BloodlustFae's Vampire Journal

BloodlustFae's Journal

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← Apr 2024

why i am the way i am.
14:15 May 02 2024
Times Read: 164

some triggering subjects ahead, you have been warned.

I feel like I should probably explain how my love for Paul Reubens started. The first time I ever laid eyes on Paul, I was about 2 years old. I remember it clearly -- even though science says that you can't remember anything before age 3, I know for a fact that's bullshit.* We were at my grandma's house, and my brother, J, my cousins J2, M, K, and M2, were watching the MTV Awards, which took place not too long after Paul's unfair arrest in 1991. I remember just standing there, staring at the screen, staring at him. I remember not wanting to eat dinner, because that would mean I wouldn't be seeing him.

As time went on and I got older -- like single digit age, close to 10 -- I remember watching Pee-wee's Big Adventure anytime it was on. I loved that movie -- I still love that movie. I remember seeing Big Top Pee-wee and immediately feeling a burning hatred for Winnie and Gina, lmao. At this point, I hadn't discovered Pee-wee's Playhouse, nor did I feel anything strong towards Paul. I was too young for that -- but apparently foreshadowing, with my hatred of Winnie and Gina, lmao.

I did go through some trauma when I was 8 years old... from the time I was 8 until I was about 13 or 14, my cousin, B, raped and molested me. He was younger than me, but always much bigger and stronger, if that makes sense. I was a sickly child -- having been born three months early with immune system issues and hypothyroidism -- so it's not like I could fight back. When I was 12, my best guy friend in middle school, B2, raped me too. I don't really talk about any of this, but again, maybe it explains why I'm not "normal". I had to switch schools because of him, and I couldn't even go to the high school the rest of my friends were going to as a result.

Which leads to high school... I kept to myself a lot. I was the weird goth kid everyone picked on. Thrown into lockers, had girls pull strands of my hair out when they would sit behind me, they'd put gum in my hair (I had waist-length hair), that sort of shit. I had a handful of friends -- the school's Juggalos. They didn't treat me like shit or bully me. We'd meet in the bathroom in between classes, and if they knew someone was bullying me, they'd end up coming into my class and giving a warning to the bullies.

The hardest thing for me in high school was relationships. The idea of being with guys scared me; probably due to the trauma I faced growing up. I dated girls exclusively. My first girlfriend was a girl named A -- the cutest goth girl I had ever seen. She was a cheat, unfortunately. Ironically, she's now best friends with my best friend and married to a guy who had a crush on me in middle school. Then I met my ex-gf, S, on MySpace. We both loved t.A.T.u., so we hit it off instantly. Little did I know she'd turn out to be so terrible.

It was around 2004, when I was 14/15 years old, that I had discovered Pee-wee's Playhouse. I loved every minute of it. And that's when the feelings hit... everyone chalked it up to teenage infatuation/fangirl crush, but no, this was something deeper, and I could never explain it. I started writing my fanfics about this time, and my OC, Darcie, was created. It's funny, bc when I was around this age, I looked like I could have been Stephanie McMahon's little sister -- so I guess it's only fitting that Darcie, who was and is my self-insert, would have her as a faceclaim. This was around the same time that I had met S, and we had started dating.

I could never explain my feelings towards Paul, but they were strong, and they were there, and they weren't going anywhere. It was like... a yearning. Only way I could explain it. I mean... the first (and only) time S and I had sex, I couldn't get off unless I closed my eyes and imagined that Paul was the one I was having sex with. She found this out after reading my diary while we were camping once and from that moment on became physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. I will say the funniest thing about mine and S's breakup is that a.) she was 17 and cheated on me with a 25-year-old, named A, who went by the alias TL, who lived in England. and b.) she was so salty about my love for Paul that she wrote a fiction story where she and TL had to join forces and take down a villainous queen and her "nerdy suit-wearing boyfriend" (Hmm, who is that? I wonder...). It was hilarious tbh. Villains have more fun.

Then there was my time spent on the IMDb message boards -- specifically Paul's message board. Some of the people there were cool, some were not. There were a lot of people who called him a creep and a pedo, and it upset me every time. It didn't feel like "they're insulting your idol"... it felt like a part of me was being attacked, that they were attacking the love of my life. I went on the offensive every time. I still do, even though it affects my mental health negatively. I cannot allow people to attack Paul and continue to spread lies. The yearning for him never stopped.

I've mentioned my ex-sister-in-law, H, confronting me about my love for Paul. I'll never forget it. I remember I was home alone -- my mom worked from 3 PM to 11 PM or so back then, so I got to stay home and do whatever -- and I had made an away message on AIM -- AOL Instant Messenger, in case you don't know -- and I remember it well, it read "Paul Reubens is my sunshine, and the air that fills my twisted lungs. I love him so much! My always and forevermore."

She messaged me while I was away: "You know, it's really disturbing that you say these things about a guy in his 50s -- especially when you're a teenager. He's old enough to be your father, and/or your grandfather. It's not normal and it's not appropriate."

I remember I read it and I didn't respond, I just sat there with tears streaming down my face. No one understood. It wasn't a mere celebrity infatuation; it was so much more. She then replied: "I don't care if you're mad at me, I'm just speaking the truth. Everyone thinks you're weird."

I remember starting to retreat more and more during that time. How could I be weird when I felt our souls were one?

Fast forward to the past few years... I quit being open about my attraction to Paul because of my ex-sister-in-law's words -- and then my mom believing the lies about him didn't help. I remember last year, I was watching Celebrity Wheel of Fortune, and Paul was one of the contestants on there. I was getting ready to make a snack, and when I saw him, I stopped in my tracks. It was just like when I was a child, seeing him for the first time, except this time, the feelings I felt... the yearning, the feeling in the pit of my stomach -- the feeling one gets when looking at the one they love... people can call it butterflies, but it's so much different than that.

And then July 30, 2023 happened. That night, I dreamed about Paul. We were hanging out together, talking about so many different things... right before I woke up, we hugged each other. I remember I looked at him, and I said: "Why does this feel like goodbye forever?" and Paul looked at me, sadly, and replied: "Because it is.". I woke up on Monday, the 31st, very confused by that dream. And then the news of his passing broke...

People can say what they want, but that was his way of trying to break the news to me. He visits me nearly every night in my dreams. I've even reached out to him through other spiritual means -- spirit boards, pendulums. I've felt his presence. He touched my arm once... I admit I'm very possessive of him, as someone on tumblr has started reblogging my pictures of him and tagging them as "he is mine". Like, no sweetie, he is MINE.

He's my twin flame.

*To clarify why the claim of "you can't remember anything before age 3" is bullshit, is because I DISTINCTLY remember being 1 year old and crawling across my grandma's carpet. And I remember being held by my great-aunt, D, who passed away when I was 3 or 4. So yeah.