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Stalking through the city in my dreams searching for my dark angel when I am pulled from my hunt to an amplified screaming. Time and time again my father wakens screaming for help. He is lost. He is trapped. He is in need. My mind begins to unravel as the lack of sleep grinds my brain into a sausage-like substance. I begin to wonder if there will be anything left. Any coherent portion left to share or give. Perhaps like a rabid animal it is almost time. In the other room, I hear the sacraments the church offers him, I pray to my God and hope he can forgives those sheep who have mangled and twisted the messages of love which he has tried to give to the masses of herd beasts. Instead of love, they have war and claim it is in God's name. If only the leaders of the churches, temples, and mosques were sent to kill one another instead of the best of the sheep's children, maybe then the sheep would evolve past the cancer which they have become upon the world. Maybe one day they will stop their grazing and bleating and burn down the neon world which defiles the very air that they breath. I try to thank God for all he has given me, FUCK... he is screaming again

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RaynesAsylum
14:34 Oct 24 2016

Lets look into in home care for him. You cannot keep doing it all alone - you have to care for yourself too! Talk to his Insurance people....talk with home providers and lets get him a person to work with him. You can only do so much...Tell Pops I said hi.

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For years beyond imagining I have wrapped my heart in a black cloak of rage, hate, and pain. I was told I was oblivious to the world around me. I had created a wall around my soul to protect me from a world which I didn't fit into. I let my children and my dogs inside to glimpse what I truly was. Only years later could they understand the twisted insanity which I endured to try to make life better for them. So they could grow up loved and supported. Over the past three years I tried to let others inside to see what I really was. My ex wife betrayed me, my one girlfriend bled me for all she could, and my slave was driven insane and lost to an addiction which I could not fight. I tried to rewrap my heart in darkness and devoured the energy of many in various ways to try to complete the barrier. I made one friend who helped me through some of my darkest hours, before I met my dark angel. Now in a matter of hours, she tore everything away. I am whole, and happy for what may very well be the first time in my life. Aside from the joy my children gave me when they were young enough to love me unconditionally, I have never known anything like this. I think I could get used to this being happy. If true love is the ultimate form of insanity, I have a rubber room reserved for me. Thank you God.

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RaynesAsylum
18:41 Oct 22 2016

*cries tears of joy* I am so happy for you. I have always hoped that you would be rid of the burdens that bound you to utter darkness.

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Sorvena
14:11 Oct 23 2016

One thing that worries me is that it seems you have this person holding your happiness in your hands from the sound of it, and that's not a good thing honestly. Trust me, I have loved and lost many times during my life and probably even lifetimes before this one, but one thing i have learned is that you have to get happy with yourself first and foremost and do the things that make YOU happy, and then you can invite others into your life because no one should be dependent of their happiness in another. That should just be a life BONUS. My 2 cents. ;)



I am glad that you're happy yes, just as happy as i am with Aexander and i do want that for you. I guess coming from my own personal experiences, emotionally one has to come to a sense of reality and learn not to keep spirally downward.

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Sorvena
14:12 Oct 23 2016

spiraling*

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BloodStorm
17:38 Oct 24 2016

I spent less than 33 hours with my dark angel, and I told her the horrible truths of what I was and the sins I had committed. I did not lie or bend any truths, and I admitted even that my own daughters finally understood that I am a sociopath. I confessed my insanity and my demons. She accepted me for exactly what I am and loved me not for what I could be but for what I am, and she loves me without wanting to change me. I am changed for having met her, and my reality is different. But I love her enough to want the best for her and her son. Whether it is with me or with someone else who can make her happier than I could. Reality changes with perspective, sanity is altered by what it perceives. I am a different creature for having met her. No matter what may happen, I am in love with my dark angel. I have already stepped off of the cliff and am falling harder and faster than I ever dreamed possible. I am waiting breathlessly for Saturday. I know enough psychology to understand no one can make another person happy. So I am going to use what I have learned from my past failures to try to make her and her son part of a loving caring family. I will not try to change her or him. I will simply love them as they are for who they are, and I will hold on tightly, breathlessly, and enjoy every moment I can savor with them.

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Cinnamon
15:38 Nov 20 2016

I have to disagree ... a little. No, we shouldn't depend on someone to make us happy, per se. I mean, it shouldn't all fall on them. Happiness can be found in other places besides in our lovers. Duh. So, if they are our only source of happiness, we risk being hurt badly when they are no longer willing or able to make us happy. But, then, we should be able to depend on them to make us happy, they should want to make us happy. That's all part of a loving relationship, right?



It really bothers me when people say no one can make you happy, you have to find it for yourself. That's a load of crap. That's them being delusional. Yes, people can make you happy. And they can make you sad. Their actions have an effect upon us whether we want them to or not. You can't argue that. Basic science: action=reaction. Now, that reaction, well, that's what you have control over. Do you accept the happiness or reject it? Do you give in to the sadness or do you overcome it?



Having said all that, yes, our loved ones can make us happy and they should make us happy. We can depend on them to make us happy and we should depend on them to make us happy. If the day comes where they don't make us happy, well, then I suppose that is when we choose how to react to the situation. Do we let their actions affect us negatively or do we move on to find happiness elsewhere? That's totally up to us. That is where our power comes into play.



I think some people see it as a weakness to admit how much power a lover has to make them happy or sad. I don't think it's a weakness, I think it's just a reality.

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Just a week ago I was an entirely different person. I have had so many adjectives thrown at me, and I deserved each and every one at some point. Here I sit praying for a little boy that I have not met in person yet. My heart twisted in worry for him and his mother. I normally only thank God for whatever he has given me, but today I am asking him to protect and watch over Dantes. I am not sure if that makes me a bigger hypocrite than anything I have ever done. I have made many mistakes, and I know I will face a reckoning at the end of the path. I will pay for all the insanity at some point, but I must have done something good or I would never have heard his voice on the phone.

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NocturnumIgnem
05:10 Oct 22 2016

I imagine his voice was like hearing Angels sing...

I am happy for you - you deserve happiness and love.

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DOLLFACE
06:04 Oct 22 2016

True desire is never hypocrisy when It comes from the heart, My Dear. Your intentions are pure, and they come from the most noble heart I have ever encountered.



Your prayers made my son a very strong boy today, and I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how thankful I am.



From the depths of my heart, the heart of a mother and a woman... THANK YOU...

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DOLLFACE
13:33 Oct 22 2016

His voice is like hearing demons sing, in the most angelic way... :)

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I ran across a profile that had very little put in it, yet there was a familiar flavor. I couldn't find the right words to express a feeling which I was not believing to be possible. I asked with some trepidation something along the lines of " I am sorry to begin in the middle, but there is some flavor about you that seems overly familiar." I had a girlfriend, and was not looking for anything, but there was something there. We spoke and it was as if we had danced upon a beach in the pale moonlight of a different time. An unusual familiarity, a love from a past life. We both agreed that we were taken and tried to leave it as friends. But some things are beyond explanation or reason. We decided to meet if only to clear our minds of an illusion. She was to be married, and I had a girlfriend that I loved who was also my best friend.On the day we met, everything which could go wrong went wrong, the bus stopped at the wrong place, the elevator would not work, even the hotel computer was completely shut down. But from the moment we laid eyes on one another, and kissed, and kissed again, and kissed again, there was a difference. A familiarity, a love that passed understanding rhyme or reason. There was no intention of causing anyone harm or pain. There was simply a love and happiness that wiped away the misery and pain from the mistakes of the past. I had barely met this person, and somehow I knew I was in love, not just the love of a friend, a brother or a child. The love that fills your heart and makes you thank God for every second you have to spend with that person. Savoring every detail of each moment.

There are those things that were most precious to us, which after the horror of loosing true love we avoid like the plague, Songs, places, and pictures. *sighing deeply* but when we feel brave or strong enough we pull them out to see if we can bear the sweet familiar pain or if we will break and finally perish from the world. Thus I felt impaled listening halfway through a song I never wanted to hear again. Feeling my soul pierced and torn further, wondering why, why do my lungs betray me and still draw in the air of this realm? Then I remember her, and there is hope and while hope lives the pain can be endured.

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NocturnumIgnem
14:27 Oct 20 2016

Sooner or later those painful songs will bring joy...if not because of a new found meaning but because you are at peace with the past.

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BloodStorm
18:51 Oct 20 2016

You are right. I have found my peace. I never thought it could happen so fast.

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