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so tonight is the last night of my visit with Baby Bats for christmas, and it sucks already I can feel the heart break setting in of saying goodbye to her again tomorrow. Hopefully I will be back in a couple weeks weather permitting for her birthday. I miss her around so much.
Today my little girl went to a church service with her mommy and mommy's friend.
The pastor is giving his sermon and at one point says "And Jesus asked , Who am I ?" as its all quiet in the church My baby girl answers with saying...BATMAN!
me too I would have been dying from laughing, I have nothing against religion, just want my girl to grow up a free thinker and decide for herself, not because me or anyone else tells her what to believe.
The Cave has opened
07:00 Dec 21 2016 Times Read: 711
So at about 11:30pm Dec. 20, 2016 my coven The Cave opened. I never planned to have one, just kinda became a project for me to play with. Thanks to LadyBloodMoon and BeautifulEnlightenment for everything and agreeing to help me on this journey. I couldnt do it on my own.
Thank You, ive been here awhile this is actually my second profile but became my main cuz more people know me on this. My first profile just got 11 year batty this month
seems everyone knew but me...
01:50 Dec 16 2016 Times Read: 736
the last couple months have been very hard for me dealing with my relationship ending and her and my daughter moving out. And issues had been brought to light during this about my life and relationship with my mom and being manipulated. As a child I did not realize this but in my reflection now while Ive sat alone thinking I see some of what could be my reasons for why I ended up how I am with depression, and borderline personality disorder. I have always had issues talking about my feelings and showing love, because growing up I didnt have that loving kinda relationship with my mom. I cant remember ever getting hugs or being told I love you, just because. I did from my grand parents, but they to moved away when I was young. Fear of abandonment, feeling unloved, not knowing how to show it openly in relationships. Until my daughter was born. With her all the issues I have with others no longer applied. With her I can show love and expresses it easily. Talking to my grandma today gave me a whole different view of things when I was growing up that I also looked at different when I was young. Even my grandma says I was manipulated. Idk how I am suppose to think of my life now. Accident pushed to the bac after my birth dad walked away? Child be manipulated to fear disappointing a mother. Self destructive child who had already thought of killing himself by 8 years old? I dont really know who I am or where I fit in anymore. I just want to be close to my daughter the one thing that makes my issues go away at least when I am with her.
Sorry but my psych nerd needs to let you know something....writing your thoughts like this in your journal is such an amazing thing. Every time you reflect and wright, you are releasing the negative and taking a chance on something unknown. There is so much strength in your words alone! The memories might hurt, but from that is such growth. You have so much power now. The power to break the cycle.
On the friend side - I am here if you ever need to talk or need a virtual hug! I know that you are hurting and you miss your baby girl. You are an amazing dad!
thank you, I have broken parts of my past, with the self destructive behavior I used to have, but urges still persist especially now. Its always been easier to write my thoughts in letters and I used songs that were part fantasy part my life, as I grew older it slowed finally in my late 30s.Ive never been good being alone, because my mind races and I am dngerous to myself if it gets too out of hand. Ive cried more the last couple months then my whole life combined, because I was brought up not to cry, not to be a sissy or baby..My daughter being gone is the worst feeling Ive ever dealt with. Another week and hopefully I will be with her for a couple days
So tis the season to be happy and cheerful and I sit stressing wondering if I will be able to be with my daughter for the holiday. Its 2 weeks away I have no way to go shopping to even get her some presents and sitting here alone feeling more helpless with life issues than I have ever felt in my life. I miss my baby everyday and dont want to be empty handed if I am able to see her, but time is running out... :(
Thanks CR i know people keep saying that, but it makes me feel bad if I cant at least have something for her to say it from her daddy
sadness of a daddy. . .
10:19 Dec 09 2016 Times Read: 830
its very hard to describe the feeling of emptiness of not having my little girl with me everyday. My little princess is my world and I was with her as a stay at home dad for a year, and in one night my life changed and broke my heart. I miss everything about being a daddy, I miss her with me everywhere I go, I miss holding her, and kissing her, and watching cartoon and music videos with her. I miss the words "Hi Daddy" in the mornings when she woke up and feeling her close when we were sleeping. inside I feel like I am dying when Im apart from her, and it is a struggle in my life to keep myself from doing something stupid while I sit here alone waiting to see her a couple days a month. I know some of my closest friends online are probably sick of hearing me talk about it and I apologize but I have nobody in my real life to talk to about it.
I am not a father yet but I can imagine the pain you must feel. I do not know what happen that you are not with your little girl but you sound like a good father. I hope one day you back with her. If more fathers cared and loved as you did well none of us would have to grow up with out dads. I wish my father had given half a shit that you do. He cared more about being drunk then his son. I am sure your little girl loves you and misses you too. Hold on to that you are and always will be her father and one day you WILL be with her again. I feel that in my heart. Keep expressing how you feel. Nothing wrong with that at all and I even find it beautiful... the love of a father for his child... Wish I had had a father like you.
I know that is not easy for you and I wish things would be get fixed so you can be with the little bat together for more than a few days. I wish and hope with all my heart for that. You are not alone Bats and never say that we are sick of hearing you. You are a friend and we are there for you
I am so sorry Bats, I feel for you. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to not to be able to see your child. I only get a small taste of that on the holidays when I am alone or only woth mother. If I could give you a hug, I would.
I know, i just feel I burden a lot of people with my depression and I know people get tired of hearing it
Elena a.k.a CR8054 support stamp
03:58 Dec 07 2016 Times Read: 880
An idea come up with Voelk and BeautifulEnlightenment ,So I took it and made up the graphic for Elena to help during this hard time. Place it on your profile somewhere to show your support . Too many people cant just accept people are different, and she doesnt need to be attacked for it.. Thanks!
Ok but i don't know this person and can someone explain to me for what or because of what she needs support? I am humanitarian always! But i need to know.
QZ Message me. I tell ya. And Elena ALWAYS will have my support.
PRIVATE ENTRY
08:38 Dec 06 2016 Times Read: 902
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
hhmm a coven...
08:14 Dec 06 2016 Times Read: 906
so after all these years I think I am gonna start a coven. Now to think of Name, theme, get graphics worked out. And have two old friends talking again to help me out with this. May never get any members but at least I can give it a try to keep my mind occupied.
Good luck my friend. :D When you open your Coven you will be always welcome into my alliance if you wish!
positive...?
07:43 Dec 05 2016 Times Read: 935
Be positive, be positive, be positive, its very hard when things around me seem to keep going wrong...but I am and will try to continue along this hard path in my life and get back to my little girl
Remember you are not alone..you have amazing heart and u share it with the ppl you love...life treats you bad ,thats it..things can change and can get better don't lose hope and yes stay positive..keep your spirit strong..i am here for you my friend..hugs you so tight..sending you much love
I realize we don't know each other, but your journal blurb caught my eye. Yes, you have to stay positive, no matter what. You have to keep your chin up and keep plugging along. Otherwise, what's the alternative? Letting them win? Being miserable during the short time you have here? Or ending your already shot time because you're so miserable? None of those options are pleasing, in my book. So, I stay positive. I keep keepin' on. Then, sometimes, it gets good. Sometimes it gets really good. And it's that good that helps me keep my sanity during the bad.
Also, you could look at it like this: If we didn't have the bad in our lives, we wouldn't be able to recognize and appreciate the good. We need it. We might not want it, but we need it.
Hope things get better for you. :)
thought of a mind going mad...
17:26 Dec 04 2016 Times Read: 949
There was a time not long ago, I felt life was finally gonna go right for me in some way. That feeling is gone, the things most important are gone, and now everyday is a struggle just to keep from slipping back to the ways of old when I used myself as a cutting board. People say remember that pretty little girl, and I do every minute of everyday and I also remember she is not with me everyday any longer. My Borderline Personality Disorder has caused relationship problems all my life. I am toxic to the people I love. Everyone leaves before too long, and I am left in a worse mess than before each time, and grow less trusting and more analytic to every word someone says to me. It would be easier to just be gone...to be extinct from the world I can not function properly in and am not wanted and can never be loved for what I am in. I ruin everything and cause endless problems and worries for those I love, and have grown tired of the pain of failure.
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