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We were together again.

I tried to resist but I didn't try hard enough.

This time it was fine this time there were friends;

This time we weren't truly together.

I spent time talking to some seriously awesome people.

You know some super awesome people.

I am honored to have met them.

I wish I could say the same about his new friends.

Tonight we were more like friends.

Socializing with others, coming back together periodically.

And then at the end, a charge and change in setting and dynamic.

I want so desperately to be making all this up and at the same time I wonder, I hope you feel it too.

I wonder and hope and so desperately want not to wonder and hope if you're in the same boat as me.

This is crazy, I am crazy!

This is why I need, I must leave.

The space will make it more as friends, really good friends that pretty much have something to say to each other every day.

Tonight, tonight, tonight......

continues to add to the roller coaster track of my emotions.

Sometimes I feel that this is all in my head:

That I am making up the lack of affection from my boyfriend.

That my friend somehow likes me but since I am taken he won't say.

That there is this connection between us that could go beyond friendship.

That my boyfriend doesn't love me or doesn't care about me anymore.



I have all these thoughts and feelings. I don't know what's true and what's not.

There are so many truths I would rather not know, that I DO NOT need to know.

I feel as if I am going to drive myself crazy.



OR maybe I already am.

I want to stay, I want to leave

I need to leave

I MUST leave

I fear that if I stay I'll do something I'll regret.

Hell, it could happen before I leave!

How did I get this way?

How is it that I can love someone so much that I move my life around hills and valleys for him and then suddenly.... a friend becomes temptation?

I don't want this temptation it's like an illness I don't know how I got. How did I get it??

Who do I blame for this? Me? Him? Or Him?

I am sure all 3 are to blame.

But we can have friends right? Even ones that are attractive?

I have no idea what to do!

I'm ignored by one but he wants my hand in marriage.

I'm noticed by the other and we have SO much fun!

I am a fool.

I am in love.

I am torn.

COMMENTS

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WeareLegionWeareOne
19:08 Aug 28 2016

There in lies MADNESS. You are already trapped in the web woven by fate, and the web may taste sweet and feel sensuous at first. In that web lies only insanity and the broken souls that were tempted into it before you.

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POST COMMENT

I want to drink with you.

I want to get high with you.

I want to dance with you.

You excite me so!

I want to run wild into the night with you!

To sip blood laced wine as we lay up under the stars.

To float into oblivion that is our euphoria

You excite me in ways he cannot.

Maybe that is why I cling to this illusion

To explore the dark and naughty

To try and taste what is forbidden

Find what I have been missing these last 5 years.

Last night was so nice!

So simple!

So fun!

Beer and a basket of fries under the moonlight.

It must be all in my head, this illusion!

The illusion that there could be more if I let it.

I belong with him and she wants you;

but I can't help but want you too.

Is it physical or is it a deeper connection?

I can't tell.

My time near you is running out.

I need to keep this illusion just that, an illusion.

I can't shake this feeling in my chest.
This tightness.
This pressure.
This pain.
What is this that I am feeling?
It must be true:
"If you don't get what you're missing, someone else will come to give it to you."
So what happens if that goes away?
Am I slowly becoming empty again?
Left forgotten by two?
This isn't cheating or unfaithfulness!
I just enjoyed our friendship-it made me whole where I was hollow.
But, what am I to do when I am no longer priority?
What am I to do when I am no longer the priority of two men??
I am no longer thought of first, spoken to first.
Maybe I'm just stupid.
Maybe
Maybe, I'm just lost or is it him, my love, that is lost.
I hope we find each other before it's too late.

I can't shake this feeling in my chest.

This tightness.

This pressure.

This pain.

What is this that I am feeling?

It must be true:

"If you don't get what you're missing, someone else will come to give it to you."

So what happens if that goes away?

Am I slowly becoming empty again?

Left forgotten by two?

This isn't cheating or unfaithfulness!

I just enjoyed our friendship-it made me whole where I was hollow.

But, what am I to do when I am no longer priority?

What am I to do when I am no longer the priority of two men??

I am no longer thought of first, spoken to first.

Maybe I'm just stupid.

Maybe

Maybe, I'm just lost or is him, my love, that is lost.

I hope we find each other before it's too late.

I don't know what it is about you!

Why you call to me so much.

Now you don't speak and I feel bereft.

No you don't speak and I feel you've left.

Though I didn't and couldn't have you.

Maybe unbeknownst to myself I did.

I don't know what it is about you!

Why you, why me?

Why did you have to be the things that were missing?

You make laugh and feel alive because you try.

You try! That's the biggest factor.

Did I want you because you were what I was missing in my life?

Did I want you because Satan wants a little fun, a little anarchy in my life?

I don't know what it is about you!

This is forbidden, I do not want this.

He is not you.

Yet he gives what you do not, except love. Never love.

I do not want him, I do not love him. Nor do I want it returned.

He is a distraction I want yet do not want.

It is you that I want.

He gives me smiles and laughter.

He gives me dancing, drinking and outings.

He gives me support and inclusion.

He entertains my weird and different.

He allows me to be myself.

What do you give me?

Confusion.

Tears.

Hurt.

Anger.

Exclusion.

Silence.

Brokenness.

Love, maybe.

Where has the man I fell in love with gone?

My heart bleeds.

I want to set myself afire!

You sit there and smile, you sit there and laugh and you sit there and drink.

You sit there content while I cry, while I writhe in anguish and build my heart hard against you.

How can you not see what you are doing?

You say I am petty and it's my problem to get over.

You say we are fine, our relationship not in danger.

I do not know if we are in the same relationship.



Is she your distraction? Or are you starting to believe the false pretenses you sell the group?

Is it them or is it me?

What will your choice be?

We are miles a part, yet I stress you when I need you?

You forget me and I am supposed to be fine?

You forget me and everything is the same?

I will NOT be forgotten!

Choose me or we will no longer be.

I never ask but I ask you because I am in love with you.

Will you choose them? Will you choose her?

Or will you choose the woman who loves you?