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So, heargoes, I've been fighting depression lately. Partly because i realize that my circle of people that actually give a damn is dwindling. Partly because I'm stuck with not a damn thing to do. Oh i also just learned that i was robbed. Now, in a normal situation, could usually handle the occasional bout with that annoying little cloud that pops up over everybody's head every once in a while.



I have to tell you though, my cloud is firing off lighting storms. I mean, for God's sake, i woke up three days ago crying my eyes out. Why? Because, and i have no idea why, but something in my head kicked off every memory i had of waking up with my first love in my arms. I''d never felt so damn alone. but thanks to a semi close friend, I got through it.



Oh, i went through my address book on my phone this morning and realized that i don't have a single person in my phone that i actually talk to on a daily basis. I am running on empty here. I can't not help those around me but it feels like I'm to the point where every ounce I give to my friends and family is torn from my own soul. On a good day i just feel alone. On the bad ones, I'm a shell.



Bad part is i can't go to a psychiatrist about all of this, I don't want my father knowing whats going on. Not because he wouldn't care but because he doesn't know the first thing about my emotional state. Partly because i put on a mask. The major reason is he would ask a bunch of stupid questions that i don't want to sit and answer. Besides, I couldn't talk to anyone anyway. The first time I tried I would feel like I was trying to crush their problems under my own.



I can't ask for help. I'm running out of steam and im out of answers. I'm wandering what will happen first, Me just giving up or everything deciding to just go ahead and destroy me. Anybody got the answers?

SO! I have discovered something. I've been going down a rocky, rocky path as of late. After sitting down with my little brother(which it occurs to me that having my little brother basically shake me until my head was filled with scrambled eggs is what it took for me to see this is sad in and of it's self)



But he sat me down and was talking to me. Because over the last year I've almost gotten my self killed and killed my self. The reason being is simple. A girl, yes a girl. Does it seem trivial and slightly idiotic to want to throw your life a way for someone? Maybe. But, at the time, that girl was the world to me and i thought i was the same. thanks to her I think my senses went hay wire and i went into a spree of dating some people that weren't the best, im scarred because of all of this and due to recent incidents i have sworn off dating, which seems to be the right way to go but its bloody lonely.



to end this oh so riveting entry, i take a deep breath and ready myself for the onset of another day and more pain, after all, there is a silver lining, right?

COMMENTS

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Bellanova333
02:14 Jun 09 2011

Oh.. there is ALWAYS a silver lining in the mushroom cloud ;)

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It's silly, but I've gone through phases. Rejecting what I am and then turning around as soon as an hour later and accepting it. I'm just this scared kid, scarred to but that's for another entry, I guess. I wander a lot to. About mortality. That actually started at a young age for me, to this day i can't figure out why.



As for the escaping? that's easy, I'll sum it up in one word. Parents. I don't mean that my parents don't love me(well at least one does, actually I only have one but, again, that's another entry) I mean that my parents fought over me. The battle got insanely stupid so i just backed off. Eventually, it turned into one saying something about the other and then the other saying something about the other. i got tired of it, i just wanted a break. i wanted some solidity in my life. Turning was a break-away for me. It Told me that there was something bigger.



I've been battling depression lately(who doesn't right?) But if I didn't reach out id be dead by now. This is it, this is me reaching out.



Sic Vic Pacum Parabellum

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Grayangel
02:56 Jun 01 2011

Reach out but dont forget to reach within were your answers truely lye. We are never alone in this world and thhere are others just like you but who have their own stories to share if they chose.

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VampireGoddess666
03:59 Jun 01 2011

I agree with you so much. I know what you are going through. My parents did the same to me and are in a way still doing it. Even though I don't live there anymore and have my own life and family. My fiance of course doesn't understand my families nor what they are. So, it is hard for me to talk to him about what I am. An depression is something I am really going through right now. An being what I am...is in a way a blessing but also troublesome for me as well. But don't give up. There are others like us out there and on here. That will tell there own life story of how they became as what they are today. An love to help others. Just have to find the right ones.

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dragonspawn
17:09 Jun 02 2011

drop me a line if you ever just want to talk

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