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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.



The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.



Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.



He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.



To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.







The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"



"No, what?"



"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"







"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."



The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.







Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.



He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.



The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.



He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.







Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.



The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"



"No, what?" replied the man.



"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"







"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.



"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

COMMENTS

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dabbler
01:51 Jul 22 2013

a classic.

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POST COMMENT

A wise man once said ignore most of what comes out of a woman's mouth unless you have to wipe it and put it back into your trousers!



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The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ass".

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.



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Penis breath, a lover's dread, Is what you get when you give head.

Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee.







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My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job.

Pretty funny when you think about it because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a cunt.







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The wife came out of the bathroom and said ''I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you''



I said ''Yeah the fuck'n drain is blocked again''







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A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.



A woman asks, 'What are you?'



He says, "I'm a Fireman'"



"But you're only wearing a glass jar!" says the woman.



"Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"



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A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.



The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.



The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"



The girl says, "This is my date.



When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze.



Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."



The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke.



" She says, "Yeah?



Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."



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COMMENTS

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NellMorgan
23:39 Jul 15 2013

Lol XD

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captainglobehead
00:03 Jul 16 2013

OK...I tried to anticipate the punchline to the last one and it caught me off guard. I really laughed out loud.

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BLOODLIFE
00:47 Jul 16 2013

Needed something light to make me giggle. Thanks.

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dabbler
01:54 Jul 22 2013

snort

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POST COMMENT

A magician was working on a cruise ship.



Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again.



There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.



Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"



The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.



Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.

The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.



They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.



This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...



"OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?"

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.



"What happened?" she asks anxiously.



"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened.



I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.



I get home... and guess what I found?



Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed!



This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage.



I'm done.



I'm leaving forever!"



"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law.



"There is something very odd going on here.



Jean would never do such a thing!



There must be a simple explanation.



I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."



Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile."



I told you there must be a simple explanation...



she didn't receive your E-mail!"