The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

There is something major occupying my mind, something which puts a heavier burden on my already deeply rooted depressive state.



And I'm too ashamed to admit what that is, way too ashamed.

In what world do your dreams come true??



I have yet to find it.



I'm getting sick of a life consisting of broken dreams and broken hearts.



Dammit!

I had another panic attack today and as with the previous two I had no idea where it came from, suddenly I just find myself unable to breathe and feeling like I'm about to die.



I feel like I've been going to sleep all drugged up from the sedatives all week, three attacks is a lot considering I haven't had any in quite some time.



Nothing has really been different this week, I'm feeling more depressed than usual but that usually isn't a trigger...



I feel like I have a fucking snare tied around my throat, having someone pulling it tightly every time I turn my head.



Oh, how much more can I complain really? You all know how I feel I'm living a kind of life I wasn't meant to live, and am dying to find a way out of it.



I hate that I obviously can't just shut myself up and live with it.



I am so fucking unhappy it's not even funny anymore, and every day I wonder how the hell I'm going to get through years of this torture. A lifetime, actually, not years... Well, until Ryan grows up. Though by then I'll be too old to do anything, my life will be over.



Oh who the fuck cares, perhaps I'll be reborn as a French prostitute in my next life, maybe that'll shut my fat mouth up.

COMMENTS

-

---

FallenPixie
04:43 May 31 2009

Awww, Sweety!!! Don't feel like that!!! You'll never be too old; it's not possible. And you have people that love you prolly more than you know ♥ ♥



I'm sorry you're feeling so yucky; I wish there was sooo much more I could do! *HUGS*

---

POST COMMENT

Indeed, what a marvelous child I have.



He woke me up at 7.15 AM this morning and went to sleep after 11 PM, with a 2 hour nap in between that.



That's a lot, even to be him.



It's midnight and I am sitting down in peace for the first time (today?).



I'm FUCKING exhausted.

Ryan is learning to count!



He can say the numbers 2,3,8,9 and 10 out loud with me (whenever he feels like it, I've noticed that he can say much more than he shows.. he certainly keeps things to himself!)



He is still learning the numbers in between, although I often catch him counting things in his own language, he simply loves doing it. He has several books where you count fish or whatever and those happen to be his favorites ones at the moment.



He is also putting together two word sentences now with the small vocabulary he has, he goes around saying things like "moo nam nam" or "two titties" haha...



Speaking of vocabulary he keeps increasing it, his new words are:



Hot

Cookie

Biscuit

Happy

This, that

Bye

Beach



I can't remember the others...



We took him to the beach the other day and are probably taking him again tomorrow, the only good thing about living here. He seemed to like it a lot.



One thing which is bothering me A LOT now is how people feed their kids in this country, and especially how they so generously offer Ryan the same shit...



I mean, OK, one biscuit, a little ice cream or freshly squeezed juices I don't mind giving him, but his grandparents INSIST on giving him biscuits of chocolate EVERY TIME we go there which is once a week or more, and not just once biscuit, sometimes two...



I see parents at the park giving their kids crisps, cokes, lollipops, chips...



And sometimes a nice old lady buys him a packet of crisps or gives him a chocolate bar.



Now, I am not so rude as to not accept what they give him, but as soon as they turn the other way I do my best to throw the shit away or explain to Ryan that it's bad for him.



Surprisingly enough, which leads me to the other reason why he is so amazing, is that he ALWAYS listens!



I let him have a crisp or two but then I slowly explain to him that it's yucky and will make him feel bad, and instead I offer him a cracker or some fruit, he accepts that explanation and gladly takes what I give him instead, completely forgetting about that rubbish empty calories snacks.



Just this morning an old lady bought him a packet of crisps, I got so tired of the whole thing that I eventually just let him have a few... but then when I read the ingredients which included E numbers and GLUTAMAT in specific, I quickly gave him the crackers instead... Glutamat is proven to be VERY bad for your body, increasing your hunger feelings and making you eat more for one.



Then as we were going home from the park for his nap, a man who was there with his kids gave him a carton of juice... Well, not actually juice... More like five teaspoons of sugar mixed with a little water and "fruit pulp", what the hell? I let him have some sips but then told him it was not good and gave him some milk to drink instead, without problems.



I love my child, I love him for being so well behaved, attentive, respectful, obedient and simply wonderful.



Could you wish for more?



Now I must get my ass up and clean a but before he wakes up...

COMMENTS

-

---

ShatteredAngel
18:54 May 29 2009

He sounds like such an intelligent young man. He'll probably be running around the house counting everything in no time. I am glad to hear that he is talking so much more in just a month or so since you were getting worried about it, just shows that he was absorbing all of it first.

And I am glad to hear that he is so good at listening and understanding what you tell him about food. Learning that fruit, veggies, dairy, etc is better than sweets will be a great thing when he's older. It's soo much more healthy and proper for the body. We get people here that look at us funny because we don't give my boyfriend's toddler chocolate or other sweets, that instead he prefers to eat bananas or other fruit when he wants a sweet "treat", but we know it's better for him. Besides he sees my daughter eat, and she eats very healthy food since she is only allowed a vegetarian diet, so he wants to be like her, and she grew up knowing fruit and such were sweet and delicious as well.

But anyways I digressed a bit.



He sounds like such an amazing boy, and he will grow into such an impressive man with all the great skills and choices you are teaching him now.

---

deathnitegrl
16:14 May 31 2009

No surprise Malta became first for obesity, wow we surpassed America!



Yeah we have a lot of fat kids.

---

POST COMMENT

Why do I feel so... I don't know, hopeless?



I can't even put words on my feelings anymore.

I've realized the main problem in my life is that there is no balance between good and evil, so to speak.



No one can be completely happy, there is always something that could change or improve, but there is a chance of being content if you manage to keep that balance.



Well, I used to have a pretty good balance. It wasn't perfect, in fact it was mostly downhill, but I had things which occasionally outweighed the negative in my life.



Today when I began thinking about this I realized that's where the problem lies, somewhere along the lines of having the baby and moving out, it started to break down, piece by piece.



Now I am standing at zero.



I mean, literally, I have only one thing which can compete against all the negative aspects of my life, and that is obviously Ryan.



Everything else is just shit.



I could write down a whole list of things which upset me both in general and in everyday life, but I find it would be way too depressing and time consuming...



And what would it help me, anyway?

Perhaps I could get a clear picture of what is bringing me down and slowly try to change things, only some things seem impossible to change. And where do I find the time and energy to change?



I've been feeling really down, more so than usual, these past few days, maybe it's because of that time in the month, at least it probably enhances my feelings... It's been a bit better today, Ryan always manages to cheer me up... I just feel guilty about those few times I broke down and even shouted at him... Although I sincerely hope I've made up with him now, I spent all morning just playing with him.



I have also gone directly to sleep with him at night, which is why I've been a bit absent... it leaves no time for myself, but I feel more rested... In fact I think I could use a whole day of just sleeping to regain my energies.



Must go. nap time is over/

COMMENTS

-

---

ShatteredAngel
16:25 May 26 2009

I wish I have had more time to comment lately, as I feel bad for not responding to your other entries.

Unfortunately sometimes life does seem to be a sliding slope instead of a balance. Sometimes you luck out and it is sliding to the good and positive items. But many times it seems to just always slide towards the sadness and problems. Please realize that things may seem bleak at times, but there has to be better coming eventually, as the world really does get in balance but sometimes it seems to take forever. It took me a long time to see that myself, but it does happen, even if sometimes it takes months or years to shift that balance back towards the good.

You have the right idea though, spending time with the person you know lights up your life, your son will help to ward off the negative. And yes, sometimes you have your moments even with him, but he knows you love him and he sees how much you care. Perhaps it will allow him to see that even though you are such a huge part of his universe that you are not perfect, and therefore he doesn't have to be as long as he knows you still love him for his faults as well as his greatest accomplishments, which I already know you do.

Also, going to sleep with him at night is perfectly acceptable. If it helps you feel rested and better, than do it. Parents sometimes have to take that time to do as the children do just to recoup and have energy. And if people can't understand that, then I feel sorry for them. Supportive friends, family, and people you chat with will certainly understand.

I don't know if that helps you at all, but remember that there are people to chat with when things are overwhelming, and sometimes just writing it down does help as well.

---

POST COMMENT

Today has been even worse.



In the afternoon I was having a panic attack for the first time in several months, if not years. I don't know where the hell it came from or why, but the pressure over my chest is much heavier than it was.



I can't even control myself anymore, I have so much pain, frustration and anger inside me that it just pours out whenever I lower my defenses, and they get lowered against my will. I too often lash out around Ryan, causing things like I did just now - he fell asleep according to his usual hour in the car on the way back home, but what happens? He wakes up again and won't fall back asleep, and I lose it.



I just spent two hours crying and being unable to even look at him.



He fell asleep nearly 3 hours after his supposed bedtime, meaning that he will probably go back to waking up at 9 AM.



Just that gets on my nerves, it is an INCREDIBLY difference when he wakes up after 6 AM, we actually don't miss out on the morning.



But that just triggers whatever is bothering me, it's not the actualy issue.



I just want to be a normal, good, happy mother. I don't want him to see me like this.



All I know is I'll never be happy, and I have to live with it.



What's wrong with me?

Is there a limit to how many baby signs a toddler can take in?



Ryan is like a sponge, these past few days he's picked up a couple of new ones... I think he must have nearly what, 50 signs now?



And I just want to teach him more, it is SO much fun communicating with him like this! I thank God I learned about this, or I would be stuck at the pointing stage with him trying to figure out what he wants... The best part though is that he actually tells and asks me things by using the signs, and lately he has been using two signs after another...



I think a week ago he saw a cat hiding under a car, so he did the cat sign immediately followed by hide. Today at the park he asked me where the ball is by doing the "where" sign followed by the "ball" sign.



Ryan rarely has any tantrums and I think is MUCH thank to his ability to communicate like this, combined with the fact that I always pay attention to him and have learned to recognize his common needs and wants...



Here's a rough list of the new signs he has learned, although I don't think I remember them all anymore... In fact sometimes I confuse them, and I was worried about them confusing Ryan...



Butterfly

Bee

Tigger (the cartoon, he LOVES him)

Swing

Swim

Plane

Clean

Dirty

Mouse

Book

Drink

Jump

Help



I want to start teaching him about emotions, I haven't really emphasized it until now and it makes me unsure whether he understands the meaning of happy and sad... And I want him to be able to express his emotions and understand them.



Anyways... the house is a complete MESS, he just fell asleep and I was going to clean up a bit but... I'm too tired, I need to rest as well... I find it difficult to nap in the middle of the day though, it often takes me at least 20 minutes to fall asleep and by that time I have, if I'm lucky, an hour or less to actually sleep. Then I wake up all drowsy and find it hard to get myself going, so I most often try to avoid doing that... and I enter overtired mode...



I just can't seem to get enough rest, and there is never enough time! I spend most of my days just playing and being with Ryan, yet I feel guilty every 5 minutes I spend away from him doing something else (A.k.a. cleaning)



I'll never stop feeling guilty, will I?



I should stop typing now and go to bed...

COMMENTS

-

---

ShatteredAngel
16:55 May 24 2009

That is great that he is learning so quickly. Sign language is a great item for anyone to learn, but especially at a young age when words can be hard to pronounce or remember. I am sure that you are right that it is why he has so little temper tantrums as a large majority of toddler temper tantrums are due to their lack of ability to communicate in other ways.

And as for the feeling guilty? That is a part of being a mom, always wanting what is best for your child and wanting to spend all your time insuring it. Keep in mind that you are being an awesome mom to him, and that even though you would love to spend every moment of the day with him it does benefit him to have some time being independent every day, even if it is 5 minutes during cleaning or whatnot.

---

POST COMMENT

The only bad thing about constantly burying shit inside you, is that at one point or another it's bound to come out.



I'm sitting here totally exhausted and with an empty feeling inside, an emotional wreck in other words.



Today has been one of those days...



It began this morning after I finished watching Return of the Jedi, I was talking to Yendor about the fates of Yoda and Vader and began crying... I still can't let it go, it's so sad.



Then I spent most of the morning feeling tired and being grumpy, shouting at Yendor...



I failed with making a sauce for the meat today and it got to me, then when Ryan wanted a piece of Yendor's bread I completely LOST it... I don't know why but it sure wasn't because of that, I just yelled "FUCK" and ran out of the kitchen slamming doors.



Then I calmed down a bit while doing a few yoga poses with Ryan.



After some time we had to go grocery shopping, and back home I break down over the fact that we have gone down so much on our savings... I cry, cry and cry unable to stop... All while we're discussing whether we should go to Sweden or not in September.



So, I go to check ticket prices for the Dream Theater and later the Green Day concert, only to find out that GD has been outsold.



Somewhere there I lose control, scream as if someone had died, fall down on the floor and cry hysterically.



Now... I am in a state of false calmness.



I am so distressed and disappointed I don't even know how to express my sorrow.



It feels like my heart has been torn out and stepped on.



Sure, there are tickets for sale on the black market, for double the price...



For a while I left my reasonable self and told Yendor I would buy one, only to get dragged back on earth by him basically forbidding me from doing it... And in turn getting me extremely pissed off at him... Though I calmed down after only a minute.



I've been so close to tears all day, luckily Ryan doesn't seem to have been very concerned... unless he just hides his feelings as I've read Scorpios do...



Right now I don't know what to do, Yendor is dying to go see Dream Theater and get a break from work... but going to Sweden would be madness from the financial point of view.



Question is what is more important?



If we go, we won't starve, we have some savings left... but I hate the idea of spending that money.



And now that I won't get to see Green Day...



But how can I refuse Ryan the joy of going there?



Bah.



He went to sleep at 7PM already, exhausted as well... He has been waking up at 6 AM the past few days... Today he only napped for 1,5H and I kept him up for an extra hour because I felt 5.30PM was a bit early to go to sleep for him... I would risk having him waking up in the middle of the night.



I will probably go to sleep myself soon, I'm so tired.



But not before I forget about this shitty life for a few and enter my dreamworld.



Good night, everyone.

COMMENTS

-

---

ShatteredAngel
16:48 May 24 2009

Aw, I feel bad for you that the tickets were already sold out. I can certainly understand the range of emotions when faced with something you wanted so bad as that.

As for whether or not to go even though you can not go to the concert... I don't know what to say on that, because it is a personal decision. Only you know how much it would be a relaxation for all of you, only you know how much dipping into your savings would stress you, and only you know how quickly you could replenish those savings... All I can say is discuss it and weigh all the pros and cons of going...

---

POST COMMENT

I need recipe ideas, pronto...



Preferably something which is cheap, easy, quick and most of all healthy...



Oh the demands in today's society, people used to be happy just going fishing and eat whatever they managed to catch for dinner.



...



I prefer low carb recipes too, I give Ryan pasta only in emergency situation when there is nothing else to cook or he is too hungry to wait... He usually only picks out the pasta, doesn't matter what fantastic sauce I serve it with, and pasta is only empty carbs... although slightly better when it's whole wheat I hope...



As for rice and potatoes, he only gets little of those... Mainly I try to make his diet consist of fish, chicken, meat, eggs, vegetables and fruit... not counting his oat porridge for breakfast... and the occasional biscuits his grandparents INSIST on giving him... And yes, even I let him have an ice cream, a biscuit or a piece of chocolate once in awhile when he's being ultra sweet :P



You can't deny a child the pleasure of sweets, but you can restrict it...



He also LOVES tortilla wraps with different fillings, so that little bread he gets... They seriously lack good, healthy breads here so whenever I find the time I TRY to bake it myself for him...



And then this little boy loves smoothies and apple juice, and not to mention milk... He doesn't like drinking water much although I insist on giving it to him...



Eh, I was just going to ask you for recipes...got carried away.



Must sleep.

COMMENTS

-

---

ladySnowStrixx
03:25 May 23 2009

ok hon try this,



Blueberry Peach Bread

For a change substitute blueberries and peaches with dried pineapple

and dried papaya.



Servings: 12



‹ Back to Breads



• 2 3/4 cups bread flour (2 3/4 to 3 1/4 cups)

• 4 teaspoons sugar

• 1 package Fleischmann's® Rapid Rise Yeast

• 1 teaspoon salt

• 1/2 cup water

• 1/2 cup nonfat peach yogurt

• 2 egg whites

• 1/3 cup dried blueberries or dried cranberries

• 1/3 cup cut-up dried peaches



Preheat oven to 375ºF.



In large bowl, combine 1 cup flour, sugar, undissolved yeast and salt. Heat water and yogurt until very warm (120 to 130ºF); stir into dry ingredients. Stir in egg whites, dried blueberries, dried peaches and enough remaining flour to make soft dough. On lightly floured surface, knead until smooth and elastic, about 4 to 6 minutes. Cover; let rest 10 minutes.



Roll dough to 11 × 7-inch rectangle. Beginning at short end, roll up tightly; pinch seam and ends to seal. Place, seam side down, in greased 8 × 4-inch loaf pan. Cover; let rise in warm, draft-free place until doubled in size, about 30 to 45 minutes.



Bake at 375ºF for 30 to 35 minutes or until done. Remove from pan; cool on wire rack.



Per Serving: 139 Calories; 1g Fat (3.9% calories from fat); trace Saturated Fat; 5g Protein; 28g Carbohydrate; 1g Dietary Fiber; trace Cholesterol; 196mg Sodium. Exchanges: 1 1/2 Grain(Starch); 0 Lean Meat; 0 Fruit; 0 Non-Fat Milk; 0 Other Carbohydrates.

---

ShatteredAngel
16:58 May 24 2009

As far as I know it should work for you... but www.kraftfoods.com has an item on it that lets you put in various ingredients and it will search the recipes for ones that match.

---

POST COMMENT

So it seems we're going to Sweden in September,



apparently, Yendor will lose his mind otherwise...



If you ask me though, it's been lost for a long time.



:P



Green Day, here I come!



(Actually I will end up at home out of worry of leaving Ryan without me, especially when it's his bedtime!)

So many thoughts gather during the days that I could just sit here and write them down for hours.



I wish I could.



Because at the end of the day, only a fraction of those thoughts are left and I basically sit here wondering how to get it all off my chest.



Well, tonight is another night when I fail to just tell it all.



And tomorrow will be another day when I in between all the games and laughs will be dying to just sit down and write.



I'll have to sit here and keep wishing for that day off which will never come...



Ok, never is a bit over dramatic, make it a couple of years.

At the playground today a 4 year old boy was playing with Ryan, he also took the time to pick a million flowers for me and calling me "Miss".



Miss???



When did I become a "Miss"???



He said it as if I was an adult, that's the point.



How can the world look at me as an adult when I still feel like such a little child, both at heart and mind?



It must be a bad dream, soon I'll wake up in my cozy bed as the 15 year old girl I really am.



Yep, soon, I'm waiting...



Hello?



K, time to wake up!



Hrm...



You can't be serious? This is not a dream? But of course it is a dream!



I am soooooo far from being an adult. So far.



I mean, like miles away.

Hundreds of miles.



I think I'm having a crisis here.

More words! :D



"Sea"

"Dark"

"Clean"

"Hat"

"Tree"

"Ap..." For Apple

"That"

"Bee"

"Tam" ("There" in Polish)



They just keep coming!



Just tonight he said "Hat" for the first time in the bath while putting a plastic cup on his head...



I think the "silly hats" game is paying off. :P

You know what the only good thing about giving up everything for this boy is?



Seeing the results.



He is turning out to be such an amazing, loving, confident, sociable, well behaved, respectful, amiable and amusing little man.



And that, my friends, means that I have accomplished something in life. It might not be a master degree in English, but it's someone who might or might not make a difference in this world - in any case, he is most absolutely worth it.



(Even if it means missing out on all the concerts in the world)

COMMENTS

-

---

FallenPixie
23:47 May 20 2009

And yet...you have made a difference...not only in his ;-)

---

POST COMMENT

The idea of conceiving another child at this point is completely absurd.



Yes, absolutely insane and not to mention incredibly foolish.



I would be out of my mind to even consider it.

I would have to be barking mad.

Mad as a hatter.





--------------------------------



Yeah, keep telling yourself that...

Thinking about it more thoroughly, desperately wanting to go to a concert is something my younger self would do and that part of me is lost. I am a mother now, an adult and... I need to think with my head and not my heart. I need to grow up and stop dwelling in my past.



(Easier said than done)



Honestly, attending a concert and going back home for a few weeks won't change a thing.



I think this is just another blow I'll have to take, and I'll stitch myself up again accordingly.



(I hope I don't explode from all the shit I've buried inside)

COMMENTS

-

---

Jens
01:06 May 20 2009

Just like a high-quality champagne, you can shake the bottle, but the choice is yours if you wish to pop the cork or slowly let the presssure out over time. The only differences between the two choices are time and how much mess you have to clean up afterwards. ;)

---

ShatteredAngel
02:39 May 20 2009

I can certainly understand both sides of this, it is hard to be an adult sometimes when faced with things we long for as much as you do for the concert and heading home... I know I feel that same urge right now because 2 of my favorite bands are playing this summer in the states, and neither are playing in my area so I would have to travel to see them, which is not an option at this point, so I too had to miss out on those choices.

And yes you are a mom, and yes that does come first and foremost, but there will come a time when you will be able to do things like go to a concert even though you are a mom, it will just take time, patience, and unfortunately money (don't you wish we didn't need money...). So, keep in mind that while it may not happen at this time, perhaps another great opportunity will happen in the future that you will be able to attend.

---

POST COMMENT

I don't want to go to bed at night because I dread having to wake up in the morning.



What's wrong with that picture?

COMMENTS

-

---

Jens
00:46 May 20 2009

You're going to bed at the wrong time, that's what I'd guess is wrong. LOL :)

---

POST COMMENT

I'm going to die.



No, seriously, I'm going to die if I don't get my ass to Stockholm in October and see Green Day...



Yes, they are coming to Sweden.



Yes, I saw them a few years ago in Gothenburg.



And yes, it was the BEST DAMN SHOW I'VE EVER SEEN AND THE BEST EXPERIENCE OF MY WHOLE LIFE!



I bought their new CD and it is better than "American Idiot"...



I have 3 all time favorite bands in my life, and them being:



1. Creed/Alter Bridge

2. Staind

3. Green Day



I was going to see AB last November, but they changed the dates after I had booked my flights which I later couldn't rebook...



It still pains me...



Now I have a change to heal that wound a little by going to Green Day...



Only problem is, I need to find a money tree.



Anyone know where they grow?



I'm going to die, I've never wanted anything so bad in my life as this... One night, even if I end up having to go by myself, one night of being ME again and doing what I love most...



God, I would give up anything for that.



I'm going to die if I don't make it, I swear, I'm going to die.

COMMENTS

-

---

Jens
00:41 May 20 2009

When you find that money tree, get me some seeds, coz I'd like to grow me one too. :) lol

---

POST COMMENT

Me and Yendor are constantly bickering over whether or not we should cut Ryan's hair.



I adore his long curls, he looks exactly like I did as a baby.



However, I'm beginning to think that perhaps Yendor is right this once in suggesting that he should have more boyish haircut...



Some random people keep thinking he's a girl.



Gah!

COMMENTS

-

---

Jens
22:49 May 18 2009

I was three before my parents cut off my golden lockes. It was shoulder length and blonde.



I would suggest allowing Ryan to decided when his hair is to be cut. :)

---

Idiosyncrasy
02:06 May 19 2009

I'm a stylist and this is such a common struggle between parents. On top of that, my family was just talking last night about my lil bro's hair(He's now 23), my parents fought so hard over those blonde locks! It was crazy.

I agree with Jens though.

---

POST COMMENT

In response to my previous journal entry,



I would never refer to my son as a mistake. He has nothing to do with whatever I am going through right now, in fact he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He makes me happy and I love being a mother. I can't regret having given birth to him because he is the most precious thing, I would have to be heartless to ever look at him as a wrong choice.



So please don't misunderstand me, I do occasionally miss my freedom as any mother does but that doesn't in any way mean I don't want to be where I am at now.



I have been and continue to deal with it and I am being much more responsible now than I ever was before, as I am expected to be. I wouldn't dream of ever running away from it.



My wrong choices lie in when I had the baby, where I had him and with whom.



The one thing which led me on this path is how much of an impulsive child I am, most often acting before I give myself a chance to think.



I was nowhere near ready to give up my youth and freedom, my education, my friends, my family and my home in order to get involved in a serious relationship and have a child.



Yet, my impulsiveness and naiveness led me straight into this trap. So here I am, forced into becoming the adult I am today.



And I am very much dealing with it, believe me.

COMMENTS

-

---

NightBlossom
22:02 May 18 2009

Any mother or friend of a mother should have known doubly well that you would NEVER think like that.

I may not agree with your depression, but everyone gets depressed. I read your journal entries and know that you are a good mother and you love your son.



This ladysnowstrixx thinks herself higher on the food chain than the rest of us and I find that she has no place telling you off in such a personal and open manner. You shouldn't have had to justify your own entries or your choice of words. If she really had an inkling of a clue as to the person you are she would have kept her yap shut.



I think you're doing the best you can as a mother given your situation and I support you.

---

Jens
22:52 May 18 2009

Just do the best you can and learn to live with the choices you make. :) I know you're not a bad mother, not even in the least. You have so much love in you for Ryan, and it shows.

---

ShatteredAngel
01:06 May 19 2009

Just from reading your journal and the few times we have chatted, I know that your son is your world. I have seen you care for him with all your heart, even when the depression has you in a deep hold. You are a great mother who takes time every day to be with him, teach him, play with him, and make sure he's well taken care of, all before your needs even when you want to just take a rest.



And I did not respond to your earlier entry only because I did not have the time then... But I did not think you were whining or referring to him as a mistake in any way. You were being a young mom, looking at friends the same age without the same responsibilities and wondering the "what ifs" and just wanting a moment of that time to be just young. I think all young moms go through this while raising their children, no matter how much their children are their world. It's not saying your child is a mistake, it is just human nature to wonder what might have been...

I was a young mom myself, I had my first child at 20years old and raised her as a single mom due to circumstance. And no matter how rough it was raising a high medical needs child alone, I wouldn't trade my time with her for anything... That being said, there were many a time I watched my friends going out to celebrate things like their 21st birthday and wondering what it would be like to just be free for a night... Then I look at my daughter and realize yes it would be fun, but I get to have her in my life, and somehow it just didn't seem worth the "freedom".

I see that you have taken responsibility not only for your great son, but also for your actions that brought you to the place you are at now. I know that with the strong person you are that you will find a way to get past the sadness/depression and hardship someday.

---

POST COMMENT

I read a text this morning from an old friend of mine, she asked me what I was doing and ended it by saying she was going on a road trip with a friend.



I would kill to go on a road trip with her, KILL.



And again I bang my head against the wall, bashing myself for having made the wrong choices in life...



Stupid, stupid girl.

COMMENTS

-

---

ladySnowStrixx
15:08 May 18 2009

Are you saying you son was a wrong choice? could you look in his sweet face and tell him that ? everyone in life has a path you fallowed yours ,get over it and stop whining and go on with your life, pull up your big girl panties and deal with it , did you ever think you might have something she envies?

---

Jens
22:51 May 18 2009

Life is full of choices. How we handle and accept the choices we make determines our character.



You want to go on a road trip, now your challenge is to find a way to make it work. As my motto goes, "Anything is possible, if you know how!"

---

POST COMMENT

It looks like the recession has finally hit us.



We haven't really been rich before - but this morning we had to come up with a savings plan and the outcome is not pretty.



Let's just put it this way, we won't be going to Sweden for a couple of months. We can go at Christmas if we're lucky.



However in order to accomplish that we need to live on a very strict food budget - meaning only buy enough to survive and avoid buying anything but that.



I think I just bought the last couple of books for Ryan this week...



I hate life, as if it wasn't bad enough now I can't even rest on the thought that we have enough money.



Grrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!

COMMENTS

-

---

Jens
01:11 May 20 2009

Welcome to my world. The trick to living like this is to know where to put your money. Spending wisely and thoughtful of the future. It took me 5 years of wanting, then two years of saving up for, to be able to buy my digital camera that I now have. And I ended up getting a better one than I was going to get too. So sometimes, if you know how to budget well, you'll find that you can do a whole lot more with less money. This is something learned over time, so the more you live poor, the more you learn to spend wisely.



Miss ya, and thanks for the brief convo, it was great to talk to you again. Love ya, JGB!

---

POST COMMENT

My son is brilliant.



Enough said.

More words!



Today he said "peach", "cheeks" and surprisingly enough "pizza" he just repeated the word after me even though it was the first time he heard it! :)



So naturally, I made a pizza for dinner...

COMMENTS

-

---

FallenPixie
01:41 May 17 2009

Awwwww!! So cute!!!! ♥ ♥ ♥

---

POST COMMENT

Is it possible to shut down the brain?



I don't want to think - Not tonight.



I want to make myself believe everything is fine.



Maybe I should just go to sleep.

COMMENTS

-

---

FallenPixie
23:23 May 15 2009

Don't worry hun, everyone deserves a little non-thinking-veggie time! ♥

---

Idiosyncrasy
23:52 May 15 2009

Sometimes a nap can cure things. Others times, it's drugs.

---

POST COMMENT

I can't imagine I was ever worried about him not saying any words, he seems to be getting to the point where he can repeat words now! Well, he's not there yet but I am confident he will be soon... For now it looks like he learns a new word every few days. Though all of them are in English... I feel I don't speak to him enough in Polish and I simply must try harder, he needs to know his heritage! To be honest though, my vocabulary in English is much richer now than my Polish one, which is one of the reasons why I find speaking to him in English goes much more smoothly... But again, I have to try harder.



Anyways, I have a few words to add to his list now :)



Mummy/Mama

Daddy

Nana/Nanu

Baba (He learned that it refers to my mother)

Puppy

Beep beep

No

Moo

Baby

Tak ("Yes" in Polish)

Poo poo

Pee pee...

Pee poo

Miaow

Nam nam

Yummy

Bye (although he has only said it once, I swear I heard him say it, but now when I ask him to say it he just does the sign...)

Wee

Eyes

Knees

Three (He LOVES to count and we end up saying three together now)

Ouch/Ow/Boom - when he has hurt himself

Up

Down

Feet

That (although I'm not sure if he fully understands the meaning of the word, he repeated it after me today when I asked him if he wants that...)



I also think he said apple today... Well more like AP lol



Just for my own reference I'm going to type down what words he can sign, mostly because I want to see which other useful words I should teach him... you wouldn't believe how these signs helps him communicate with me! It's amazing and makes understanding him much easier and lessens his frustration... Like if we are out for a walk, he sees a cat, simply does the sign and I know that he wants to go there... Or when he tells me that he sees the dog in the book... It's so beautiful. :)



Animals:



Dog

Cat

Duck

Monkey

Chicken

Horse

Sheep

Cow

Giraffe

Lizard

Lion

Tiger

Bunny

Pig

Fish

Bird

Elephant



Others:



More

Enough

Eat

Sleep

Have a bath

Flower

Tree

The Park

Go Out

Ball

Bye bye

Star

Lamp

Hide

Where



I think that's it...

We are still practising on Mouse, Drink, Dirty. Book...



He picks up new signs and words very quickly though, I usually don't have to say it more than once or twice... Some of the signs he doesn't use much though as he makes himself understood by just grunting, pointing or in any other way... He uses MORE all the time though :P



He went to sleep 9.30 PM tonight, an hour earlier than his usual... because he only napped for half an hour today... So he was really overtired and it took me over an hour to calm him down to sleep... The morning was a bit so so as I've been feeling exhausted and not myself for a few days, I shouted once or twice though not directly at him...



The evening we spent painting though and he made his foot prints with finger paint! :)



Oh, and I bought him two balls today of different sizes since he loves them... I also got him a little bucket and a mop, he spent half an hour washing the floor after we came home, I think a mini vacuum cleaner is next on the list as he loves to do the job with the big one :P He already has a broom... I've also tried to let him do the dishes even though he mostly plays with the water... And now and then he gets to help me out with the cooking, he loves that. :)



I just hope that he'll grow up to his fullest potential, knowing that I love him more than anything...



We'll see, we'll see...



I'm off to read now.



BTW - LOST finale was amazing!

COMMENTS

-

---

ShatteredAngel
22:48 May 15 2009

I'm glad to see his vocabulary is still growing at a great rate now. It is great to see that he is showing off that great skill now.

---

POST COMMENT

Here's one thing which sucks about not living in the US -



I have to wait until tomorrow to download the Lost finale!



ARGH I'm dying of anticipation!



And they better not have killed off Jin... or Sawyer... or Sayid... Jack and Hurley I can live without...



Oh, and bring Charlie back!



Ok, I'm off to bed to dream of being swept away by Prince Charming,



night night

Today I showed Ryan how to drive the toycar on mommy's back...



It's nowhere near a professional massage - but it'll do.



:P

I always find a comfort in escaping into the land of dreams, especially in those days when I find it especially challenging to get by the hell my life has become.



So, let's take a moment and imagine that I could change my life, be someone else, be prettier and more successful, have a beautiful lady by my side, regain my freedom and happiness.



Yeah... that's better.

COMMENTS

-

---

FallenPixie
01:18 May 13 2009

♥ ♥ ♥

---

POST COMMENT

Things are bad when I spend time every day pondering baby names...



But now that we're on the subject, these are the names I would consider for my next child... O:)



Boy:



Zachary

William

Alexander

Sebastian

Charlie

James

Amadeus

Christian



Girl:



Liane

Annabelle

Isabella

Lily

Leilah

Katherine

Adéle

Rosalie

Sarah

Evelyn

Alicia

Emma

Angelica

Laura

Chloe



Err... yeah... the list goes on...



I swear, if I was rich, I'd have 10 children.



Despite everything, I love being a mommy.

♥

COMMENTS

-

---

FallenPixie
01:17 May 13 2009

Amadeus and Leilah... those would be my choices and very adorable they are ;)

---

POST COMMENT

I have so much on my mind yet I don't know where to begin now that Ryan is finally asleep.



I spent most of the evening deeply in thought, tired and only managing to pay as much attention to the boy as was necessary.



There's so much to say, explore, figure out... I feel like my mind will explode soon if I don't get some writing done, at the same time I can barely keep my eyes open...



No, there's too much.



I'm just going to go to bed and read, escape from this reality the best I can as I usually do...



Something's wrong when your fantasies become more than that, when you prefer wandering around in dreamland rather than deal with reality.



Why can't life be a fairy tale, why? Why can't it at least give me something to ease this torture?



Whatever, it's too late, although I don't want to go to sleep... I don't want tomorrow to come.



I'm really not feeling well right now,



and as usual, I have no one to turn to.

COMMENTS

-

---

LifesHermit
22:58 May 11 2009

This was the first entry of your journal I read, though I did read through the rest to put this one in more perspective before commenting...



Reality can be tough - there is no denying it. So wanting to escape to a place where there are no (or fewer) challenges, where you are able to find pleasure and happiness, where you feel like you belong, or feel that you SHOULD be, is, in my view, quite normal.



But there is beauty and pleasure and happiness to be found in reality. It's all around us, really. It's just that it gets obscured but other things which seem to be in our foreground at the time. The trick is to look past those things, to see the beauty and soak it up as much as you possibly can. From your descriptions, I imagine your son to be a perfect example of this.



Oh... And you do have someone to turn to. By writing in your journal you've found a whole site of someone's to turn to. The question is will anyone turn to listen.



On this occasion, at least one person has :)

---

ShatteredAngel
02:17 May 12 2009

I do agree with the previous poster that you do have an entire site of people that have the potential to see, talk to, and listen just by writing in your journal...

But that is not the only reason to write, sometimes it helps to just see it out of your head instead of thinking about it. Sometimes it helps to put things you want into perspective with what you have available to you as well.

I do hope that you feel better about everything after some rest.

---

POST COMMENT

Am I completely out of my mind when longing for a daughter, despite my impossible situation?



Probably.

COMMENTS

-

---

FallenPixie
19:29 May 10 2009

Yes, yes you are......*busts out laughing*

Seriously tho, no you aren't in any possible way. Our boys are impossibly difficult to handle sometimes BUT Christy and I often wonder what it may be like to have a girl... We have also discussed actually going through with it; whether it be adoption or the invetro route *big smiles*

---

POST COMMENT

*adding "eyes", "knee" and "three" to his vocabulary*



:D

Ryan suddenly seems to be catching up on his vocabulary, every few days he says a new word...



I can now officially add these words to his little list:



"Wee" (He began saying it with me when we do the "this little piggy...")

"Ouch" (He's basically saying it whenever he hurts himself)

"Up" (Yesterday Yendor was standing on the chair and he just said it, meaning he wanted to get up on the chair too!)



I'm a bit concerned though, when I think about it I could probably talk to him and explain things MUCH more than I do... I'm still too quiet with him at times, even though I really try to put an effort into keeping my tongue going. I'm worried that he doesn't learn as much words as he should...



As if that wasn't enough, I've ended up mixing Polish with English now... I want him to learn both languages and since he is mostly with me, I feel responsible for teaching them to him... Obviously he understands English better because it's what he's been hearing since birth, but he's catching up on Polish now it seems...



I just don't want to confuse him too much, and what if he ends up not knowing any of the languages?? :S



I'm losing my mind here, having the responsibility over another person's life really gets to you...

COMMENTS

-

---

DarkWolfman
22:59 May 08 2009

He will say what he needs to in time...good to hear everything is ok with you two

---

POST COMMENT

Today I realized how strong a mother's love can be,



Whenever Ryan hurts himself I always get this instinct to inflict the same pain on myself, just so I can feel exactly what he's feeling and find the best way to ease his pain.



I barely even think when I do this, I just react.



Yesterday we were blowing bubbles and he wanted to try, I let him take the thingy and he puts it in his mouth and starts grimacing from the taste of the soap... So I immediately put a whole load of soap in my own mouth. At least, after some minutes I could feel the taste disappearing and knew that he wouldn't feel it for much longer either...



Today in the bath he was washing his hair, he washed it so much soap eventually got into his eyes... and of course he then rubbed his eyes with soapy hands and when I start pouring water so clean his eyes he cries and shouts... So, I rubbed soap into my own eyes and I tell you, that STINGS...



Luckily though, it was baby shampoo so that stinging feeling didn't last for long.



If he one day jumps from a tree and breaks his leg, I have a feeling I'll climb the highest tree and do the same without thinking twice.



I never knew such love existed before him.

Today the father of my child uttered the words "I never get to do anything for myself"



Well, Mr, I haven't done anything for myself for the past 18 months (with one exception when my mom took care of Ryan for 3 hours back in November so I could go to see "Twilight")...



Besides, don't you come telling me you never get time, I know you're being put under more pressure now, unable to just stay at your PC most of the days, now that Ryan is beginning to acknowledge your presence - but I am still the one who has to give up EVERYTHING for him.



I don't mean to sound like a martyr - I've accepted my fate in life, but it pisses me off when you come telling me how little time you get. I get nothing! Zero, nada, absofuckinglutely NOTHING!



At least you have something outside of work and Ryan, not to mention you obviously don't feel the same burden of housekeeping and raising the boy... I'm the one who's with him most of the time, I feel so responsible for his upbringing that I spend most of my awake time worrying that I'm doing something wrong.



Not to mention how worthless I feel as a human being.



Jesus Christ!!!

Ryan doesn't seem to be interested in talking much, he babbles up a storm most of the time and communicates with me using sign language...



I could swear I heard him say "bye" yesterday and "nie" which means "no" in Polish... however when I asked him to say it again he just signed. I think the little boy is teasing me...



He prefers to quietly observe rather than take action.



The past two days I've been feeling extremely tired, Ii would be napping with him now if it wasn't for me having a million things to do....



Better get going.

COMMENTS

-

---

ShatteredAngel
16:47 May 03 2009

Considering how smart he seems from what I've read, I really wouldn't worry at all. He is 18 months, and that is a good size vocabulary for 18 months. Plus he is showing that he knows what it means and what you mean when you ask by signing it when you ask him to repeat. Plus he is picking up words in technically 3 languages at once (counting the Polish and Sign Language), that sounds off the charts smart to me.

Boys tend to take to language a little bit slower than girls, this is just a scientific fact. It tends to be because boys are more interested in how things work where as girls are more interested in the people around them.



I can totally relate to the nap thing too. We have a toddler around here, he is the son of the man I am dating, and I swear they are just a ball of energy always on the go. (LOL).

---

POST COMMENT

I forgot to mention that Ryan is 18 months today, can you believe it?



It still feels like just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant...



Anyways, he hasn't got a very impressive vocabulary, probably due to the fact that I'm a bad mother who doesn't speak to him enough... or his brain is just focusing more on other parts of his development... anyhow... Just a short list of what he can say now:



Mummy/Mama

Daddy

Nana/Nanu

Puppy

Beep beep (for car)

No (He just picked that up a few days ago, he shakes his finger AND his head and goes noooooo, it looks hilarious... lol)

Moo (for the cow)

Baby

Tak ("Yes" in Polish, he learned that while we were in Sweden... I do my best trying to speak to him in both languages...)

Poo poo (haha)

Pee pee...

Pee poo (for that little thing between his legs)

Miaow (for the cat)

Nam nam (for food)

Yummy



And... Cheese.

I don't know how on earth he learned that word, if you ask me it's not that easy to pronounce... but yesterday while we were reading his good night story about his mouse eating his cheese... he started pointing towards the kitchen wanting some and suddenly said it... I mean, of all words... Cheese??? lol and he really loves cheese too... Luckily he is not really picky with food, I still need to get him to like carrots, but he seems to like broccoli at least... :P



Tomorrow we're taking him out for a picnic, we just now made the rule that we must do something "special" with him at least once a week... To get a break from the daily routines... So we thought this Saturday we'll take him out for a couple of hours outside and just be with him without any distractions...



If there's something he loves to do it's playing ball, he recently began kicking it instead of just rolling it and he is really GOOD at it too, he runs after and kicks it around like a true Liverpool player... haha :P



We''ll see, we'll see, maybe he'll become a famous football player...



Or a dancer, he's got some groovy moves this little boy... I'll try to catch him in action and put up a video when I can.



Anyways... movie it is, good night everyone.

COMMENTS

-

---

MirageInAComa
22:55 May 01 2009

His vocabulary is SO CUTE!



It reminds me of my kids when they were that little.



:)

---

POST COMMENT

Like I said,



A little time eases the pain and I adapt to this so called life again.



Although nothing soothes the empty feeling inside... and I miss my family terribly.



Ryan has been going after Yendor nearly all the time since we came back - they've even gone to the park for the first time ever! Quite a change considering just a few weeks ago he still wanted to be with me 90% of the time... Now it's more 60/40, although obviously he prefers having us both together.



At least now Yendor finally gets a taste of what I've been dealing with for the past couple of months........



Now he's the one who can't even have a coffee in peace, haha... sweet revenge.



Though on a more disappointing side I don't think I can go to Sweden now without him. I'm afraid Ryan would miss him too much and feel abandoned...



Oh well, just another sacrifice I have to make.



He's such a bright, amazing and happy child though... It makes it bearable, seeing the result of all the time and love I spend on him.



He dozed off just now, at 11PM again...no matter what I do he keeps sleeping irregularly,one day he is more tired and the other more energetic than usual... what can I do other than accept it?



The flat is clean enough so I'm going to finish watching "Changeling"now before sleep... trying to get my mind off "Lost", why do they keep killing off the characters I'm especially fond off!??



Bah...