THIS JOURNAL IS ON 295 FAVORITE JOURNAL LISTSHonor: 13 [ Give / Take ]
19 entries this month
**Giggles**17:48 Aug 27 2011
Times Read: 741
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot......
"No way! No needles. I hate needles." the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection" the patient says. "I'm fine with pills".
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a painkiller".
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".
**Giggles**23:53 Aug 26 2011
Times Read: 750
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.
Wake up.'
**Giggles**12:50 Aug 26 2011
Times Read: 753
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, in fact, that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, ‘Mother of Six’?”
His wife, irritated by her husband's rudeness and lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Any time you're ready, ‘Father of Four’.”
**Giggles**15:55 Aug 24 2011
Times Read: 763
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no damned good in bed either,'
and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
**Giggles**13:12 Aug 23 2011
Times Read: 767
nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on.
The 1st Nurse says 'I can’t let that go to waste'... and rides him.
The 2nd Nurse does the same.
The 3rd Nurse Hesitates and explains she has her period... but does him anyway.
Then suddenly the dead man sits up and the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead!!
The Man replies "I was, but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel great..!!"
**Giggles**
17:01 Aug 22 2011
Times Read: 772
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, “When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!”
'Oh Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
**Giggles**00:11 Aug 22 2011
Times Read: 781
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
**Giggles**16:44 Aug 21 2011
Times Read: 785
A Scottish soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence,” says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom back into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."
**Giggles**00:03 Aug 20 2011
Times Read: 795
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.
'I'm too young to die,' she wails.
Then she yells, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!
Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'
For a moment there is silence.
Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a Jackeroo from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.
He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.
No one moves.
He removes his shirt.
Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps.
He whispers . .
'Iron this.
Then get me a beer'
**Giggles**23:49 Aug 19 2011
Times Read: 796
NAG, NAG, NAG...
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about,---
'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'.
And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!
**Giggles**14:57 Aug 18 2011
Times Read: 804
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer on duty, stops them and tells them, "It is illegal to carry 5 people in a Quattro... Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons. Five seats, five seat belts, five people "
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishman replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."
**Giggles**16:19 Aug 16 2011
Times Read: 812
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you, But I stepped on a
Duck.
**Giggles**00:41 Aug 16 2011
Times Read: 813
A man went to the hospital in Cook town, Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his pen*s.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his pen*s while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your pen*s.
OR...
3) Finding out your pen*s fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide
**Giggles** --- found.23:56 Aug 12 2011
Times Read: 820
*winge** "I'm 48 tomorrow."
· *hugs* happy birthday.. your a year older than me lol
· and tomorrow, two years of fifty. Bum.
· i hate the idea of turning fifty
· as long as I can still get my legs round my neck and still do all night what I used
· to do all night, I'll be fine.
· darlin i can still go at it all night long...that wont change lol
· that's how it damn well should be.
my neighbour removed my born again virginity, she's 60, with breasts 'made in america.'
damn excellent though.
went back the next day. (After a second invite.)
· i think thats my problem i need to get laid. in the worst way
· alway's think 'in the worst way' is silly.
but yeah, as that story illustrates, I know or knew what you mean. She had four boyfriends and chose me.
· you lucky dog lol...
· as i said you lucky dog. i might get lucky this weekend if i play my cards right
· if you're gonna be playing cards, you're doing something wrong.
· i lose at strip poker giggles...trust me it aint cards thats on my mind.
**Giggles**23:31 Aug 10 2011
Times Read: 832
LEARN A WORD A DAY, Today it is; NECROPHILIA.
A man was brought before a judge charged with NECROPHILIA (making love to a dead person).
The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away keys?"
The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons:
1. It's none of your business;
2. She was my wife; and.....
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"
SO LADIES, TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE GAME…
GUYS, IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK THE PULSE.(lol)
**Giggles**12:26 Aug 09 2011
Times Read: 841
A nasty and mean looking trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order.
He said: ‘I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said.
'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards, are 2 slices of crisp bacon!
'Oh... OK!' said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of baked beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'
'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well fill up on gas!
**Giggles**00:16 Aug 09 2011
Times Read: 847
A WHITE GUY IS WALKING ALONG A BEACH WHEN HE COMES ACROSS A LAMP PARTIALLY BURIED IN THE SAND.
HE PICKS UP THE LAMP AND GIVES IT A RUB.
TWO BLONDE GENIES APPEAR, AND THEY TELL HIM HE HAS BEEN GRANTED THREE WISHES.
THE GUY MAKES HIS THREE WISHES AND THE BLONDE GENIES DISAPPEAR.
THE NEXT THING THE GUY KNOWS, HE'S IN A BEDROOM, IN A GOLF-COURSE MANSION, SURROUNDED BY 50 BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
AFTER HE MAKES LOVE TO ALL OF THEM, HE BEGINS TO EXPLORE THIS FABULOUS HOUSE.
SUDDENLY HE FEELS SOMETHING SOFT UNDER HIS FEET, HE LOOKS DOWN AND THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN $100 BILLS.
THEN, THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
HE ANSWERS IT AND STANDING THERE ARE TWO PERSONS DRESSED IN KU KLUX KLAN OUTFITS.
THEY DRAG HIM OUTSIDE TO THE NEAREST TREE, THROW A ROPE OVER A LIMB AND HANG HIM BY THE NECK UNTIL HE'S DEAD.
AS THE KLANSMEN ARE WALKING AWAY, THEY REMOVE THEIR HOODS.
IT'S THE TWO BLONDE GENIES.
ONE BLONDE GENIE SAYS TO THE OTHER ONE, 'I CAN UNDERSTAND THE FIRST WISH HAVING ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN IN A BIG MANSION TO MAKE LOVE TO.
I CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND HIM WANTING TO BE A MILLIONAIRE.
BUT WHY HE WANTED TO BE HUNG LIKE A BLACK GUY IS BEYOND ME.'
**Giggles**00:26 Aug 07 2011
Times Read: 855
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin'.
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness.
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.
But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet:
- If it tastes good spit it out.
**Giggles**01:35 Aug 03 2011
Times Read: 863
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Scottsdale , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
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COMMENTS
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DestroyingAngel
08:31 Sep 06 2011
lol