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What started out as a fun Saturday night ended in the worst night of my life.

I've experienced a lot in my life: wishing for death, the suicide attempt, the sexual assault, the aftermath of my mother's assault and loss;

But somehow this seems more traumatic.

Saturday I accepted what I thought was a harmless drink from a sweet face with freckles.

When I realized my drink tasted "strong" time had slipped away and every where I looked was fuzzy.

Sweet Freckled Face was no where to be found and my friend was missing.



(Time gap, Memory Gap)



I find my friend near a window. I sit near her and two guys speak to me.



(Memory Gap)



I'm in the lap of another sweet face but different. This one has more golden blonde hair, kind brown eyes and a gentle touch.

We play a guessing game and his is name is Christopher and I touch his face, I didn't want to touch his face, but couldn't help myself.

Christopher pulls me closer and I lean my head on his shoulder.



(Time Gap, Memory Gap)



I come to and I am still in Christopher's arms and I think I'm okay.

My face doesn't feel used, I don't feel used and all my clothes are intact.

"Something's not right, I am going to my car Christopher"

"Okay......" I couldn't hear him anymore.



I find a door and then feel fresh air.

I stumble and stumble and it's dark.

I try to stand up tall.



(Memory Gap)



I'm in the back seat of my car and I am so sick.

It's wet...so wet and I'm freezing cold....and the shaking is severe

"Joe!" I cry out and his voice responds. And I'm crying or maybe I already was...I don't know.



(Memory Gap)

A bright green light in my face and it says Joe, I answer

"D, D, D, you're okay. You're in your car and you're safe, call your boyfriend."

"David!!" I try hitting the screen of my phone but it won't work my hands are wet. "David!" and blessed voice calls back and I'm crying and screaming and trying to talk.

It's so hard to talk, I can barely get words out.

"Alone, car, Huske"



(Time Gap, Memory Gap)



The door swings open and I see the face of my love and I know I am safe.



I wake up the next day and think, why would someone do this to me......

He arrived last night.

Time to begin deciding our fate.

Who will stay?

Who will go?

The trial period has begun. With this last effort, I believe I have done all I can do to save what I perceive as a failing relationship.

Only time will tell what is in his heart and in his mind.

How deceitful I am

my wondering eye

my wandering mind

Thoughts of you, thoughts of him and him and he

It's different when it's not the celebrity fantasy

These men that bring a smile and a laugh

Of course it's all harmless at first,

until I think of what my love would say, how he would react if he saw such interactions, read such messages.

I feel sick

I feel despicable at such treachery.

But is it truly my fault?

When I don't feel loved?

I need attention, I've always been the center of attention.

So when I am not, I find it else where.

Or is this just a pathetic excuse to have fun and enjoy life with each encounter?

My time here is almost at an end.

I may not be able to hide this anymore.

My freedom on the net, my freely spoken thoughts.... time is now limited.

He is coming back and I hope it works.

If it does not, I will pick up the shattered pieces and carry on with my life as planned for me.

I can do this, I am trying and making an effort to fix this.

Or is it just me that needs fixing because only I perceive a problem?

Will he do the things I ask?

Will he love me in the ways I need to be loved?

Though our last conversation did not give much hope, I am determined to try every strategy before I give up.

You've taken up my life and I have taken yours, I will not leave until it's the last resort.

If you can't love me in the way I need, you will lose me.

If you lose me, will you fight for me?

What scary and sobering thought....am I worth fighting for?

Clearly, I think you are otherwise I would have stayed and tried for the Other.

COMMENTS

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BeautifulEnlightenment
01:33 Nov 02 2016

Sounds to me like this person needs to take a hike. ;-)

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