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My father´s eye surgery...
16:53 Nov 30 2005
Times Read: 512

...is finally over, and it went OK. He´s got to go for revision tomorrow, obviously I´m going with him, and he´s got to have the other eye done, as well. Later in the morning, I went out with Matt and we had brunch and went shopping, which was fun. I´ve been sleeping since we came back, for some reason I´m very tired these days...

Completely inside....
22:15 Nov 29 2005
Times Read: 507

This is what today has ended up like. I´ve been sad all day, and now I´m so completely withdrawn...Matt tries to talk to me, but I am hermetic, not because I want to, but because I don´t know any other way to be right now. I´ve sunk into this abyss and I don´t know how to get out. I´m not suicidal, but I´d like to disappear for a while.Just to rest...

Inside...
08:52 Nov 29 2005
Times Read: 508

I went to sleep before 2 a.m. last night, which for me is very early, but I did have a non-prescription sleeping tablet, although I hate the chemical feeling of them.

So, I´ve woken up at 6ish, and I started to have an anxiety attack, which is still ongoing. I´m just writting to exorcise it. Matt should be back in 1/2 an hour, and I´ll feel better then, anyway, I hope.

What it is about, is my mother...She is kept so drugged in hospital I don´t see the point in visiting her anymore, because she´s just asleep, and I come back worse off than I am, when I go see her. At the same time, I miss her desperately, and I want to see her, but the sadness is just too big some days. I feel like I´m a terrible daughter, but it´s such a scary place, and I get such bad feelings there... I´ve decided on going this coming Saturday, but I´m not going to talk to any nurses or doctors, because I just feel like punching them for what they´ve done to us.

In a way, I miss the mother I never really had, and the one that I´m not going to have, even if she ever comes back home. The Alzheimer´s and the drugs they give her in hospital have turned her into someone else entirely, and I´m in mourning for my mother, even if she´s still alive. I do think she will die in 2006, and it frightens me.

Courtney and Jamie came to see me last night, as Courtney is going back home to the States. I´ll miss her, but we´ll keep in touch.

My father is having his eye surgery tomorrow morning, which is also making me anxious, even if I know it´s minor. I´m obviously going with him.

I feel like I´m going "inside" again. That just means that when the anxiety gets too much, I sort of retreat into myself as a defense mechanism. It keeps me from feeling a lot. The down side is that I don´t feel the good things, either, and that I can become very withdrawn and incommunicative. Matt can sometimes snap me out of it, but normally, it has to run its course, sometimes it can last a couple of days, but then I bounce back.

It´s still a very lonely feeling, though, like I´m inside a glass case and nothing and noone can reach me. But I think it´s safer than just feeling all those bad things, the cold fear and the pressure on my chest, and the despair.

I have reasons to be happy, like Matt and the pets, so I´m going to try and concentrate on those...but this anxiety is so big it leaves no room for a lot more.

I´ll have to wait it out and see what happens...

Of toy garages and rubber cats...
14:26 Nov 27 2005
Times Read: 512

Matt and I thought we´d make some room in our bedroom, which is tiny and chockfull of stuff. So we thought "Ah, we´ll throw some stuff out from the spare room , and we should end up with loads of space".So we´ve been clearing out the spare room all morning, and we have achieved the unachievable (we can see the floor!) I came across old toys of mine (which I´m keeping!), and loads of stuff like old letters, etc, that I still need to sort out. Most poignant was finding two notes, or letters from my mother...One was in a notebook, and the message was " Nena-(that´s what she calls me)-, I have tried my best to make you be a good person, but nothing works, after all I´ve done for you , it´s a pity you will end up very badly and in the gutter..."

This was written when I was 12 years old, but to read it, you´d think I was a posessed hellbitch on drugs or something. I fact , I was a good student, and this note was because I had told my mother I didn´t believe in god and wanted to stop going to mass. At this point she said to me I was dead as far as she was concerned, which really hurt me.So you see, I am the living dead, after all.



The second note was dated 2000, and it was really good, because she thanks me for all her Christmas presents (I think that was the last Christmas we spent together before her illness) and she tells me how much she loves me.

So I´ll keep the good note close to me, as it will remind me of the good things about my mother.

I miss her like she was when I was really little, and even before she got Alzheimer´s...



I feel like crying, but I don´t want to start or it might take me a long time to stop, and I don´t have the energy...



I also found loads of silly poetry I used to write as a kid and as a teenager. I´ll post some in the poetry section of this journal , just for a laugh, when I feel better.



I´ve done my back in.Ouch.

A bit of a sad day...
22:07 Nov 23 2005
Times Read: 515

My mother is refusing her food in hospital. When the food comes, she just goes psychotic, literally, and it´s horrible because she is wasting away...A drip might be good, but chances are she´d hurt herself ripping it out. I´m not coping very well with this...I´m going to speak to her doctor on Friday, but I don´t think I´ll get any proper answers out of him...They are so obscure in that place...I just want her back home.

Christmas is going to be horrible.

My dad is due for eye surgery next wednesday as well, and I´m also due soon to get my bolts removed.

Anyway...When I find the folders with my poems, etc, I´ll start posting them.

Jaime & Marián...
20:03 Nov 22 2005
Times Read: 516

Today I got a phone call from a little kid, talking to me very knowledgeably about sea urchins...it made me laugh, and I went along with it, he souded really young, (later I found out he is three years old), and he knew my name!

I was very pleased, because as it turned out it was Jaime, the son of the only girl in grade school that didn´t bully me, so I sort of considered her my friend.

So I spoke to Marián, who lives in Madrid an had traced me through Friends Reunited. We spoke for over an hour, and I was really glad to hear from her. She is expecting her second kid, and we have arranged to meet up in January when she comes to Sevilla. So that was today´s highlight...

I´ve been bad...
23:34 Nov 21 2005
Times Read: 517

Ok, so I have a couple of friends who are Mormon missionaries. Jamie and Courtney. They are really nice, and we get on really well, and they always cheer me up. I respect their religion, and they respect my lack of it, so it works out.

Today they came to see me, and I was so excited about having learned to use html codes, that I showed them this site, which as missionaries they are not supposed to see...

BUT they actually liked it, which was a pleasant surprise. Courtney is going home next month and she´s going to check it out with her brother, who is apparently a skater Mormon vampire wannabe (?). Yey, I´m converting people!!



On a serious note, I have an appointment with my surgeon on the 5th December, to find out when my bolts are coming out...

Horrible weekend...
23:14 Nov 20 2005
Times Read: 521

My puppy Ceilteach

was very ill on Friday night, and we had to rush him to the emergency vet´s at 2 a.m. Fortunately, it was just indigestion (no clue what he could have eaten!), and after coming up with 100 Euros to pay the Vet, we brought him home, where he is now recovering.



Last night the Doctor was called in to see ME, because I had an anxiety attack, brought on by Ceilteach´s illness and also by a nightmare I had at siesta time, where I dreamt-in hyperreality-that my adoptive mum had died...(she might die soon in real life, and it´s very disturbing to me- I´ll write about all that some other time...).



So, the doctor came, and because I had been crying a lot during the day, he gave me a Diazepam injection (Valium), which helped me sleep. I´m not normally on medication, preferring to just control whatever bad feelings I have through meditation and creative activities, but sometimes, it just gets a bit much...



I´m a bit better today, and in a little while, Matt and I are going to watch Big Brother Spain together, which is very, very mind-numbing. I´d like to share with you the picture of this year´s "evil bitch" contestant (she was kicked out last week, but she´s left a trail of destruction behind her...).We love to hate her. She wore THAT make up all the time!!!:







What is it, I ask you...