The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

As the motorcyclist drew up to the traffic lights, a car

screeched to a halt and a man jumped out and ran up to him.

“For goodness sake man, didn’t you realise your wife had

fallen off when you took that sharp bend a mile back?”

“Oh thanks, mate,” replied the happy motorcyclist. “For a

moment I thought I’d gone deaf.”

The morning after their honeymoon night the husband comes down to breakfast to see just a piece of lettuce and a carrot on his plate.

“What’s this?” he asks.

She replies, “I just want to know if you eat like a rabbit too.”

Clive Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University has designed a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down; and stiops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold sets in.

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After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickman outside… and kicked the shit out of him.

The God of War comes to earth and enters a brothel in London where he is attracted to one girl in particular. He stays for 3 days, spending most of the time engaged in mad passionate love but then he gets a message from the heavens ordering him home.

As he’s about to leave, he realises he’s never really spoken to the girl. He hasn’t even told her his name.

“I’m Thor,” he says.

“You’re sore! For fuck’s sake, I can’t even walk,” she replies angrily.

An old man knocked on the door of the local brothel and spoke to the Madam.

“I’ve got plenty of money and I want me a girl,” he said, “but she must have VD.”

“Okay old man,” said the Madam and she directed him to a room upstairs where a girl was waiting, lying stark naked on the bed.

“Do you have VD?” asked the old man.

“I certainly don’t,” she protested.

So the old man sent her away and asked for someone else.

“Listen, Elsie,” said Madam, “Go and see to the old man in Room 7 and if he asks, say you’ve got the clap.”

Elsie went off to Room 7, confirmed that she had VD and serviced the old man for half an hour. At the end of the session, she told him that she had a confession to make.

“I don’t really have VD, old man,” she said.

The man smiled sadly and replied, “Well, you do now.”

The multinational company was looking for a new Director General and three men were up for the job. To test their undying loyalty to the company, they were all asked to do the same thing. Go into the other room and shoot your wife,” they ordered the first man, handing him a gun.

“Oh no,” gasped the man. “My wife means more to me than anything, I can’t do it.”

So he was dismissed.

The second man was given similar instructions. Handing him a gun they ordered him to go next door and shoot his wife dead.

“I can’t do it,” replied the ashen-faced man, “Tomorrow is our 25th anniversary and we’ve lived a very happy life.”

So the second man was dismissed.

The third man came in, a gun was passed to him and he was told to go into the next room and kill his wife. The man did as he’d been instructed and went next door. At first there was complete silence but all of a sudden they heard an awful scream, furniture falling over and then all went quiet. A moment later the third man returned.

“What happened in there?” they asked.

“Some prat put blank cartridges in the gun so I had no choice but to strangle her,” he replied.

Dancing together for the first time, the man turned to his partner and said, “My dear, do you know the minuet?”

“Good gracious, no, I don’t even know all the men I’ve laid.”

The bride was in floods of tears. Only an hour before her wedding and the heel had broken on her new shoes.

“Don’t worry,” said the bridesmaid. “I’ve got a pair of white shoes, they may be a bit small but I think you’ll be able to put up with them for a short while.”

So the wedding went ahead without mishap and afterwards at the reception there was much merrymaking. However, by the end of the evening, Megan’s feet were in agony and she couldn’t wait to get upstairs to their honeymoon suite to get the shoes off.

Unbeknown to the happy couple, some of the guests, including the parents, followed them upstairs to listen outside the door. For a few minutes they giggled as they heard the sound of huffing and puffing and groaning and then the bridegroom was heard to say, “My goodness Megan, that was tight.”

“There!” whispered her mother. “I told you she was a virgin.”

But then they all got quite a surprise when they heard him say, “Okay, now for the other one.”

Again, there was the sound of groaning and panting until the bridegroom spoke again.

“Blimey, that was even tighter.”

“Good lad,” whispered his father.

“Once a sailor, always a sailor.”

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you

Believe that….2:30am?!



Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.







The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.



Talk about Dyson with death.







Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."



Really, …" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"





I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.



I said "You're pulling my leg".







I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!



At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.







My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.



Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.





I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.



At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.







The wife has been missing a week now.



Police said to prepare for the worst.



So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.





A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....





I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.



As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a Coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.



I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!







My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to Our local pet shop and they were $70!!!



blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.







I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.





I start a new job in Seoul next week.



I thought it was a good Korea move.







I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked.



The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.



I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown.'





On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country?'

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:"Windows frozen."



Husband texts back:"pour some lukewarm water over it."



Wife texts back: "computer completely screwed now."

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.



Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.



One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude.



This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.



Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.



In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay.



"I'll paint ya in da nude alright.



But I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."....................

A businessman visiting Japan decided to visit the local hot spots in Tokyo. At the brothel he ended up with a petite and energetic whore, who everytime he fucked her exclaimed, “Yang see, yang see”. He left in the next morning, having learnt a sign of approval and having given the girl his best.

The next day he is playing golf with his Japanese partner, who scores a hole-in-one. Remembering the phrase he learnt the night before, the businessman pats him on the back. “Yang see, yang see,” he explains.

“What do you mean-wrong hole?” demanded the mystified Jap.

“Well,” said Bill to his friend John, “did you have a good time on your date with those Siamese twins last night?”

“Well,” said John hesitantly, “yes and no…”

A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom.

'You know what?' says the 6-year old 'I think it's about time we started swearing.'



The 4-year old nods his head in approval.



The 6-year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with bitch and you say something with arse.'



The 4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.



When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Yo fat bitch, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.'



WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.



His Mum locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!'



She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice!,

'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'



'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat arse it won't be Cheerios.'

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I Bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought It with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari.

You guessed it:

Her share of the lotto winnings....

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while She gets undressed When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is Barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we??"

COMMENTS

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Bellanova333
02:27 Apr 05 2012

haha ; )

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POST COMMENT

A mother in law said to her son's wife when the baby was born:



"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son…. "





The daughter in law lifted her skirt and said:





"I don't mean to be rude either…..





but this is a fanny… not a fucking photo-copier…"