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An 80-year-old Scotsman went to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor was amazed at what good shape the old fellow was in and asked:

'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I am Scottish and I am a golfer,' said the old fellow:

'and that is why I am in such good shape. I am up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.

I have a wee nip of whisky on each hole, and that's it.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'I am sure that helps, but there has to be more to it.

How old was your Dad when he died?'

'Who said my Dad died?'

The doctor was amazed.

'You mean you are 80 years old and your Dad is still alive.

How old is he?'

He is 100 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

'In fact he golfed wi' me this mornin', and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had another wee dram, and

that is why he is still alive.

He is a Scot and he is a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor said, 'that is great, but I am sure there is more to it than that.

How about your Dad's Dad?

How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Granddad is dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asked, 'You mean you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still living!

Incredible, how old is he?'

'He is 118 years old,' said the old Scottish golfer.

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point:

'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No. Granddad could’nae go this mornin' because he is getting married today'

At this point the doctor was close to losing it.

'Getting married!!

Why would a 118 year-old bloke want to get married?'



'Who said he wanted to?'

I woke for the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a thief sneaking through next door's garden.



Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.



He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.



Astonished I got back into bed.



My wife said, 'Darling you're shaking, what is it?’



'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said, “That Bastard next door has still got my bloody shovel'.

COMMENTS

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Seshat
12:36 Aug 14 2013

Totally unrelated, but I can't send you emails either?!

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POST COMMENT

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.



The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.



The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.



I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'



I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.



'How about a demonstration?'



The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'



Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'



The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'



Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.



The auditor's jaw drops.



Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'



Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.



Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.



The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness.



He starts to get nervous.



'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'



The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.



Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.



The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.



But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.



'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.



'Not really,' says the lawyer.



'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

So, this Mexican woodpecker and an Australian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees.

The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that No woodpecker could peck.

The Aussie woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Mexican woodpecker was amazed The Australian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican Woodpecker to peck a tree in Australia that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently Used by woodpeckers).

The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could Do it and accepted the challenge…



The two of them flew to Oz where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.

How is it that the Australian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Aussie tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Apparently, Tiger Woods and Shane Warne were right, when they said; your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly.



Suddenly, Lorraine died.



At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."

A wise man once said ignore most of what comes out of a woman's mouth unless you have to wipe it and put it back into your trousers!



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The wife said to me last night ''If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ass".

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.



Penis breath, a lover's dread, Is what you get when you give head.

Unpleasant as it tends to be, Be grateful that he doesn't pee.







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My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job.

Pretty funny when you think about it because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a cunt.







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The wife came out of the bathroom and said ''I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you''



I said ''Yeah the fuck'n drain is blocked again''







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A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his penis.



A woman asks, 'What are you?'



He says, "I'm a Fireman'"



"But you're only wearing a glass jar!" says the woman.



"Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"



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A cop stops his patrol car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb.



The guy is laying on his side with his pants pulled down, the girl has her finger in his ass-hole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.



The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"



The girl says, "This is my date.



When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pouring down the booze.



Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."



The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke.



" She says, "Yeah?



Wait till I put this finger in his mouth."



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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.



The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.



Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.



He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.



To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.







The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"



"No, what?"



"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"







"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."



The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.







Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.



He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.



The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar.



He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.







Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.



The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"



"No, what?" replied the man.



"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"







"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.



"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."