The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local A & E and a hippy is wheeled out on a hospital trolley. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues.

“So what was he doing then? Acid? Cannabis?”

“Sort of,” replies one of the hippies nervously, “But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a home-made spliff…”

“And what was in that?” asks the doctor.

“Erm, I kinda raided my girlfriends spice rack,” the hippy admitted ruefully: “There was a bit of cumin, some tumeric and, a little paprika…”

“Ah, that explains it!” The doctor exclaims, looking at him gravely, “He’s in a korma…”

After marrying a much younger woman, a middle-aged man finds that no matter what he does in the sack, she never achieves an orgasm. So he visits his doctor for some advice.

“Maybe fantasy is the answer,” the doctor suggests.

“Why not hire a strapping young man and, while you make love, have him wave a towel over you?”

The doctor smiles, “Make sure he’s totally naked – that way your wife can fantasise her way to an orgasm.”

Optimistic, the man returns home and hires a young escort. But it’s no use: even when the stud stands naked, waving the towel, the wife remains unsatisfied. Perplexed, the man returns to his doctor.

“Try reversing it for awhile,” says the doctor,” have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”

And so he returns home to try again – this time, waving the towel, as the same escort pumps away enthusiastically. Soon, the wife has an enormous screaming orgasm. Smiling, the husband drops the towel and taps the young man on the shoulder.

“You see,” he shouts triumphantly, “that’s the way to wave a bloody towel!”

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office. When she opens the door, she finds him with hi secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitation, he continues, “…and, in conclusion gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot manage with just one chair.

Q: What does an Aussie use for protection, during sex?



A: A bus-shelter.

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again...back and forth...back and forth...in and out...

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.

She was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay!

I can’t park the car!

You do it, you smug bastard!"

At dawn the telephone rings . . .

"Hello, Senor Rod?" This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your lake house in Bella Vista."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.""Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?" -- "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.”

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane?? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"

"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell?? Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a candle??!!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping i25 driver"

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!"