The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock,

The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.

He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,

The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.



He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank,

And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.

'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,

'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'





The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt,

She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.

But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free,

And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.



He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down,

If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.

Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim,

He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.





He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks,

And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.

He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam,

He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam



The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip.

He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.

At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath,

She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.





She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side,

He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.

Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed,

He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.



The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.

He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,

He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea,

But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.





He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view,

For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.

And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch,

The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'



The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car,

The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far

So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks,

Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

COMMENTS

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moonkissed
01:54 Mar 31 2012

I love the jokes you post.

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moonkissed
04:40 Mar 31 2012

I stole it to share :)

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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away..



She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'



He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'



So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.



One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.



After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.



She said, 'That was incredible!'



He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'



So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.



After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.



He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'



'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey!'

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.



'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.



Murphy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds.



So they hid in the bushes.



They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.



It is a Police Officer.



'Allo, Allo, Allo, What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.



'Ta be shure, O'im making love to me missus,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.



'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'





'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'

Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly.



"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking,

How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

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spookshow
13:54 Mar 21 2012

Love Billy his humour is magic to my ears

he's an awesome man all round...

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To make it straight, she pulls it.

To make it stand, she rubs it.

To make it stiff, she licks it.

To put it in, she pushes it.

It's hell of a job threading a needle!



A guy donated blood to his girlfriend. When they broke up, he wanted his blood back.

The girl threw a bloody kotex ( Tampon ) at him and said, 'I'll pay you in monthly instalments.'





Girl in cinema turns sideways and whispers to her boyfriend.

'The man next to me is masturbating!'

BF: 'Ignore him.'

GF: 'I can't.'

BF: 'Why not?'

GF: 'He is using my hand!'



The Bio teacher draws a huge PENIS on the board and asks, 'Does anybody know what this is?'

Dirty Harry says, 'Oh, it's a penis and you know my dad's got 2 of them?'

The teacher says, '2 of them?'

Harry says, 'Ya! The little one he uses to pee, and the big one to brush mum's teeth.'





4 miracles of a woman:

Getting wet without taking a shower

Bleeding without getting hurt

Giving milk without eating grass

Making boneless meat hard.



What is the smallest hotel in the world?

The answer is 'Vagina Inn'

It accommodates only 1 standing occupant with his 2 baggage’s left outside.



Unborn twins saw a penis approaching.

1st: Papa coming, papa coming.

2nd: You fool, it's uncle! Papa never comes with a raincoat!





A hubby said to his wife, 'I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it.'

The wife said to husband, 'I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it.'



At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.

At 25, she is the PRIZE.

At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.

At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.

At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE, and

at 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE.





What did Snow White complain about after having sex with the 7 dwarfs?

Snow White said, 'I would rather have 7 inches at 1 time.

Not 1 inch 7 times.'



The vagina is the world's best rehabilitation / correction centre.

Even the most violent and aggressive penis comes out humbled, head bowed and reduced in size.



A loving husband had 'I Love You' tattooed on his dick.

When he got home, he showed it to his wife.

She said, 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth.'

COMMENTS

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Slain
01:54 Mar 21 2012

::laughs:: Bravo.

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Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.



LATER:



Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other,

'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'

The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'





THE NEXT DAY:



A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'



LATER:



A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'



COME THE EVENING:



There's this blonde out for a walk.

She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,

'You ARE on the other side.'



THAT EVENING:



A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,

then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'





BACK ON THE ROAD:



A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back,

'IT'S A SCARF!'



AT THE LIBRARY:



A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied,

'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'



PARTYING:



A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn.

She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature.

Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'





VISITING:



A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde.

'They're watch dogs'

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.



He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"



The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."



The guy says,"$500 dollars! For a hand-job!

Holy crap!



No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"



The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's (Restaurant) on the corner?



"Yes."



"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"



"Yes."



"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"



"Yes."



"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those...



And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once... I'll give it a try...”



They retire to a nearby motel.



A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.



He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"



The hooker replies, "$1,500."



"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"



The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.



Do you see that casino just across the street?



I own that casino outright.



And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500.



The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put of the new car for another year or so and says, "Sign me up."



Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.



He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.



He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.



He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"



The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.



Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us?



All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?"



"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"



"No," the hooker replies, "but I would... if I had a pussy."

COMMENTS

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Eilidh
21:04 Mar 16 2012

Rofl! Wow...

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On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .....



At the town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde Welsh waitress, "Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?"



The girl leaned over and said,"Burrr.... Gurrr.... King."

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.



Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love

and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."



Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,



Mr. Smith replies,

"Well Bruce, you are only 10.. Where will you two live?"



Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,

"InJenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."



Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live?

You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."



Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week

and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."



Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this.



"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.



I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have

little children of your own?"



Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."



Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable..

COMMENTS

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skyrah
13:28 Mar 13 2012

enjoyd readin

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moonkissed
15:27 Mar 13 2012

ha ha ha ha

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Eilidh
22:08 Mar 13 2012

ROFLMAO! Good one

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A police motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.

The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!





So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.



The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual

Orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.



The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird.



When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower Right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.



The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and When presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.



The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!"



Two months later they're in court.



The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.



On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.



Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a Reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"



Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."



Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"



"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," Underlined."



"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”



"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"



“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”

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ladykate
01:50 Mar 12 2012

hahaha good one

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Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.



Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club.



Let's you and me stop in."

"But we're privates," protests Jasper.

"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.



"Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.



"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes.



"We're sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy.

"You’re cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhoea' means.



If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.



Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.



"Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhoea affects only the privates."



He points to his stripes, "But we're sergeants now."

Phone rings, woman answers.



Heavy breather "I bet you have a tight c--t with no hair?"



Woman "Yes, he's watching TV - who shall I say is calling?

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.



When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic.



He immediately started asking her out when they got home.



Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.



Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums.



Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love.



Every date seemed better than the last.



On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant.



While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,



"I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.



I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.



So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.



I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV.



In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf.



If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"



Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem.



I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."



Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

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ladykate
01:51 Mar 12 2012

Oh snap! hahaha

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A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint



when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'



The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'



So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.



After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.





The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.



A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.



Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'



The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.



The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.



The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'



So the koala looked down at him and said, 'FAAAAAARK..!!!!! dude...

How much water did you drink!?'

COMMENTS

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LadyCara
03:37 Mar 03 2012

Lmao, love it.

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ladykate
01:55 Mar 12 2012

and that children is why we don't do drugs lol

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