10:06 Nov 10 2008
Times Read: 852
Most days I live in numbness, I take one hour at a time doing my best to avoid my emotions overcome me. Sometimes, I fail. Sometimes one or two thoughts sneak through my barrier and I'm being sucked into my emotional turmoil.
I do my best to do be responsible and do what's expected of me, all along suppressing my emotional state so that it won't get in the way for my responsibilities. I spend my days thinking intensely about what to cook, when I can find time to clean, what to talk to Ryan about... Having to focus real hard to keep my thoughts on track and stay in the present... Although far too many times I find myself drifting away from Ryan.
I hate days like this, days when I let myself feel. Well, not let myself, when I can't hide it anymore.
I go through every day wondering, why am I not feeling happy? Why am eating this when I don't really want to? Why do I have this pressure over my chest all the time? Truth is, the answers are all in there, I just don't let myself see them. No, I have to "snap out of it" constantly, keep suppressing it, keep ignoring i, keep living and smiling, being there for Ryan.
For the longest time I've been feeling depressed without actually feeling anything, or feeling why. I've been too busy cleaning to care about why I'm so down.
Now, the conversation I had with my mom a few days ago didn't affect me at first... Suddenly, today, one thought slips through and I break down.
I was determined to go to Sweden on Wednesday, if that's what my mom wants, fine, I'll go and make her happy. I began realizing today I'm not looking forward to going, I'm actually dreading it. And I hate the thought of taking Ryan away from Yendor for two weeks if I'm not even going to benefit from the stay.
Today I began to think about my best friend... And it slowly dawned on me that I'm not going to meet her. Fuck the concert, fuck my family, fuck Sweden, it's her I need. For 8 years she's been there for me and I love her, I love her so much. I can't go to Sweden if I don't meet her... Of course I want to meet my family, but I remembered the reason I booked the tickets in the first place was to meet her. Even if it's only for 2 days, I need her. If my mother doesn't understand that, fine. I wrote her a mail saying that I'm sorry, she hurt my feelings and I've lost all desire to come home and that I won't be going on Wednesday, perhaps not at all. I don't care if it disappoints her now, she deserves it for the way she treated me.
I don't know if it's got to do with the fact that I got all absorbed in Ryan and all my time suddenly had to be dedicated to him, but I feel like I've lost everyone. I am so fucking lonely. I thought I had friends on VR, the past years VR had been a big part of my life and I had find so much comfort here... I realized now, it's all gone. I have not a single person I message anymore here, and the one person I really got attached to doesn't even seem to want me anymore... I tried messaging her once, twice, no reply. Why? I loved her... I still love her. My heart is broken and it pains me even more when I think about how... another person's heart much have been broken by the same woman's actions. Oh God.
It's not just her and VR, even the few friends I had in real life seem to have disappeared. Aside from my best friend, I had one close friend who actually lived in Stockholm... I met her once during the summer, but it was far from what it used to be... Our friendship wasn't there anymore.
Truth is... I have no friends, I have no one to turn to, no one to talk to but Yendor and my best friend. Of course, that's enough for me but... It depresses me. It's so hard for me to make friends, in real life especially... And then the thought of not meeting her now that I was going to Sweden... I can't cope with that. I can't go there knowing I'll be in the same country but not meeting her.
And then I can't stand the thought of meeting my father and his family... It makes me anxious, he's always made me feel worthless and I don't want to put myself in that environment, I already feel bad enough. I know I've gained weight and that's the first thing they'll comment on...I'm insecure enough as it is, thank you very much.
Sigh... I'm just going to go read while Ryan is still sleeping, I'm afraid of being alone with my thoughts, I'd rather just get lost in another world. I've read 3 books this past week... Finishing the Twilight series now...
God, if anyone even bothers to read this. I don't have friends anymore, what the fuck happend?
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