The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

An Aussie living in London went into the butcher's for a sheep's head.



"Fred", the butcher shouted to his mate "One sheep's head for the gent here.



"I want a real Australian sheep's head, the smartalicky Aussie remarked.



"Righto" said the butcher, then turned and yelled "Fred, take the brains out"

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.



The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."



"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.



"And you can talk!"

Exclaims the barman.



"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.



"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"



"Certainly, sorry about that," Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.



"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"



"I'm working on the building site across the road,"



Explains the duck.



"I'm a plasterer."



The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.



So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich,



bids the barman good day and leaves.



The same thing happens for two weeks.



Then one day the circus comes to town.



The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.

He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"



"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.



"Get him to give me a call."



So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."



"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.



"Where is it?"



"At the circus,"



Says the barman.



"The circus?" Repeats the duck.



"That's right," Replies the barman.



"The circus?"







The duck asks again with the big tent?"



"Yeah," the barman replies.



"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.



"Of course," the barman replies.



"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.



"That's right!" says the barman.



The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .... .....

> .

> .

> .

> ..

"Why would they want a plasterer??!"

COMMENTS

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dabbler
18:53 Jun 29 2010

haha.. ah Haha

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How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?





Golden Retriever:





The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?









Border Collie:





Just one.



And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.









Dachshund:





You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!









Rottweiler:





Make me.









Boxer:





Who cares?



I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.









Lab:





Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!









German Shepherd:





I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.









Jack Russell Terrier:





I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.









Old English Sheep Dog:





Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!









Cocker Spaniel:





Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.









Chihuahua:





Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or 'We don't need no stinking light bulb.'









Greyhound:





It isn't moving. Who cares?









Australian Shepherd:





First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...









Poodle:





I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it..



By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.











How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?





Cats do not change light bulbs.



People change light bulbs.



So, the real question is:



'How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?'

To prepare for his big date, a young man went to the rooftop of his apartment building to

work on his tan.







Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.







Unfortunately, he fell asleep and his toggy, was sun burnt.







Being very determined, he decided not to miss his date with the hot blonde, so, he put some ointment on the beast and wrapped it in gauze.





The young man's date, a beautiful blonde, showed up at his apartment for the promised home cooked meal, and was treated to a feast.





After they finished with the dinner they went into the living room to watch a movie.







During the movie, the young man's sunburn began to hurt.





After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused.







A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain, so he went to the kitchen, poured a tall glass of cold milk, and placed his sunburned member into the milk.







He experienced immediate relief.





The blonde, wondering what the young man was doing, wandered into the kitchen And found him with his "tool" immersed in the glass of milk.







With a look of understanding the Blonde exclaimed, "SO, THAT'S HOW YOU RELOAD THOSE THINGS"

COMMENTS

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LadyRayneofDarklight
05:51 Jun 19 2010

*flails and giggles* That's so wrong!!!!! But sooooo hilarious!

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dabbler
01:57 Jun 20 2010

Go on now .. Haw haw! It gains something with the varied eupamisms it does!

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ladyofdragonrose
03:37 Jun 30 2010

roflmao.. i love a good blonde joke!

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A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.



He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff.



None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.



The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.



She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."



After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.



"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."



This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.



After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce,” I have to get something.





Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"



She left the door to his room open on her way out.



He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....



After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room.



"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.



Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?





Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"



After a pause, the doctor confessed..... "Not with a Daffodil."

COMMENTS

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bloodyfairy
02:16 Jun 14 2010

Now thats a good one....serves him right.

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Therra
03:44 Jun 14 2010

This is just unbelievable lol

Thank you for sharing!!!

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On 15:52:39 Jun 11 2010 (-0 GMT) Angelus wrote:



"A - wooooooo!!"



Do you still want it?





On 15:54:36 Jun 11 2010 (-0 GMT) ************ wrote:



of cos!



thank f.. frell. just made it and made it into a size I can send.

GOLFER'S HONEYMOON

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.



Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.



As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.



He said 'How bad is it doc?



I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin - in every way'



The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.



It should be okay next week.'



He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.



The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.



That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.



She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'



He immediately drops his pants and replies, .....'Look at this, .....still in the CRATE

A Drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.



He turns to the astonished patrons.



'I'll make you a deal.



I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.



Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute.



'Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'



The crowd murmured their approval.



The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.



The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.



After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile really, really hard on the top of its head.



The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.



The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.



The man stood up again and made another offer.



'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'



A hush fell over the crowd.



After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.



A blonde woman timidly Spoke up.......... 'I'll try it –



Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!'

A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants.







"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.





"You dirty bastard" shouts the barmaid, "Get out before I get my husband."







The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.







The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.





"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off."



She says, "You dirty filthy pervert!







You're banned.







Get out!!"



Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.



"One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?"



"I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."



The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.



"What's up love?" he asks.



"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.



"I'll kill him.







Where is he?" storms the husband.



"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.



"Right, He's dead!" says the husband reaching for a cricket bat.



"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries!



The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.



"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.



"Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness!!"

COMMENTS

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TaintedPoison
01:27 Jun 07 2010

omg thats wrong

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dabbler
22:02 Jun 09 2010

Chuckle..

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