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Old friends I find on Facebook. Jacob Carello, mom's favorite boy grown man now, got house, girl that means the world to him, a bike, a career. COOL! My love is in Afghanistan. Rough. I wrote Joshua a few times yesturday(ONE IM-& few notebook pages) I miss him I worry. FAMILY BBQ~awesome, somedrama, some hateful and ignorant ppl, but I dragged my friend Jamal with me and we had a great time. I ate like 6 lobster rolls(MINI) and we had fun. We played tag with all the kids there. I saw my cousin Heather's daughters, and her soon to be 9yrold twin girls. One Jenna blond curls, the other brunette Myya. They are awesome. So petifile woman there, ignored her presence. IT was supposed to mix with my favorite cousin Alexander's 21st bday party but he decided to work instead of miss time& a half. He showed up after 7pm when he got off and ppl got pics. Mine will be on facebook shortly. I stayedin yesturday went to ViaVia adn tropical for lil bit,. one slice cheese 2 budlights backhome. Chatline. Jim. PA. deep voice but he caught my attention. I am not sure to call him, he workd today but thinking if he wants to chat he will call me. Library now, work on Spanish, got to finish it up for my DIPLOMA! I told Dutch I misshim. I do. The good times. The good sex when id wrap my kness round his legs and lock em until I orgasm, adn the weed, and the happy stuff. I think of Jacob Carello too our first night together I stayed out til 12, first time doing that. annd mom liked him from the start. He loved candles, and I would watch General Hospital with his gramma sometimes, she's have it taped adn we would watch it togetherr. We met on the schoolbus one day. We were inseperable until I slept with someone else, and im sure now it did something insede him. I miss bobby, the goodtimes. He is in my dreams now too a lot. But cant have yoru past back. I am unsure hpow to let it go leave it in the past and move forward with new ppl and stuff. im sure leaving RI would help me. My friend Jamal and I are making plans to go to the Caribbean in August. IM ECSTATIC, got to save so after ver, savings to CARIBBEAN VACATION! g2g do Spanish & let mom on computer.



Carmella

I met tommy, a 29 yr old italian last night on the chatline. I do miss talking to steven. anyway, tommy and I cliqued fast and talked for over 3hours (1:24am I said im sleepy, going to sleep now) We exchanged pics adn numbers adn he said call him when I wake up. we talked bout wanting to be loved, loving animals and more than people, truth adn honesty. earning trust. if I want anything I need to take it slow with tommy. he self-conscious and not trusting easily. was married adn cheated on by her, by a lot of girls. so i told him I was married but separated and the divorce was financially challenging. he accepted that. Then he asked for us to trade numbers, I said thats what i was going to ask after I told him I was married. then we got cut off. We both called back and changed numbers. Nice guy. Real. talked bout sex, friendship, having fun, swimming and stuff. Im scared of myself. of hurting others, of being alone. He is really nice adn cool and ReAL. i texted Dutch too. Mom saw messages between Dutch & I adn flipped out. I flipped back "Its my life, im 25 I will do what I want too' im 24 and can. dutch didnt quickly say ill send money for you to come up but he is in ny with his babys mom and daughter destiny for a lil bit. he looks great adn changed and keeps to himself. not that i want to be with Dutch just want to runaway and get high and have a blast in another place (Indiana now by Jennifer) So family cookout tomorrow for memorial day adn my beloved cousin alexander's 21st birthday. Im happy to go. i love the kids. And I keep to them chatting playing stuff like that. DUck duck goose. caRtoon tag. yeah I got to play those games with them. I just thought of that too. lonely. yes. mommy adn I are looking at houses together (2bedrm w/yard and close to bus and section 8 approved etc) found places but probably taken by the looks of how long ago with in may they were put in...



G2G translating spanish



Carmella

Soon to be June, soon to be summer. Ernie, my best friend from the Christian school and Baptist church my mother adn his family used to attend, his birthday June 21st. I didnt forget that. He is at war as well with my Love Joshua. Both Army. They may know eachother, I never asked either. Anyway, Dutch, my ex from when I was 18 yrs old, wow 6 years ago already, I found and befriended on facebook. He accepted my friend request. He looks real good and is rapping and seeing his daughter Destiny who will be 11 a year older than my Jordyn. We chatted and I feel sick down and more alone than ever. He asked when I am going to visit. I would go tomorrow if I could, but medication, job, court, probation all that stops me (AND NO MONEY) at this exact time. But I could go for June all of June, just tell my job ahead of time. Court adn probation are both July 18th. UGH OR 8th but its in my phone calendar my mom got this second. I am afraid, terrifeid of what is to happen when mom adn I go separate ways. I am terrified of being homeless and losing my cats and being completely alone. One step at a time. I got a bunch of things to print. All my past due bills from cox, verizon, tmobile, vonage, national grid etc and find some way to pay them off little by little and clean up my credit before im 40 yrs old. Im going to have a beer or two tonight. Calvin drove me crazy these past few days. Told him no sex, he acted like a 2yr old in the candystore that was told no candy. Awful. Immature. Im only trapped becasue we are married. Therapy today was okay. Im sending him mixed messages. We are not mature all the way and with our separate mental diagnosises we dont understand eachothers ways and thats part the reason we are on different pages. Do we love eachother? Do we truly know what love is? I know I would do anything to keep Joshua safe adn at peace, but as a Soldier (HIM) I can do nothing but write and wait adn hope. Thats not helping him. He knows I got married, a foolish thing on my part. How could I get married loving him??? And ready to dump RI for a vacation with Dutch again...HE has always been a liar too, but seeing his picture adn hearing his voice, he might be telling the truth bout it. I know he can rap. always could. But running a mile a day and smoking cigarettes? not easy but yeah he could do it. I see he half his size, looks great. Damn I m trapped there ainty no knight coming to marry me clear my debt or give me a home permanently. NOPE. Fantasy. Work sucked today. just exhausted. tornado hit Indiana where Jennifer lives and I havent got a response from her at all today. I ve been texting her too. Texted Dutch since thats where he lives but hes in NY right now. He said it didnt hit the city, assuming his city the capitol. School exams muct be done. Mom already driving me sick, with her going her own way adn blah blah, im her caretaker i told her and she dont want to hear nothing. G2G



Carmella

Friday night I went to the bar for a couple beers. Met Jonathan, went home with him, but we didnt have sex. What an amazing night, we talked about our talents(he is an artist) im a writer-poet...His bday was sunday so sunday I made him a card on comp and put it in his door. I gave him my old number on purpose though even though he said maybe we can do it again sometime. I think he is impotent. But thats fine with me. Saturday morn I went home after 6am and slep ton and off all day for my brain. Satuday night dont know whta id did didnt go out though. Sunday cleaned my room took it apart put it together again. Then library then home. 2 beers alone that night and a slice of piza. monday back to work. Mom slept out and dog decided to pee in front of bathroom wall instead of scratching me to wakeup, An hour late for work. then packed up went to calvins. Didnt want too becaseu i dont feel as safe and warm and tight as i did friday night. watever. today docs, ear infections, bc refilled. Dont like dr.brennan, who i had today, but i love dr. eileen ognzalez. ... Calvin acting up and im not happy. kid, sex. life. ugh. compromise on us therapy and stuff...g2g



Joshua Imed me friday night adn yesturday after noon so happy. I will always love him, forever. I hope he makes it home. jennifer indiana emailed me too and we exchanged life updates..g2g



carmella

IMISS JOSHUA...MY ARMY SOLDIER AT WAR IN AFGHANISTAN STILL! I WONDER IF HE IS COMING HOME TO RI TO ME IN JULY ALIVE AND WELL AND TO ME AT ALL. We had a heated chat a lil while back and he sadi he is not getting married. He basically married the army. I was not happy. But I was also selfish he is at war fighting for our country and to stay alive. I hate people...Kuiees make me boil inside but I just smile in their faces cuz they all talk aint nothing being done and if they try again im not going down by myself I will claw their eyes out stab them with pen, I will defend myself adn if I wake in the hospital so will they. I hate Matt he still keeping my nieces from my mom and me...adn Janie told me put a bra on when i was in pjs tanktop adn anthony said he was leaving her-it was her bday-cuz she thought we were sleeping together(gross) then he started acting weird adn grabbing at me I told him I would put a knife in his hand and hed have to explain to janie why...BULLSHIT..Men are so sick and I wonder why im not a lesbian...women are awful too...including myself...Anyway I had a great weekend at Janies with Mark&Memphis & Maylee(but she has bugs in her hair-Janies been braiding my hair now this weekend I found live bug after sleeping with maylee in marks bed. Worse Sunday night Cari was driving all us home drunk and I was scared to death of crashing with lil Maylee in middle adn i had no seatbelt to put on Cari didnt put hers on. So I texted her to make sure her adn maylee got hoem safe adn they did, Aunty Jane drove us from her house (Cari took us all from portsmouth, janies, to auntys, then aunty took us home from there adn mom made sure aunty got home safe too. I just did a 45min workout, nice, and shower, now I go to work 11-1 today cuz got an 11am appt friday and worked out well. TWO MORE EXAMS, TWO xtra ESSAYS plus 1 xtra (5)short questions...BEFORE DIPLOMA

Had a splash of clear rum Saturday in gingerale and sunday when aunty mom maylee arrived for party had a bad migraine realized later it was that splash.

I was a mess this mornign afraid to leave the hoseu that I would see Shawn-dude I stabbed piece of POOP can finally put his name down but afaid i will see him and snap...I want to snap. I want his face shredded left alive...im suffering adn i have to suffer alone. My niece suffers adn has no one. I know she good with her friends but inside has lots of trauma she sure can not release with her mother and matt or sandra who treats her cruelluy too. So I slept in then got up cleaned showered now with mom at library safer with mom...



WILL THINGS GET BETTER???

Set up my facebook and Jim Sandra's father wrote he will be down at end of month and i can go back up with im he a pathologicakl liar so i will believe him when I see him here...But I will be going there broke and Joshua may be coming in July and everything is confusing adn complicated right now...

COURT-HE NO SHOW(SHE SICK ASSUMING SISTER) UGHH!!! THEN RENE TELLS ME MY fREE coURT APpoiNTED ATTORNEY SAYS"YOU CAN FIND A NEW LAWYER YOU CAN PAY FOR ID+F YOU DONT LIKE HOW I DO MY JOB BUT DONT DRAG MY NAME THROUGH THE MUD IN THIS COURTHOUSE,,," I cant afford an attorney but she doeesnt call me she is not in the courtroom with me when they call my name&case the 1st time...POSTPONED JULY18th...i cried driving wioth uncle tom away from fall river. Mynieces around the corner and cant see them...i cried... I think my lil sister is sleeping with Matt my older sisters boyfriend...I am sure thats why she's on birth control and living there again. Im sure she not sleeping with her "boyfriend" I dont even think she got one I think its all made up...Stacy workd her ass off # jobs and they home alone all dya. Uncle Tom says they all abuse the dog minature doberman pincher adn matt treats them all badly he says he sees. I could care less how he treats sandra adn that she accepts it. I got a facebook now...MOVING ON MONDAY WAS A BAD DAY

Great weekend. Of course My Memphis keeps me happily occupied with him. He grows so fast adn may have a hormone growth deficiency... ROUGH ON JANIE! But we have to wait for endocrinologist referral to go throuigh and appt adn tests and test results...UGH! I called the elements in Janies backyard just standing in the grass Memphis running around playing and not distracting I did stretches...I was at peace. With the elements ion the grass feeling the wind hearing the water and seeing the light of the sun(feeling it on me) It was wonderful. Then Sunday there was a mothers day dinner Janie did adn it was ok, I slept til dinner adn I bought my mom shoes (dont fit her_she dirtiesd and furred inside of them already and they hurt her feet etc) I got myself shoes adn a purse. Of course hers are the most pricey adn they dont work... But that problem came today(TUES&MON NITE) So I finished the GIFT 2nd to the WITCH& WIZARD by JAMES PATTERSON it was a carry on book obviously the !st book was great...now the 3rd wont be out til the end of 2012...RETURNED YESTURDA....

Friday I started hearing voices from the past. Dark Water...his singing to the children on the bus Jesus songs adn making us laugh adn happy and trusting in him. I hear his stupid song adn it drives me insane. No one cares they all say you can go to the hospital or you are safe if the voice is not telling you to kill yourself or anyone else...I cant handle it...I am nauseas stressed sick depresed adn can not handle his voice. Why now? After nightmares of him and his family??? I see adn hear the humialiation at church after what he did. His wife humiliated my mother & I and Its all in my head. I need it out. I need it out becausee I keep coming to a breaking point. NEXT: Migraines out of control-the noises hit me in the skull like a hammer with out the blood adn collapsing...REAL & PAST voices/ new words in reality...The voices all started after I thought of buying a bible and attending church again. Thats when the voices started.

I called my husband today. Yes. Joshua's choice for the military to be for his life is my cut from hi adn any future I thought < i believed we couls have. Steven got 4&1/2 years to be released anyway. But how do I tell him I am sleeping at my husbands place again. With my situation is rough but he will not be happy, even though I know he is going to say he understands. This is real rough. Now im looking for my own place in Providence. My 2/3 cats will tag along...Steven is far adn in prison for 4 more years so when im through w/college adn a career on its feet then I can decide will I jump the gun to SC/move w/him to Montana. I dont want to leave my cats behind at all. I think of the possibility of having Calvins child. But we will need a place befnore that happens. Im scared, and alone. But Calvin is here and waits for me now. But I want to be happy, and I want to be free adn on my own. Yet I am still married...Uh I will cook dinner adn we will watch new dvds I got from the redbox Bloodout & mandrake. Time goes on. My head is about to pop. My mood is going to pop. I am going to crack and I already got targets. Matthew theone who holds my nieces from me and I will be barging in on him next Mondya after court in Mass. Poop is a target becasue his family threatens me in the shadows, he sues me for $7 gs I dont have and wouldnt give him if I did. I need to attempt to win $1000.oo off a radio channel this week. That will help mom get up to date on her rent and help me on my own. I need help. I am running to Calvin again. Is that alright? is it wrong. I am a mess. I want to be in Stevens arms. A big muscular warm strangers embrace. I am mental. We will see how far it goes. I only have a few dollars he wants for bud but i wnat breakfast in the morn. I will get something in morn from work. So until I bite again...



CARMELLA



Cracking...about to break...possibilty of severe harm to enemies and death could occur