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So Ryan slept 12h last night but wasn't any more rested than usual, in fact he had troubles falling asleep at noon. It ended up taking him half an hour and he only got 1,5h sleep instead of his usual 2h. At 5.45 I began his bedtime routine, by 6.40 the lights were out and at 8.20 he was asleep.



What's wrong with that picture?



Oh yes, tell me again why it took him nearly 2 hours to fall asleep?



Well it seems he won't be getting 12h of sleep tonight.



Sigh?

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Idiosyncrasy
19:50 Nov 28 2009

You seem pretty high anxiety and kids feed off that. maybe you should try to calm down and he will follow suit? Or run laps with him a couple hours before bed time. Hot baths work too, the body gets tired during the cool down.

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Ryan is busy playing with his dinosaur so here I am...

SIGH



Now Ryan woke up at 6.20 AM because a cat somehow opened the door to our bedroom and of course it had to wake him up and he wouldn't fall back asleep as usual.



Basically he fell asleep later and woke up earlier than yesterday, he only got 10,5h of sleep now which is 2h than he needs to be fully rested.



He'll most likely be ready to nap at 9 AM but since it's impossible to put him to sleep after only 2h awake (believe me I'ev tried and I don't feel like fighting with him for over an hour to go to sleep, not during the day, it's enough that I have to do it at night)... He'll sleep before 11 AM which is an hour earlier than yesterday.... And he'll be ready to sleep by 6 PM.



What does it all matter now though that I'm in for another day with an impossible and cranky, tired toddler? He is just NEVER rested.



THIS is exactly what I mean, I CAN'T keep a regular sleep schedule for him because he's ALWAYS changing it!



SIGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahahah



I just watched the latest Simpsons episode, God I've missed that show! It's been YEARS since I watched... Bart Simpson was my childhood hero! :P



Seriously, I had a crush on him... haha.

Entering a toy store with Ryan is sure to give me instant feelings of being a bad mother, by the way.



It hurts SO much when you see how badly he'd like to have that huge truck because you know how much he loves playing with those things... And you know there's no way in hell you can afford it.



Ryan hasn't got many toys, he might be spoiled with love and attention but he's never been spoiled in the materialistic sense... good in a way I suppose, but bad when you consider that he could use a new set of toys to boost his imagination and development... He does play with the ones he has but naturally he gets bored with them, no matter how many ways I try to vary his play with them.



Why does everything make me feel like I don't deserve him? He deserves a mother who can take care of him properly, who's always happy and who can afford to buy him things he needs... or even wants sometimes...



I feel bad when I think about Christmas.



At times like these I really wish I was living a century ago when everything might have been hard... but so simple. Everything about this life is so complicated... why does it have to be like that? I want it simple... is that too much to ask?

Ryan has never been fond of water, I clearly remember his first bath when he wouldn't stop screaming...



For some time he did enjoy baths as long as he didn't get any water in his eyes, when it was time to wash his hair he cried insanely and when I tried to put a shower shield on his head he wouldn't have it. He fusses even if he gets a tiny drop of rain in his eyes...



Well, lately he's been absolutely refusing to take baths... Sometimes I somehow convince him to get in but he insists on getting out after only a few minutes and will barely let me wash him... And don't you dare touch his hair because then he freaks out...



So his bedtime routine does not include a happy bath time anymore, not that it seems to make much difference to him... However it leaves more time for stories so I guess there's something positive to be seen, especially since most days we only read books at that time.



I've taken him to the swimming pool twice in his life, and although he's entered it after some hesitation he has never dared to venture around it without holding my hand and he fussed as soon as he happened to get some water in his eyes... He seemed to like it though... I should take him there again but I can't stand walking around in a bathing suit and the water there is really cold too...



He did like going to swim with me in the sea though, as long as I held on too him tightly. I wish we had gone to the sea more times... I'm hoping that somehow I'll be able to afford going on vacation with him next year...



Hmm... Yeah...



He fell asleep at 19.45 tonight, though I had him in bed after 6... That's half an hour later than yesterday... Today he slept for a total of 13,5h but he spent the day tired anyways. How much sleep does this child need? I don't get it... I'm considering checking his iron levels, maybe he has a deficiency in that... maybe there is a medical explination to this... cause when I tell pediatricians that he is tired even after so many hours of sleep they find it hard to believe and try to find another explanation... like he is "dissatisfied and whiny because he feels you're not happy"... stupid ass psychologist can shove that up her ass... Aren't they supposed to make you feel better?



I'm not sure what to do... I've caught up with NCIS and am now having to wait a week for every new episode... sooo frustrating... but I could always delve into another series... If I care to waste more time on that... as if I have anything better to do...



I'll just drink my tea.

The more I think about this the worse I feel.



As much as I try to keep Ryan happy, it's undeniable that he's been exposed to too much negative emotions in his short life.



Maybe it's really having a bad effect on him?



I knew it, I knew I'll end up screwing him up like I did with everything else in my life.

EHERTJRTJKRTLMNDHERLÅJFTLJKÅRJKLRTKLJERHGLERÅTJLÅRÅT



MY MOTHER!



I tell her DON'T GIVE HIM PASTA NOW because he has homemade moussaka in the fridge which I wanted to give him for dinner later... but NO, I protest in a million different ways and she complains that I'm being unreasonable "but he loves pasta" and "I want everyone to eat now so there won't be any mess later!!"



So now he's eating white overcooked pasta with a pre packaged sauce.



UEUJRTPJKTKPKRTJHKWFTGKESHDHJ



He is NOT SUPPOSED to eat bad carbs before bedtime! It doesn't make bedtime any easier, it just fuels his hyperactivity.



And as if that wasn't enough she has the annoying compulsive habit to hover over him and feed him, if I tell her not to I can see how she's is itching to do it and can't bare to stand there watching because he might make a mess.



I'm gonna have a nervous breakdown soon, I swear. We have different opinions on EVERYTHING and not only when it comes to raising a child... No WONDER I am messed up and feel a lack of security... We never had routines in this house, we never spent time and did things together, we barely had any family traditions, I barely even felt love and I certainly did not feel happy and secure in my own house. Not to mention the lack of encouragement and praise, I was rarely told I'm good at something, my achievements were never appreciated because I could "always do better" and so I was never good enough... Whenever I had something I was passionate about, it wasn't the right thing to be passionated about. So how the HELL am I supposed to give Ryan what I never had when I don't even KNOW how to do it!?



GOD my family is so fucked up I just want to scream.

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Idiosyncrasy
16:29 Nov 24 2009

Have faith. You obviously know what you were lacking and missed out on. Just try and provide those things for him the best you can. All you can do is try your best. No one is a perfect parent or has all the answers.

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Another wonderful day...



I had an appointment with a psychiatrist today at 2 PM, it takes an hour to get there, and since I had already missed and re-scheduled 3 appointments I felt like I had to go... Even though it meant having to put Ryan to sleep in the stroller where he only sleeps for 45 min top... and spend the rest of the evening with an overtired toddler... (not really any different from any other day)



Well, I ended up being in time at the bus stop but taking the right bus in the wrong direction... Before I realized this, I had already ended up in nowhere and didn't arrive at the psychiatrist until an hour later... So this whole day Ryan has spent being bored in his stroller, all for nothing.



What's worse, as soon as I met this person I felt like this is not someone I can spill everything to. I can't talk to this woman. It just feels wrong, I can immediately tell she would just not understand... Sigh.



So I got a new appointment at 9 AM tomorrow, my mom might take Ryan to the kindergarten where she works if they'll allow her to... but I doubt she will... I'd probably have to take him with me again...



Honestly this just feels like a waste of time. Now I have to give Ryan a bath and try to put him to sleep... Not that it's gonna help much, he'll be just as tired and overtired tomorrow. I'm sick of no one understanding me.

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DireConsequences
17:07 Nov 23 2009

Try to stay positive, sweetheart.



If you have to take Ryan with you tomorrow, point buildings and scenery out to him! If you see something that resembles something out of one of his favorite books, show him!



Make it a fun thing for you and him both!



I hate getting into a car, let alone being in one for an hour or so. But we make do with whatever it is.



If he likes to color, then take a coloring book and crayons. Or if you don't have a coloring book, just a couple of sheets of paper will do just fine.



Don't forget to draw shapes and tell him what they are that way it's educational too.



There's so much you can do!



:-)



Chin up, hun!



You just need to put some situations in a positive perspective!



...Especially those you absolutely need to do!

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A year ago I was overwhelmed by and completely obsessed with "Twilight"... Exactly a year ago I went to watch the movie at the cinema and I was in total ecstasy...



But now I'm not in the least excited over the release of "New Moon"... My mom offered to take care of Ryan tomorrow afternoon so I could go see it but I'm not sure if I'm up to it.



It's like nothing excites me anymore.

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sahahria
21:09 Nov 20 2009

Go see it! You'll love it, I saw the double feature last night on my own-heh it was a personal "date" with myself :)

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imagesinwords
22:28 Nov 20 2009

We're going to see it tonight ;)

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This day has just been FANTASTIC.



It began with one of the cats sneaking into the room at 6 AM and knocking over a lamp which woke Ryan up and obviously he wouldn't fall back asleep... He had only had 10 hours of sleep, he needs 12 or 12,5h to be fully rested, and so AGAIN we spent the morning with him being overtired...



At 10.15 AM he finally went to nap only to wake up 1,5h later, unable to fall back asleep... again... so the rest of the evening... AGAIN... he spent being overtired and out of energy, I took him out and we stayed at the playground for about 2 hours but he barely had the energy to do anything...



Once we got back home after 4 PM he was VERY tired and I gave him some dinner, read him a book, gave him a bath, gave him his milk, read another book and he was ready to sleep... and he was so tired that he was co-operating with me for once which he never does when he's overtired and hyper... Within 15 minutes he was sound asleep, unlike the two past nights when it took over an hour for him to finally give in to sleep. This was 17.50 PM...



Well, so my mom asked me to go out and fetch the laundry because she was really exhausted and I agreed seeing how Ryan usually sleeps for at least 2 hours straight without waking up...



I go down and after 20 minutes my mom phones me to tell me that he woke up. He had only slept for 30 minutes! I NEVER go out after he fall asleep because I'm too afraid that he might wake up... And this ONE time he wakes up so quickly...



Naturally, I rushed home but it was too late... My mom had been trying to put him back to sleep, but OF COURSE she had to take him out to the living room where all the lights were switched on instead of staying with him in the dark bedroom... And as if that wasn't enough, the phone kept ringing and with that every chance that Ryan would successfully fall back asleep were vanished.



At this point it was nearly 18.45 PM and Ryan was hyper and ready to run around... I made sure to switch off most of the lights but it didn't help much in calming him down... However after half an hour I had had enough, I told him my mom was going to sleep too and it was very late, I switched off everything and took him to bed... There we read for about half an hour... And then began the struggle to put him back to sleep... I sang to him, I cuddled him, I nursed him, but it took until 21.15 before he was back asleep.



Now tomorrow awaits another day of Ryan not being fully rested, not sleeping well, eventually getting hyper and acting totally unlike himself. He is NOT a hyper child... His behaviour when he's rested is so unlike his overtired one... The few times in a month that he gets enough sleep, he is so co-operative, gentle, quiet, calm, focused... And you can actually DO things with him, he actually sits still...



*sigh*



I just can't seem to get his sleep in order, no matter what I do, and it's driving me insane.

Yeah...



I'm just going to watch NCIS again, keep my mind of things, escape reality, drown my sorrows, call it what you want... I just want it to stop.



I should have another quiet hour before Ryan wakes up, if he sleeps for 3 hours straight again like he did last night. Enought time to watch an episode...

I feel like my greatest flaw as a parent is not being able to give Ryan what he needs, what I'd want for him to have. I want him to have his own nicely decorated room in a beautiful house with a pretty little garden, a friendly dog running around, perhaps a sibling or two, two parents who love and care for him, friends to play with and just overall a stable, secure and predictable environment.



I'm not the neat, organized, balanced, happy, successful, patient, perfect mother that I would so want to be. I'm even forgetting my English, believe it or not. I'm not educated in any way.



No, I'm a complete, disorganized, unstable, unpredictable, depressed, chaotic mess. I can't figure out my own life, how the hell am I supposed to manage his? Alone? If i had someone to lend me a hand, someone to take over where I'm failing, someone to complete me where I'm incomplete, someone to help me develop my lacking parenting skills... Perhaps then it would be better, but now this is not my reality and it is unlikely to ever be.



What am I to do? Change? Change who I am, somehow pretend to have a different personality to the point where I forget who I was to begin with? I'm just not compatible with the mother I want to be in my head... I am a disaster, a failure and I can't even stick to a routine... if I ever manage to set one out to begin with. I'd like to be the kind of mother who takes pictures of and notes down everything, who makes a yearly scrapbook for her kids, who hands frames on the walls, who's just organized and can find the time and will to LIVE and do things... I am not... I can't bring myself to do anything, if I ever do I'm doomed to fail anyways.



I'm a lost cause, I know what, what worries me is the sole responsibility I have over Ryan and how his life is going to turn out... I play such an immense and important role in it and I'm not sure I'm playing it well, I'm afraid I'll screw up at any given moment. I'm so screwed up I'm scared to death that I'll end up screwing him up just as badly if not worse, screw up his life and anything he might get out of it. I have to raise him and I doubt I can do that well, I doubt myself in every possible way. Ryan is the most fantastic boy I have ever seen, not just because he is mine, but he is so gifted, so clever, so insightful, so observant, so amazingly beautiful... he's got SO much potential in him, to do and become anything, to accomplish things, to change the world.



And if he doesn't reach his full potential... it'll be my fault. Can I live with that? I guess I have to...



My life has stopped, it's been lost and I don't think I'll ever find it again. It's gone because there just isn't a way to get back to it, I lived for 20 years and after that... I only live for Ryan, for the hope of maybe, somehow succeeding in giving him a good life. As for me I don't have anything to go back to, I'm too fucked up, simply put, there is no salvation.

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DireConsequences
00:08 Nov 20 2009

You need to calm down, hun.



No mother is perfect!



Was your mother perfect? I doubt it! Just like I know I'm not perfect and neither is my own mother!



You need to change the mindset of what the mothering type is in your head. I would fail to reach the bar too if I was held up to the scale.



Live your life. Learn from your mistakes. And at the end of the night, go to bed loving yourself and others. Reflect on the day.



It will get better, hun. *hugs*

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Last night I had a strange dream where someone was trying to frame me for cheating, or something like that.



There was this big old house and I went up to the attic only to see that there were several holes in the floor which let you see the rooms beneath. In one of these rooms someone had painted my name and my dead body... And then I fell through this hole and I didn't hurt myself but I bit my tongue off so blood came everywhere and then I held my tongue in my hand... The rest of the deam I couldn't speak because I had no tongue, by the end of it though apparently a small tip of it had grown back and I was able to mumble some words out with my mouth closed...



Either I've been watching NCIS too much or I just have sick thoughts in my head, biting my tongue off? Really?

I think I am beyond saving.

I think I have a crush on Agent McGee.



Yeah, watching too many episodes of NCIS can do that to you...



You can aaaallll just go ahead and laugh now.



:P

1. Playing with toy cars, buses, planes, helicopters, trains...

2. Painting, drawing and any kind of craft work probably...

3. Watching the washing machine

4. Taking walks with his little stroller

5. Dancing to all kinds of music



Ok, I can't limit this to five so...



6. Playing fotball

7. Reading books

8. Riding his car or bicycle

9. Playing with toy kitchens

10. Helping mommy in the kitchen



Yep, I think that's most of it... He likes to do puzzles and build blocks too but he's not very patient with such things...





I don't even know why I'm writing this down, might be because I have nothing better to do while Ryan is engaged in his studying of the washing machine...

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Sinora
13:50 Nov 17 2009

I'm told I used to love watching the washing go round in the machine when I was his age lol

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My absolute most favorite band in the world, in case you didn't know, is Creed.



Can you imagine my joy when I first heard, a couple of months ago, that they were going to release a new album after SEVEN years!?



I just received their new album a few days ago and I am LOVING it, it's just as beautiful and amazing if not more as the other albums.... This one is a bit heavier too, I love it.



Creed was the first actual band I got into, in 8th grade, it's what brought me from the pop music that is Britney Spears to the ecstatic that is rock and metal.



After Creed came Staind and Green Day... I've just loved these bands forever, they follow me everywhere... other bands have come and gone but these never leave me... I've had the chance to see both Green Day and Staind live in the past, two experiences which I'll never forget... I am still hoping I'll somehow by a miracle get to see Creed. I missed the chance to see Alter Bridge last year when they came to Stockholm... as much as I adore their music as well it's not the same though...



Anyways... I just wanted to say... that for the moment, when listening to these songs, I can actually feel a glimpse of the happiness I've lost and although I always seem to lose it, for a minute I can find the courage to keep going. I't simply what keeps me alive when I am too close of losing hope.



I can now add "Full Circle" to my short list of reasons why I should not jump in front of a car.

Well, it seems that I've found the right way to keep Ryan satisfied and occupied... All it takes is some classical music, some paper, paint and a brush or two.



He's been sitting by the table now for over an hour without making a sound, all calm and quiet...



Think I might be raising the next Picasso? :P

How can it get this bad?



I don't know what to do with myself, every day I just woke up with this nagging feeling of wanting, no, needing to run away. Run away from life, from obligations, expectations, anything which has the power to put me down and make me feel guilty about being who I am...



I can't face things anymore, I can barely bring myself to get out of the house. It's difficult talking to anyone and most of the time I just want to sit in a corner and figure out the easiest way to end it all.



Because I seriously think I will, who wants to live life like this? What else could there possibly be for me in life other than endless struggles, worries, let downs? I'm sick of being me, perhaps I'll be re-born into a better person... A more successful, stronger, more of a fighter... like my sister, I envy her. I envy her badass personality and attitude... I could never be so strong in myself, have such faith in myself.



I'm just a loser, a nobody, disposable. I don't want Ryan to grow up with such a mother, seeing me like this. What am I to do?



I just want to die, seriously, I have a life wish but I think my death wish might be getting stronger. Too bad I am too much of a chicken to do it myself... I don't know what scares me more, committing suicide or staying alive.

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Sinora
15:54 Nov 11 2009

Is this a good time to remind you that I'm a Spiritualist ? Which means if ya did kill yourself I would find you and nag you for all eternity *hugs*,

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I'm getting frustrated and angry with always worrying... Today I was worried AGAIN that Ryan is not doing the most out of his awake time... I mean, we don't really do much during the days... We go out for walks to the forest, the duck pond, to the park, to the store... we go to the kindergarten occasionally, we kick ball, we dance, we sing, we read a little, we run around, we play hide and seek, we draw or paint, we play with his cars... but there's a lot of time when he just doesn't do anything.



So I googled "toddler brain games" and the best advice they gave was "read, sing and expose them to a variety of experiences, activities and toys"



Well... Then I just start worrying about if I read too him enough or not (honestly I should start focusing on reading more), sing I do all the time, but exposing him to a variety of experiences, activities and toys?...



That's where I start stressing again.

The other day Ryan put a pair of my panties over his head and announced that he's a monkey.



Good to know...



Maybe I should drop him off at the zoo?

I wonder how many people are having sex right now and why am I not one of them?

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Sinora
19:53 Nov 06 2009

Erm...well I'm typing, and I don't do multi-tasking very well....lol

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DireConsequences
17:00 Nov 07 2009

I've actually been on VR during sex...



IT'S FUN!



LOL! Got to love Brett's messed up sense of punishment!

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Seriously, my greatest fear is that I'll spend the rest of my life alone and never have sex again. I want love, dammit.



What the hell happened to me?



Three or four years ago I wasn't like this, at least not as bad. Sure I had problems with feeling depressed and insecure, but I still had hopes and dreams... I still believed in myself, I was still able to socialize with people and go out... Well, I wasn't feeling perfectly fine and I shouldn't forget that I've always been shy and terribly bad at socailizing... but at least I had the courage to do so sometimes... Now I completely lack it, I'm afraid of looking into the eyes of strangers... I'm scared of even opening my mouth because I fear I might embaress myself. Well add to that that I don't really have a chance to find my way back to life seeing that I spend all my time with Ryan... And when he's asleep I have to stay at home anyways because of his night wakings...



Sigh... When will I get back to myself? When Ryan goes to school? Or will I be too busy working then... If I'll ever dare to get my ass out to work, I'm fucking scared of leaving the house sometimes. I don't feel like doing anything, ever. I would just like to sleep and stare at the wall... I feel like I totally lack any lust for life and any ambition to get myself going.



I don't know what to do with myself... I should probably phone the psychiatrist... she phoned me last week but I was too scared to answer so my sister did... and she left a message for me... haven't returned the call yet... though I really should... I feel ashamed though for having missed so many appointments... I can blame it on it colliding with Ryan's nap (and you know he can't sleep anywhere but in bed)... but if I dig deeper I know I could probably find a time in the early morning when perhaps my mom could take care of him... I don't know... I'm scared...



Ryan's napping now, took him for a little bit to the open kindergarten this morning... It's kind of like a real kindergarten only it's for parents too... Ryan doesn't seem to get used to the noise levels though, he really doesn't like too many people and kids around him... He prefers quiet and stillness... like his mommy... even when it comes to sleep, he can't fall asleep unless it's dark and quit around him... well, obviously he CAN fall asleep in a light noisy room if he's exhausted but it's difficult for him to turn off the stimuli.



I was going to take a nap too, I really need it... i'm not sleeping well lately... always tired... but I feel like it's a waste of time, there are other things to do. In the afternoon I'm taking him to the library... Swedish books suck though, they're not nearly as interesting and entertaining as English and so I need to buy him some new books... I think both of us are bored with the few old ones he's got...



Blabla...



I'm going to make some tea now and browse for those books.

Can you put toddlers on diets? Why do grand parents INSIST on stuffing kids mouth full with sweets? Why does my mom not listen?



Ryan has always had a good appetite and been a bit stout and strongly built in his body type... but since we came here his tummy has really grown!



My mom of course tells me not to worry and feeds me lies that it's GOOD that he eats much and has a round tummy... Of course it's good that he eats, but she doesn't mind much WHAT and WHEN he eats which is exactly why I became an overweight child and grew up thinking food is anything else but necessary for survival.



As much as I try to restrict his calorie intake... it's not easy when she insists that sugary "fruit" yogurts are healthy, that I'm mean for not letting him have puddings, biscuits, sweets or whatever... I DO let him for time to time but not every day for god's sake... that she gives him juice to drink all the time instead of plain good water... Gah.



What's worse she wants to watch TV most evenings, even when it's his bedtime, and she lets him watch cartoons way too often... mostly because she feels he's "in the way" when she wants to clean or whatever, or because it's a "good" way of keeping him calm and quiet. If it was up to me I wouldn't even let him watch TV at all... but how can you restrict it when he sees my mom watching it? Or when we go to my father's where the TV is on CONSTANTLY? It's not that I think it damages his brain or anything... but it hinders creative play and development.



Oh anyways... I was going to watch NCIS... Just got caught up with thinking about Ryan as usual. I'm getting tired too... should sleep... want to watch...

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xoXPinkyXox
22:56 Nov 03 2009

I think you need to have a serious talk with your mom. Yes sweets and what not are alright but in moderation.



And most of that junk food is all processed crap and full of sugar. Even homemade is better then store bought, but again in moderation.



She needs to be respectful of how you raise YOUR son. You need to tell her that, and she needs to respect that.

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Prophecy
23:18 Nov 03 2009

Thats really not too good. Case studies show kids who have candy/sweets every day are more violent when they grow up.

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Lolita
23:52 Nov 03 2009

At the end of the day he is your child. You need to make decisions that you feel are in his best interest until he reaches an age where he is capable of doing this himself.



Set ground rules for his grandparents and make it clear to them that you expect them to be followed. They may be upset but ultimately it is your decision and they need to except this in order to be part of his life.

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DireConsequences
03:45 Nov 04 2009

I have the same exact thing going on with my mom!



She's insists on giving Aurora chocolate, chips, candy, and everything else... including soda!



It drives me insane. I've talked to her about it countless times but there's no getting through. She's set in her ways and I'm set in my opinions with my daughter!



I kept Aurora away for a few days though and my mom kind of got the point. I usually don't give Aurora sweets because I know my mom will ask me about it when we go over there. I know she gets a giggle out of watching Aurora with chocolate all over her face from one or two pieces.



It's good and healthy in moderation! Just try to find a good balance!

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On a positive note...



I am LOVING "Heroes" this season!



So much yummy Zach to drool over... ha ha ha.



No, seriously, I love that man. Gorgeous. Yes. Mine. I wish. Blah.



(Milo isn't too bad either...)



Which reminds me, I had a dream the other night in which I was in love with Hiro and was attempting to have sex with him, supposidly my feelings were returned but for some reason I couldn't get him to come to me... he was like a few inches away yet so unattainable... so damn frustrating... And I was looking for Sylar really, but I guess I just took what I could get.



Ehrm, yeah, all my dreams have been similar to that one lately... Different man all the time though but the same frustration and unability to touch the man in question.



Can't I just have a sex dream with Sylar already!? My own fantasies don't satisfy me anymore... It's getting boring...



Oh well I'm off to watch NCIS now that Ryan is asleep... I need to wait a whole week for the next Heroes episode and I need to stimulate my desires somehow (DiNozzo anyone?) besides... last time I watched it was the last episodes of season 4... I have a lot of catching up to do...



Ryan was tired this morning, slept 11,5 hours but went to nap at 11 after only 3 hours awake... he slept for 2 hours... then he should have been sleeping by 7.30 PM at the latest but he absolutely could not fall asleep, he wasn't sleepy at all... so I gave up after 1,5h... We spent 1,5h playing with blocks and puzzles until he finally got tired by 10 PM.... sigh. I wonder if I need to find ways to tire him more during the day... I wouldn't know how though, he runs around a lot at home and outside he's always encouraged to run as long as I have a ball with me... He's not really interested in taking long walks in the forest though, he much prefers sitting down in his pushchair. I don't know why on earth he wasn't tired at bedtime today, usually he always is and I didn't do anything different with him today... We only went out to the store in the afternoon so we stayed at home not doing much at all most of the day... but that hasn't disrupted his sleep before...



Oh well, I'm tired of worrying about that, we'll see how tired he'll be in the morning now... I'm off to watch NCIS now and occupy my mind with sexier thoughts.



night, night...

I've been disattached from the world of love and attraction for such a long time now that it's starting to... get frustrating.



I'm not a loner by nature and had my confidence not been broken, had my courage been greater and my mind a little bit wiser... I would have had my needs met.



As it is now however this is one of the main reasons behind my depression, at least that's what I think. I simply lack the basic need of love and physical contact...



So basically I've been having strange dreams lately which are clearly expressing this... I feel so sexually and emotionally frustrated it's driving me mad.



I feel like I'll never have anything like that again.

COMMENTS

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Sinora
18:59 Nov 03 2009

Damn...should I start up a collection for a toy boy for ya hon ? *grins*.

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Today I feel good, and when I feel good I love being with Ryan, and when I love being with Ryan I wonder how on earth I'm going to put him in kindergarten in January?... IF I do...



I see mainly two positive things about sending him there, for one he'll learn Swedish, he'll gain some independence and perhaps make some friends... maybe he'll learn more than he does being at home with me all the time.



On the other hand however... I don't know how I'm going to stand his crying when I leave him there in the mornings, and missing him during the days... On these good days I miss him terribly when mom takes him for an hour or two... And from a financial point of view I would have to go to work to pay the fee and because I would lose the allowance I'll be getting now that he's at home with me.



Yeah, I just found out two weeks ago that there's a 300$ allowance when you are at home with a child between 1-3 years... If only I had know that last year, I've lost a lot of money which I need. I've applied for it now though and I'll see if it gets accepted this month... it must because I'll barely have anything to live on otherwise... The good news is that you get half the allowance on the condition that your child is not at kindergarten for more than 25h/week... I wasn't planning on keeping him there for more then between 9 AM - 2 PM anyways... My siblings are there for a full 8 hours, have been since they were 11 months and 14 months.



Unfortunately Yendor can't help me out financially, though I've applied for child support now which the government will have to pay until he can start paying them back.



Still... I must get my ass to work next year... And I'm really scared of doing it... Despite these good days I have from time to time I'm not feeling any better at all, I'm just stuck in my depression. I have to call the therapist I was supposed to see weeks ago... but I can't bring myself to do it or anything... Only reason I get out of bed in the morning is because of Ryan... Otherwise I don't know how I'd find the courage to keep living. I'm going to have to overcome this phone phobia or whatever I should call it though, and make an appointment... I was also supposed to go to the employment office a week ago, I'm going to have to do it this week...



Sigh.



Ryan's birthday turned out well outside of the fact that he was dreadfully tired, having had only 8 hours of sleep at night and 45 minutes during the day because we stayed over at my father's the night before... And I had to run down to BUY him a cake while he took his nap, unfortunately though he woke up while I was gone and my mom couldn't get him back to sleep... Later he fell asleep at 7 PM, slept until 7 AM and now napped between 12.30 - 14.30 PM... So now he's rested but I can't count on him going to sleep before 8 PM which means he won't get the same amount of sleep tonight. Sigh.



Anyways... He got a ride on car which he LOVES, I had to leave his other one back in Malta so it was about time he got it back... Then he got a car parking with ramps for his cars which he doesn't really play with much... then a set of wooden blocks, a drum which he is playing on all the time now and singing to... He also got some new cars and a train set.



I still have to get him new books and puzzles though, he hasn't got nearly enough books and unfortunately the library doesn't offer much of interest... there are no english books obviously and the swedish ones just aren't as good...



For Christmas I'll have to get him a toy kitchen and some pots and pans, he LOVES playing with it at my father's.



Right now mom put on cartoons for him again... sigh... if it wasn't for me she'd let him waste too much time in front of that TV and give him too much sweets. I'm waiting for my aunt to come by, she was working yesterday but wanted to see Ryan today at least.



Oh, Ryan also got a cute bath robe from my mom's friend... It was really nice of her... I haven't gotten him much clothes really, he has enough to keep him warm... Clothes are so expensive that I'd rather spend that money on much needed toys... I've had to resist my urge to buy him all those cute clothes for now.



I'm tired... I haven't slept well all week, I slept for hours now with Ryan so I'm rested enough to last... but I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks...



I have to go distract him now and switch off that damn tv.