The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

S o I am in newport hospital still on the behavioral health unit. I am depressed, it goes up and down, but I had a great thanksgiving with chris anne marie uncle ray jason dana and a new friend Jerry I met here who is homeless with no family and we all had a great time. But my mood is out of control as is my hormones so im sure my period is around the corner. I am a mixed mess. But we had a good group go tlil time online then had massages. Good luck to me. I overdosed sunday after an argument with charles that ended our relationship completely. He was a jerk an dmean and I ws too but he went too far. He was mean when he came t visit "filled with animosity and hatred for you, it was the ultimate decei and betrayal" when I overdosed almost dying. G2G

Days and nights are long here. I keep busy with my books and new friend jerry. He has had a huge positive effect on my time here and I believe he feels the same. We pass notes and its keeps smiles on our faces. He has mistrust and I understand, he has doubt I will be with Charles again. I believe I must be strong and not be with charles for my own safety. He didnt put the pills I took in my hand but his words made me go for the bottle. I dont blame him for the overdose just know he had his place that helped alng. Jerry and I are friends and I dont want to hurt the friendship we can have by moving too fast. Charlse and I already agreed to not have lovers sleep over. Out of respect for eachother. But since charles has gotten over his anger and feelings he thinks we are ok but hes dead wrong. My emotions are more and more negative and hateful towards him. I havent gotten over his words, my thoughts dwell on his selfishness. He's not going to be with anyone else soon. I believe but I dont know what the future holds for anyone. Day by day. Nights I tell myself im strong beautiful intelligent an more, I just dont feel that way while depressed. I am growing up. I am changing. I want to be okay. I will be because I can be. I hope. I believe in myself. G2G

| Unfortunately I am trapped in the hospital again after overdosing on my meds, trazedone, desyrel, same thing, prescribed sleeping medication. I took over sixty pills at 50mg a piece. I am lucky and thankful to be alive and be able to still function properly. I do a lot of damage to my brain with my overdosing. I was found almost unconscious laying in the grass in front of a tiny market close to my recent apartment. The girl that asked me if I was okay is the girl whose moving and charles and I are moving in to the apartment she is moving out of, she asked if I was ok I said "no somethings wrong please call an ambulance." I was to unfocused to call 911 so she did. I dont remember being put in the ambulaance or mmuch but being in the er and waiting for my mommy. I was happy to have her there. The doctor wouldnt permit me to see Charles since our argument ended with my overdose. We are no longer in a relationship but living to gether, in a new place. He is moving everything, packed everything etc. So I must learn patience adn positivity etc to make us work, I must behave adn not degrade him or disrespect him with namecallings and demand things. Today was a better day. I had a 2 hour pass from the hospital to find out charles was doing all the work with jew's help. I have been here since sunday (emergency room 11am-7pm) then tower 8 behavioral health unit from 7pm til now. I had a great day and a great pass so im looking forward to discharge Friday or Saturday since Saturday is the day we can move into our new apartment. We are living together but not as a couple right now. I believe due to therapy today and me admitting to pushing him verbally over and over until he pushes back and I play victim adn make him pose for being the bad guy. I admitted it to myself in therapy admitting it the group and called him adn told him and he said it made him feel very good that I was sincere about it. I said I admitted it but now I need to change it and I need his help. LLife goes on. I am alive







HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE

I t all started with my sister getting back in her abusive relationship. She asked for my help so after her bf beat her black and blue while I was asleep I stabbed him. I was arrested after calling the police and telling them what happened. He was sent to RI hospital and released in which a warrant was put out after his hospital release. So I walked in on him at my oldest sister's house when she asked me to babysit. I went hysterical. I fear for my nieces' lives, one who is his 11 months old with seizures and the other not his 8 yrs old. I admitted myself to the behavioral health unit of a hospital close to home and was released Tues in hope of receiving a friends money to go visit him elsewhere out of state not seeing him in 5 years. My family and close friends are not supportive or helpful in any way. NO decision is good enough or right or okay. I have no control over any situation now and because no situations around me are getting worked on or fixed is driving me closer to suicide. I want to take all my restoril and not wake up. I feel helpless, an hopeless. I moved out of my mommy's house to my 35yr old man's house 5 minutes apart and don't know if i made the right choice but don't know if want to move back. I refuse to clean up after my man's 18yr old son and his 18yr old pregnant girlfriend. So the house (KITCHEN) is disgusting with gnats and smelling and food out (left out for days at a a time) And I am sick sad and miserable. I feel I should be in the hospital still but the doctor there is a jerk and idiot. LITERALLY. I want to kill myself. I don't know what else to do. No one is helping. My mom must let my 8yr old niece go back to her home filled with domestic abuse violence and chaos. I feel my nieces lives are in danger and I cant do anything but wait and wait. I have no reason to be here. I am a failure at everything and have not been able to reach any goal the only one so far in my life is my high school diploma. I am lost and I want to kill myself....To make things worse I have depression and borderline personality disorder, I also have ocd with cleaning and writing...WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE ??? Can I survive these emotions in me???



I 've had a long day. I spent the day with my mom in town and this is what happened. I have a goddaughter, Dolly, soon to be four and is in the middle of an ugly custody battle. Her parents are separated with lovers and are not nice or mature towards eachother ever. I saw both parents separately today (they had court) the father on recess and the mother afterward. I saw the mother's paperwork today on the child's mental health situation. So I am deeply confused on who the child should be with, who is the better parent behind closed doors, I dont know and I fear for the child's mental health through the chaos of the parents towards eachother. Recently the father accused the mothers bf of child molestation. I have chosen to stay out of the battle due to my own court complications and life complications. But I know these charges to be false and words planted in the child's mind. I am at a point in the battle where the child must endure a rape kit at a childrens hospital. UGH! Dolly is beautiful and smart with a speech defect. The parents are choosing separate paths for the child's schooling and health and everything and anything to fight about over the child they do. I have been friends with the father about 8 yrs now and the mother about 5 yrs. But they were not always my friends or nice to me. When I was a teenager they mentally abused me and I have not forgotten, NOW the child is being mentally abused by both parents on words and thoughts drilled in to her little brain. I don't know what to do now, I feel the child would be no better off in state custody than with either parnet without the other. THIS IS CHAOTIC and I am someone probably the only one that knows the truth to both sides from the past. I can not state the mother's behaviour or lifestyle in the present and the father I can say so much but the whole tihng has caused great confusion to me and I feel the child is in danger of her mental state. Wow what a day...

S o I am out the hospital and feel out of the loop with reality. My man and I are lost, he stinks, his house is a mess, and there is no food in the house, I couldnt even find scraps for my mouse (in snakes cage, will eat tomo maybe) but that says empty. HE complains about everything and "someone walked in adn tried to steal Brutus(bull mastiff)" I dont believe him, i think he is nuts, but the collar is gone, maybe somethings are true but you dont know with him. He let the dog chew up this huge stuffed Bart adn hasnt cleaned the mess in days or any other messes and the heat is still off, he is not showering at all, or washin glaundry, ive been doing my clothes and have to rewash wahser and dryer cause it sits in it all night. YUCKY MAN! So our relationship is different now, ive moved in with my uncle who doesnt run out until the end of month like now(foodstamps thurs) and we go to bed at 9-10 and up at 8. It doesnt bother me ive got day therapy at the hosp mon-fri 9am-2pm which keeps me occupied during the day and feed me lunch and snakcs and talk about life adn we understand eachother. SO i feel like a luney and not a real regular person. Time will tell. Jobcorps is on the list as soon as spanish 2 and court is over. I wish my future luck and success I have to get my self there...My uncle is there but holiday depression gets him out of control so I must keep his emotions in check for himself and my own cuz he can snap and throw me out but might be able to get throguh it together...And my financial plan is mine for me and uncle ray but me my snake and my bills, no one elses...I stay with my man now cause my stuff is there adn safe, but im not seeing anyone else but uncle ray so no worries...



W e love eachother,hate eachother,confide in each other and in the end we only got eachother. My oldest sister 31 just moved to Portsmoth. So we are no longer a 5 minute walk to her house. My momis also considering moving to Portsmouth adnits just ironic how it all happens.Momworks close to my home though. Looks like my stabbing sisters scum may end up as mistrial, cant find him and sis ewont cooperate with anyone to help me. Home is great, my home with my pets. He's been staying at his sister's cuz shes in hospital, psychiatrist is trying to medicate her and its bullshit. So he's been taking care of his nephew. Dreams are funny. No sense but hormoal influence. Mom rushing me and charles is home now for awhile so leaving library. But update with home court and family.Brutus our dog got a urinary tract infectionfromnot being letout topee when needed and is onmeds also his moms fault when charles left brutus there with his mom.





I am not pregnant, I just didnt eat breakfast. But I cut my hair short and painted my nailed different bright colors. I am confused abotu life, about my life, adn myself. I know what I have to do but not much motivation. I started my Denise Austin workout dvds to lose weight they are awesome but motivating spanish gets harder adn harder daily. I go day by day through my life confused. I am happy at home with my love Charles and my pets, I called my goddaughter Kaitlyn today I havent talked to in about a month but missed her birthday and got her gifts today through overdraft. I am -437.something cents which is not good now or for next months budget especially with christmas around the corner... I am sick like a lot of other people right now so studying is last on my list but managing. I am at the library again or usually when online. So I will see what I motivate my self to do to get healthy and get my high school diploma. BYE 4 NOw



MOVING IN THNGS GOING GOOD

My boyfrined and I are moving in together. we found our own 1bedroom place & Nov.4 we move in. I am excited. He is asleep at home now and i just left after napping with him to go to uncles for dinner. I live with Uncle Ray and he has no idea my man an I are together or moving in to- gether. The truth always comes out...my lil sister got caught stealing being a dumby, 4 shirts and cologne selfish child 17 but i dont think about it, i was a big thief until jail for a week turned my theft around so i hope she learned from that. Charles & I are doing better working things out together, 4 cats 1 dog and balll python is a lot for us and this place but we got it so we are making it ours until a year from now when we can look for bigger or better and then I am off to job corps. so goodnewsandbadnews later



SSI BACKPAY MOVES ME IN EARLY ALONG WITH NEW HOME APPLIANCES

so got $2,284 and that's for me...yeah but taking care of past due minor bills, savings and locking up $1000 to save and have, not interrupting any later bills or rent next month. Things look good. I am not goin gto go crazy, took mommy out for drinks and hili (gave her money to play with and gamble, i watched not my thing i ate adn drank. So later good news





My own place and life goes on

I moved in to my new apartment on Oct.9 thanks to that extra check. I spent the first night alone then the next night he came home to our home. I spent a lot of money on everything (new coffeepot, microwave, toaster, mop, broom, dustpan, kitchen garbage can, litter box, litter, cat food, dog food-cansandbags, snake bedding, house needs, lil food, comforter, pillow, halloween costume, hangers etc dont forget pot, boges, & liq) paid $375 to move in this month. It was an anxiety attack and i said thats it im out, im moving in. Uncle freaked for a few days, but he's fine, just supporting his son's pocket habits lately and complaining about it. I am so happy. Its not perfect, but right now we have our simple luxuries (bud&boges) He moved in the rest of his stuff in today and is changing it around while im out. Day therapy is great, but i skip cuz i have ltos of daytime appointments. Im going to be filling out applications soon becasue our budget is bills and needs. So we argue and have negative hours but we are happy, together in our home, with brutus his 3 yr old white bullmastiff with brown spots, my melon fat orange cat striped orange and mocha halloween black cat mixed with an orage blackish leg and orange blackish spot (hence name mocha mocha chip) his Lucky older male calico with out orange and my demetri, ball python. Its only us now. And we are okay. Food to survive. Our pets have full food supplies not us. I have trust issues with him still but id rather let everything slide then argue or question him. He has a lump in the side of his throat he says is cancer adn it scared me before I believedhim to be a patholigical liar. I have taught and told myself he is the truth, he is a man, he was in the army, he is not a new englander, he is from the south...he is real, the real man i want him to be. His granddaughter is to be born soon, it is a girl. I have trial for stabbing sean puss punk byach (sisters ex) on Dec 15, 3 days after i turn 23, UGH! Waiting for mom at the library. Wondering whats for dinner. My sis Stac had her 6 wisdom teeth pulled, and she is on tranquilizers and I said id take jayonna but he has no phone for me to ask him. I agreed with myself id put it all through us for anything to do with our home. Life goes on is all I am saying. My life did a complete twist when i did my tarot at my uncles one night, it happened, im going to do it again too alone. Wow im happy, life is alright.

Living with Charles, my love, has had its ups and downs but we are both happy. He is very supportive and suggestive whenit comes to my life adn its circumstances. My Uncle Ray is comingtomy place for the first time and having dinner with us. I am nervous and happy about it. Working on Espanol alot trying to get through high school still. Not DEc09 maybe Dec2010???Mocha my cat is very sick, she had to go to the vet and may have to go backonNOv3 when we get paid.Her health,all my pets health' matters to me ($88) she cant breathe,isnt eating got to give her med and milk through her med tube to show her what it is, she fights when I clean her eyes and nose so she can breathe but it doesnt help her to start eating. Im tired,missed Dr.Kozel's apt (missed bus) and then started running errands,only thing is spanish now



MONTHS UPDATE