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Christmas Day 2005, in Ft. Lauderdale, our neighbors got snow delivered to their front yard. We had a huge snowball fight. It was absolutely wonderful. I sat down in the snow to have a couple of pictures taken of me and the kids. Then, lovely father that I have, took a picture of the back of me as I was walking into the neighbors house.



That day a realization hit me. HOLY FUCKAMOLY I'M FAT!!!!! I'm 5'4 and I was closing in on 190 - 200 lbs. Granted, 80% of is was due to no thyroid. Because my medication wasn't being regulated properly, my body and the way I was eating was out of control. I ate everything in sight. Then I was on this one website and I altered my medication myself. It worked a little bit. And then I finally went to the doctor and got back on track.



You may be wondering what the point of this is. Besides everything that has gone on in my life for the past 6 months, Christmas Day changed my life forever. I had to stop reacting and start ACTING. I had to overcome my problems myself. Nobody else could do it for me. I had to take that first step and just do it. I thought about all the people in this world who have overcome more horrible things than a lack of a thyroid; ie loss of a limb, loss of a child, horrible horrible things. If they can get through the most horrific things than I can get through my issues. Time to stop being lazy.



I now work out almost every day, I've changed my eating habits, I've changed my outlook on life. I'm finally down to 160lbs and have 30 to go. I want to be 130lbs by my 30th birthday in August. I know I can do it. I can do anything if I put my mind to it. All I had to do was believe in myself. You never realize what you can do until you do it. And when you get to the point where you WANT and NEED to be, you look back and see how much you have accomplished. What an amazing feeling that is.

I wrote a journal entry in November that I have subsequently deleted from my journal. It dealt with being judgmental about certain situations and then finding myself in a situation that I would normally judge someone else for. I was walking down a path that I never saw myself taking. And I have learned that you never know what is going on in a person's life.... Until you walk a mile in their shoes, you have no business being judgmental at all.



So yes, I found myself walking down that crazy road...and I had stated that I knew my path will come to an end unless something changed drastically. So, knowing that, I made the decision to take it as far as it would let me go; to be as happy as I could for as long as I could; to live my life for me;



The path has ended and it is so bittersweet... I am very sad and yet I can still look back and KNOW that I was truly happy with someone, if even for a short while. I have learned so many things about life and about myself in the past few months. In the situation I had never felt so strong in my life, so beautiful, so loved.... Now, in dealing with all of the drama of the end, I know I can be stronger than I was, I don't need someone else to make me feel beautiful, I can make myself happy, and that the unconditional love that was given to me was one of the most precious gifts in this world. I am more mature. I handle things differently. I am more patient. I am a better mother. I'm more assertive. I have learned that no matter what you go through in this life, every experience you have, whether good or bad, is a stepping stone. Some stones are harder to climb, they are bigger, maybe they crumble....but those are the ones that will teach you the lessons and make you appreciate the easy stones that allowed you to enjoy parts of the climb.



I saw this in Deity's journal today and it seemed fairly appropriate to my situation. Though I do hate those things, I am fully capable of dealing with it and moving on with my life.



I hate it when you make me break down with your sweet words

I hate the butterflies in my stomach when I think of you

I hate the fucking smiles that creeps up at the sound of your fucking voice

I hate the cute comments you randomly interject.

I hate the fact that you aren't here

I hate that you aren't mine.

I hate that I can't hate you no matter how hard I try.



**EDIT**



I actually don't HATE those things except #6 LOL



Bittersweet is an interesting word..Something that makes you sad and yet happy at the same time. That is how I feel about what Deity wrote...........Bittersweet