The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

Two kids were arguing in the playground.

“My dad’s a better darts player than your dad,” said the first boy.

“No he ain’t,” said the second boy. “My dad got the highest score last week.”

“OK, OK, but my mum’s better than your mum.”

“Yeah, alright, my dad says the same thing.”

The timid man was put in jail for jaywalking and found himself sharing a cell with a huge brute of a man – 19 stone, hairy and rough and doing life for murder.

“Now let’s get one thing sorted out straight away,” he snarled, “are you going to be the husband or the wife?”

Terrified of the consequences, the poor man stuttered “I, I’ll – er – be the husband,” thinking it was the better of two evils.

“Okay, husband, grinned the brute. “Get down on your knees and suck your wife’s dick.”

“Darling,” said his wife, “if I died before you, do you think you would get married again?”

“Maybe,” he replied.

“And would you do all the little things we did together.”

“Maybe.”

“Would you give her my special golf clubs?”

“Oh no, she’s right handed.”

Awhile back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.



I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.



She ordered the most expensive items on the menu, Shrimp cocktail; Lobster Patron; Champagne.



I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"



"No," she replied, "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight."



I said, "Would you care for dessert?"

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.



.



A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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birra
01:20 May 12 2012

There is always that risk of sexually transmitted ammo...

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“I’m sorry, dad, I think I’ve let you down.”

“Why’s that, son?”

“Yesterday we had to do our first parachute jump and when it came to my turn, I just froze, I couldn’t make myself take that final step.”

“So what happened?”

“The instructor told me if I didn’t jump, he’d fuck me up the arse.”

“So did you jump?”

“I did a little, at first.”

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ShatteredMirror
01:12 May 12 2012

O.o



Painful!

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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman.



"That's disgraceful!



Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman...



As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!



How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health fund."

COMMENTS

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XbluesandX
14:05 May 09 2012

Lmao...

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