The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

To have a mind of winter…does that mean you are frozen? Cold like ice, no warmth, no joy or love, is that it? I know I always ask questions, but isn’t that how the world has progressed? I think of regarding to frozen environment around me and I freeze myself. It isn’t something I want. I don’t think that being stuck in a cold, clear, prison that turns you into the prison itself, into ice, is something one would strive for. A dormant transparent sculpture, frozen in time. If that is what’s to become of someone’s mind just to regard the misery in the sound of the wind, I will no be part of it. A stand still, a time capsule of lonely, cold, dormancy. To regard the January sun, does it warm the ice? Does it unfreeze to world; no. There is no January sun that is warm, it is just light, taunting life with the dream of warmth. Taunting the world with light and love and warmth that is still so far away.Frozen or listening. Watching or standing still. What does it matter? I would wish to keep moving, no stop. Go forward in time, not too quickly, but not slowly, and never stop. Just go and go until there is no going left. Until a standstill happens for a short time and then you start the next chapter in your life. Maybe the next life. Even just to an end, but not until it’s inevitable. Why would you want to stop? Isn’t moving forward the best thing? You can slow down to regard the leaves and wind and have a mind of spring. You don’t need a frozen winter mind. Not to do those things or anything thing else. Right?

Beginning again, hearing makes me cringe. What if I begin again and make the same choices? What if I begin again and my choices are worse. What if I hurt more people but myself less along the way? What if the love of my life became my enemy? How could I deal with knowing I had the chance to start fresh but made it worse? These questions don’t seem to leave my mind as I read my books. I focus only on the beginning again and nothing else even registered in my mind. I want to have the chance but I fear it more. The countless mistakes that I could have made, could they come to pass? Maybe, just maybe I could be perfect. I could be the same. I hate the endless possibilities that list themselves in front of me. I know starting over completely is impossible, but starting new… that can be done.

I think of this and all I can think is his name. He has always been there when I have messed up and has let me start again every time. He has been there when my mother’s memory turns my dreamless sleep to a nightmare filled prison. He doesn’t understand and he doesn’t try. He knows he wasn’t there so he couldn’t fully know but he does his best to help me start the day new. Tell me I am not worthless. He is the reset button in my life. I love him.

My best friend and other half. He has been there more for me than God. I knew him before God. I love him as much as I do God if he and I were separated I couldn’t live with it. He knows, he has been there not in the same way or under the same circumstances. He was a new start for me as well. I wouldn’t be who I am now if it weren’t for him. He is my best friend and I am his. I could sit with him and not even look at each other or make a sound but could have the most meaningful conversation between two people that has ever happened.

My sister, the younger version of myself. She has been there in every way. She has been through everything. The same way, the same circumstances, the same pain, we share it all. We both know how it works because we lived it. She gives me hope everyday that we will get a new start one day we will be free.

I have the chance to start knew over and over again because of these people and I’m sure that they don’t even know it. I may tell them but they don’t know they don’t understand the extent they have helped me. Helped me grow, helped me cry and stop crying, helped me let go and step back to breathe. They are my starts. My beginnings and I love them. Maybe I can’t start over all together, but I can start new as long as I have them.