am mother to one on my own with the only help currently is from my family. I don't need to be the mother of one or two if twins and in this situation along with lil man. I know I think way too much on the negative and hardly ever seeing the positive. But then too maybe someday I will find someone that would make a kick ass daddy to my son. And an even better man to me then I have ever had. But anymore I am starting to think that it is near close impossible. But I know if I be patient and wait I will find him or he will find me. I just hope for the best and wait for it to happen. Sometimes it is hard to hear of everyone elses luck knowing I am not in the same vote as any of them. But then too this was all my own falt. I know it is even though everyone says it ant. I mean I have so far put 0 effert in that field and all that jazz. oh well I know my luck will change someday but who knows when that someday will be. It may be soon it may be far but I don't care I will wait for it to happen. :)

OMFG of all the people in the world why did he have to be the father. Well here is the jist turns out my ex husband is the father and he swore he would do anything to get me back. I fear now he will use my son to do that. I hope not but then too they do not play fair so neither will I. I will pull out all the dirt I know to keep things in the level and not in the WTF sector. Even though this might be a bit of a challenge to accomplish but I will find a way to manage. But who knows. Maybe someday they will just leave me the hell alone or something know. Sometimes it makes me wonder what the hell was I thinking. This is turning into some real drama and I wish it wan't but it is. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and stop my damn self from marring him I would have still had my son minus all the damn drama. I must have lost my mind then or more or less was not thinking at all. Out of everything I have done that is so far the only regreat I have in this life.

Yayz finally some new music I am sooo hypted. Finally got them downloaded and plaining my new video for youtube. I have 3 but need more something bad. I wish I had some more ideas but I am sure something will come to mind someday when I get the time to even think. But that may take a while. Or until naptime lol. Finally though he has reached 8 months and soon 1 year lol. Yayz for my lil big boy lol. Anyhoo I can't wait to get my porcilin doll colection out for display yayz. I am like uber happy today everything is going good. Other than lil man trying to take the computer and jump off the couch and all that fun jazz lol. But it is way too cute for words watching him grow. Even though sometimes he can be mean as hell. But love em anyhoo. Just don't exspect me to have anymore anytime soon lol. One is way plently for me lol. But then too they are so much fun though stronge as ever mean and rotten. But it is all worth it in the end. I know I speak more bout him than anything but he is my life and loves that lil man bunches. Though until I know somethings that has been sent off I will be like a nervious reck and hope for the best. Oh well at least we are happy weather or not he has a father or not. A true father is one who raises them not the one who help make them. Oh well this is one hell of an adventure on it's on.

Okays so yea it is the time of year that I like most. Not only cause my birthday is next month but if will start to cool down soon and I can't wait. I know most love it hot but me I like to breath too lol. Anyhoo and I know if all goes as plained I have a vacation next year too and from the way mom has it plained everyone including lil man will have a lot of fun. So yea I have a lot of reasons to want this and then too I know I have a birthday party to plain for december as well. most important one lil mans forst birthday yayz.

So yea this is like a happy joy joy moment. Apparently the x-rays on the babies head ant shown up nuttin sence I ant got the call yet. I am so glad it ant funny. Now if only an AOG happens and the DNA shows up not the father then life would be perfect again and harmony brought back. But then too I could not be that lucky. I guess I will see in two weeks. Even better good news come sunday he will be 8 months old damn where does the time go. It don't seem like that long has already passed and I am soo not ready for december which is right around the cornner. Hmmm I wonder with all the wrighting and all if I can ever finish or think of a good story to put on here. Sometimes the brainblock thing gets me out of wack or if I wait too long and forget my awsome Idea lol. But that is my life lol.

Who knew being off a site for so long would confuse the fuck out of ya. Yea today is the first day in a while that I have been on MJS and I am lost all over again. Finally refigureing it out yet again. I have missed so much awesome stuff and all that jazz. It is like a pain in the ass to try to change the avitar over there and everything. use to I could do that without a second thought now it is like wtf. Damn sometimes I think i forget things way too damn easy. I know I am in kinda bitchy mood right now. I am missing seeing my haters picture in the jail file and all that. But that is the good news after all these years carma kicks the ho in da ass holla.