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Nightmares(stories) We just got served with moveout notice. Not eviction but end of lease type thing. So Joshua decline to marriage to simple eviction. Our landlord knows we can not be evicted or my mother will lose her section 8 which is how she has her own place. Not that she lives by herself, I live with her. I just got apartments we could afford offlien that I could find. She only will live in newport adn middletown and will do a 1bedroom but I dont want a one bedroom, I pay for everything. So our relationship is coming to an end. Our landlord says we must pay our rent adn move out. Does that make sense at all??? Well its on a new bigger struggle-we just always struggled with this. Iver and over. Matt-stacys BOYfriend has taken the girls from my mother & I we dont see them. I am sad. Sick. And alone. If Steven wasnt in prison I would be taking this check to south carolina to live with him. Life is a nightmare. School almost done now this. I paid all my rent due, my mother backtracks adn im left in her situation with her. I dont know how to survive. SHe is hurting me but telling her that would just be a screaming match. UHH! Mother's Day & Court in Mass with POOP next week. im sick stresssed and keep it all inside. No one to talk too no on e near.

So day starts with nightmares(told in stories) then w/ steven on cell on way to docs(good) I raved to him bout mom&uncle shouldve done this this way shouldve done that way, very long emotional day, docs went well, apparetnly my colon problems are stress & need fiber intake, dizzyspells adn nausea and constipation adn gas is all stress related...Mom mouth all day to work, then work fine, lunch griulled cheese fine, set up mothers day adn memorial day posterboard together. Did a good job. Then gym-problem w/balance didnt go thru $20 bounced fee, back pain just kicked in, came home Joshua & I chat, I get down to business w/him bout us-army his life, dont got wait hell understand, he loves me always will love me, he loves his job staying in the army...He isnt getting married, kids not now, I broke down...Didnt tell anyone... My divorce fee gets paid on May 4th latest, just so im free of Calvin for good. Emotional mentally low, court around the corner, may 9th, then Steven says you know my circumstances...was sleeping dont know where it came from but it struck me lower after the chat that had me crying til i fell asleep lil after 5pm. I dont want to tell mommy, uncle ray, and feel its not something to discuss w/steven even if hes locked up and we just friends rightn ow. Its not a aman wants to hear a girl he wants tcryn over another man. I knew there was no happy ever after for me. Maybe down south? Maybe it dont exist. Q didnt deserve my I do then 14days later im gone...or the year of mixed emotional crap I gave him either. Joshua comes back to the states in July, to me I dont know anymore. He had an awful day too 17hrs on his feet and then my marry me bull...So old friend Fat Matt from green we run into eachother exchange #(he took mine) called me tues got smashed drunk at tropical bar by my house, we make out gross after adn plans today come over drink eat screw around more, I told steven about tues nite wed morn hungover he flipped, tried to explain was just all happened so fast adn he says go to his house youll end up drunk and in his bed sleepiong over etc, i was sad so i texted matt not happeneing ...today emotional wreck. Nightmares stress nausea dizzy spells etc all stress related all stress in my damn subconscious.

Well I chatted with Joshua today, positiveshock in me I cant describe, happy hes safe secure and alive. he talked dirty to me. I called him out not too then got dirty w/him cuz i love him and we are both frustrated hiim more than myself but I am too. I love him and miss him, but he is not coming home to marry me, Im supposed to sit back and wait til he's done overseas(alongtime its war) and im not happy about it. but because he is in another country in a desert trying to stay alive adn fighting for our country I have to support him, thats what i must do because ilovehim and want to marry him. Steven and I get closer. He says he wants me to be completely happy and he has 4&1/2 years to serve in S.C. for involuntary manslaughter. I told him then bout my stabbing shit charge. And we are amazing now but can we make four years? will Joshua marry me? Does he expect me to wait forever? I told him I would wait until one of us left this earth and even then we would see eachother in our next life. My mom bothering me, everything is, all this noise and commotion in the damn library. Childrens section and librarians. But my thoughts are out of control. I had a couple dreams about this guy Angel at my job who is friends with my ex flirt Eduardo. Well Angel translated my note from Eduardo (he loves me and wants to sex me all night long, and have his baby) i said enoguh i thrwew it away. Well Angel got a son and a girl too and ive been just talking too him. I told him bout my nightmares (2) with him in it. Last night he was blown up at the mtown hess gasstation.It was a set up. It was meant to kill Puddy. He is back in jail. But i thought it was puddy. I had his body and the police and ambulance left me there with it cuz he was dead and unrecognizable but still a body. I went and told rhonda nad the boys Puddy was dead. Then they cam eback mad when Puddy showed up cuz it was angel not puddy. long frustrating nightmares. well worked two hours today. eggsalad all we got for food. Foodstamps come in a week. NExt monday. i only had yogurt for lunch adn gingerale. the macaroni salad was disgusting to me. I dont know what to say my cell died with all the other things i wanted to put in. ILOVEJOSHUA. Steven and I clique comepletely though we are states apart living differnt situations. He works all day as a tractorman, build yourself up with trust and he a hard working man. G2G mom stalking for everything and i got the jumos too. UHHH...studying so hard, g2g tomorrow to middletown adn see what luck i have studying there and workout. I hope the music adn workout tomo are comforting...







CARMELLA



IMISSYOU JENNIFER

April will be soon ending, oh my goodness Easter is this Sunday. I keep forgetting. I met a few guys on the chat. One 42 in Bristol I chatted with and gave my #, big mistake, because I love Joshua I can not go and date adn eat with this man and hold his hand and like him. Well he was a lil clingy and I changed my #, talked to a guy who wears gstrings in summer I disconnected from chatline. Then I met Steven. 37, in South Carolina, a daughter and 2 month old grandson. It was nice. He likes my accent, I like his southern voice. He is not hot, but not ugly either. I like him as the person I know in him. I know he got a tan maybe muscular, tractor man. lol. Now I got to write a poem my tractor man, maybe a famous singer country woman like Faith Hill will sing it. I miss Joshua and he is always on my mind, I am lonely but I chose to fall in love with a soldier something I said I will never do as a teen(12) and my best friend chose the military. We said if we were both single at 25 we would marry one another, we love eachother. He got married in August 2008. When I ran in to him at Dunkin by my house (old dupllex) and he introduced me to his new wife, we all saw my jaws drop. I wonder if his eyes sparkle at me cuz trhey were or are always sparkling off duty. I married too. Stupid Me. Paying my filing fee for my divorce May 4th. Yes I am. Trying to protect my budget, divorce gym rent min home & pets supplies. I need new sneaks theses walmart ones fallen apart, the side undtitched, awful. So Im thinking sketchers shapeups or payless shapeups my mother needs shoes too for work and walking and jeans. 2 pAirs payless shapeups. Same price as one famous footwear pair. More socks. Sheets, pillowcases, lintroller etc. No contacts in no necklaces on just lounged today and yesturday. I cleaned the whole house today cuz landlord said he was coming with plumber. Plumber showed up 2and half hours later. Spanish exam 13 redone now 17-18 getting done. Awesome. Designed ring already and waiting for diploma after the exams done, once exam 21 reaches them and is graded I will wait 2 weeks after 21 mailed to school and see how long for diploma and sutff. SO excited I will deal with ring price, diamonds on silver elite with platinum or white gold im thinking i dont need rich ready to steal ring just what represents me and its not money. Back to work and working out tomorrow. Mommy gave her $10 up(ten a week to me for her membership on my debit card) and thats mas coffee adn bagel/bun morning. I get extra money fridays for buying bun/bagel fo rkelli, a friend at work. I feel naked with out my necklaces thats why I thought I had something to hide on my neck be4 I came to library from home. g2g Spanish Calls lol



Carmella



PS I miss my nieces so much we havent seen them and I want too, Jordyn is growing fast hanging with friends schoolwork dinner with mom lil Jay and Matt. But Matt was staying at his borthers and hast called me and I wonder why. I miss Skye and her kids too the twins and Kamayah who must be big now since she is a few days older thaan Jay and I havent seen her since Christmas before that it was awhile. Kids grow up, im growing up and i want to travel. I want to graduate, save money get my liscense and a car and drive away. My case manager Kim said remember a car is also registration insurance gas and a car buy it in good shape or youll be paying to get it in shape and repairs cost a lot too. Thats then this is now. NOw is JMHS(school) pay off debts etc. G2G

So nightmares are over adn over, dark h2o, my dad(biological) and Sandra's dad. Church families and humiliation I went through but differetn I was still small and didnt speak up for myself if i did in my dreams i forgot. I was sad adn scared adn embaressed. Snakes, adn turtles comforting, petstores, cats in rodent cages, mocha, remedy, stabbings...all over the place wake me up in middle of the night (all hours of night and early morn) sweating adn freezing adn hot. UGH...Calvin being an idiot on a library book on his card not letting me renew it or return adn rent it back out. I slept at his house but didnt sleep with him. We had dinner, bombed, watched next friday and the friday after next, he went to sleep at like 8:30pm adn I was stuck awake in the dark. Then I fell asleep adn got up early to leave. He didnt pick me up from kp or walk me down. Then he been acting stupid ever since. I left him, he stalked me out-numerous calls, pranks, friends ask am i pg, stupid stuff...then decides to make me look like im calling f=him for stuff. I just want the book back so i can still use hihs card. but its bull so im going to pay my moms $34 card off adn cut him off. Number change yeah. He is so childish are schitzo. Other things. My moms multi personality. THis is my journal to rant and rave and let everything out idc who dont like it then dont read it. My mom tarot (prof) said she aint moving but she can work at band, teach, whatever and she aint going to put herself up. I want her too, I try help, but in the end im n ot helping im mothering her and its not good for her. Then at my Aunt's 20th wedding anniversary(BUTCH&JANE GAMBRELL 20YRS MARRIED 25YRS TOGETHER CONGRATULATIONS TO THERM WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND HOPEFULLY AT LEAST 60MORE YRS) well it was a surprise party at the ALL VETS CLUB my Unclbe technically owns/runs it now but ive always known it as family bar-cuz family goes there, lots of Bakers-my last name-well there are petifiles among them, grandparents have a few other daughters, one married a petifile and tthe stayed with him abandoning her kids and i wish they would burn to death have their eys ripped out while conscious alot of other things, well she was there not her husband but her and the family accepts her and it makes me sick. she ruined the party for me with her presence and i was loud and obnoxious saying petifiles shouldnt be accepts but mom says tolerance. I sadi no. mom dont acknowledg her. But uncle ray did adn uncle tom adn cari adn it makes me angry & sick...next.I had a body assessmetn where I will now be doing cardio (treadmill&elliptical) at gym in my workouts. COOL. Also bra uplift im 36DD bra OMG im huge...lol need new bra definitely. work same. deal for thelittle cash for vet adn meds and laundry etc.I received my catalog to make my class ring. ECSTATIC! But got to graduate adn find out my ring size. Mommy dogsat for someone last night. She walked home to ann st from past county liquors on aquidneck avenue in mtow, thats a real long walk. I told her i wouldnt pressure her to gym it she got her workour today. BEST NEWS FOR LAST JOSHUA IMED ME THIS MORNING REAL EALRY ANS I WAS HAPPY TO HEAR FROM HIM KNOWING HE IS SAFE and well