The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.



Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"



The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?"



After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,



"What I taught them was two plus two THE SUM OF WHICH is four."

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day..

As they walk, they come across a sign:



"Beauty contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world.."



"I am entering" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"

"First Place," said a smug Snow White.



They continue walking and they see a sign:



"Contest to find the strongest man in the world."



"I'm entering," says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him,

"How did you make out?"



"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"



They continue walking when they see a sign:

"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes...

"What happened?" they asked.



"Who the f... is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio

Twas the night before Christmas; there wasn't a sound.

‘Not a possum was stirring; no-one was around.

We'd left on the table some tucker and beer,

Hoping that Santa Claus soon would be here;



We children were snuggled up safe in our beds,

While dreams of pavlova danced 'round in our heads;

And Mum in her nightie, and Dad in his shorts,

Had just settled down to watch TV sports.



When outside the house a mad ruckus arose;

Loud squeaking and banging woke us from our doze.

We ran to the screen door, peeked cautiously out,

snuck onto the deck, then let out a shout.



Guess what had woken us up from our snooze,

But a rusty old Ute pulled by eight mighty 'roos.

The cheerful man driving was giggling with glee,

And we both knew at once who this plump bloke must be.



Now, I'm telling the truth it's all dinki-di,

Those eight kangaroos fairly soared through the sky.



Santa leaned out the window to pull at the reins,

And encouraged the 'roos, by calling their names.



'Now, Kylie! Now, Kirsty! Now, Shazza and Shane!

On Kipper! On, Skipper! On, Bazza and Wayne!

Park up on that water tank. Grab a quick drink,

I'll scoot down the gum tree. Be back in a wink!'



So up to the tank those eight kangaroos flew,

With the Ute full of toys, and Santa Claus too.

He slid down the gum tree and jumped to the ground,

Then in through the window he sprang with a bound.



He had bright sunburned cheeks and a milky white beard.

A jolly old joker was how he appeared.

He wore red stubby shorts and old thongs on his feet,

And a hat of deep crimson as shade from the heat.



His eyes - bright as opals - Oh! How they twinkled!

And, like a goanna, his skin was quite wrinkled!

His shirt was stretched over a round bulging belly

Which shook when he moved, like a plate full of jelly.



A fat stack of prezzies he flung from his back,

And he looked like a swaggie unfastening his pack.

He spoke not a word, but bent down on one knee,

To position our goodies beneath the yule tree.



Surfboard and footy-ball shapes for us two.

And for Dad, tongs to use on the new barbeque.

A mysterious package he left for our Mum,

Then he turned and he winked and he held up his thumb;



He strolled out on deck and his 'roos came on cue;

Flung his sack in the back and prepared to shoot through.

He bellowed out loud as they swooped past the gates-

MERRY CHRISTMAS to all, and goodonya, MATES!'

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.



He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.



He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says.

Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.



But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realizing what they are up to, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system.



"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.



His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.



As soon as he walked through the door his wife started on him.

'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?

Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.



And on and on and on.



Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.



While he was in the bath, the phone rang.



The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged that night.



Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.



As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.



'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.



He whirled around and screamed . . . .



'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a

pregnancy test kit The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.



Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!"



Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged

and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them,

"Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will

pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."

He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank

account."



He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."

"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"

All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him, "You'll try again."

A middle-aged man and woman meet through the internet and fall in love. Then they decide to get married. On their wedding-night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her new groom, “Please, be gently with me, I’m a virgin…”

He’s rendered incredulous at this news and asks, “How can that be, you’ve been married three times before…”

The bride responds, “Well you see, my first husband was a psychiatrist and, all he ever wanted to do was talk about it… My second husband was a gynaecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it – And, my third husband was a stamp collector and… all he ever wanted to do was… Oh, how I miss him!”