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I sit cross-legged on the side of my bed with my fingers dancing over the keyboard and write as I listen to a BBC Doctor Who Audio 'Sick Building', through my headphones while it pours down outside, the droplets hitting the pane really hard.

As ever at an early morningtime, my mind goes whirlygig.

I did find my hat, my black leather cap. And, no-one noticed for days. Needless to say, I'd found that funny, to say the very least. I'd decided to dust, well vacuum and, the best machine to use for a small room like mine sits in a cardboard box in the back hall cupboard. I'd got it out and emptied all the contents, knowing full well that I'd need certain parts, which had lain at the bottom. And there, at the bottom had been my hat, my black leather cap.

I'd gone out, to the shops to get what Dad had needed, missing two buses on my way. That had irked me somewhat, but there had been the distinct amusement I'd found from realising that no-one had noticed my cap's reappearance, that is until I'd gone for a drink and greeted Keith with a smile at The Merebrook.

And, there are certain things I like: I like my shake, a blend of banana, blueberry and single cream. Although my nutritionist at The Royal says she doesn't know what she can do for me, Hannah does seem pleased when I remind her that I have one every day. With one of those every day and an Ensure drink I do manage every day and, I do have my new 'treat' - a blend of banana, blueberry and double cream, then placed in a tupperware tub and into the fridge to set.

And as I say, Hannah asks me, “What can I do for you?”
“Just do as you do,” I reply, almost every time she says this.
I know I'm a pragmatist, seeking reflection and she provides that for me, every time I see her.
And so it is. The problem for me was learning she was pregnant and I'd soon lose it.

We had spoken last and, I'd enquired of her if she would introduce me to her replacement, asking her if she would still be seeing me on her return and, I'd been thankful that she could oblige me with both requests. I do seek reflection and I know it and my sense of self means that I seek it to know and learn of me and my body.

I've had to learn of me, these last few years, since I got ill and have little help from those I should've been able to reply on, the white-coats, who seemingly know so much more than me and, sometimes do not. Yet, I am aware of what I don't know and, that's a lot. Thankfully I do have Hannah, to act as the reflection I need, as I need and hopefully she knows I appreciate that...

And talking of appreciation, I'm glad of my banana, blueberry and double-cream sweet. As I think of having my mackerel and barley soup, I recall that I have a small portion of my banana, blueberry and double-cream sweet left in a tupperware tub in the fridge.

Then there was 'the fall', during which friends disappointed and I lost memory and a lot more. There had been several possible causes, an old age and the weather are in there. Either way, mit happened.

I'd ended up walking from Wallasey to Birkenhead, at stupid 0'clock of the morning and very very
slowly recovering, whilst dealing with ramifications of said fall, some of which had been distinctly physical.

And the damage I did to my knees led to a question. “Why on earth can't flesh be made of the same material as schoolboy's trousers?
['tis what I wear and they survived – teflon in the weave, I am told].

Then the other day at the doctors, I saw the receptionist who has caused me hassle, so decided to wait patiently. As I stood waiting a late fifties to early sixties middle-class blonde rang the bell in impatience.
“Don''t you believe in waiting?” I'd asked and she'd looked stunned then started on me, “Well, it says ring the bell and...”
“I know,” I'd replied.
Now twice before, women of 'her type' have butted in and, when that particular receptionist had been on and too often have I put up with it. Well, thankfully this time I hadn't.
For a change I'd been a little assertive.

And, a mention of mobile phone misuse led to me contacting Radio Merseyside, to voice my opinion. Then, having got on air, I'd said my piece and, ended up speaking of me, in an open manner and therefore, most unlike me, or the old me that is. 'coz of late, I have been acting a little more forthright than usual and, I do tend not to have a problem in that area, usually.

*

Carillion
Capita
Esther McVie
mental health and PiP...

the times they are a changin

*


Weeks afterward, and I'm still dead chuffed I found the hat, at the bottom of the box containing the vacuum cleaner. I'm just thankful I'd decided to hoover the dust bunnies from beneath my bed that day.] And in truth it's finding was helpful, as since the fall I've felt less confident in going out and feel less confident in general.

The hats helps me feel like me; just like the wearing of the trenchcoat, again.

I saw the dentist on Friday 'bout the denture, with a face that had been swollen right for days, from the injections I had during the roots extraction.

Meanwhile, Dad keeps busy: as ever.

And then, afterwards and I'm getting used to the tooth, my brother turns up, announces he's staying over and, asks me to dress his foot, where they have amputated two toes, 'coz of gangrene. Well, much as my Father kept saying you haven't got what you need, we did – me, that and the medical supplies Ian had in a box he arrived with.

Cleaning out the wound had taken me back to my days as a care-assistant, when I used to often do jobs like that, jobs that others didn't want to do. And, one thing... he did say 'thank you.'

And talking of surprising, I'd walked from my room, to go to the kitchen to make coffee. As I'd gone through the lounge I'd spotted Dad standing at the welsh dresser and pouring over papers. With a little bit of a nose over his shoulder I had quickly noticed one word at the top of the sheaf of papers he was going through, 'Will'.
Later I had got Dad talking about what he'd been up and it had transpired that he had finally done as I've wanted him to do for ages, write a new a new will. In this final will he has written, I finally 'will' get the house, instead 'household contents', as the prior will had stated.

Now that had been pleasing, to hear...