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While I was typing all this one of my favorite excerpts from The Book of Nod popped into my head. I think its very relevant in both our lives and I hope you feel a relation to it as much as I do. In the words of Toreador to his Childer



"In quiet, you will know beauty, in beauty you will know truth, in truth you will know love, in love, you will know quiet.



Use your sight, to see the truth in beauty.

Use your speed, to stay still.

Use your beauty, to know truth.



My children, my creations, gental roses all,

I have called for your sculptures,

I have called for your pictures,

I have called for your songs,

I have called for your dancing.



Beautiful children, beautiful creations.

Gold is not as precious, honey not as sweet,

milk not as pure.



Like the tiger, you bite,

like the hawk, you dive,

like the cat, you stalk.



Beautiful predators!

Sweet succubi!

Daring incubi!

Taste the virgin's blood and find bliss!



Find your greatest part of Joy.

Follow your greatest part of Joy,

and know that I watch you, enthralled.

My children, my creations,

my beautiful ones."

Booze doesnt numb it lines dont cut it smoking doesnt dull it. take my pain away. haunted by my past to forever shape my future. Will the bonds that have been placed upon me ever truelly unlock? My mind chains the memories in a dark box that i wish would never unlock. my dreaming breaks those shackles and brings them to the fore. sanity is for the mundane life that i wish i could have had.

The pain runs through my veins an icy chill as i remember and wake from the dreams that haunt me the dreams of my past. the fists flyying. the shots ringing. the cold steel at my neck. The invasion of my sanity, my mind my body my soul. the most intimate parts of who i am forever tarnished and soiled. why does it all still hurt. go see a therapist go to group talk about it.... FUCK YOU. it doesnt help when i wake at 3am in a cold sweet from seeing the haunting laughing faces the pain sweeping over my body from what has been done. i am forever physicaly mentally and soulfully injured and nothing you or i say will change this. the cards have been dealt the hand is played and pain for me untill my dying day.