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Steven came back today, but he is hesitant with me. With his kisses. He was with his son but couldnt just call me or text me he was with his son. He just said "I need time to think pls" That meant he is confused. I am still living with nathan and shower here and sleep beside him. DAMN i am sad and confused and terrified Steven going to leave. For good. But he says no. no is not comforting. I am not content with my life. Mommy's home is great with him beside me. But ehrs hower dont even work so she like is always at auntys so she can shower and wash her work clothes and wears auntys clothes. School essay conclusion still on delay. The college program is being switched so the school sent an email to complete the subject im on by April 2. Im hoping to have this essay can be done by then. Its getting late. I want to be happy. I want a happyeverafter. They dont exist, it doesnot for me. I AM A SURVIVOR, my therapist said one day I CAN BE A THRIVER. I have to make it that way on my own. No man can make me content adn happy. Steven just left without saying goodbye tonight. He responded he didnt want me mad at him. IM sad he left that way. I SHOULD BE YOUR BOYFRIEND DRU HILL WORLD ORDER, is on right now. I am supposed to not need anyone but right now I do. 25 homeless struggling with food and still smoke cigaretets& weed, I work and am on SSDI so I make money but I should have my own home, apartment. I need something more than I have here in newport. I want to travel and see the world, I want to have straight white teeth and be under 200 lbs. I want to be beautiful to myself. One day I will have all I need. ONE DAY< until then its struggkle and survive.

GOODNIGHT

JENNIFER I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU



My husband also calls from time to time and checks on my family and myself. His daughter (Haley Ann Jenkins) is due next month and I am happy for him but sad I dont have a man and a family. The Bible says WOE to those with small children and that give suck(breastfeed, lil babies) in the times of tribulations. We are at war and the poor struggle more and more. I will alwasy love Calvin but I left. NOw he has a woman and child due anytime. I said she better not hit you no more, she busted his eye bone just to the side of left temple. But thats not my problem or something I can change.

SO here I am at nathans again. Steven confused and ive got his hatchet and will give it back to him put it around his neck and say goodbye. Ive cried alot I still do but music and the internet card games help me from the sadness and chaos. So Bree tikd me get out due to missy& uncle ray said I was talking crap. Eddyey took me in then found bedbugs bombed his house saying no one creeping over there. Jos girlfriend crystle I called her the whore/ho got kicked out of Joesy room not supposed to be there and he was caught. I believe she stays with chris&bbree now. But Crystla told Nathan I was here on speaker I brought the critters and she knew sometihng about steven he told her she told Jo but wouldnt tell nathan.(maybe just not in front of Joe she wont say) I want to know. I know he wants to work i tout with his baby's mom(13 month old son) But one day he came home and her and son and their shit was gone. He will get burned again. Just like Nathan, the twins mother he allowed to move in she stole from him didnt pay what she said she would. KARMA. It has hit me I feel all the people I was connected to are disconnected. IMAT NATHANS. I cant keep repeating the past but I need to survive so living with the past is there to keep me moving into the future. Thats how my life seems. One by one you lose trust and lose them. Im playing the game Jacob played and step one was completed with assistance and the steo I wanted to do was done before I did anything for it to happen. Life is a game. Bones plays the game< the game is your own reality. I am playing it to see how far it gets me. nathan knows its a game. he said ill do anything for you i want it to be his choice cuz he knows its a game. Melissa told me when we got to her dad

So here we are in March 2012 and so much has changed. Nathan called his brothers and told them he wanted me out and I wouldnt leave well I told him if he really wanted me out to tell his family that and id leave. So i left. Got in a relationship with this Jo Jackson he took my blues away like my nieces & nephews. But it stopped short. some whore he called his niece came in to our circle which includes his niece and my bestfriend Melissa. I met his parents, I didnt want to in case it didnt last. It did not. He left me for the whore he called his niece. CRAZY> Now I am falling for his brother Steven (NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN BUT AT LEAST I DIDNT HAVE SEX WITH JO MAKES IT ALLOWABLE FOR MYSELF TO BE WITH STEVEN> ) It gets crazier Eddye big black funny guy (who lies alot) I known for 11years develops feelings for me NUTS (BUT he is a guy who will have feelings one day and not the next day) SO MUCH CHAOS

AND THEN AFTER ALONG TIME OF LOSING CONTACT WITH JENNIFER ILOVEYOU GIRL she called me out the blue texted me cuz she changed her email and finally checked her old email. I want to run somewhere and hide & stay but I got some damn responsibilities. Uncle Ray has been very supportive of my being in college and paying the past bills off. I am happy too. Steven is HOTT with long black wavy hair and tall with dark eyes that change from jungle green to dark brown. He has been supportive so has eddye and melissa when jo left me. I was crushed it all happened soo fast too fast. So after nathan threw me out I ended up living with my cousin chris and his girl sabrina. unfortunately for me her mom just moved in and im allowed a couch but they are friends with jo and his ho and i am starting to handle their time in my "home" Steven and I are looking for a place now its all happening so fast i'm about to have a breakdown. Lets not forget Keith who is in love with Melissa(aka Missy) slept with her step mom before her dad got with her. BIG WOMAN DOESN'T GET UP MUCH...SO SCHOOL AND WORK ARE THERE, and I have great support Keith had a breakdown before me is upstairs now for a lil bit but i'm just full of tears and sadness and it will heal in time it sucks its still here now. I need an apartment for my sanity and Steven needs one too for his own reasons. I don't know whats going to happen between us I mean we have feelings for each other and are working on us so thats that.