Teacher: if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teachers: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
The now very angry Teacher: Where in the Hell do you get seven from?!?!?
The now very frustrated Johnny: Because I've already got an f*coin' cat at home!!!
[[The dime store romance novel]]
He grasped me firmly but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room.
Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly from behind and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down.
I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves, slowly but steadily.
My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care.
His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up to my thighs I gave a slight shudder and partly closed my eyes.
My pulse was pounding.
I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders and slid them down my tingling spine.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant.
This is a man, I thought.
A man used to taking charge.
A man not used to taking 'No' for an answer.
A man who would tell me what he wanted.
A man who would look into my soul and say…
"Okay ma'am, you’re cleared.
You can board your flight now."
> Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once
> Talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.
>
> The winner was:
>
> 1. A four-year-old child, whose next door
> neighbor was an elderly gentleman, who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old Gentleman's' yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.
> When his mother asked him what he had
> said to the neighbor, the little boy just said, 'Nothing, I just Helped him cry.'
>
> *********************************************
>
> 2. Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were
> discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
> A little girl said, 'I know all about
> Adoption, I was adopted..'
>
> 'What does it mean to be adopted?', asked
> another child.
>
> 'It means', said the girl, 'that you grew
> in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!'
>
> ************************ *********************
>
> 3. On my way home one day, I stopped to
> watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-
> base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was 'We're behind 14 to nothing,' he answered with a smile.
>
> 'Really,' I said. 'I have to say you don't look very discouraged.'
>
> 'Discouraged?', the boy asked with a
> Puzzled look on his face...
>
> 'Why should we be discouraged? We haven't
> Been up to bat yet.'
>
> *********************** **********************
>
> 4. Whenever I'm disappointed with my spot
> in life, I stop and think about little Jamie Scott.
>
> Jamie was trying out for a part in the
> school play. His mother told me that he'd set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen..
>
> On the day the parts were awarded, I went
> with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed to her, eyes shining with pride and >excitement.. 'Guess what, Mom,' he
> shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me....'I've been chosen to clap and cheer.'
>
> *********************************************
>
> 5. An eye witness account from New York
> City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the
> roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
>
> A lady approached the young boy and said,
> 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'
>
> 'I was asking God to give me a pair of >shoes,'was the boy's reply.
>
> The lady took him by the hand, went into
> the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
>
> She took the little fellow to the back
> part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
>
> By this time, the clerk had returned with
> the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes..
>
> She tied up the remaining pairs of socks
> and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now..'
>
> As she turned to go, the astonished kid
> caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her.
> 'Are you God's wife?'
If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational......
The Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!
And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wankers.
COMMENTS
"...reminds me why I do voluntary work and wake up the next day, with an aching back."
Subject: Fw: Reap what you sow
I love this story, enjoy again if you have read it before. May God bless you today.
REAP WHAT YOU SOW
Good morning said a woman as she walked up to the man sitting on ground. The man slowly looked up. His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before.. "Leave me alone," he growled.... She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows. "Are you hungry?" she asked. "No," he answered sarcastically. "I've just come from dining with the president. Now go away." Just then a policeman came up. "Is there any problem, ma'am?" he asked.. "No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?" The officer scratched his head. "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?" "See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile." "Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in there!" Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up. "Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything." " This is a good deal for you, Jack" the officer answered. "Don't blow it." Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner. The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by his table. "What's going on here, officer?" he asked. "What is all this, is this man in trouble?" "This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered. "Not in here!" the manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that here is bad for business.." The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled... "Sir, are you familiar with Eddy and Associates, the banking firm down the street?" "Of course I am," the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms." I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company." "Oh." The woman smiled again. "I thought that might make a difference." She glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a giggle. "Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?" The cafeteria manager turned on his heel, "I'll get your coffee for you right away, officer." The officer watched him walk away. "You certainly put him in his place," he said. "That was not my intent. Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this." She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest. She stared at him intently.. "Jack, do you remember me?" Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes. "I think so -- I mean you do look familiar." "I was just out of college," the woman began. "I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything. Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat." Jack lit up with a smile. "Now I remember," he said.. "I was behind the serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat. I said that it was against company policy." "I know," the woman continued. "Then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to a corner table and enjoy it.. I was afraid that you would get into trouble... Then, when I looked over and saw you put the price of my food in the cash register, I knew then that everything would be all right." "I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I started my own business that, with the help of God, prospered." She opened her purse and pulled out a business card.. "When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons...He's the personnel director of my company. I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for you to do around the office." She smiled. "I think he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet... If you ever need anything, my door is always opened to you." There were tears in the old man's eyes. "How can I ever thank you?" he said. "Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. Thank Jesus... He led me to you." Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways..... "Thank you for all your help, officer," she said. "On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle today, something that I will never forget. And..And thank you for the coffee." If you have missed knowing me, you have missed nothing. If you have missed some of my emails, you might have missed a laugh.. But, if you have missed knowing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, you have missed everything in the world. Have a Wonderful Day. May God Bless You Always and don't forget that when you "cast your bread upon the waters," you never know how it will be returned to you...
A man suffered a sudden serious heart attack, and had immediate lifesaving open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a weak voice, “No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied. "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you with the cost?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated, and said loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
COMMENTS
ROFL!
good one
^_^ thats funny :D
A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget.
Furious, she screams, "You promised you wouldn't cheat again .... !"
The husband replies, "For God's sake, woman, can't you see I'm trying to cut down ......."
COMMENTS
LMAO
OMG! where do you get this stuff! ^_^
Man is a woman's best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels that she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that.
Sorry.
Sorry.
COMMENTS
*laughs* I was going to say... Man?
Nice lol
thats nice...i mean the wine. LOL :)
A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...
'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
'Sure will'
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
'That's terrific!' said the cowboy.
'Got any more tips?'
'Yep,' said the old man.
'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here.
Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.
COMMENTS
-
ladySnowStrixx
21:22 Jun 24 2011
laughing my ass off, too funny
hellkid
01:00 Jul 01 2011
OMG that is so funny!!!!