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WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS????



A drunk man who smelled like beer



sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face



was plastered with red lipstick,



and

a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking



out of his torn coat pocket.



He

opened his newspaper and



began reading.



After a few minutes the man



turned to the priest and asked,



'Say Father,

what causes arthritis?'



The priest replies, 'My Son, it's



caused by loose living,



being with

cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,

sleeping around with prostitutes



and lack of a bath.'



The drunk muttered in response,



'Well, I'll be damned, '



Then returned to

his paper.



The priest, thinking about what



he had said, nudged the man



and

apologized. 'I'm very sorry.



I didn't mean to come on so strong.



How long

have you had arthritis?'



The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father.



I was just reading here

that the Pope does.'





























MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

COMMENTS

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NLW
19:18 Jan 30 2010

Hehehehee!

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Theban
18:20 Feb 03 2010

Lol, bet that's not all the Pope has!

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In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following:



"The best engine in the world is the vagina.

It can be started with one finger.

It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.

And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

It is only a pity that the management system is so temperamental.

COMMENTS

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crowgirl
17:16 Jan 29 2010

0.o omg lol

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Theban
18:17 Feb 03 2010

I have to tell her in doors this one! lol

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A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods. To find out what the par is for this damn hole."

COMMENTS

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Theban
19:00 Jan 27 2010

Very good.

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Sinora
19:14 Jan 27 2010

lol

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Guardian
19:31 Jan 27 2010

Excellent!

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ladyofdragonrose
20:48 Jan 27 2010

lmao thats a good one!

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THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION



In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....



And BBQ's......



He created night for going prawning,

sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.





On the Second Day, God created water....for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.



On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..



On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans, chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.



On the Fifth day God created a Bloke

to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.





On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.



On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...



Well.... Almost good.....



He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.





So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.....



It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

THIS IS WHY WE LOVE OLD PEOPLE.



A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.



On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.



While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"



The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, “Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket..

Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"



"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.

We'll be there in no time."



The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"



The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose.

How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"



The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

COMMENTS

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Sinora
09:59 Jan 25 2010

*Big* grin.

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Theban
13:18 Jan 25 2010

Wow what a dirty old lady lol

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Lovise
15:42 Jan 25 2010

I missed you...

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What I Want In A Man!



Original List , What I want in a man (age 22)

1. Handsome

2. Charming

3. Financially successful

4. A caring listener

5. Witty

6. In good shape

7. Dresses with style

8. Appreciates finer thing

9. Full of thoughtful surprises

10. An imaginative, romantic lover





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking

2. Opens car doors, holds chairs

3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

4. Listens more than talks

5. Laughs at my jokes < /span>

6. Carries bags of groceries with ease

7. Owns at least one tie

8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal

9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

10. Seeks romance at least once a week



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly

2. Doesn't drive off until I 'm in the car

3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

4. Nods head when I'm talking

5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes

6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach

8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids

9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down

10. Shaves most weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed

2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public

3. Doesn't borrow money too often

4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting

5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times

6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends

7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear

8. Appreciates a good TV dinner

9. Remembers your name on occasion

10. Shaves some weekends



What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children

2. Remembers where bathroom is

3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

4. Only snores lightly when asleep

5. Remembers why he's laughing

6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself

7. Usually wears some clothes

8. Likes soft foods

9. Remembers where he left his teeth

10. Remembers that it's the weekend





What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing

2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

COMMENTS

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Theban
13:17 Jan 24 2010

Lol

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ladyofdragonrose
15:59 Jan 25 2010

aint it the truth! lmao

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So let me get this right: a British bank, propped up by the tax-payer, helps an American company, already in debt, to buy out a British institution, when that same bank and, others like it, won’t lend money to those ‘little men’ who need it??

COMMENTS

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Theban
20:19 Jan 23 2010

You mean WE actually have a British bank??

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Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.



She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.



I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.



Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

COMMENTS

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crowgirl
21:29 Jan 22 2010

roflmao :D i love you!

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Theban
20:18 Jan 23 2010

That is bloody funny!

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handtoscreenyoyourwordsthatthattouchedanotherjustthisverysecond.thank you my friends.

COMMENTS

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Lovise
01:28 Jan 20 2010

A friend is a sun.

A friend is a moon.

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ladyofdragonrose
07:25 Jan 20 2010

what friends do best :)

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On 00:03:01 Jan 20 2010 (-0 GMT) Angelus wrote:



am holding paste, as in cut and ...

two things going on, creativity and anger.



On 23:50:32 Jan 19 2010 (-0 GMT) ****** wrote:



can't wait!

^.^

.. damn. oh .. oh OH. I just learnt of the words that someone has written about someone I like and was full of malicious nastiness; written about someone caring,who had cared for her .. until, she had shown naight but scorn, through inaction and ineptitude. Her words are malicious nastinss. Oh, did I say that? I need to finish my tea, for my stomach is roiling; after having read the horrible words of Deirdl. Hmmm. Can't spell.

And, besides all the things I do like about VR, there’s the people, some really kind and intelligent; and funny and generous of nature, who I’ve encountered during my time on the site. Aye, sometimes, just sometimes, I want to list everyone: just to give them the credit I feel they deserve.

COMMENTS

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ladyofdragonrose
07:27 Jan 20 2010

your one in a million Neil....





:) enough said!

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“I’m sorry,” she had written when I told her I have been told I have Osteo-Arthritis.



“Heck..” I retorted, “I always thought I just had the type that meant an operation every two or three years least I know it has a name.”

COMMENTS

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ladyofdragonrose
17:03 Jan 18 2010

ah that just means more character lines my friend. passes the bottle of joint cream. :) I share it lol

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Lovise
00:09 Jan 19 2010

It may have a name, but don't give up.

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Films fill our lives and, the coincidences that seem to surround them also. There’s the movie that breaks your heart, as it reminds you of an ex, or the one that stimulates the mind: and then, there are the film that just seem to jump into our life and go ‘BOO’ at you.



For example, when I was about sixteen, a lot of years ago, I took it into my head to go watch the Adam West, Lorenzo Semple jr. ‘Batman’, as it was on the flicks, then a week later it was on t.v.



I went to see a double bill of Elvis Presley films, then they were on the t.v., the two of ‘em, in the same week.



And then, this week, I went to Karls and he had ‘Serenity’ on, a film I love. Needless to say, I had to go early, so missed the end. So what was on t.v this week? ‘Serenity’.



Best still, when I returned to the room, to see how the tape was going, the film was on the section it was when I left Karl’s on Sunday.



Then, Mike went to some trouble, to acquire ‘Alien Resurrection’, for me: and what was on t.v. tonight? You guessed it, ‘Alien Resurrection.’

Since I was eighteen and some bright spark decided to tell me I was intelligent, I’ve had an interest in learning and learning styles.



And, recently I’ve encouraged someone to write part of their own story, based the time they spent working on the ferries.



Now, during the time of Henry the Eighth their ships had a portion of the ship that was called the Forecastle; and, as I grew and studied such things with my Father, I’d understood that as the ‘Forcasle,’ yet I’ll admit I’m unsure of this word, that is a derivative of another.



And then, as I begin to proof-read a piece of work that I found fascinating anyway, I’d been tickled pink, to read his version of the word, which he called a ‘Fucks All.’

'how am I feeling?' she asked.





very stoned and feeling very thoughtful, yet positive.



BOING! [and VERY sexual!]

COMMENTS

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ladyofdragonrose
16:32 Jan 16 2010

:) Im so glad I asked the question....

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So the Irish democratic first minister Peter Robinson has stepped down to defend his name and, look after his wife Iris, currently undergoing ‘acute psychiatric care:’ and, he is blaming the exposé of her actions on the BBC, while no doubt further revelations will come forth.



I find it interesting that one half of Irelands political golden couple is undoing such care, whilst her cuckold husband had taken on Sinn Fein, whilst she embezzled fifty grand and enjoyed the company of a nineteen year old: but, it’s not called adultery, it’s called psychiatric care.



And yeah, then there was the case today, of a woman driving a jeep, whilst using a mobile phone, kinda very middle-class: and she drives into a kills a young housewife and she walks from court: as she’s, get ready for it, under psychiatric care.



Now that one is interesting: why was she driving, if she was that ill? And further, why was she allowed to be out using a mobile phone, whilst driving, to kill, if she needs to be under psychiatric care? I’ll lay odds the victim’s family are thinking similarly.



And, I’m watching the news with me Dad, who reminds me that ‘they’ [the public] think ‘they’ have it hard under the current weather conditions: when he was a despatch rider at fifteen, for the Home-guard, driving quite large bikes, in the dark, with no street-lamps, ‘coz of being sighted by bombers; and only a slit in the blacking covering the main lamp on his motorbike to see with, as he traversed the roads, in all kinds of weather.



And yes, he’s right: though instead of his comparison, I have one from a time nearer to now: the Seventies and the power strikes during mid-winter. Sheesh, just imagine the sproglets, having to do without electric lights, televisions and X-Box, in the peak of mid-winter. Oh yes, I’d chuckle. Maybe after a week of so, the little sproglets might start to appreciate what they do have, for a change.

COMMENTS

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ladyofdragonrose
05:06 Jan 12 2010

i totally agree...

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