The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Dead Letter to the Editor
21:50 Nov 28 2006
Times Read: 560

Dead Letter to the Editor





Dear Editor,



I am a resident zombie from Jasper, Texas. I have existed along side my fellow living neighbors for a few hundred years now and never had any trouble until about two weeks ago. Some young punk kids came to my place of residence with their little shot guns in hand, most likely from daddy's gun cabinet. They came barreling through my front door and proceeded to "do away with me." Of course being the young belligerent children that they were, they had it all wrong.



Not to mention they were so scared when I answered the door that their sniveling leader could only stutter out the words, "Ahhhhhhh We we must have the wrong house!" They then proceeded to run like frightened eighteenth century nuns being chased by a pack of werewolves into the night.



After a good laugh and a cup of coffee I realized something. This world is no longer safe for us zombies. All these ridiculous movies, books and even music that has come out in the last few decades have painted a rather unbecoming picture of zombies and I am here to set the record straight.



First of all we don't eat human's brains. Believe me, and no offense, they are the last species on earth we would ever want to feed upon. Honestly you humans are just tainted. All of the drugs, preservatives and other unmentionables you stick in your body are beyond disgusting. It ruins the flavor and makes the texture a little on the watery side. We enjoy more intelligent species with good firm medulla oblongata such as duck, dolphin or goat.



Second we can not be killed by shot guns or chainsaws. Although annoying as it is to loose a limb or have a hole put through your rib cage it does not hurt. The most you can do with that is slow us down a little and if you can not out run a zombie then you must have problems. We go about as fast as your ninety one year old grandfather who has emphysema and a wooden leg. After you have been experiencing rigor mortis for a few hundred years how fast do you think you would move?



Third we are not the bumbling idiots you see in those terrible moves. We often have zombie reunions where we discuss such things as politics, philosophy and yes even rocket science. Although to a passerby it may sound more like moans, growls and BRAAAINNS!!! we have advanced far beyond the need for verbal communication. Really most of us can't move our mouth very much anyway. That whole rotting thing makes the jaws a little stiff.



Even though we are very intelligent we have a hard time finding a place that will hire some one of our stature. We often end up working as cemetery maintenance specialists or over night stockers for Wal-mart Supercenters, they hire anyone.

I hope that this has cleared up the common misconceptions about us zombies. So the next time you see a resident zombie in your neighborhood instead of running away thank them for being so nice as to share this world with you. (Believe me we could easily get rid of you of we so chose to do so.)



Your Favorite Zombie,

Mortichi Flanders







© K. Loch 2005

Dinner With the Dead
01:17 Nov 13 2006
Times Read: 575

This is a holiday favorite that was put out last year around the same time. Hope all you cooks enjoy.

Dinner With the Dead



(A comprehensive guide to necromancing your holiday feasts.)



It is that time of year again. Family and friends gather together to celebrate such wonderful holidays as, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, Kwanza and Memento Mori “Remember You Die” Day. It's a time for fun, sharing and most importantly good food. Now you are wondering where you, the necromancer, fits in all of this holiday splendor. Well my friend it is in the feast.



Maybe you want to involve your loving family in the roots of your work, maybe it's to impress your friends, or maybe it's to show that special someone how much you care. Whatever your reason is you can use your impressive voodoo at home.



There are some simple rules to follow when reawakening your holiday feast. First of all do not bother to cast spells on your fruits or vegetables. Yes they can be brought back to life rather easily but they will do the exact same thing they did during their life span, grow, slowly I might add. A reborn zombie potato grows at one tenth the rate of a living potato. Not to mention they have a tendency to roll off of the table. Not too bright really but most zombies aren't.



When rejuvenating your meat or main entree be sure it has been fully prepared before bringing them to life otherwise you could have a real mess on your hands. An uncooked turkey or chicken will often trail blood and entrails all across the kitchen and if you happen to be at a guests house this can be kind of awkward. So keep those necromancing skills in check.



Leg of lamb is the easiest dish to bring back to life. It does not do alot of running around all considering you can not get far on just one leg. Unfortunately it is not quite as impressive as say a dancing deep fried turkey. Stuffing is of course optional. Sometimes it can be more trouble than it is worth. Seeing the cornmeal and onions fly out of a wiggling turkey's neck may be amusing but if it ends up in your guest's laps they may not find it so funny.



The hardest undead dish to deal with would be roast pig. Imagine a pink pineapple drenched porker running amuck around the house. Although more quiet than a living pig due to the apple lodged in it's mouth the cons in this case out weigh the pros.The glaze makes them very slippery and no matter how tight of a grip you think you may have on that shank they are most likely going to slip away. You would have to catch the sticky swine and cut off all four of it's limbs to slow it down enough to eat it.



Although the food may be quite imperative to keep the holidays merry and bright the most important thing is to have fun. So go ahead, take that chance, show the world what you are made of, awaken that dead duck just don't forget the Necro-sauce!



Brought to you by Hellmen's Necro-sauce: It's not officially dead unless it's Necro-sauce!!!



© K. Loch 2005