The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties.



One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.





Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.



"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.







The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.



The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.



When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.







As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.







After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"



Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.







Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.



Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"



"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

Two whales, a male and a female, were swimming side by side in the ocean.



Suddenly, the male whale spots a ship in the distance.



He recognises it as the whaling ship that killed his father.



Filled with anger, he says to his female companion, "That's the ship that killed my father!



Let's swim closer!"



When they were close enough, the male said, "Why don't we swim under the ship and blow air through our blow holes and break the ship into a million pieces?



That will be sweet revenge."



And the female agreed to this.



So they each took a deep breath of air, swam under the ship, and blew enormous amounts of air under the ship.



The ship flew into the air and crashed back to the sea and broke into a million pieces.



The pair of whales started to swim off when they realised that the sailors were not dead, but clinging to pieces of wood and floating in the ocean.



The male whale was furious and said to the female whale, "they're still alive, but I've got another idea.



Let's swim around and gulp up all the sailors!"



That's when the female stopped swimming, looked at the male and said,



"Oh No... I agreed to the blow job but I'm NOT swallowing the seamen."

It has been determined that the most used sexual position for old married couples is the doggie position.



The husband sits up and begs.



The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.



The next day, at the Gwinnet County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.



Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.



'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor.

'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'



The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as the 'Best come-back line ever.'

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RedQueen
23:29 Nov 27 2012

Rednecks...gotta love em- they make me look sane...lol

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Paddy and Mick worked together in St. John's and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.



When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, Panty Stitcher.



I sew the elastic onto ladies cotton panties and thongs.



The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.



Mick was next and when asked his occupation replied, "Diesel fitter."



Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.



When Paddy found out he was furious.



He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.



The clerk explained, "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.



"What skill?" yelled Paddy.



I sew the elastic on the panties and the thongs.



Mick puts them over his head and says:"Yep, diesel fitter"

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dabbler
02:52 Nov 22 2012

a classic.

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Son said to Dad “I'm Gay.”

Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”

Other son said “Me too Dad.”

Dad said “Fuck me, doesn't anyone in this fucking family like pussy?”

The Daughter said “I do…”







10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.



At the Pearly Gates St Peter says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can f**k off down to Hell.”



Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf bastard with you.”







In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath.



Answer; throw in your washing.

We were all having a good laugh about this, when this big bastard tapped me on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny.



My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”

I said “Sorry mate. Did he drown?”

“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”







The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse.”

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first….







My mate reckons he always cries after sex.



Mind you....he is in Prison.







The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you?”

I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”







Nearly shagged a Lady boy last night.

Picked him up in a night club.



He Looked like a woman.



Smelled like a woman.



Danced like a woman.



Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement…!



That's when I thought “Fucking wait a minute…”







I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”

He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing. …then said, “That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”

“Not really.” he said.



“I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.”

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.



At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.



He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.



"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.



"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of His mouth, just to shut her up.



This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"



He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"



One day, Camilla decided to accompany her 'husband'.



As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.



He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.



Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.



Then, the hooker yelled:

"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

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dabbler
21:04 Nov 09 2012

Classic.

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